The More Things Change...

 

One of our last few beautiful natural resources remaining on this rapidly declining planet is Turner Classic Movies, aka TCM, the cable channel that airs such a glorious grab bag of film. Whenever a genre title I haven't seen comes up on the guide, you can bet my DVR I'm going to record it. 

Quick Plot: Four very white men embark on a mission to circle Mars. The trip is uneventful until their attempted return, when they hit whatever you call the space version of turbulence and land on an earth-like planet that doesn't feel too friendly.

First comes the dog-sized paper mache spiders (ADORABLE). Then the one-eyed neanderthal-ish gang. Finally, the real horror: a cemetery with gravestones proving this is earth, but an earth a few hundred years in the future following a nuclear holocaust. 

The men are saved by the more "civilized" survivors, a prissy collection of helmet-wearing nerds and Judy Jetson-styled sexy ladies who have formed a society underground. While they're safe in the bunker, there's a clear problem: the men are so weak that reproduction rates are at an all-time low. We need testosterone, STAT!

Did someone say shirtless Rod Taylor? Because we can all certainly use some shirtless Rod Taylor.

Watching World Without End, it's hard not to imagine it framed with silhouettes of a few robots and their human friend. This is a film that SCREAMS Mystery Science Theater 3000 because it hits all of those trademarks that make for a great riff: hand-made special effects, goofy but earnest dialogue, and careful violence that feels cute. This has such a '50s sci-fi vibe that I started watching it in jeans and when it ended, I somehow was wearing a poodle skirt.

Just kidding. Who the hell wears pants in their home?

I enjoyed World Without End. The film was written and directed by Edward Bernds, a man who spent a whole lot of time on Three Stooges projects (which might explain his confusion on how violence works). It's kind of a delight. 

There's some drama and heaviness. One astronaut leaves behind a wife and kids and has to accept that they're long gone, while the very threat of nuclear war underlines the entire story. I don't love how those left on the surface are treated as wild animals, but the film makes a tiny effort towards the end to suggest a brighter future for all. So long as you don't think too hard, World Without End is a pretty fun time.

High Points

Yes, the actual monster makeup and crafting could have used some darker lighting, but this is a movie that just feels so visually fun, especially when we go underground and are treated to, well, this

Low Points

Not surprisingly, the gender balance of a 1950s sci-fi film don't really feel great some decades later

Lessons Learned

The ancients kept most of their secrets in caves

The most effective way of shooting is to put your whole body into it, pushing that gun in the same direction you're firing

Astronauts are very good at understanding the differences between optimists and pessimists

Rent/Bury/Buy

World Without End doesn't have a lot on its mind (although one can always appreciate the unfortunately never-not-relevant nuclear war warning) and that's okay. This is a charming little bite of '50s science fiction that will scratch a very particular itch. 

Mars Needs Moms (& Dads)

When I hear “Invaders From Mars,” the first things that come to my mind are raw hamburger meat and Grandmother Foxworth bellowing out vowels. Released in 1986, Tobe Hooper’s remake of William Cameron Menzies’ 1953 sci-fi film is just weird enough to have cast a very deep impression on young me. It’s a mixed bag of a film, filled with some dark concepts and style that never quite fit with its youth-targeted market.

I’ve always been curious about the hard-to-find original, which is finally easily available for streaming on Amazon Prime.

Quick Plot: Young David MacLean has his head in the stars. This happens when your dad is a scientist and you keep a long-range telescope in your bedroom. One stormy night, David sees what can only be a UFO landing in the field just behind his house. His parents are dubious, but Dad heads outside to take a look, returning the next morning in a stone-faced manner unfitting his previously gentle disposition. 

David is suspicious, and with good reason. From his window, he witnesses his younger neighbor Kathy disappear in the same place his dad headed, seemingly sucked into the ground before returning to burn down her own home and dying of an aneurysm. Clearly, something from another world (in the pronunciation of 1953, “mew-tahnt”) has come to do some damage, but the warnings of a 10-year-old are hardly believable…especially as more and more authority figures fall victim to the same cursed sand pit.

Thankfully, David finds a few allies in the sympathetic Dr. Blake and scientist Dr. Kelston, who are able to convince the Scorsese-browed colonel and mount an attack. The race is on to free those already infected by Martian probes (including both of David’s parents and a few key members of military personnel) and send the leader (depicted here as a silent by big-eyed gold-painted head with tentacles encased in a glass fishbowl) back to the stars.

Made in 1953, Invaders From Mars lacks the deeper intensity and societal smarts as something like Them! or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but it’s not quite the type of throwaway lightweight space thriller better served by Mystery Science Theater 3000. Yes, Richard Blake’s screenplay essentially opens and closes with a kid saying “gee whiz”, but the film taps into something dark when David’s parents, introduced so lovingly, morph as they do. Director William Cameron Menzies finds some truly impressive ways to shoot, creating a sort of expressionist art deco style that makes the action memorable. Sure, the alien slaves are silly-looking doughy extras in green bodysuits, but there are some clear visual choices that elevate Invaders From Mars amid its timely limitations.

High Points

Authority figures not believing kids is an age-old trope for good reason, and Invaders From Mars manages to make it a deeply effective tool. We’re fully with David as he plays Chicken Little, making the introduction of Dr. Blake and Kelston such a comfort at exactly the right time.

Low Points

I love a montage as much as the next simple-minded movie fan, but when you get to the third “U.S. military assembling to patriotic music” segment in a 75 minute long film, it’s a tad exhausting

Lessons Learned

1950s suburban moms slept in heavier makeup than 2019 Hallmark Christmas movie leads

If there’s one thing the fire department can’t do, it’s put out a fire

When trying to avoid saying “dead” to kids, substitute my new favorite expression: “like Kathy”

Rent/Bury/Buy

There are certainly more powerful sci-fi flicks from this era, but Invaders From Mars is indeed worth a watch in 2019. The visuals are special, and there’s an ageless charm to the utter 1950s-ness of it all. Where else can you get a squid head Martian god in under 80 minutes?

I See No Aliens! No Really: They're Invisible, I Don't See Them

When TCM Underground airs a film whose description boils down to "alien zombies in business suits," you're not going to get much of an argument out of me.

Quick Plot: In the years following the nuclear devastation of World War II, many scientists became hesitant to continue exploring atomic physics. After his colleague Karol Noymann is killed in a lab explosion, Dr. Adam Penner decides to step away from science altogether. 

Things change significantly when Adam is visited by Karol's reanimated corpse, now occupied by an alien invader issuing a warning: tell the world to surrender or his space companions will take over the rest earth's dead bodies and wreak havoc upon the entire planet. We are invisible aliens who have been living on the moon, and now, we want to eff you up.

Shockingly, the general public doesn't quite buy the initial message.

A few demonstrations are in order, as the aliens make some pit stops at large sporting events to spread their message. For added dramatic effect, they also begin destroying major buildings, bridges, and dams across the world. Worst of all, they make good on their promise to take over recent corpses, lumbering through the streets in the guise of the deceased.

Yes indeed, Invisible Aliens is an early zombie film, and surprisingly good one at that. While the selling point for me may have indeed been "alien zombies in business suits," the final product is creepy, quick, and rewarding. Director Edward Cahn attacks the material from a smart and timely standpoint, making our main characters an interesting assortment of post-war types. We start with the scientists dealing with the guilt of atomic warfare and now having to re-enter the aggressive developments to save the world again. Later, a regular ol’ American soldier becomes a key player in addressing the morality of zombie/ghost/alien warfare.

There’s no doubt in my mind that Invisible Aliens--this here early zombie film that I’ve never heard mentioned in film discussion before--was viewed by a young George Romero some time before hauling a film crew to Pittsburgh. While there were certainly zombie movies prior to this one, the shambling corpses on display here are easily the closest thing I’ve seen a genuine precursor to Night of the Living Dead. When you smartly stuff that narrative into a swift 67 minutes, you’re doing a lot right. 

High Points

While the effects are certainly dated, the basic concept and design of these invisible corpse renting invaders is quite unnerving 

Low Points

This really has nothing to do with the film, but when I google image search “invisible aliens,” all that comes up first are stills from what might be the most infuriating film I’ve ever reviewed here, The Darkest Hour. Yes, it has invisible aliens, but it’s also THE STUPIDEST THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SEE.

Rant. Over.

Lessons Learned

It's pretty difficult to convince the American public that the planet is about to be invaded by invisible space invaders who possess corpses without a hint of evidence

Invisible moon people do not lift their feet when they walk

The best place to start spreading a message of planetary invasion is Syracuse, NY

Rent/Bury/Buy

Any zombie lover who hasn’t seen Invisible Aliens should definitely carve out a whopping 67 minutes to sneak it in. This isn’t the best sci-fi horror film to come out of the ‘50s, but it’s far better than many and offers a whole lot to enjoy in its brief running time. In the current open encyclopediac culture of cinema, I’m surprised it’s not discussed more often. 

What's the Buzz?

Every now and then, I remember to check out what Turner Classic Movies (better known as TCM) has airing at times when I’m not DVR’ing Jeopardy! or Step Up 3D for the nineteenth time. On one such occasion, I saw the intriguing title The Wasp Woman, written and directed by cult cinema’s official godfather, Roger Corman.   

Quick Plot: Janice Starlin is the founder and spokeswoman for a major cosmetics company that has hit a rough patch. To her investors, the cause is obvious: as the face of the brand, Janice’s fortysomething wrinkles are driving down sales. 

It’s a blow to her ego, but Janice doesn’t take such corporate insult lying down. When a controversial scientist named Eric Zinthrop walks in with a demonstration on the anti-aging effects of wasp jelly, Janice has volunteered herself to be its guinea pig before you can say Avon calling. 

As one might expect from any sci-fi monster movie made in 1959, said wasp jelly doesn’t quite succeed without a few side effects. In an age well before softly lit television commercials featuring happy people bike riding while a pleasant-voiced narrator speed talks through diarrheaconstipationimpotencenumbnesserectionslastinglongerthaneighthoursdrymouthinvoluntarybladderactiondepressionlossofappetiteweightgainandinsomecasesdeath, Janice has no one to blame but her own impatience. Sure, the initial facelift she gets from her first trial helps to instantly gain the confidence back from her board, but then Janice rushes the process before Zinthrop has the chance to warn her that, well, she might just turn into a wasp woman, she does indeed, turn into, a wasp woman.

If Masque of Red Death taught me one thing, it’s that Roger Corman is indeed capable of making an actual good movie. He just typically chose not to because such a goal costs valuable time and money.

Running barely an hour, The Wasp Woman feels like something in between a genuine attempt at filmmaking and a quick cash-in on The Fly. As Janice, Susan Cabot gives a strong, dedicated performance, taking the material perfectly seriously and in the process, creating a real person and unconventional villain. The basic theme of a woman who built a successful career only to have it questioned when her looks start to fade is extremely relevant half a century later, and Corman handles the concept with surprising restraint. For a nice stretch, I was predicting The Wasp Woman to reveal itself a hidden gem of the 1950s.

Then the movie ended.

I mean it: the clock struck one hour and the credits rolled. I guess Corman had another movie to make.

The shame of it is that The Wasp Woman had so much promise. Sure, the actual monster effects vary between being almost unsettling and somewhat laughable, but the underlying politics are prime material. Added to it is a minor subplot involving some of the male employees attempting to undermine Janice, something that could have easily lent itself to some interesting final showdowns. Instead, The Wasp Woman rushes to its conclusion, leaving plenty of potential in its nest.

High Points

Cabot really does give it her all, even when wearing a heavy wasp’s head and big ol’ antenna 

Low Points

Aforementioned race-to-the-finish-line ending

Lessons Learned

Friends don’t let their brilliant, daring, and one-of-a-kind scientists not keeping great records of their illegal research drive irresponsibly

‘Women’ is the excuse every man uses when he can’t find an answer

Just because side effects haven’t been joked about yet doesn’t mean they aren’t a serious danger

Rent/Bury/Buy

For a Corman joint, The Wasp Woman is more than decent. I was disappointed because I wanted more, which is generally a good sign for a film. No, this is no The Thing or Them!, but as a cheap '50s monster movie, the film makes for a fully watchable 60 minutes.

Ladies & Gentlemen, The President...and a chimpanzee dressed like a cowboy

Arnold Schwarzenegger seriously screwed up any chance I have at writing an effective intro to Bedtime For Bonzo, the 1951 comedy wherein Future President Ronald Reagan plays papa to a chimpanzee who wears human clothing. I wanted to make a great point about how anyone born past a certain point of familiarity with Reagan as an actor can’t help but be completely fascinated and even dubious that a man who once made a living mugging onscreen with a well-trained chimp would later go on to become one of the most powerful humans in the world

See, in the old days—but post Reagan as an actor, so not THAT old days—the biggest performance we’d get out of our politicians was their baby kissing or tax questions tap dancing or the juggernaut saxophone performance and failed spelling bee of the ’92 election. Our politicians were former lawyers turned public speakers who lived in suits and permanent smiles. They weren’t movie stars.

Then a man who once played a pregnant male scientist, futuristic robot, and Danny DeVito’s twin brother became governor and everything relevant to Bedtime For Bonzo changed forever. 

At least for my generation.

Quick Plot: Peter is an up and coming psychologist engaged to the stuffy word generally reserved for female dogs daughter of his boss. When his future father-in-law learns that Peter’s own pops was a convict, the wedding is called off and Stuffy Word Generally Reserved For Female Dogs seems okay with that. Not overly happy, but more “okay, we’ll just wait til Father rethinks this,” rather than “I love you and support you and will try to change my father’s mind.”

For whatever reason, Peter decides to fight for his rather apathetic fiancee’s approval the way any future president would:

Befriending a monkey.

It’s a little more complicated than that, I suppose. In addition to wanting to marry an awful woman, Peter is keen on proving his theory of nurture over nature and what better way to do so than to train a wily chimp in the ways of a good and pure nuclear family? Thusly does he embark on hiring a mama—who conveniently enough is a sugar sweet young lady who seems poised to play the foil of his beloved at every turn—and begin daily routines of a healthy breakfast, kissing mama before leaving for work, and of course, putting Bonzo to bed.

Naturally, a series of misunderstandings leads to a second broken engagement, arrest, chimp dressed like a cowboy, job loss, chimp sale, burglary, chimp in glasses, and love triangle, that last of which is egged on by Peter’s partner, a foreign scientist who might actually be cinema’s classiest pimp. This being a 1954 family comedy, all ends well, even if not every member of the cast rides off into the sunset wearing a seatbelt.

High Points

I’m not necessarily keen on the man’s politics or his understanding of the food pyramid, but future president Ronald Reagan is actually quite likable in the lead role, even when being engaged to a total snob

Low Points

Surprisingly enough, there isn’t that much drama or intrigue to be found inside a film about a psychologist trying to train a chimpanzee

Lessons Learned

Almost 23 is not so young

A papa should tell a mama when he’s almost engaged to someone

You can’t be a dope without a college degree

Hearing the future president shout “You’ve got to help me find my monkey!” makes me realize how no man can repeatedly say ‘monkey’ without sounding weird. It’s not just you, Harvey Keitel!

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Tally

New Kid In Town: X

Recent Dead or Divorced Parent: X

Montage: X. Although there is a prolonged musical sequence involving the monkey on a bicycle, which is sort of the older generation’s version of a montage.

New Friendship: Check

Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult (Human): X. 

Evil Corporate Enemy: Check. Heads of universities make for formidable villains

Original Song: X

Bully Comeuppance: X 

Small Town Values: X

Back To Nature Moral: X

Overall Score: 2/10. I guess the tropes have an expiration date after all

Rent/Bury/Buy

Having never seen Ronald Reagan act in a film, Bedtime For Bonzo was certainly an experience of sorts. It’s not every day you watch a future world leader cradle a chimpanzee in his arms and feed it with a baby bottle. Reagan apparently despises this film, which somehow makes the whole thing that much more amusing. Kind of like thinking ketchup would be a good serving of vegetables for the youth of America...