Parody is easy to do, and very difficult to do well. Not every songwriter can be Weird Al, and not every The Fast & the Furious spoof can reach the glorious heights of Superfast!
Monday, July 7, 2025
We're Gonna Need a Bigger Lawn
Monday, June 30, 2025
Gaslight (White Diamonds Edition)
Every time I move, I play the mathematical nightmare game of trying to figure out what I should be doing about cable. Anyone younger than me may be googling the definition of ‘cable.’ Those older are just asking, “Spectrum or Optimum?” Those in between wonder about Fios.
Sometimes it is a bit of a mind boggle to realize how many languages this particular moment in time is speaking without realizing they’re different. We are our own Tower of Babel, a precarious stack of cable boxes atop routers spewing out cut cords like dead vines.
Inevitably, because I am now officially old, I flirt with such things as Hulu Live or YouTube TV and realize in the end, I’m just going to keep that darned fossil of a cable box…though now a smaller pebble that makes my RoKu look like overweight.
All this is to say that with my ridiculously overpriced cable plan (look, a lifelong baseball fan will almost always be stuck giving in to the network gods) I now get TCM (Turner Classic Movies, for the younglings). And that means I have constant access to film classics that are often hard to find or more specifically, hard to remember that I want to find them. So when something in the genre hits that digital guide, it’s a safe bet that I’m going to make that $10.99 DVR do its job.
Quick Plot: Ellen Wheeler is the kind of glamorously wealthy English(?)woman who sleeps in full makeup and drinks brandy from fine glassware in a sprawling garden estate. She also looks a lot like Elizabeth Taylor.
There's been a lot of talk in the last few years about what it means to be a movie star, and how that kind of categorization has been dying out in an age of 21st century media. I disagree with the sentiment (Florence Pugh, Michael B. Jordan, Sydney Sweeney to name a few new ones). Still, when those unusual violet eyes catch the film’s lighting in such a way that you get an all-out diamond sparkle, you kind of understand the phrase "the camera loved her.”
But the world doesn't seem to love Ellen. A few years earlier, her husband died in a car crash. That's sad, but it's a harsher memory when his passenger was a much younger, also dead mistress.
Ellen moved on well enough to remarry, but things seem tense between new husband John. One night, during a chaotic storm, Ellen spots a dead body sitting in front of the window of the abandoned house next door. The police are summoned to predictably find no sign of foul play, and John is doubtful of his wife’s state of mind. Much like every beautifully wealthy British(?sure) woman of her time, Ellen is recovering from a nervous breakdown.
Bestie Sarah (genre all-star Billie Whitelaw) is visiting and quickly sides with John, which only fuels Ellen’s fury. There are also shady psychiatrists, mysterious gardeners, finely worded paperwork, and all the other details you look for in this kind of story.
Based on a successful play, Night Watch was directed by Brian G. Hutton, better known for war movies like Kelly’s Heroes. He seems a good fit for this material and cast. The story feels like a rather straight British mansion mystery, but the film never feels as if it was confined to a stage. Part of that is the pure star power of Elizabeth Taylor, but it’s also the simple joy of a raging thunderstorm and heavy classical score. We use the word “cozy” to describe a lot of mysteries these days, even when they involve homicide. Night Watch seems to have that same perfect mood.
High Points
I wasn’t terribly surprised at the film’s second-to-last reveal, but I was fairly shocked at the level of violence and pure viciousness in the primary act(s) of violence. It takes Night Watch to a brutal place I didn’t see coming, and it makes the denouement that much more chilling in its own eerie way
Low Points
I’ll be a little vague here as to avoid spoilers, but I do wonder if the film needed just a hair more of one character’s chronic betrayal to better tie things together
Lessons Learned
Everything is bigger and better in Spain
Dead bodies are easier to cope with than dead husbands
Ulcers and golf make for a terrible combination
Rent/Bury/Buy
There are certainly better versions of this kind of tale than Night Watch, but I still had a fantastic time with its twists and turns (even if a clever viewer could probably call most of them out early on). Elizabeth Taylor commands the screen and leads us into a gloriously satisfying finale. If you’re experiencing any kind of itch that only a 1973 British mystery can scratch, this one will feel great.
Monday, June 23, 2025
30 Odd Foot of Clicks
Monday, June 16, 2025
Northern Exposure
Good gosh do I love a period film set in the freezing waters of absolute doom. We get so few. We need so many more.
Quick Plot: Welcome to the 19th century Arctic, an easy-living destination filled with fresh fish and jolly drunken cheer.
Oh, how I kid.
Life is miserable. Young widow Eva manages a sad fishing outpost once run by her late husband Magnus. Eva and her crew pass the time with ale and ghost stories told with panache by the superstitious cook Helga, but it's a rough routine.
One fateful afternoon, helmsman Ragnar spots a sinking vessel stuck in The Teeth, the same treacherous rocks that claimed Magnus some years earlier. With their own resources so limited, Ragnar refuses to lead a rescue despite good-hearted sailor Daniel's plea to do the right thing. Eva reluctantly agrees with Ragnar's decision, but when some delicious salted pork from the doomed ship rolls onto their land, the group decides to investigate.
It doesn't go well. Though they find a few barrels of lamp oil, they also discover some rightfully frantic survivors trying to hitch a ride onboard. Ragnar tries to fight them off but ends up pulled into the water. Daniel hammers one in the face to save Eva. It's ugly and no one feels very good about their choices...especially when the bodies wash up on shore the next day and strange signs point to a haunting.
Hungry, cold, and terrified, the team quickly descends into chaos. But are they being hunted by a wronged draugr, or their own madness?
The Damned is a rich slice of period horror that falls short of greatness in part because, well, it's simply too short. At just 90 minutes, the film moves fairly quickly, even if it also has the feeling of a slow-burning ghost story. The problem is that its big finale culminates in a twist that should hit hard before the screen fades to a silent black. Instead, it had me scratching my head.
I won't spoil The Damned's ending, as I do still recommend this as a worthy atmospheric watch. But the fact that I sat through the end credits tossing things over in my head, then pounced on internet threads to see if there was a consensus is telling. And that most Google searches that start "the damned movie" include "ending explained" and descend into arguments isn't something to be ignored.
Director Thordur Palsson clearly has talent. Even in its warranted literal darkness, The Damned looks and feels like a much grander period film than its fairly low budget would normally suggest. There’s not a bad performance in the bunch. Tension is built effectively. And yet, when all of these things are put together and add up to a truly confusing end note, it’s hard to give the film a full pass.
High Points
Come on, it's a sleek horror film set in the 19th century arctic! What's not to enjoy?
Low Points
It's often the nature of snow-set ensembles that characters in heavy layers and tightly wound scarves are hard to differentiate. This is in full swing in The Damned, where we're stuck with a whole crew of frost-faced white men who blend together so quickly that I never really had a footing of anyone’s individual identity, making it difficult to even do a head count as the terror grew
Lessons Learned
Ocean-bloated corpses make cozy hideaways for eels
Always listen to the cook
A stopped watch is haunted at least twice a day
Rent/Bury/Buy
I’m very glad I watched The Damned. It was a great moody way to spend a late Sunday afternoon in the dark, and the fact that its first 89 minutes was so strong makes me almost forgive it ending so poorly. If you’re the kind of forgiving genre fan who can look past an unresolved (and I don’t mean ambiguous: I mean genuinely undecided) ending, this is well worth your eyes.
Monday, June 9, 2025
Just a Friend You Haven't Met