Still Not as Scary As a Caterpillar...

I hesitated in reviewing The Human Centipede, since just about every blogger and his or her sock has had a go at the year’s most talked about underground film. Even though I actually forked over a full $6.95 for the On Demand viewing, I almost felt like there was no need to say anything about a movie in which everything has already been said about it. 

Then I found this:

the most incredible cat toy of all time, courtesy of OhBoyCatToy via Etsy (direct link here ) and realized if I can't afford to give Mookie Wilson and Joplin Zelda Rubinstein Intravia a proper kitty toy, I at least had to acknowledge where I stood on the film that inspired it.


That's right. Consider this the first and in all probability last post every directly written in honor of a creatively sealed catnip.

Rather than crawl through a plot synopsis of a movie that everyone already knows the plot to, I figured I’d just address a few of the complaints lodged against Tom Six’s film.

1. The Gore Issue

Apparently, that 2-Girls-1-Cup video awakened a hunger the mass public never knew they had for coprophagia. Personally, I’m somewhat grateful Six left so much to our sick little imaginations. The dinnertime digestive sequence managed to make me laugh and cringe; had I actually been watching the process, I’d probably be too distracted constantly reminding myself that all I was seeing was Hershey’s syrup and marmalade (aka, How I Survived Salo).

2. The Girls Are Awful

I know! I hate them too! They represent every dumb chick you’ve climbed over in a bar bathroom as she slouches over her giggling friend and nonsensically slurs on about how some ugly bitch looked at her boyfriend the wrong way but oh my god! Her shoes are so cute! (In case you can’t tell, these types of women are not my friends.) Every word out of their mouths makes you want to punch them in the face or, more fittingly, tie said mouths to the anus of someone else. They can’t even escape or kill themselves the right way. It’s almost adorable.

3. Nothing Happens

...except for the fact that people are sewn together. I agree the plot is the gimmick, but had everyone and their former conjoined twin not been reading the Internet, wouldn’t we still be surprised by that alone? 

I don’t have much more to say about The Human Centipede, save for the fact that it was amusing, disgusting, and more than a little ridiculous. I loved Dieter Laser’s kooky performance as Dr. Heiter and loved even more how his hardened face resembled a creepy cross between Lance Henrikson, Udo Kier, and maybe just a teaspoon of Jeremy Irons. 

I found myself surprisingly affected by one character’s (let’s call him “A”) rather shocking decision and pretty darn grossed out by another (we’ll call her “C”)’s fate. I recommend this in the same way I’d recommend trying the chocolate mashed potato cupcake I tasted at a food festival on my recent vacation. It’s not really good and I’ll probably never return to it again, but wouldn’t my life be a smidgen empty had I not just went through with it?

Damnit. Why oh why did I bring up the combination of chocolate and mashed potatoes while still thinking about people’s mouths being tied to other people’s anuses? Consider that the most important Lesson Learned ever.