Lessons Learned: 2025!

I've been doing this for quite some time. 

As is tradition these last 15+ years (honestly, who can count anymore in this economy?) we begin to close out the Deadly Doll's House calendar year (which runs to January 31st for multiple reasons that you now need an appendix to understand) by extracting our favorite, most educational lesson gleaned from all the movies covered these last 365 days. 

Categorized, of course, like any good Jeopardy! board.

Urban Living

When moving into an NYC walkup, do everything in your power to make sure you hear that mover ring the doorbell. It's literally the difference between life and death (in this case) or life and a very strained back -- Woman of the Hour

The People In Your Neighborhood

You can always count on a '90s movie killer to speak in sadistic dad jokes -- Virtuosity

Nobody gives great accounting quite like a weirdo -- Out of the Dark

The only thing worse than a missionary at your door is a person eager to talk with the missionaries at your door -- Heretic

Technology In Government

Top secret military installations don't allow thumb drives, though they do grant personal access to Facebook -- War of the Worlds

Political Science

There's simply no such thing as an honest mayor in any town that has a water source -- Alligator

What's In a Name?

A furniture salesman can solve your table problems, not name your newborn -- The Coffee Table

Never confuse an arms dealer with an impotent terrorist -- Beyond the Poseidon Adventure

Being a caddy and naming your dog Caddy is a life choice rife for confusion -- Blades

Hair Today...

Nothing brings your hair to Pantene PRO-V level glory than being a kept woman -- The Free Fall

The Art of Cinema

Setting your film in a graveyard is a great trick for directors looking to take home a prop that includes their name -- The Gravedancers

The easiest shorthand to imply 'unhinged psychopath' is simply casting David Patrick Kelly -- Dreamscape

The Animal Kingdom

Sharks hate nothing more than bubbles -- No Way Up

What They Don't Teach In Med School

Nothing sterilizes your tools for organ removal more effectively than windy saltwater breezes -- Dead Sea

O-negative blood is very rare, and that's why city blood bank facilities keep their limited selection stored at unregulated room temperature in shoddy ziplock bags -- Vampire In Vegas

UK laxatives are incredibly ineffective -- The Tournament

On the Road

Everyone needs to learn what it means to be free, which is the kind of thing someone with a broken down motorcycle would say -- Campfire Tales

Architecture & Design

Corporate windows are a lot thicker than they look -- Wake Up

To the Skies

Any pilot knows never to nose in -- The Disappearance

It's bad luck to board a flight without saying I love you -- Flight 7500

Parenting

Before you leave your grandchild in the arms of his new adopted mother, maybe make sure she knows how to support his infant head? -- Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror

They don't teach screaming in lamaz -- Smashup On Interstate 5

So much of early motherhood is cutting fruit into small pieces -- The Feast

Not Parenting

Ladies, please remember that you are under no obligation to carry an antichrist to term -- Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return

Childing

A good son keeps an 8 x 10 glamour shot of his mother framed on his work desk -- Too Close to Home

Sports & Leisure

Scuba diving involves far too much time math -- The Dive

Much like Gallagher's humor, the best vessel for communicating tai chi is smashed watermelon -- TC 2000

Potent Potables

There's no such thing as a good domestic pinot noir -- Never Talk to Strangers

Culinary Adventures

Eerie days call for hot soup -- Exhuma

There's no better consolation than chocolate -- The Ugly Stepsister

Always keep a charcuterie board ready, even (or especially) if you live in a remote with few chances of visitors -- Oddity

Risotto has a better track record in horror than Top Chef -- House of Spoils

You Got Served

"Garden variety vigilante" is the new "virgin who can't drive" -- Hunt Club

Forensics for Dummies

Dead bodies are easier to cope with than dead husbands -- Nightwatch

When covering up a murder, never forget the crepes -- Everyone Will Burn

To properly identify a body, one must check the face and feet -- The Red Shoes

Historical Fashion

Women wore a lot of eyeliner in the late nineteenth century -- The Cursed

Women 101

Chicks love baths -- The Lamp

Freud Would Never

Fear comes in many forms, including 3' tall hamburgers -- Making Contact

The best way to jog a psychotic patient's memory is to expose him to closeups of the thing he fears most -- Genocide

Timeless Wisdom

A stopped watch is haunted at least twice a day -- The Damned

When you get old, you prepare for the apocalypse -- Deliver Us

Survival Essentials

Chekhov's law of skinny dipping remains unbroken: your clothes will be stolen. Accept it -- The Hole In the Fence

To survive hypothermia, you have to be very, very lame -- Snow Falls

If your week has been filled with hallucinations that are quickly proved to be just that, maybe wait two minutes before making a rash decision based off a visual display that seems incredibly shocking and unbelievable -- The Dark and the Wicked

Never turn your back on a human sacrifice -- Azrael

Fame!

So long as the Wisconsin Convention Center offers you more than $10K for a comic convention, you're still a star -- House of Bones

NEXT WEEK: The best of the year roundup! WEEK AFTER: The Shortening!

Lessons Learned: The 2024 Edition

As has always been true of being a chubby person with short legs, I tend to run slow. It's as true in a 5K as it is in blogging, where my 16 year and still going tradition has been to do the annual wrap-up in the middle of January, closing the month with my best-of list. More importantly is the SECOND to last week, where I do the more vital work of gathering up one lesson gleaned from each of the films I've covered over the past 365 days. 

It's by far the most educational part of my life. Here you go!

Home Economics 

If you can see it, you can sew it!  – Zombie Night

Household Tips

Always stock your home bar with top shelf alcohol, both for optimum cocktail service and most effective molotov cocktail service – The Cat

Lessons In Cultural Sensitivity (Domestic Edition)

In Georgia, it's considered rude to close a door behind you when behind chased by a homicidal maniac…Hence, the leading cause of death in Georgia is being hacked to death by homicidal maniacs -- Ride Scare 

Lessons In Cultural Sensitivity (International Edition)

There are plenty of white gang members in Sweden (though they rarely make the cut in feel-good corporate video ads) – The Conference

Holland is a cheese country -- Speak No Evil

The French are lovable for their ability to cook and be cool – Storm Warning

Thinking a cursed idol is a Mexican salt shaker is a common reaction among the ignorant – The Power

The Rules of Youth

Put enough teenagers together and you're bound to have a food fight – Wolf’s Hole

Powder puff is girl's football for girls that don't want to have it called football – There’s Something Wrong With the Children

Fashion Fever

If you don't want people to mock you for wearing a cape, just don't wear a cape around the kind of people you know will mock you for wearing a cape – The Alpines

Once your identity is revealed, you could save a lot of aggravation by NOT wearing your slasher mask that impedes peripheral vision -- Final Summer

A thick side bang will not protect you from blood modem ghosts – Don’t Click

The Art of the Pickup

Telling a hot chick you just met that she shares a name with your mother is not the hot pickup line you hear in your head – The Ledge

Travel Tips

When checking into any questionable hotel, remember to first check the soap – 6:45

You won't find Jujubees in a small town – Dark Harvest

Biology Field Work

Frothy blood comes from the lungs – The Stairs

Pathology season really picks up during the holidays – Pathology

Even Oxford-educated morgue attendants eat messy sandwiches over corpses – Split Second

Tech Tips

See, all you people who look at my computer screen and wince, SEE: having dozens of tabs open rather than clicking and backtracking is MUCH MORE USEFUL AN EXPERIENCE FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED THANK YOU VERY MUCH – Searching

Career Advice

Being professional means no ogling or drooling – Snowmageddon

Comfortable footwear is the real key to leveling up your career – The Mill

When attending a cocktail party in your third trimester, always accessorize with a purse large enough to hold your bladder – Elevator

Never trust a woman in a blazer – Killer Coworker

Fun Facts About the Holidays

You don't observe Halloween in the manufacturing industry – Totally Killer

The true meaning of Christmas is sacrifice (as in, human) – The Christmas Spirit

Relationships Of All Sorts

It's not a booty call if you live together – Humane

A real friend remembers your life-threatening allergies – It’s What’s Inside

A stranger is just a google search assistant you haven't met -- Run

Getting To Know Satan

The best way to decipher whether a creature is a devil or a fish is to see if it bleeds -- Maneater

The devil may do a lot of bad things, but he also supports waterproof eyeliner – Satan’s Triangle

History Lessons

One should always use some caution with free libraries, but particularly in the 1980s when they weren’t actually a thing – Mr. Crocket

Mansplaining was just as bad in the '90s, particularly if you enjoyed CD shopping at the mall -- Murder At My Door

Traditional 18th century wedding gifts included the timeless apron, but if you REALLY cared about the bride to be, you brought her the severed finger of an executed murderer – The Devil’s Bath

I Can Math

Nothing multiplied by ten still adds up to nothing – The Last Sentinel

Believe In Yourself

You only need three toes to master social media -- Slotherhouse

Senior Living

The best way to distract an old lady is to ask about her grandkids – Jack’s Back

No one can live long enough to deserve the horrors of a children's choir – The Manor

Basic Psychology

Most people don't crave a big breakfast after watching their friend and a batch of strangers murdered the night before – Don’t Look Away

It takes a lot of energy to hate a seven year old – The Passenger

Acting Is Hard

Chekhov is child's play compared to dying in a low budget slasher – Mute Witness

Law Enforcement Facts

Police interrogation videos include are recorded via multiple angles  – Summoned

Basic Survival

You have to do what a girl holding a gun tells you to do – The Blackout Experiment

Zombies are tempted, but not taken by the game of fetch...unless it involves tampons -- It Stains the Sand Red

Lesser Known Hobbies

According to dorks, LARPing is fun – Fantasy Island

The trauma Olympics are way more competitive than glee club – Dark Nature

Words Matter

There's a difference between being lost on a creepy abandoned penal colony and being stranded on a creepy abandoned penal colony – The Breed

Corporate Culture

Nothing gets executive attention like the threat of a virgin sacrifice -- Arcade

And the Most Important Fact of 2024

The Requin