Tuppence An Innocent

On the list of dangerous professions to have when starring in a horror movie, I think ‘governess’ must rank fairly high. Add in the dread of children speaking with British accents inside a large and ghost-ridden mansion and you can bet your spoonful of sugar that the overtime pay just isn’t worth it.

Quick Plot: Deborah Kerr plays Miss Giddens, a prim blond with the luck of the easiest job interview since Being John Malcovich. Although she has never actually worked with children, she adores them and instantly lands the position of being governess to the niece and nephew of a wealthy--but not lonely, hm hm hm--bachelor who inherited the rugrats without the slightest desire to even look at them. Miss Giddens immediately packs up her velvet bustles and heads to a secluded country home to meet, teach, and get really freaked out by Flora and Miles.

All seems well and Mary Poppinsonian at first, as Flora (played by a ten year old And Soon the Darkness’ Pamela Franklin) is an absolute dear, while Miles proves to be incredibly charming...perhaps too charming. It isn’t long before Miss Giddens starts to pick up on strange cues between the children, an odd closeness that ends in ominous giggles. Coupled with that, she keeps hearing voices and occasionally catching glimpses of figures no one acknowledges until the housekeeper reveals the fate of the previous governess Miss Jessel and her abusive lover, the family’s valet Quint.

The Innocents is an eerily gothic ghost story that takes its time a la The Haunting. Co-written by Truman Capote (based on a play by William Archibald which was in turn based on The Turning of the Screw by Henry James), the film has long been a favorite of greatest horror films/ghost stories/underrated genre pictures by the likes of such luminaries as Martin Scorsese. You can see why. From the haunting music box theme to shadowy menaces, director Jack Clayton (aided immensely by director of photography Freddie Francis) builds some brilliant suspense with every tool at his disposal. Heck, just hearing the name “Miss Jessel” spoken with an English accent is enough to send a few chills through your spine.

In addition to creepy ghosts with romantic liaisons, The Innocents is rich with something far more unsettling and not innocent: Oedipal leanings. The precocious Miles takes quite a liking to his pretty teacher, leading to an uncomfortable moment that puts Miss Giddens at the wrong end of an inappropriate goodnight kiss. It’s incredibly creepy and though it doesn’t get fully explored, the hints hang in the air with stifling weight.

High Points

Many a filmmaker could take more than a few lessons from the atmosphere of The Innocents, something established incredibly well both indoors and out

Low Points

Though Miss Giddens’ chastity does come across, we never quite get to know this woman outside of her relationship to the children. While that in itself is interesting, it would have helped to know a tad more about our main character’s past, at least to give us a clearer sense of her reliability. Although perhaps that was the point...

Lessons Learned

When you spot a ghostly figure lurking outside, always make a note of his rating because you can guarantee the first question asked to identify the stranger will be “Is he handsome?”

Suggesting a game of hide-and-seek inside a gigantic mansion just before bedtime is probably not the best idea a governess could make

Nothing weird about bringing a dead bird to bed with you. Nothing. At. All.

Pompadours don't look any more normal on gothic children than they do on Korean dictators

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Innocents is a hard film to find, but if it comes your way, it’s certainly worth dimming the lights for a quietly chilled evening. Fans of atmospheric horror should consider it required viewing in the same vein as The Haunting. Of course, it’s a slow trail and one not necessarily rewarded with a colorful Insidious ghost party finale or The Others-like twist, but The Innocents is, plain and simple, a classic in its understated horror straight into its tragic conclusion. Watch it...just not if you have to agree to supervise creepy British kids in order to do so.

Vay-Slay-tion...eh, it's vacation; I can't be bothered to make a clever title

There are a lot of options when it comes to choosing a vacation plan. Too bad most are simply one-way tickets taking you straight into horror movie hell. 

Examine:

Cabin In the Woods

Sometimes you just want to get away from it all, snuggle into a flannel and tap into your inner woodsy hermit. Too bad this usually ends in zombification, skin-rotting disease, sexual abuse via forestry or genital mutilation. What, you think Evil Dead, Cabin Fever, and Lars Von Trier's Antichrist are exceptions to the rule?

Athletic Excursions

Most of us prefer to exercise our alcohol tolerance during a vacation, but there are the bizarre few who escape to foreign lands in order to best be active. Serves these physical overachievers right for encountering such horrors. Robert Fuest's 1970 chiller, And Soon the Darkness, follows two fit young women exploring the French countryside via bicycle, working their legs so much that it becomes impossible to run away from the mysterious menace hunting their ten-speed path. Similarly, the kickass girl group at the center of The Descent could be enjoying leisure tours of the Appalachian Mountains, but sadly, the only thing they learned from Deliverance was that a sleeveless red leather jacket looks good in the wilderness.

Snowy Escape

If you're like me, you see the sweltering heat of summer as a preview of hell, making a winter getaway in June as close as you'll come to the pearly gates. It makes perfect sense for the Norwegian med students to snowmobile their way through Dead Snow while on a school break; it's just a shame their drinking games get interrupted by Nazi zombies. Things could be worse. They could be fighting their own flesh and blood, much like the ill-fated parents of The Children, another winter-break horror that ends in doom.

Island Adventure

Because you know how much directors like the contrast of blood on snow, you wise up and hit the sand somewhere safe where no real-life horror can ever find you. Of course what you get instead is generally a supernatural menace thirsting for your suntanned flesh. Look to Lucio Fulci’s Zombie for a pair of innocent (just slightly nude) scuba divers thrown into an undead infested Caribbean paradise. And no, don’t assume you’re safe just because you already survived a harrowing horror movie fate. Poor Sheriff Tiler has to rebattle the titular Jack Frost in the 2000 sequel to the world’s greatest film about a killer snowman. Yes, there’s a killer snowman in the tropics. Don’t think too hard. You’re on vacation.

Cruisin

As long as you’re immune to seasickness, why wouldn’t you hop on board a cruise ship? Live music, shuffleboard, and daily all-you-can-eat buffet trips...What’s the catch? Nothing really. Just the minor inconvenience of being stalked and slaughtered by a tall dude with a machete (if, of course, you’re referring to the first 3/4 of Jason Takes Manhattan). Rather keep your itinerary in your own hands? It’s hardly safer, at least if you’re weak to the charms of Billy Zane (and who isn’t?). That’s the lesson learned by Sam Neill and Nicole Kidman in 1989’s Dead Calm, and unless you plan on having sex with a psychopath and aiming a bow and arrow at your beloved pooch, I advise you observe it carefully.

Road Trip Fun

See America the way Henry Ford intended with a cross-country road trip accompanied by hours of I Spy. One can only cycle through 99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall so many times before the  need for a new adventure rises, at which point there are plenty of inbred cannibals (Wrong Turn), possessed mannequins (Tourist Trap) and dysfunctional psychotic families (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) waiting to make your vacation a little more memorable.

I Want to Ride My Bicycle

Not surprisingly, May is National Bike Month and even less surprisingly, that reminds me of a few good--or just entertaining--horror films.

1. And Soon the Darkness

A bicycle holiday through the French countryside sounds like a lovely idea, but the two lovely ladies at the center of Robert Fuest’s 1970 thriller have some pretty serious troubles ahead, and only part of that stems from the fact that both are wearing chafe-inducing hot pants. After a cranky are-we-there-yet squabble, the good girl Jane and flirty Cathy go their separate ways and a mysterious underwear thief pops latter’s bicycle tires. Yes, that’s literal, but let it lead your mind down a much darker path and enjoy this tense little cat-and-mouse tale unwind.

2. Demonic Toys

In the early 1990s, one could always count on Full Moon Entertainment to deliver something entertaining to VCRs across the country. Enter Demonic Toys, a messy--albeit enjoyable--horror featuring foul-mouthed baby dolls, hungry jack-in-the-boxes, satanic rituals, and, most relevant, rude little blond girls in gas masks on tricycles. Yes, that last part does send a significant chill upon first glance (particularly if, like me, you’re a tad uncomfortable around...you know...little blond girls in gas masks on tricycles) and like most Full Moon films, the scares don’t quite take themselves seriously long enough to merit any lasting effect but still...rude little blond girls in gas masks on tricycles. 

3. The Shining

Is it possible to walk through an antiquated motel with ugly carpeting and long hallways and NOT find yourself bemoaning the absence of a hot cycle? It just seems like the best possible mode of transportation to help navigate a haunted mansion. Maybe not the fastest escape from drunk daddy and his ax, but at least it takes you back to childhood. 

4. 2001: A Space Odyssey

Who knew Stanley Kubrick was such a bike enthusiast? Witness his second (or chronologically first, but set in the then-future, so...you get the idea) foray into bike horror in a more conceptional manner with 2001. The idea of tandem bicycles is already a tad unsettling--something about romantic exercise in a weirdly long vehicle just seems off to me--so hearing H.A.L. sing so coldly about “A bicycle built for two” in his dying cyber breaths lands on already chilled ears. Especially when you picture a lovely lass named Daisy riding a two-seater with a surly computer. The visual is a challenge in itself. 

5. The Wizard of Oz

Jaws. Darth Vader. The Wicked Witch of the West.

All supervillains. All equipped with incredibly iconic musical themes that speak to the very terror they instill in children, drunken sailors, Jedis, and Munchkins. Though it’s Mrs. Gulch--not the green-faced sorceress--who spends an extended time on a banana seat, children of all ages (and of all generations for 60+ years) have felt the hairs stand up on their trembling arms when those fast-paced notes blow by like a biker caught in a tornado. After all, this is a woman who wanted to kill one of cinema’s most efficient mutts!

6. The Toxic Avenger

Hey kids, tired of your mom forcing an ugly, socially unacceptable bike helmet on your sensitive adolescent head? Throw a little Troma her way and help yourself in the process with this 1984 splatter classic, wherein naughty drunk driving teens make serious sport out of running over pedestrians and cyclists. The best victim? A passing preteen (double points) whose safety gear can’t protect his noggin from the heavy skidmarks of a full-speed tire.

7. Maximum Overdrive

So a comet is nearing your planet and anything running on electricity wants to kill you. Hope you got a 10 speed! Because how else can you escape a clown-faced mack truck, determined lawnmower, and homicidal soda machine shooting out Pepsi cans as if they were bullets? The very thought makes me want to sign up for spin class in order to prepare.

8. Uzumaki

Ah, the innocence of young love, perfectly captured in Higuchinsky’s surreal J-thriller by an amorous couple’s daily bike rides through the town. The makings of a lovely relationship expected to bloom into prom dances and tenuous hand-holding...if only it wasn’t for the village-wide infection that renders residents suicidal or snail-like. 

9. In the Mouth of Madness

It was a dark and lonely night on the highway heading into Hobb’s End, and though he may have conquered T-Rexes and played the antichrist, even Sam Neill got skittish when a John Carpenter lookalike in washed-out denim peddles by in the wee hours of a haunted morning. 

10. Prince of Darkness

Despite an assumed short wind from years of chain smoking, I think we can safely assume John Carpenter appreciates a pleasant bike ride from time to time.  Witness this 1987 horror, the second entry in his loose Apocalypse trilogy, wherein a homeless Alice Cooper uses half a bicycle for a casual back alley impalement. 

11. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure

Not necessarily horrific, but the inclusion of sharp-fanged clowns with suspect medical degrees is enough to terrify anyone, and considering their main motive in Tim Burton's classic 1985 film is to destroy the coolest bicycle ever to grace the silver screen, I'd say they more than earn a place in this list.

And Soon (No, Actually Not Soon At All) the Darkness

In continuing my catchup of great daytime horror, today's featured film comes courtesy of a recommendation from one Andre Dumas (whom I assume with confidence to be the distant relation of the Mousekateer dude) over at The Horror Digest , a fine horror blog filled with an excellent assortment of reviews and musings from a talented mind.


Since this is an extremely slow film that takes its time moving, it seems fair that I should drag out this intro equally so. So. Spring eh? And how 'bout them Mets? That's a horror show to be in itself! And you know, ever listen to the lyrics of MacArthur Park? What's that about? Cake? Rain? Speaking of rain, it's April and...


Yeah that's not working. Let's just talk about the movie.

Quick Plot:

Two pretty young British nurses are on a bicycle holiday touring the French countryside. Jane, the level-headed (possibly because of her symmetrical haircut) brunette has the trip mapped and planned, but the 'bright blond' Cathy would rather relax, tan her rectangular midsection, and flirt with Frenchmen resembling what I assume the love child of Kermit the Frog and the stressed out teacher in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory would look like on a Vespa.

A cranky are-we-there-yet squabble breaks up the pair, with Jane hopping her red hot pants bum back on her bike and venturing on while Cathy hangs some damp underwear on a tree, pumps on the '70s tunes, and takes a nap on the side of the road (the world was a very different place pre-Girls Gone Wild). When she wakes up, Jane is long gone, as are one probably dry pair of panties. Far worse is the fact that her rented bicycle is now mangled and unridable. Looking on the bright side, her wedgie situation will most likely improve.

Upon pulling over for a drink, the non-French speaking Jane has an awkward exchange with a local that leaves her uneasy about the road ahead and behind. Swayed by her good girl conscience, she rides back to Cathy only to discover (gasp cue) no sign of her friend. Foreign help is fishy and hard to understand, and cell phones are further away than the end of the Cold War. 

And Soon the Darkness is filled with red herrings and careful plot twists, so I'll tread lightly here. Something is clearly amiss, but who's to blame? Is it the shady couple running a never-visited cafe? The spinstery British schoolmistress offended by sex and tourism? The slick and seemingly intentionally mysterious moped driver who works on 'impulse?' The sympathetic but evil mustache-sporting policeman? His insane elderly father who likes to make head accessories out of underpants?

I can't say how long the film keeps you guessing for, but it holds up the mystery incredibly well until its frightening reveal. While the cast--particularly Pamela Franklin as the final girl Jane--is exceptionally strong, most of the credit for And Soon the Darkness belongs to director Robert Fuest. 

Familiar name you say? Many viewers may remember him from The Abomidable Dr Phibes (still on my to-see list) but loyal readers here would know the man from the meltstravaganza of Shattitude and satanism, The Devil's Rain. On one hand, it's rather unbelievable that the same director could helm such shockingly different films in terms of quality. On the other, the few things that work in that star-studded atrocity involve Fuest's mastery of a sprawling desert landscape, something used to great effect in And Soon the Darkness.

This isn’t a film that rests on dialogue or plot. While the familiar premise of stranger-in-a-strange-land + missing person on the road draws us in, it’s Fuest’s camera that holds our attention for nearly 80 minutes before a genuine threat of violence. Many viewers probably won’t last that long, but the tense finale had me holding my breath and eventually, squirming in true discomfort and horror. The PG rating (yes, this was pre-PG13) isn’t totally unwarranted in terms of what’s on the screen, but if watched in full with the right patience, And Soon the Darkness is thoroughly unsettling.

High Points

Between the happy-go-lucky opening theme (repeated throughout to eerie effect) and some of the lighter musical cues, the score is carefully crafted and well used to full effect

I should explain that I have a personal connection to some of the fears on display here. No, I've never subjected myself to a hot pants bike tour or been teased by a lingerie-headed Frenchman, but I've lived abroad in the past without knowing much of the language. Fuest fantastically captures that discomfort one naturally has being an outsider in a foreign land. Jane probably does fine at cafes and hostels, but put her in serious danger and watch the stress and fear eat away the few French phrases she knows. The film wisely eschews any subtitles, keeping us--at least, the non-Francophiles and kids that failed French class--in the same helpless state of never knowing what others are saying about the situation. Combine that with the endless road and sparsely populated villages and you have a character in dire need of help, unable to explain why, and never sure if she can trust the man or woman who may or may not provide it.

Especially in pants like those

Low Points

Yes, there is no real kinetic plotting until the 80+ minute mark. While the suspense held my attention, this could easily dissuade a lot of viewers

I can’t really detail this plot piece without spoiling, so I’ll be vaguer than a Lost preview and say that the behavior of a major character towards the end is incredibly frustrating in hindsight. Don’t you WISH you knew what I meant by that!

Lessons Learned

In the '70s, vertically striped pants and mint green collared shirts earned you the description, "dishy"

The French countryside is home to quite a few abandoned trailer parks

Before embarking on a weeklong vacation with a casual friend, be sure you have common interests

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is the kind of film that didn’t really unnerve me until the next day, when I had some time to reflect on just how eerie the overall execution turned out to be. Because of its snail crawl pacing, I wouldn’t advise a blind buy, as many a viewer will simply be too bored. Rent And Soon the Darkness for a day when you have a solid 100 minutes and some intellectual energy to digest. The DVD includes a few extras and a filmmaker commentary, a fantastic listen for film fans with eagle eyes and open ears. As you might expect, there is indeed a remake in the works, this one starring All the Boy's Love Mandy Lane’s Amber Heard. I’m personally curious to see a modern take on this tale, especially if director Marcos Efron has the patience to let the setting (in this case, Argentina) speak for itself.