Saw Factor

Loyal readers might remember last month’s ill-fated tour into reality TV horror. Safety In Numbers proved to be a slow-moving, poorly made, and incredibly forgettable (so much so that I just stared at my ceiling for two minutes before the title came back to me) attempt to exploit the popularity of Survivor and murder. At the end of its painful barely 80 minute run, I was the one exploited.

Are You Scared* is a slicker take on the game show gorefest, mostly because it combines its simple young-people-hungry-for-15-minute-fame trope with the even simpler let’s-rip-off-everything-Saw-did-with-a-more-attractive-cast trick. Costas Mandylor, start oiling your killing apparatus.

Quick Plot: A pretty young barefoot blond wanders around a dank, broken glass-filled warehouse as her industrial choker flashes like an angry Christmas tree. A gravelly Tobin Bell mysterious stranger instructs her to dip her face in a vat of acid in order to survive “the game.” She does.

Credits! The mere fact that they exist gives us some assurance that we’re not actually watching Saw 8. I’m not saying that’s a good thing--as you know, I rather enjoy watching mentally challenged law enforcement get bamboozled by a smirking Costas Mandylor--but the confusion is natural so good on Are You Scared for trying at least once to differenciate itself from its source material.

Post credits, we get introduced to a hot-headed detective less charming than Donnie Walberg and the criminal psychologist who wasn’t in Starship Troopers so why should I really care? But they kinda do, mostly about this murderer who’s been luring TV-ready faces to terrible deaths that are then broadcast online. I KNOW. It’s positively revolutionary.

Oh wait. No it's not.

Hold onto your seats folks, because things are about to get WILDLY innovative. Our REAL main cast appears, and it’s composed of six attractive twentysomethings that pretty much follow Every Movie You’ve Ever Seen. Observe:

-The Black Guy, whose last memory is smoking a blunt

-The Stoner Dude, who likes to insist the women enter dark rooms first

-The Mousy Girl, who squeaks

-The Blond Brother/Sister Superteam, he of pompousness, she of unhealthy codependence

-The Other Brunette, who has a gender neutral name and sensible wardrobe and who therefore must be our final girl.

What do they have in common aside from good looks and a shared Chinese horoscope? The fact that all once submitted an audition video for Are You Scared, a reality show that pits pretty people against their biggest fears. Oh, and apparently generally ends in the brutal murder of its contestants.

I’ll admit that I got a tad confused by this plot point. While the master villain’s backstory is eventually revealed (hilariously), the television aspect remained murky. Is there a real Are You Scared that doesn’t end in mass homicide? If not, why the hell would you send in an audition tape? I get that fame is a tempting siren, but the end result of every segment of this ‘show’ is that you get your face melted off, body exploded, head drilled in, or shot up by shotguns. At least The Running Man had a prize. 

Then again, I watch America's Next Top Model, where women get into rioting fistfights in order to wear slabs of meat or do fashion shows in Glinda bubbles, so what do I know?

Anyway, as you expect because you’ve seen Saw II, the cast is knocked off one by one until only the obvious remains. The third act involves a Popcorn-ish reveal that...well, whatever. By that point, I was just hoping to see a last minute cameo by Costas Mandylor or at the very least, whatever the poor man’s Costas Mandylor next-best-thing is.

And now I’m left wondering...

High Points

For the first few kills, I was thankful that one of the few things Are You Scared DIDN’T swipe from Saw was the shrill and fast-paced editing that gets progressively more video game headache-making with every kill...

Low Points

...and then someone remembered that THAT’S how the Saw movies stage death scenes, so the screaming! cut! screaming! camera spin (when able)! scream! ticking clock! SCREAM! Cut! Cut! Scream! Cut! Scream! Music go louder! Cut! Scream! rhythm finally kicked in CUT SCREAM!

Lessons Learned

Breaking an entering is called “breaking an entering” (in case you didn’t know)

The typical uniform for a S.W.A.T. team member involves a comfortably loose-fitting t-shirt

A criminal profiler is also known as a ‘head shrinker,’ particular to prickly detectives who DIDN’T ASK FOR THEIR HELP

Drinking Game

You know I always like to aide and abet your alcoholism whenever possible in a creative way. Hence, watching all 80 minutes of Are You Scared can take you to that special blackout place quite easily. Simply take a sip/shot/injection whenever the film blatantly pulls a trick honed by the Saw series. You don’t really need my help on this, but here are a few examples:

-the appearance of a vat of acid

-a character wearing an industrial Rube Goldbergian choker

-the appearance of a surly detective

-the appearance of a S.W.A.T. team entering a cagey warehouse

-a character wearing an industrial Rube Goldbergian choker

-a character being shown an x-ray of his stomach which includes the key to bomb that will kill him in one minute

-two characters forced to choose their own lives or the person they care about

-a character wearing an industrial Rube Goldbergian choker

-a deep-voiced villain asking if his soon-to-be victims want to play a game

-a character wearing an industrial Rube Goldbergian choker

Call To Arms
In Japan, the film’s title translates to Jigsaw: Game of Death. As I tried to urge the producers of Survivor with my review of the far worse Safety In Numbers, Lions Gate: call your lawyer**

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’m being hard on Are You Scared because it’s a terrible movie, but in fairness, it’s far better than a lot of other Instant Watch horror picks. It’s practically The Shining in comparison to Safety In Numbers, and it didn’t make me want to hurt flowers in quite the same way as Nine Dead. Still, it’s a blatant ripoff with little to now charm, so your decision to watch it should lay purely in your taste for watching bland people die horrible deaths or just how much you need a Saw-esque drinking game to enjoy your evening. Personally, I’d rather follow Costas Mandylor’s battles with Hyenas, but the world is filled with choices and that my friends, is a beautiful thing.

*Nope, the lack of a question mark is not the fault of my lazy typing fingers. The movie doesn’t have one. Make of that what you will.

**Ever have a sudden vision of how a company REALLY runs? Just typing the words Lions Gate lawyer made me imagine a dark Jigsaw lair-ish dungeon where a bunch of expensive suit-wearing yuppies are kept in rusted metal restraints until they are activated to make/save the production company a few million or be forced to...play a game.

I'm On a (Haunted) Boat

Every now and then, a movie so loosely called ‘a movie’ arrives in front of my eyes. Sometimes this kills me with boredom or discomfort (season’s greetings, Deadly Little Christmas) but others, something truly wonderful happens. Something Unborn Sins-like you might even say.

Movies--rather, ‘movies’--can do many things. They can make you laugh, cry, scream, learn, or, in the case of today’s Instant Watch New Classic, sit back with your mouth hanging agape and say...YES.

Quick Plot: A group of horrible teenagers spend the weekend on the Horrible Pothead Teenager’s new boat. 

So not only are these teenagers horrible, they’re also rich, making them even more horrible.

After a cleaning-the-boat AND drinking-on-the-boat montage, the Horrible People pause to discuss, as you do, what they’re afraid of. Clearly they haven’t seen House of Fears or they’d know that such a conversation will immediately lead to their death via their phobia, which of course includes the following:

-bugs

-being left alone

-drowning (gee, THAT’S easy)

-something someone mumbled that I couldn’t actually understand

So let's just say it was Mumbles

-crazy demented people

-other dimensions

Just as we decide we’re going to unleash a crazy demented bundle of interdimensional bugs on these Awful Awful Characters, screenwriter (and director, and costume designer, and director of photography, and art director, and set designer, and writer of a few original songs, and body double for the blond) Olga Levens shows us mercy and pulls the classic prankster-who-cried-wolf-actually-dying trick.

See, Horrible Pothead has some health issues and isn’t supposed to swim, but Horrible Blond Skank goads him into it. Aaaaaaaaand he doesn’t surface. So Horrible Blond Skank frantically dials 911--in the middle of the ocean--to no avail because there’s OBVIOUSLY not going to be any service, while Horrible Mousy Brunette dives in. But Horrible Blond Skank spots a giant CGI shark--of whom we will never see again--so Horrible Mousy Brunette comes out of the water, pleads with Horrible Asian Stud to help, so he then proceeds to scream and threaten violence at Horrible Blond Skank.

OH! And two scenes earlier, Horrible Asian Stud--who previously dated Horrible Blond Skank--hits on Horrible Mousy Brunette. One scene after that, Horrible Mousy Brown FLASHES BACK TO the Horrible Courting Scene that was one scene earlier and looks longingly with a wistful look. Because Horrible Asian Studs who slap your own Horrible Best Friend are clearly ones you don’t let get away.

So now everyone is miserable which makes them act like even more horrible people. To calm themselves, they tell ghost stories because, you know, duh. What else do you do when you’re lost at sea and mourning the dude who brought you there? 

This sequence is amazing, because it lets the previously quiet Horrible Australian Girl tell a tale that involves a gnome.

Yup, Haunted Boat has sharks AND gnomes. Rather, A shark and A gnome. Beat that, The Reef!

But don’t get too excited because like the Horrible CGI Shark, the Forest Gnome (who I can’t call horrible, because come on, forest gnome!) is gone for good. Sigh.

Next comes a seizure, because that’s cool. Horrible Australian Girl foams at the mouth, prompting Horrible Blond Skank to shout, with skill Meryl Streep could never know, “I’m NOT staying on a boat with an epileptic!”

Look honey, this is 2011. They have rights too.

The two remaining dudes--Horrible Asian Stud and Not Actually That Horrible Nerdy Guy--take the boat’s raft out to find some help. While gone, an albino not-doctor (who’s also actually not that horrible) comes on board to find bugs crawling out of Horrible Australian Girl’s ears. But then Horrible Blond Skank aims a flare gun at his face and he “has to go!”

Least offensive shot of an albino available

Yeah, because that makes perfect sense.

Then other stuff happens maybe kinda I dunno sure sorta. The ending--SPOILER!, except I actually have no idea what happened so not quite--is...um....well...a twist? I *think* that we find out that Horrible Mousy Girl actually imagined the whole thing? Or that her friends just didn’t exist and she went on a boat by herself? Or that they did exist and she went on the boat with them after having this zany adventure on her own? Or that God is a cloud and rainbows show when he cries and unicorns have feelings too but snowmen will hurt you if you let them know your weaknesses? And a baloo is a bear and wuzzle means to mix and all work and no play makes Homer something something?

I haven’t been this confused since Safety In Numbers. Luckily, I’m confused in a far better way. See, if you recall, I HATED that other ending-on-a-boat low budget slasher because it was joyless. Haunted Boat is an awful, awful film, but it’s so adorable in its ambitious incompetence that I absolutely adored it. 

Even if everyone inside of it was Terrible, Horrible, No Good and Very Bad.

High Points

I’m not being completely sarcastic when I say Haunted Boat has its potentially creepy moments. None of them *actually* work because, you know, nothing in the film actually works, but a few of the ghostings did catch me by surprise and were occasionally executed with some genuine skills. Some.

Low Points

I understand that obtaining the rights to music can be an expensive part of an indie film’s budget, and hence often demands a few public domain tunes. But there are still a few considerations one should take when choosing tracks, like not following what I imagine is a local band’s hard rock shoutiness with the classical violins from the De Beers commercials...and then reusing the De Beers music at the climax of the film

Lessons Learned

You know how gross it is when your body decomposes

Girls can never be trusted

If you’re from the Valley, you are also not smart

The Winning Line

“Here’s some Volume. It will calm her down”

I rewound this moment twice, just to make sure. While it doesn’t quite match Tara Reid’s pronunciation of New-Found-Land, I do consider it amazing. And further proof that if you're from the Valley, you're not that smart

Why Oh Why Question of the Day

As I mentioned in my review of Goblin, I simply don’t understand why a filmmaker insists on making every one of its teenage characters a disgusting person. It’s not entertaining in the least for an audience to despise every person on screen, even if you think it makes their death scenes more rewarding. I’m far more affected when I actually care about a character and THEN have to see him or her undergo horrors than when I just want them out of my line of vision

I toast not you

Rent/Bury/Buy

Haunted Boat is a horrendous little film, but connoisseurs of the ridiculous will find it weirdly enjoyable and well worth a 90 minute Instant Watch. Or maybe I’m just pushing it to see if anyone else can explain the ending, because despite four years of good grades in college, I just don’t think I’m smart enough. And I'm not even from the Valley.

I Vote This Movie Off the Island

are currently two films perched atop my Netflix Instant Watch queue with near identical premises involving a reality TV competition gone awry. I watched this one, and that is that.

Quick Plot: One year after the filming of "Castaway Island," the cast reunites for a weekend special. Among the mostly white people in their early 30s is Nigel, the newly crowned millionaire winner, Jen, the level-headed blond (played by Cut's Jessica Napier or as some might call her, the poor man's Naomi Watts), Lisa and Matt, a couple who fell in love despite Matt's off-shore marriage, a tall dude, and a bitchy brunette. I'd offer more character details but the plot doesn't, so we'll move on.

The mildly attractive people drive the show's yacht to an empty island where they expect to reignite old declarations of not coming there to make friends. Instead, they're greeted by an empty hut with a threatening blood-written note, plus a bunch of dead rats--6 dead rats, to be precise and foreshadowish. It doesn't take long--actually, it reallllllllly does--for the cast to remind each other and tell the audience about the seventh contestant on Castaway Island, a loose screw named Warren who was voted off after swinging a machete a little too close for primetime comfort.

All of this sounds promising and fine, right? Dead Set did great things with Big Brother, and the The Running Man made us all long for a future rich in jumpsuits and overabundant puns. Brian Keene's novel Castaways mixed monsters with human sociopaths to good enough success, and the tragically underrated ahead-of-its-time Series 7: The Contenders summed up reality TV with brilliant black comedy. It's a subgenre of horror that's still quite fertile for the picking.

Except Safety In Numbers is a fairly dreadful film, mostly because despite being a slasher set on a tropical island, it's incredibly dull.The people are dull. The dialogue is dull. The kills, when onscreen, are dull. The nine endings are dull. And there are nine of them. Or maybe fifteen or three, I really have no idea. They're all equally dull.

See just when you THINK the 85 minute Safety In Numbers is over, the screen fades...into the next scene. Until it fades...into another scene...and another...then it's really ov--oh no, another...and then credits. Which can be confusing, since it ends on an incredibly bizarre note that has no explanation whatsoever. Here's my theory:

The movie was made and came back from the editing booth at just over one hour long. That's a problem, since most films at that length won't get any form of release. So the screenwriter decided to add a mild twist, filmed it, then realized he had a 67 minute movie. Still too short. So he shrugged and added another twist. 70 minutes. Hmm. So he added a "the killer isn't really dead!" chase but realized with limited means and talent, there wasn't that much to show. So at 75 minutes, he decided to bring in a coda. He started to get excited at such an idea, for suddenly, it seemed like there were more possibilities to explore something he'd totally forgotten about for the entire filming process. Perhaps it was a subplot that seemed so perfect once presented. Yes, Safety In Numbers, you FOUND it.

Except then director David Douglas remembered that there needs to be credits, which run a good two minutes, and he now had an honest 85 minute film. So he shrugged again (I imagine Mr. Douglas does a lot of shrugging) and figured, much like James Caan did with children's literature in Elf before he was redeemed by the love of his Elf son Buddy, that nobody would *really* care whether they knew how his movie ended.

And you know what? He might have been right.

High Points

There's a great moment of tension that involves a snake, but that may have just excited me because it reminded me how much better a world it is we live in due to the mere existence of Snake Island

Low Points

Aside from being a slow and ill-paced film, Safety In Numbers commits one of those cinematic crimes that inflames the female inside me. I understand it was directed by a man and costumed by one Robert "Doll" Smith (really), but really: no woman would ever JUST sleep in her bra and pajama pants. Sure, a token shot of a cute actress in her whities is in demand, but a) the bra was the least sexy bit of lingerie I've ever seen, unless Playtex's 18-Hour Bras turn you on and b) SHE WOULDN'T SLEEP IN THAT!

The Winning Line

"Where the HELL is my YACHT!?"

Mostly because it's delivered with such pompous Britishicity that I had to laugh

Fun Fact/Lawsuit Alert

Apparently, Survivor did not copyright the term "voted off the island," which surprises me. Unless they did and Safety In Numbers will be sued by Jeff Probst

Rent/Bury/Buy

I pretty much hated this movie, and as anyone who's read my reviews of Blood Gnome knows, that's a harsh statement to make. On one hand. Safety In Numbers is certainly more competent than something like Unborn Sins, but there's just no spark of life lurking anywhere in its draggy 85 minutes. It's as if someone started with a potent idea for a slasher--reality stars stranded on an island--and forgot that an idea alone isn't what writes a screenplay. Unless you're simply a gigantic fan of Survivor and crave any form of ripoff, I just can't recommend Safety In Numbers, even as an instant stream. It's not that it's bad--I've recommended worse--it's more that this movie just doesn't care. So why should we?