My Bloody Gaekkebrev

Abandoned mines! Ouja warnings! Zombie attacks! Funny accents!

Eh, we’ll leave the intro right there.

Quick Plot: A nineteenth century pre-credits flashback tells the tale of Andries Martiens, a child killer with a thing for heads-on-stakes. 

It’s pointy.

Flash forward to the present day, where a young woman named Kristel wants to take time off from school against the wishes of her historian father. After partying with her not great, not awful friends, Kristel gets a ride home with dad only to end up in a fiery collision that kills him. Survivors guilt is on its way.

To close down some business, Kristel teams up with her okay enough pals for a road trip to a Belgian mine, home to her late father’s final manuscript. What begins as something I would consider an awesome after hours haunted tour (there’s a cheap animatronic and EVERYTHING) turns into disaster when the gang,  plus enthusiastic tour leader are stuck underground with the saucy spirit of a 200 year old murderer who can possess dead or dying bodies with zombie-like urgency.

Having based what I knew about Slaughter Night simply on the quick recommendation of my Girls On Film cohostess Cristina and Netflix’s basic description, I was expecting a breezy slasher about pretty Europeans getting face axed, something along the lines of the good, if rote Cold Prey. I *kind of* got that, but Slaughter Night actually offers a lot more. The backstory of the killer is fairly gruesome, and setting the film in a My Bloody Valentine-esque mine (complete with the danger of methane explosions) offers plenty of natural potential. More neatly, the fact that instead of one big lug wielding sharp objects on our young pretty heroes is replaced by the victims rising with glowing eyes and bitey teeth...now that’s new.

High Points

Much like the aforementioned Norwegian Cold Prey, Slaughter Night utilizes excellent gore effects, making head rip-offs wet, juicy, gross, and realistic. Not that I’ve ever SEEN one, but I have my ideas

Low Points

While the teens of Slaughter Night are certainly an improvement over the last few young people in peril films viewed here, they still don’t really register as anything overly special to root for, especially when the seemingly endless supply of blond boys never seems to dwindle

Lessons Learned

Spirits are lousy at spelling

Nothing like popping a pill down a mine!

Having an adverse effect to drugs is never fun, but having an adverse effect to drugs when trapped in a haunted mine is a sure way to kill your buzz

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was more than pleasantly pleased by Slaughter Night, an excellently made slasher with a clever and well-executed zombie twist. The film won’t change your life, but it’s a great way to kill 90 brutal minutes with some great jumps and even better gore. 

Cold Film Club Prey

I feel an itch. More like a burn. And no, I’m not leading into a cowbell joke. 

It’s my not-so-secret society ring sending an alert! Stacie Ponder’s Final Girl Film Club is back in session, and today’s movie to be reviewed by myself and a whole lot of other bloggers is the Norwegian horror, Cold Prey.

Quick Plot: Two couples and a fifth wheel drive up a mountain to the middle of Norwegian nowhere to do some free-spirited snowboarding because of course, nothing bad has ever come from avoiding the tourist hubs and exploring the frozen wilderness on your own. 

Right?

Within two minutes, the single Morten breaks his leg. A token ‘no cell service’ shot leads the gang to settle in for the night at an abandoned inn filled with aging booze and, whaddya know, lots of bloody secrets.

We’ve got an axe monster! Or more specifically, a very tall man who slices through any Hansel or Gretel that dares to sip his whisky. The kids--I think, though one couple discusses moving in together while the other features a high schoolish virgin, making me completely confused whether they’re 15 or 25--are quickly separated and hunted down in typical but sufficiently gory ways.

There’s virtually nothing original about Cold Prey, something you may notice from my lack of energy in this review. Excuse me while I take some speed Twizzler Nibs.

Back. Great. Energy kick has KICKED and so the killer is kind of scary but we don’t know who he is until the end so it’s hard to know or care and I liked the winter setting because it felt very cold but so did Dead Snow and that one had Nazi zombies and twists and this one had no Nazi zombies or twists but very proficient gore and it looked quite good but was I in the mood for something more? I think I just rhymed but let’s not dwell on that so instead to figure out what I wanted I’d have to go back in time and check that and Nibs don’t have a time machine flavor but if they did that would be AMAZING but then every movie would probably be amazing and how could I still write reviews if all I could say was THIS WAS AMAZING BUT THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BECAUSE I WAS HIGH ON NIBS.

Crash. What’d I say?

Cold Prey. Good. Nibs. Even better.

High Points

Final girl Jannicke (Ingrid Bols ‘oh with a cross through it’ Berdal) totally sells the last half of the film by being strong and smart enough to keep her friends alive as long as possible (SPOILER ALERT: it’s not very long) 

Low Points

Oh Netflix, on top of nearly doubling my rates, do you have to put dubbed versions of good films on Instant Watch? Do you know how distracting it is to hear overly American accents using names like Ingunn and Mikal?

Lessons Learned, Norway Edition

1 out of 4 Norwegians spend Easter in the mountains (according to statistics)

In Norwegian, “This is going to hurt a little” translates as “This will cause searing pain that will make you wish you were dead”

Superglue is to Norway what maple syrup is to Canada

Rent/Bury/Buy

Cold Prey is a more than competent winter slash ‘em up. It offers just about nothing new, but what it does it does quite well. As an instant watch, it’s perfect for a night when you want a slick, fast-moving horror that won’t hurt your brain. I personally don’t see a buy being necessary, since there are plenty other films out there that would give you the same exact results should you have an urge for good hunts, but hey, I’m not telling you what to do.

Oh wait, yes I am: head over to Final Girl to read a roundup of other Cold Prey reviews. That my friends, is an order.