The Boy Next Door

Allow me a hipster moment, if you will:

I liked her first.

Yes, I'm referring to Academy Award winner/box office champ/soundbite extraordinaire Jennifer Lawrence, whose talents I've been praising since a little indie called Winter's Bone got thrown into the discussion of films that should be, but never would be, nominated for an Oscar. Now everyone and their grandmother has something positive to say about the girl who would be Katniss Everdeen, allowing me a certain warranted measure of I Told You So henceforth.

Anyhoo, House At the End of the Street:

That's its roof. At the end of the street.

Quick Plot: After about 10 minutes of animated logos from different studios, we're introduced to a prologue wherein a young girl named Carrie-Anne slaughters her parents. Four years later, a very blond mother/daughter pair move in to a house at the other end of the street on which said murder took place, forever driving the property value down and making a lot of white suburbanites angry.

Elyssa (Lawrence) is a rocker teen with an attraction to project boys. With her long necklaces and raccoon eye shadow, Lawrence is like the strangely displaced niece of her 2012 best actress competition Jessica Chastain in Mama. Where the latter had to deal with two flaxen-haired feral children with an unhealthy attachment to a mysterious mother figure, Lawrence's Elyssa gets saddled with a single dreamy flaxen-haired loner harboring an unhealthy attachment to a mysterious sister figure.

Coincidence, or SOMETHING MORE?

Eh, probably the first one, especially since House At the End of the Street is way more fun to pair up with Sleepaway Camp than Mama. I'm not quite spoiling anything here, but trust me: director Mark Tonderai might have spent a few summers at Camp Arawak before finishing his film.

House At the End of the Street was ravaged by critics and horror fans when it debuted in the dreaded wasteland of January releases. Look, I'm not saying it's good--because seriously, it's not--but for whatever reason, I ended up having way more fun than I expected with it. Maybe it was the way Oscar winner Lawrence coyly delivered the line "I'll be right back" (yup, that happens) or how Elisabeth Shue rotates between cool mom, overprotective mom, and hot mess wino mom all within one awkward dinner party scene. By the time Gil Bellows sauntered into a dangerous situation with a foreshadowingly damaged flashlight, I simply couldn't be angry.

Theatrical horror is a constant source of controversy among the dedicated fanbase. Passionate moviegoers like to hurl guilt-loaded insults at people who pay money for dreck and bypass what they perceive to be quality. In theory, I understand this, but when this situation usually turns into "People paid to see Paranormal Activity 3 but didn't support Hatchet II. THEY'RE NOT REAL FANS!", I take offense.

Personally, I kind of hated Hatchet II, and definitely hated being told that I wasn't a true horror fan for not heading down to my AMC theater to show that I wanted more Unrated horror in the world. As I've said before, (in audio form even!), the horror genre will always exist in its true glory in the realm of home media. From the VHS days of the '80s to VOD of today, the modern cinematic audience does not need bucket seats stained with popcorn oil to appreciate or support a film. Let the teenagers spend their allowance on House At the End of the Street. Their decision does not mean I won't get the pleasure of cozying up with my cats to watch The House Of the Devil from the comfort of my own couch.

That was a minor tangent, but probably more thought-out than the plot of House At the End of the Street. 

High Points

I think the oddly timed reveal of the film's first big 'twist' was part of the attacks lodged at this movie, but I kind of liked how House At the End of the Street showed its hand earlier than expected. It threw me off, whether intended or unintended, and in the world of lazy theatrical PG-13 horror, any surprise is a good one

Low Points

During the big finale, there's a genuine shock in terms of a lead character being fatally injured. Then the movie remembers it's aimed at a mass market and 'fatally injured' turns into 'mild flesh wound'

Lessons Learned

Just cause someone's a wasted slut in high school doesn't mean her daughter will be too

Double murders are somewhat of a drag on the real estate market

There are probably easier ways to keep an older boy from dating your daughter than to invite said older boy over for what's supposed to be a pleasant dinner party then suck down an entire bottle of red wine and slobber into an awkward fight with your teen. Easier, but none as entertaining...

Look! It's...

Ally MacBeal's lost love/Goblin's earnest dad Gil Bellows in the role of the Dumbest Policeman Since Those Germans In The Human Centipede

Pet Peeve of the Week

As a test, I spent about 5 minutes this morning removing a knife from its holder to see if it was humanly (or Emily) possible to achieve that oh-so-iconic "SLICE!" sound. Guess what? KNIVES DON'T MAKE NOISE WHEN REMOVED FROM HOLDERS. If you could tell that to EVERY FILMMAKER EVER, I'd be very grateful

Rent/Bury/Buy

Well, I streamed House At the End of the Street on my way to and from work one day, and dangit, I couldn't help but be amused. This is NOT good. Really. It's PG-13 horror with a few sprinkles of 'What the F-Word Used Non-Sexually Since We're PG-13?" It reveals its twist before it even built doubt as to where it was going. And yet, I found myself far less angry than I was watching the more ambitious (in theory) Silent House and to an extent, the constantly shooting-itself-in-its-CGI-foot Mama. Don't watch it expecting anything of quality. But for a mindless 'really?' kind of viewing, one could do worse.

I Liked The Hunger Games. Wanna Fight About It?

According to the rules, there can only be one winner, but that doesn't mean we can't have multiple pieces of film and literature following sadistic reality television programs that pit civilian against civilian in hand-to-hand combat to the death. As The Hunger Games feasts its way through box office records, I'm noticing an irksome fanboy retaliation against a franchise-in-the-making, as if Suzanne Collins were Stephanie Meyers' pedicure buddy. I found Gary Ross's film to be thoroughly enjoyable and when placed in the larger context of its audience, extremely refreshing.

Stop looking at me like that! I saw The Running Man in the theaters when I was FIVE YEARS OLD! I was hyping Series 7: The Contenders before Jeff Probst hosted VH1’s Music Jeopardy. I have watched, read, written about, and invented games for my current ninth favorite film of all time, Battle Royale. In no way does The Hunger Games come close to nipping at its schoolgirl kneesocks.

But for those of you who don't know, I'm something of a cockeyed optimist when it comes to movies. I don't like hating things, and not just because I was raised to not use the word 'hate' at home (we replaced it with loath, which is actually stronger but sounds more elegant). I want to believe in the future of cinema, I want to know that there are original artists out there with brilliance in their path, and heck, even that the occasional unnecessary remake can be handled with cleverness, originality, and understanding. 

Wait, what does that have to do with The Hunger Games again?

Right, genre fanboy snobbery. It’s so negative.

Look folks, The Hunger Games ain’t Battle Royale. It’s a PG-13 rated (but harsh one at that) adaptation of a juggernaut young adult novel primarily aimed at females in the eighth grade. 

And you know what? I think that’s awesome. I think it’s positively spectacular that the most popular teen literature of the day is a dark ride into a terrifying, morbidly fascinating future featuring a powerful female lead. The movie isn’t without its flaws (hey Woody, hope you have enough minutes left on your bill to phone that performance in), but I can think of at least 7 reasons why I rather dug it:

  

1. Further evidence that one should never eff with Isabelle Fuhrman

Don’t you wonder how Jodelle Ferland feels about that OTHER brunette child actress-turned-teen who specializes in playing sociopaths...and playing them better. I dare anyone to pit the blander than rice cakes Case 39 against the trashtacular Orphan. Come now, that’s like betting on the wimpy curly haired kid over the brute from District 1! Or, I don’t know, Ferland’s supporting vampire in Twilight 3 to Fuhrman’s KNIFE THROWING BADASS Clove in The Hunger Games. 

And before you say it, yes, I was happy to see the young Ferland get some decent work in Cabin In the Woods. But it’s rare that I could watch a 15-year-old girl HURL KNIVES and believe it. You can be my cat’s laser pointer that I will never piss off Isabelle Fuhrman. 

2. Not the genetically manipulated bees!

True, The Hunger Games has nothing on Battle Royale’s machetes, axes, crossbows, uzis, or pocket knife deaths but you know what it DOES have? Killer bee thingies. That's groovy, right?

3. Slaughter in 17 seconds

Let me explain something to you: I find the idea of hand-to-hand combat-to-the-death incredibly disturbing. Part of it is my own lack of coordinative abilities, and the rest stems from the simple truth that stabbing or choking a person a person two inches from my own face is simply horrifying on the very most primal of levels. That in itself is probably why these kinds of desperation murder stories make me so uncomfortable. As those pedestal pods rise up for the arena’s opening ceremonies, the threat becomes real: these children are going to have to kill each other with whatever tools are at hand, most of which are muscles or knives. Sure, we don’t SEE much in the PG-13 rating, but implied horror is there, particularly when we get quick glances at scrawny 12-year-olds before never seeing them again...

Because Orphan has knifed them to death.

4. It will forever make Project Runway Innovation Challenges way more intense

Sure, Heidi Klum's fashion-obsessed, quip-forcing slaves have been forced to create beautiful clothing out of garbage, candy, and car parts, but even setting aside the recent all-star blacklight challenge, none of the Project Runway contestants have come close to putting live fire on their scrawny model cutlets. Now that Katniss and Peeta blazed that trail (hehe, pun!), how can future contestants with artificial names and distracting jewelry DARE to play it safe?

5. The Future 1% In Fluorescent

I’m not about to fumble through a political interpretation of the universe created by author Suzanne Collins. I’ll leave that to high school English teachers who should be excited to get their students’ hands on a decently written book that they’ll actually WANT to read. 

Collins and Ross’ universe isn’t the most imaginative place created in literature. It’s a 1984 inspired society that bares a reference to The Lottery, Survivor, The Long Walk, and plenty other sources. But hey: it’s well-crafted and relevant, no matter how simple it is. More importantly, it means we get fashion like this:

So quitcher complaining

6. Best. Facial Hair. Ever.

‘Nuff said

7. It’s not Twilight

What, was that a low blow? Please. Any parent who's been wondering why their daughter has taken to wearing a permanent flannel and fartface should consider the odds forever in their favor if said teen is now braiding her hair and taking up archery. As I've explained before and again, Twilight isn't just bad cinema: it's dangerous. In no way do I believe in the burning of books, but if a local brushfire just so happened to wander into Little, Brown and Company’s warehouse, the future of feminism might be grateful.

See, Katniss, as played exactly like Ree Dolly in the magnificent Winter's Bone by Jennifer Lawrence again, is an admirable heroine. She fights. She thinks. She takes care of herself and actually cares about others. Remember my favorite scene in Twilight 2, where Bella and Edward sauntered past a line of tourists about to be unknowingly devoured by Italian vampires? Bella looked mildlly concerned, but Edward's simple "Move on" had her seeing the sunlight while the audience caught a sample of screaming civilians. Yeah, that's someone to look up to.

One of the main reasons The Hunger Games has (forgive the pun) caught fire with a young audience is, I hope, because Katniss Everdeen is the kind of literary narrator young women want to be, like Nancy Drew, Scout Finch, Cathy Dollanger, Elphaba or a founding member of The Babysitter’s Club (with the exception of Mary Anne; grow a pair girl). In Collins' writing, Katniss is even funny and sarcastic, something that doesn't quite translate on film. I forgive that because, you know, girlfriend is fighting for her life from the likes of these people:

Look: The Hunger Games isn't perfect. It's not necessarily ground-breaking. And yes, it's now become as mainstream as Bella Swan moaning about not being understood. But just because something is popular does not mean that it's not good, or entertaining, or simply much smarter and scarier than legions of pessimists want you to believe. 


Now if you'll excuse me, I have this Pavlovian condition that requires I pop in my Running Man Blu Ray anytime the title comes up in conversation. I'll be back.