In case you hadn’t guess from the peppermint scented sewage dripping out of the Doll’s House, I’ve been devoting the month Christmas horror movies that have by some miracle on 34th street completely evaded my eyes in past years. It hasn’t been easy (why Santa Claws , why?) but the randomly wrapped diamonds in the rough (may your days be merry and bright Harry Stadling ) and the festive support of you dear readers has made it worthwhile.
And then I watch something like Feeders and its sequel, Feeders 2: Slay Bells, and wonder just exactly what is wrong with me and the world I live in.
Quick Plot:
We’ll start with Feeders, a 1996 shot-on-video alien invasion film about two friends who go hiking in the wilds of Pennsylvania and encounter paper mache Martians. Before this happens, we’re subject to lots of driving and a vaguely Peanuts-esque musical score to guide our way. The characters are played by co-directors Jon McBride and John Polonia, and I suppose the nicest thing I can say is that they’re equally good at performing as they are at making movies.
No, that’s not a compliment at all, because Feeders is insanely awful.
The guys hike. At a gas stop, Polonia’s Bennett arranges dates with a pair of single ladies who make your average school lunchlady look like Charlize Theron, much to the chagrin of the nature loving Derek (McBride), who’d rather take photos with what resembles a secret water squirting prop camera. You can’t really blame him.
At some point, the synthesizer hits pause to let in the growls of angry puppies, aka our main villains. Blood is spilled. Derek must make a fateful decision. Polonia gets to play possessed. The credits roll and we breathe a pained sight of relief.
Rather than flush the DVD down the toilet like the filmmakers did 68 minutes earlier with my spirit, masochists like me then return to the menu for the long awaited (by those nearing suicide but in need of an extra push) sequel from 1998.
Feeders 2: Slay Bells takes the petite carnivores into the holiday season as they stalk an unattractive and unlikable family bearing a creepy resemblance to Billy Pilgrim’s wife and kids in the film adaptation of Slaughterhouse Five. The aliens have received something of a makeover, looking a little slimmer, smaller headed, and much grayer. I’m fairly certain there’s a very rational explanation for this, such as the props were stored in a damp closet and this is simply what they look like water damaged.
Anyway, Dad’s churning out a Bob Cratchit like existence and Mom’s honing her parenting skills by making her cute kids abandon imagination-enhancing games of make believe to sit in front of the TV and watch public domain cartoons. After what seems like eternity in a vacuum, the arts & crafts aliens break into the heavily decorated home and...growl. Dad investigates. We get randomly placed interviews with “special guest star” Jon McBride, reprising his role in Feeders by recounting exactly what happened in that complex and riveting film. Santa Claus shows up to conquer the Martians and, by default, prove that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is nowhere near the worst film ever made when this production company has at least 20 more to choose from.
I try not to allow myself to fully hate any independent do-it-yourself movie because filmmaking on a nonexistent budget is a challenge only the bravely dedicated can possibly complete. I’ll give my token congratulations to McBride and the Polonia Bros. (total twin power who directed Slay Bells), but I’ll also confidently proclaim these movies to be, without question, an experience less pleasant than watching a retirement home’s theatrical adaptation of Showgirls.
High Points
The DVD extras show that the filmmakers had enthusiasm. So, you know...good for them
Low Points
See review
Lessons Learned
If you want to make an audience truly uncomfortable, be sure to feature extreme closeups of unattractive actors in your film
Puppets do not require mouths to chew through human flesh
When your only special effect is to insert the time of day in bold print at the bottom of a shot, you might as well utilize it as often as possible.
Violently aggressive aliens are coming to earth for the sole purpose of stalking a single lower middle class family
“It was too surreal to be a dream. but too unreal to be believable.”
This is actually kind of tragic, as it reveals the writers aren’t even creative in their dreams.
Rent/Bury/Buy
No. Just no. For the love of all lovably bad cinema that actually deserves a watch (Don’t Open Til Christmas never looked so good), avoid this movie or use the DVD for something far more productive, like making a disco beret for your cat.
*DVD pictured is not from Netflix, as no matter how much I want to spare others from the Feeders fate, I could still never bring myself to destroy a film. Nope. That’s just my overly scratched and now unwatchable copy of Love Actually.
Yes, believe it or not, I do occasionally watch Christmas films that have an IMDB rating of greater than 2.
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