Horrible Non-Horror!

My name is Emily and I'm a bad movie addict. You knew that already, based on the fact that you probably found this shack of cyberspace by googling reviews for Feeders 2: Slay Bells  (cause who else is reviewing this one), Death Bed: The Bed That Eats , and Paranormal Entity  (yes, you read that title right and no, it wasn't as bad as you'd expect).

What you might not know is that I also love bad movies that don't involve rabid grannies or homicidal furniture. Hence, this page is reserved for something I like to call Horrible Non-Horror! (exclamation point included). Click on the title to read the full review. Then be sure to wash out your eyeballs and watch Citizen Kane 40 times in penance.

13. Delgo

A children's film that unifies ugly fairies, JarJar-inspired lizard things, racial segregation, and gambling addiction. Did I mention it features the voices of teen heartthrobs J. Love Hewitt and Freddie Prinze Jr.? The kids couldn't stay away!

12. Kazaam

Who dare to wake me? Ain't gonna mame this a mystery. Don't wanna do time on your wishes three. Watch it, boy! You don't want to dis me! Or I'll dish out my misery. Now. who's that sorry wanna-be that disturbed my z's? If you wanna be number one, I'm sorry boy, that's been done! But if you got the itches for a sack of riches don't matter how avaricious, I'm the man that can grant your wishes! Hey, don't turn your butt on me! I'm the man of the ages, straight out of the pages. Hang on! I'm contagious, outrageous, spontaneous! You can't contain this. I am KAZAAM! --

Introductory rap as performed by Shaquille O'Neal. And yes, it's even better than you can imagine.

11. Twilight: The Third One

Where the above picture happens for about 95% of the film's insufferable running time

10. Nutcracker In 3D

No seriously. I'm not making any of this up.
You know what could have improved Tchaikovsky's celebrated ballet? Nazis. Scary clowns. Annoying chirpy voices. Albert Einstein. Lyrics. Lyrics to the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies that explain the Theory of Relativity.

9. Sunday School Musical

Learn what happens when the studio behind such modern classics as Snakes On a Train, Transmorphers, Paranormal Entity, and the (sequel to an) Oscar-winning Titanic 2 takes on Disney's High School Christian Musical demographic. The results are quite dull.

8. Junior

Arnold Schwarzenegger gets pregnant. 'Nuff said.

7. Babes In Toyland

Keanu. Reeves. Singing.

6. Left Behind: The Movie

Did you know beta fish won't be spared in the rapture? Or that nose rings are evil? Or that Kirk Cameron really really really loves God? 

5. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li

Nowhere near the fun as the 1994 Raul Julia/Van Damme classic, but it does provide ample chance to ruminate on the terrifying hugeness that is Chris Klein's forehead:

4. Cool As Ice 

Too cold? I think not. 

3. Twilight/New Moon 

Words don't really describe my distaste for it, but that doesn't stop me from trying! (and using The Stabilizer, The Empire Strikes Back, and Freddy's Revenge as reference points)

2. Tiptoes 

Matthew McConaughy, Kate Beckisdale, Patricia Arquette, and Gary Oldman "in the performance of a lifetime" (according to the trailer). Dwarfs, romance, French Marxism, little people rights, implied circle jerks, and much more.

1. The Blind Side 

Excerpt: The Blind Side is a McDonald’s--or, more appropriately, Taco Bell--dollar menu item. Seemingly appealing, yet less fulfilling than the gum scraped off a sidewalk. Dangerous to your health and destructive to the minds and bodies of those that consume it. It creates an imaginary fantasy world where people are either amazingly angelic, uneducated and dangerous, or blank slates willing to fall on whichever side seizes them with prettier colors. 

This film makes me embarrassed to be considered white. And alive.