Just Like Chat Rooms, But With More Demon Voices

I’m probably one of the few people who hear “director of Pinochio’s Revenge” and immediately think “must bump movie up to top spot of queue.” But see, Pinnochio’s Revenge is so much better than any film called Pinochio’s Revenge has any right to be. Factor in that Carol J. Clover devotes a full chapter to Witchboard in Men, Women & Chainsaws and you have an eager little me happily diving in.

Quick Plot: Jim and Linda are an attractive young couple living together with Patrick Swayze Ghost syndrome, i.e., he can’t say those three words rather important in a romantic relationship. That’s the least of their problems. 

At a party held in their apartment, Linda’s ex-boyfriend/Jim’s ex-best friend Brandon (Patch from the supercouple era of Days of Our Lives, no less) breaks out his Ouija board to contact David, a 10-year-old spirit who takes an immediate dislike to Jim and crush on Linda. Like most ghostly beings, David is less Casper and more poltergeist, although he does a fancy bait ‘n switch by starting off quite friendly. 

Apparently, that’s how some evil ghosts lure the ladies into full-scale possession. Even a super punky nerd psychic can’t seem to fully exorcise Linda’s little demon, although the side benefit is that hunting the evil helps to reunite former pals Brandon and Jim.

It’s that relationship that Clover focused mostly on in her 1989 study, and it truly does make Witchboard a better-than-average watch. The film doesn’t exactly terrify or lock you in awe, but there’s such solid characterization going on that elevates the material to something worth caring about. Linda comes off like a good, decent person, and the fact that Jim and Brandon have such a personal history lends plenty of substance to how they proceed. It’s a simple story of demon-possesses-girl, but in writer/directory Tenney’s hands, we actually care.

High Points

Though the finale doesn’t quite hold up, Witchboard still has a few surprisingly effective and simple jump scares

See how much better a standard horror movie is when the writer actually takes a few minutes to flesh out the characters?

Also, when it gives them awesome '80s hair

Low Points

Demon voice. Never. Do. Demon voice.

Lessons Learned

Just like Korean cell phones, some Ouija boards also make adequate breathalyzers

Internet-speak abbreviations were actually popularized by punkette mediums that dress like k.d. lang

IMDB Goodtimes

The Internet Movie Database is often filled with a little fun. Witness, upon searching for Witchboard, the fourth suggested match was none other than Mrs. Ashboro’s Cat, better known to Animals Doing Human Stuff Month fans as Ghost Cat

Rent/Bury/Buy

Witchboard isn’t the funnest or scariest horror film to come out of the ‘80s, but it’s refreshingly well-written in a way that makes the time flow by quite easily. The film went on to spawn two sequels (the first one also directed by Tenney), although I have no idea how they measure up. This isn’t an immediate drop-everything-and-rent, but it’s a genuinely good little genre movie that makes character count.

More Animals! More Doing Stuff!

We’re just a wonder and cop dog away from closing out Animals Doing Human Stuff Month here at the Dog—er, Doll’s House, but let’s make a puppy (& monkey) play date out of today for a quick three-stop field trip!

First, grab a handful of quarters to enter the Dollar Theater Massacre, where blogger Eric has found what might be the pick of the litter when it comes to Dogs Doing Human Stuff cinema: My Ghost Dog. 

Apparently, this movie has Nazis, violence to teen groins, a child who causes everyone he cares about to die, dated Michael Jordan references, and bullies paid back in a vat of acid. Now while Eric may not have been impressed (like Ghost Cat, it would seem My Ghost Dog needed more ghost dog), his review is hilarious and incredibly enticing. Thankfully, Eric spares me the drive to throw My Ghost Dog on the already packed queue because he kindly compiled a truly fantastic little clip reel that captures the film’s greatest--and they are GREAT--moments.

Quite possibly, the best 6 minutes of your life.

For those who need a little more of the monkey kingdom in their lives (i.e., everyone), Wayne Kotke, our favorite living impaired blogger, covered the 1978 documentary Koko: A Talking Gorilla. According to Wayne, this movie includes both gorillas wearing makeup AND nerdy scientists with Prince Valiant haircuts. 

I dare you to try and stop me from watching this.

While you’re there, be sure to skim through Wayne’s archives. You’ll never think of Ziggy quite the same way.

What’s that? You want MORE monkeys? Of course you do! That’s why the esteemed Thomas Duke of Cinema Gonzo is on hand with Spymate, a little straight-to-DVD film featuring pre-Screfourem’s Emma Roberts and more importantly, a superspy chimp. A superspy chimp that, if Sir Duke is to be believed, can wield a jet pack, skateboard, snowboard, AND has control of martial arts. Oh, and did we mention Pat THE KARATE DOG Morita has a small role?

And that it has a chimp using a jet pack. Seriously, what more could you possibly want?

Nothing that I can think of. I could die now and come back as a ghost dog tomorrow and feel satisfied with all the Animals Doing Human Stuff movies the world has been given by unexceptional directors, C-list actors, and in general, the nation of Canada. I strongly encourage you all to check out the three aforementioned gentlemen’s posts for some great laughs and even, aws. Because c’mon! Look at that:

And that:

And really, just...c’mon! 

Purr-anormal Activity: Ghost Cat

I love to imagine the day the distribution company for a minor, forgettable film discovers one of its stars went on to be a well-known potential DVD draw. You can almost feel the excitement in the office as someone drops their coffee mug to scream “Leapin’ lizards! Ellen Page starred in our very own Ghost Cat!”

Now perhaps I’m wrong about said office employee’s Annie fandom, but I do not doubt SOMEONE in the marketing department for the very first feline entry into the Animals Doing Human Stuff canon feature received a substantial bonus for the idea to capitalize on Juno’s DVD fame. Though the young Oscar nominee has yet to headline a monster hit, such a detail didn’t stop someone from reissuing 2004’s Mrs. Ashboro’s Cat as Ghost Cat, complete with the young Miss Page’s teenage face blocking out the titular spectral feline on the menu and cover art.  

Quick Plot: Page plays Natalie, a teenager moving from the big bad NYC to small folksy town of Ringwood following the death of her mother (note how in the first five minutes of the film, Ghost Cat knocks off a third of the Standard Tropes Checklist). Natalie and her clueless historical writer dad are charmed by an old house with a for-sale sign and a 15-year-old cat named Margaret. The only problem is that its owner, Mrs. Ashboro (Shirley Knight) isn’t selling, much to the chagrin of her smarmy embezzling yuppie banker nephew Boyd.

Thankfully for Natalie and her dad, Mrs. Ashboro passes away that very night, leaving her lovely two story home open for purchase. Even better, the dead Mrs. Ashboro’s neighbors include two young single teenage boys that take a liking to our cat-loving bookworm. Life in this new town is GREAT!

Well, except for the dead old Ashboro.

And Margaret, who followed her owner to the great beyond on the night of Mrs. Ashboro’s funeral.

Or DID she?

After Natalie moves in, the slightest of ghostly signs seem to appear, mostly in relation to Mrs. Ashboro’s young pal Brenda, a single blond who runs a controversial animal sanctuary on a prime piece of real estate being eyed by yet ANOTHER smarmy embezzling yuppie financial employee, this one so evil he SPEAKS ON A BLUE TOOTH DEVICE.

Shudder.

Smarmy embezzling yuppie financial dude with blue tooth device teams up with smarmy embezzling yuppie nephew banker to destroy Brenda’s animal reserve—be it via exhaust fumes or FIRE—so that Single Blond Who Runs a Controversial Animal sanctuary  can buy her land and Smarmy Embezzling Yuppie Banker Nephew can be paid so he can reimburse the bank he’s been stealing from or—

Yeah, I know…this film needs more ghost cat.

See, much like the talking-koala-bear-film-that-didn’t-really-care-about-its-talking-koala, Ghost Cat doesn’t quite understand that its prime asset is not the sordid tale of two white collar scumbags causing economic scandals. Hence, we get a whole lot of Ghost-like (as in Patrick Swayze ditto Ghost, not Ghost Cat) number crunching to conflict with Natalie’s tepid courtship of her neighbor. Whatever running time is left—and of course, it’s not enough—is thrown towards Margaret…

The ghost cat.

Now don’t get me wrong: Margaret the Ghost Cat is all sorts of awesome. She purrs with the fervor of a NASCAR race and befriends the neighborhood dogs as if she were running for mayor. Years ago, she even saved her owner’s life by waking her up when the aging woman left the stove on. I don’t care if you’re allergic: you have to agree this is SOME CAT.

But sadly, the movie doesn’t seem to think any of this is THAT special. Not when there’s land development shenanigans, embezzlement, puppy love (but sadly, not the cute kind with big paws), mortgage payments, property foreclosure, and a juvenile delinquent record to deal with. 

These things are not as fun as ghost cats.

Because c'mon! GHOST CATS!

High Notes

Though her lines are duller than an economics lesson, the young Ellen Page proves herself to be a natural, likable little actress who makes a bland but nice teenage character work

Low Notes

When your film is called “Ghost Cat” but the first major scene of dialogue involves women discussing financial problems, you have an issue

Lessons Learned

‘Partially renovated’ can mean anything

When a creepy, sweating 35-year-old man is caught prowling around your new home and teenage daughter, you can probably just laugh it off and chalk it up to the innocent fact that he misses his dead aunt

Young men generally don’t tell prospective girlfriends that they’re juvenile delinquents on a first date

Even if your bank account is near empty, if every night someone seems to be sneaking onto your property to set your caged dogs loose or, I don’t know, KILL ALL YOUR BELOVED PETS WITH EXHAUST FUMES, *maybe* it’s time to splurge on SOME form of security

Montage Mania!

It’s a ‘feeding adorable goats, puppies, lambs, and kittens’ montage! The best one yet!

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Checklist:

New Kid In Town: Check

Recent Dead Or Divorced Parent: Check

Montage: Check-with PUPPIES!

New Friendship: Check

Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult: Eh, it seems innocent but the perv in me likes to believe Brenda taught her 17 year old assistant something, so let’s say Check

Evil Corporate Enemy: Check (one banker plus one land developer has to add up to that)

Original Song: X

Bully Comeuppance: X

Small Town Values: Check

Back to Nature Moral: X

Overall Score: 7/10
Make no bones about it: this is indeed an authentic Animals Doing Human Stuff rep.

A-Paws Meter

Margaret the Genius Ghost Cat clearly deserved better, particularly in the ways of knowing who her audience was. I gather the makers of Ghost Cat were aiming for the family-visiting-grandma crowd, giving the kids a teen romance, the elderly a Harry & Tonto-ish relationship, and parents the constant danger of mortgage payments and, well, embezzlement. But Ghost Cat isn’t E.T., Toy Story, or that small ever so complex selection of films that transcend generations. No, this is a film that needed more ghost cat.

And if you’re wondering: yes, this review was cowritten by Mookie and Joplin. They are as opinionated as they are illiterate and adorable.

Welcome To Animals Doing Human Stuff Month!

What’s that? Did I hear a slide whistle?

Or a monkey farting?

Or a sasquatch dribbling?

Or a cat ghosting?

Could it be?....

It could! 

When we were children, September was a dark time. Sure, we could look forward to new episodes of Perfect Strangers and Herman’s Head, but only if we finished our homework before the dinner bell. Because remember, dear adult friends, when summer used to MEAN something? Freedom, swimming pools, air conditioned movie theaters, and ice cream trucks? 

As working adults, ‘freedom’ gets restricted to weekends now needed for rest, swimming pools make us wonder who peed in them, air conditioned movie theaters include droves of texters, and ice cream trucks offer nothing but empty calories and the reminder that in OUR day, Mr. Softee wasn’t $97.25. 

But he was never not creepy

We are old.

But you know what? There’s beauty in the month of September, and I’m not just saying that because it means an end to the fear of stepping on a subway car swarming with an army of summer campers in matching t-shirts and competitive screams. That’s right, as these whipper snappers bemoan the return to school hallways and math class, we grownups can appreciate the good that comes with it. Nicer weather, Labor Day, the nearness of October…um…nicer weather…

Okay fine! It’s not THAT great a month. And that’s why it’s going to the dogs.

The Karate Dogs.

And Cop Dogs.

And Chilly Dogs.

And Ghost Cats.

Talking koala bears.

Baseball playing chimpanzees.

Baseball playing golden retrievers.

And so on.

In case you haven’t figured it out, September 2012 is the 1st Maybe Annual Animals Doing Human Stuff Month here at the Doll’s House. Why? Mostly because I have this 4-dog movie pack from the self-proclaimed Cinemasochist himself, Justin Oberholtzer—whose awesome book Movienalia you can now get in hard copy or virtual form over yonder---and it would be a DOGGONE shame not to juice it for all its drool. 

We’ll be visited by a wide range of celebrities, including Jon Voight, Ellen Page, Joan Collins, Jeremy Piven AND Jeremy Sisto, Disney’s The Kid, Matt LeBlanc, Simon Rex, Billy Zane, Air Bud, Michelle Rodriquez, Richard Karn, and two-term U.S. president, Ronald Reagan!

Expect a lot of fart jokes, single parent households, lonely children, and montages. See, most Animals Doing Human Stuff films follow a pretty strict formula, all of which I’ll be looking for in the Standard Trope Checklist. We can’t have a talking koala bear movie without bully comeuppance now, can we?

As with February’s Attack of the Shorties, I openly invite all bloggers to join in on these 30 days of anthropomorphic attractions. If you plan on reviewing anything animal-centric in September, shoot me an email at deadlydollshouse at gmail.com with a message and link so I can share it for all the world—or at least those who read this site—to see.

While I realize this subgenre doesn’t quite meet the standard definition of ‘horrors,’ please be assured that the films I’ve already watched all share some sort of terror, be it terrible performances by child actors, dead unblinking eyes of something that was designed to be cute, or A-list actors trapped in a hell of their own career choice making.

So break out the hand sanitizer and lint roller! It’s going to be a furry ride.

Um, not like that...