Horrible Non-Horror! Left Behind: The Movie

There are some types of people I find endlessly frustrating and equally amusing. We’ll call them psycho doomsday religious folk.

Sometimes they stand next to me on the subway, ranting and raving about how children are turning to iPods and homosexuality because they’ve forgotten the word of Jesus. Shame on all of us for not remembering how that nice young crucified man so detested iPods and homosexuals.

I have no problem with faith. We’re all entitled to believe or not believe whatever we wish, however silly it may seem to others (like me). But there are some aspects of religious zealots (namely the mass unwarranted judgment imposed on others) that truly irks me, including the concept of today’s gloriously awful feature, Left Behind: The Movie.

To begin, you have to adore any film that adds “The Movie” after its title. Because it’s already assuming a certain level of stupidity from its audience. Honestly, I find it adorable.

Quick Plot: Our story opens at 6PM in Jersalame. Then the credits roll and the new time card reads ‘6:03PM.’ 

Am I crazy, or is that hilarious?

Anyway, Kirk Cameron plays Buck Williams, a reporter, despite all associations with his name reminding us of cowboys or porn stars. On his returning flight, something wacky--or Langolier-ish--occurs when a bunch of passengers simply vanish, leaving their clothing and relatives behind. This appears to be a global phenomenon, one so dramatic that martial law is immediately declared.

So who disappeared, and who...dramatic piano tones...was LEFT BEHIND (the movie)? Hint hint: all empty clothing may have included a crucifix.

See, the Christians were rescued before the upcoming (7 years, according to some characters) rapture, leaving their loved ones alone and doomed. Unless they start reading the Bible, like goofily named pilot Rayford Steele. Meanwhile, a slick Russian politician slithers his way into world power minutes after Kirk Cameron has a religious epiphany in the UN bathrooms. 

Oh, and a bunch of stuff explodes along the way.

Here’s the thing about Left Behind: The Movie: the extras are way more entertaining than the film itself. Take, for example, a featurette wherein actress Janaya Stephens enthusiastically  announces how this is “the biggest and most ambitious Christian movie ever made.” Then just imagine her sadness at the $200 million plus gross of The Passion of the Christ (a real horror movie if there ever was one).

We also get to hear red carpet interviews with a few Hollywood stars (including the guy from The Michael Landon Story!) which is mostly useful for learning what actors are also scary and religious (Lacey Chabert, Hunter Tylo, Demonic Toys’ Tracy Scoggins). By far my favorite part though is Stephens' stiff reading of “The producers knew they would have to go big.”

Cut to a bunch of things blowing up.

Yes, dear Hollywood, that is how you reel in the rowdy teens and convert them via Kirk Cameron. Poor Kirk. I’ve never seen an actor in more pain than watching the former Mike Seaver pretend (I won’t call it acting) to be a non-believer. It's a relief when his character (Buck Williams, say it without laughing please) finds God because finally, Kirk can at least play his type and draw out some form of believability.

Lessons Learned

The UN’s no picnic

When you meet Kirk Cameron, the best thing to always say is ‘Nice hair!’

Beta fish will be left behind

One sign of showing your Christian solidarity is to remove your scandalous nose ring. Jesus hates those

The best place to have a religious conversation is a very clean public restroom

Rent/Bury/Buy

My biggest beef with Left Behind (it’s a movie) is its painstaking dullness (despite “big” explosions). The antichrist gets nothing special other than awkward slo-motion (but not really slo-motion, it’s fast slo-motion which somehow seems sacriligious). The rapture is saved, presumably for parts 2 and 3. The fact that they’re streaming on Instant Watch is even more frustrating. Now I HAVE to watch them, and not in order to save my soul.

So do I, from a bad film perspective, recommend Left Behind: The Movie? If you’re the type of person who finds yourself chuckling at Sunday mass, then perhaps. More importantly, I can’t urge you enough to watch the featurettes on the “Special Edition” DVD. Hey, they even toss in a scene from a Gary Busey Christploitation! That alone might make you a believer.