Showing posts with label the forest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the forest. Show all posts

Monday, July 18, 2022

Sister Sister


I keep rooting for Natalie Dormer to find that next big project that serves her talents. In Darkness certainly wasn't it, and while I liked the Picnic At Hanging Rock miniseries more than most, it seemed to have faded from memory. So how about that thing all young attractive actresses do after their first big project? Lead a PG13 studio-produced horror film! SURELY that'll do it?

Quick Plot: Sara feels a disturbance in the force which can only mean one thing: her twin sister Jess is in danger. Without hesitation, Sara flies to Tokyo where Jess was teaching ESL, much to the chagrin of her boyfriend who's seen this pattern before. 

See, Jess has grown up with some demons. When they were eight, the girls' father shot their mother and then himself as they watched a movie with their grandmother in the next room. Jess was the first one to the scene of the crime and saw their bodies, while Sara looked away. Twenty or so years later, the idea that Jess might have ventured into the infamous Aokigahara Forest to die by suicide isn't hard to fathom. 



But Sara is convinced that her sister is still alive, primarily because she knows she would feel it in her body if she was wrong. She catches the eye of travel writer and fellow American Aiden at her hostel bar and convinces him to take her into the woods with his local guide Michi. 


Ignoring the warnings of every single local she's met about the yurei that haunt the woods and disorient travelers with hallucinations, Sara goes deep. When she finds Jess's tent, she insists on spending the night. Aiden reluctantly does the same. 



Things do not go well.

Let's address the biggest criticism about The Forest first: this is one of those films that probably shouldn't exist in its actual form. Aokigahara Forest is a real place that witnesses dozens of deaths by suicides every year. Producer David Goyer (an association that always gives me pause) apparently conceived the story when he learned about this on Wikipedia (and yes: I got that information from Wikipedia) and couldn't believe no one had made a movie about it. Naturally, he assembled a very western team to do so. 



It's one thing to put Americans (or Brits playing Americans) in Asian stories. The  remake of The Grudge does so to smart effect. But The Forest can't seem to resist pointing out cultural differences without feeling, well, racist. We're two decades into the 21st century, yet The Forest needs to make a dumb "sushi is GROSS" joke? 

Putting some of that aside, The Forest isn't a total abuse of time. Director Jason Zarda shows some good instincts with a few surprisingly effective jump scares. He builds tension well, though the film's overuse of dream sequence reveals becomes tiring. By the time horrors are actually happening, it's hard to actually care. 


High Points
Natalie Dormer isn't doing anything overly special here, but she remains an intriguing presence that makes Sara--someone who's actually pretty terrible--still hold our sympathy



Low Points
I know it was 2016, but weren't we already past the point of American J-horror hybrids relying on grainy quick shot CGI ghost faces being utilized as a film's major scare?



Lessons Learned
Water flows down, not up

If you ever have trouble telling identical twins apart, remember this simple rule: the troubled one has black hair


Violence followed by gunshots followed by silence is generally a scene that you should approach with caution and more specifically, not with the presence of sensitive children

Rent/Bury/Buy
Meh. The Forest is a slightly better movie than its dismal critical consensus would have you to believe, but it still feels like it just never gets to be the movie it could have. Also, you know, it's pretty icky. So have at it on Netflix if that sounds appealing!

Monday, October 10, 2016

Into the Woods


While Netflix Instant Watch’s selection of horror films seems to focus on newer releases, Amazon Prime has a mix of no-budget newbies and, well, fairly terrible no-budget older-ies from the late ‘70s and early ‘80s. Following The Boogey Man, it seemed more than fitting to tackle 1982’s similarly cheaply made, non-remembered backwoods horror The Forest.

Quick Plot: A pair of hikers are brutally slaughtered on your average sunny day. Unrelated--FOR NOW--in the civilized part of traffic-congested town, pals named Steve and Charlie decide to go camping to get away from the hustle and bustle of society. Their respective wives, Sharon and Teddi, go all “women can do ANYTHING! even if we happen to be idiots” on them and take their own trip a day earlier. 


FEMINISM, amiright?

Naturally, the ladies learn that camping is HARD. Like, just LOOKING at the stakes you have to use to set up a tent makes the soundtrack do a “wha wha whaaaaa” tuba cue to make sure we get the gist. 


If they were ill-prepared to manage their equipment, you can imagine their skills when it comes to warding off a homicidal mountain cannibal. A pair of echo-voiced children offer some assistance, as their husbands trail behind and squabble in their own elegant way.


Written and directed by Don Jones, The Forest is a pretty terrible little movie. The pacing is bizarre, the characters are bland, and the actual tension is about as tight as the tent the women can’t figure out. And yet...

Look: I, like many a blogger, am a Generation MilleXial weaned on a decade of feeling like the smartest person in school for watching Mystery Science Theater 3000. As a result, I love--nay, ADORE--watching movies like The Forest. Never is this more true than when we learn what drove our murderous cannibal to his ways.


In the most atmosphere-free flashback of all time, we meet our cannibal killer’s former wife, a woman who constantly slept with every mechanic, salesman, and census taker that dared to ring her doorbell while her impotent husband was at work. When our soon-to-be cannibal killer discovers this, he first reacts with apathy, leaving the serviceman to exit the bedroom AND THEN GO AND TRY TO FIX THE HOUSE’S HEATING UNIT. 


That in itself sort of made the movie for me. Because I am simple like that. 

High Points
Any movie--particularly one made in the 1980s--that includes an earnest original title song crooned out with pain will earn some bonus points

Low Points
Aside from the characters being bland and horrid and the action being silly and non-involving, nothing

Lessons Learned
The woods are filled with bears and rapists

Splitting up is usually not a good idea--bonus points for this being spoken by an actual character (who of course, immediately then proceeds to split up)


Never bring a broken bicycle to a pitchfork fight


Deer is always in season when you’re hungry


Wet dirt is occasionally called “mud”

The Winning Line:
“Are you crazy?”
“OF COURSE I AM!” says the man who killed his wife, moved his kids to the woods, and has been eating human beings for the last few years


Rent/Bury/Buy
The Forest isn’t good. That doesn’t mean I don’t recommend it. If you want something of a certain cheese quotient from this time period, you can do worse. 



A ringing endorsement if there ever was one!