Roman Holiday

Maybe it all began with Sonic the Hedgehog, but I've always found volcanoes to be, rather naturally, absolutely horrific. The Pompeii eruption that destroyed an entire city way back when is certainly good fodder for the big budget treatment. All it needed, apparently, was a lot of abs.

Quick Plot: It's 500 A.D., and unless you're a miscast Kiefer Sutherland playing a Roman senator, life sucks.

Slaves are sent to the gladiator arenas to die in forgettable glory.

Business folks are forced to make bad deals to secure some kind of stability.

Hot daughters of business people must marry miscast Kiefer Sutherlands.

Oh, and there's a massive volcano set to destroy the entire city via lava, tidal waves, earth fractures, fireballs, rubble collapses, and unhinged miscast Kiefer Sutherlands.

Can anyone catch a break?

Pompeii is a big budget disaster pic that basically asks the question, how can we squeeze a PG-13 rated Gladiator into 100 minutes of Independence Day (or 2012, or whatever your modern CGI-infused apocalypse is of choice). Directed by Resident Evil godfather Paul W.S. Anderson, it tells an extremely familiar story with streamlined efficiency. Consider the cast of characters:
 
Handsome hero with a childhood grudge, insanely chiseled physique, and secret heart of gold

Lovable sidekick who will start out as our handsome hero's rival before accepting a supporting role and sacrificing himself for the whiter handsome hero he recently befriended

Beautiful poor little rich girl with a conscience and amazing ability to keep her pre-Cover Girl makeup perfectly smudge-proof

Evil, just unrepentant evil villain and his taller right hand man

Everyone's mostly British, because, you know, OLD TIMES. All the villains get their comeuppance, all the helpful but less white supporting cast member die semi-heroically, and the booming soundtrack pauses not once but TWICE when our handsome hero upon his horse has to leap over what could be certain death, only to land safely and cue up the horn section with his triumph.

You don't go into Pompeii expecting innovation. You expect, and receive, all the grape-chewing baddie sneers, the impossible combat scenes that only our hero and sidekick can survive, and computer printed lava raining down upon scores of extras wearing recycled garbs from Rome. To its credit, the movie doesn't really wimp out on delivering the complete wipe-out of a city and its people. There's no Pierce Brosnan or Tommy Lee Jones dispatched to evacuate a plucky band of deserving survivors. This is a historic volcano that annihilated everything in its path.

But hey, the people are still really, really pretty. And the not-quite Spartacus gladiator scenes are sort of the equivalent of saying, "I love a fine boiled lobster served with garlic mashed potatoes in a five-star restaurant but can also enjoy Long John Silver's deep fried cod and basic french fries." This movie isn't better than it could have been, but it's as good as it should have been for being, you know, a mid-big budget PG-13 historical action romp about a volcano.

High Points
Considering the bulk of IMDB's trivia section focuses on it, I don't see why I shouldn't: Kit Harington is typically weighed down by furs and Night's Watch robes on Game of Thrones, so while it may sound crass and shallow to compliment his inhuman 12-pack of a stomach, Pompeii's lingering camera gaze practically begs anyone watching with eyes to say, "wow, that dude really worked out for this movie."

Low Points
It seems like there should be an edict against casting Jared Harris and Carrie-Anne Moss and not giving either anything interesting to do

Lessons Learned
It is shockingly possible to pick a lock with a splinter while chained to a carriage going at least 35 MPH

A man who cries is a man who cannot haggle

Ravenousing (i.e., acting dead when mistakenly tossed in a giant pile of corpses and waiting hours to emerge) is a time honored tactic for surviving massacres

Rent/Bury/Buy
Look, Pompeii isn't a good film, but it's fun and knows exactly what its audience wants. The DVD includes a bevvy of deleted scenes, so a cheap or rented copy won't bore you too badly.

Plus, this:

More Revealing, More Silent, More Hill

Michael J. Bassett’s Deathwatch was a fresh and frightening entry into the horror genre, so it was great news to hear this British writer/director would be handling the second installment of the potential-filled Silent Hill franchise.

Quick Plot: When last we met the Da Silvas, mother Rose and daughter Sharon  were trapped in some sort of Nether-reality that separated them from dad Ned Stark—er, Sean Bean’s Henry. 

At the start of Revelations, Sharon is now an 18-year-old blond renamed Heather living a nomadic existence with a non-Nether-separated Henry and the belief that she lost her memory and mother in a car accident. The pair rarely stay in one town long because, as far as ‘Heather’ knows, her dad is on the run from the law due to a self-defense murder. It doesn’t explain the increasingly surreal nightmares-dripping-into-daily-life-visions she has, but Heather seems well-adjusted enough for a surly teen.

On her first day at a new school, Heather catches the eye of another new kid/Game of Thrones refugee named Vincent (aka You Know Nothing Jon Snow) who quickly becomes her ally after a private detective tracks her down and gets murdered by a monster-woman-thing at a shopping mall. Heather and Vincent return home to find her dad gone and a blood-written invitation on the wall calling her back to the place of her nightmares, Silent Hill.

After that, it’s all cotton-tailed bunnies and bulldog puppies of course!

Or horrifically mutilated corpses, murderous religious zealots, stabbers wielding knives bigger than Shaquille O’Neal's idea of an oversized novelty item, and Malcolm McDowell.

I appreciated Christophe Gans’ Silent Hill for being something significantly different from the standard studio horror film you’d find in a major release. As someone who’s never played the video game (Super Nintendo’s top left and right buttons were where I drew the line, thank you very much), I didn’t necessarily have a preexisting attachment to the world, making some of the fuzzier touches rather confusing. Though it apparently is bursting with easter eggs for loyal gamers, Revelations is also much more appealing to newbies like me because it doesn’t necessarily feel as though it’s trying to replicate the PlayStation experience.

This is not to say that Revelations makes total sense, but unlike its more style-over-substance predecessor, the film adheres to a simpler, more straightforward narrative that the atmosphere effectively supports. We primarily follow Adelaide Clemens’ Heather/Sharon on a sort of Alice-In-Wonderhell trip of Silent Hill, and because the narrative is fairly simple (girl find dad), most of Revelations moves at a much better pace. 

Not that I wasn't baffled again as to what was actually happening once Heather/Sharon reached the final reel. There’s a muddled confrontation with goth girl other half Alessa that translates extremely poorly from 3D to standard def, followed by a cooler, if MORE confusing showdown with the real villain who never really feels that important. 

Could I poke holes in most ends of this movie? Certainly. But can I find a gigantic Shelob-style spider composed of human limbs and mannequin heads in just any big screen genre release? I WISH!

Silent Hill: Revelations is a messy film. But dagnabbit, I had a pretty great time watching it. It’s easy to be lazy when working with surrealism, and Bassett keeps the reins tight to deliver an effective ride. This isn’t game-changing horror, but in the realm of wide release studio horror, it’s a big win.

High Points

In what’s essentially a cameo, Malcolm McDowell brings full energy and wackiness to his role

I mean, SCENE OF TENSION INVOLVING ROBOTICALLY MOVING BLIND NURSE MONSTERS STABBING AWAY AT WHATEVER MAKES A SOUND. That’s some groovy stuff

Low Points

I know 3D sounds like a great idea when you’re marketing a big screen release and can bank on that higher ticket price, but please, filmmakers, please remember that eventually, those effects are going to be seen on a good old fashioned television screen. It’d be nice if they didn’t look terrible

Lessons Learned

When filmed in close-up, even a Pop-Tart can be frightening

People from mystical orders in netherworlds have trouble deciding what type of accent to use

Fitting in at a new school can be tough, but fitting in when a lot of your day is spent seeing images of no-faced Jacob’s Ladder refugees following your every move can be REALLY tough

Sometimes, everybody needs some Pyramid Head to help them out of a jam

Bean There, Done That
SPOILER FOR THE OPENING SCENE OF THE MOVIE: You have to admire the film's wink to kill off (dream sequence style) Sean Bean within five minutes of starting. It's almost as if someone pointed out that no matter what, the audience was going to be counting the minutes until the inevitable, so why not just give it them immediately so they could check it off their list and watch without distraction

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was very pleasantly surprised by Silent Hill: Revelations. While I appreciated the first film’s ‘otherness’ and dedication to NOT being another slasher or messy action-riddled video game adaptation, the gooey pace and lack of any strict focus made it something of a slog. Revelations is a much tighter film filled with neat visual touches and an incredibly unique soundtrack that actually works WITH, not FOR the action (unlike the majority of modern horror films that believe a crescendo equals a scare). Now on Instant Watch, it's well worth a visit.