Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Still Not as Scary As a Caterpillar...

I hesitated in reviewing The Human Centipede, since just about every blogger and his or her sock has had a go at the year’s most talked about underground film. Even though I actually forked over a full $6.95 for the On Demand viewing, I almost felt like there was no need to say anything about a movie in which everything has already been said about it. 


Then I found this:
the most incredible cat toy of all time, courtesy of OhBoyCatToy via Etsy (direct link here ) and realized if I can't afford to give Mookie Wilson and Joplin Zelda Rubinstein Intravia a proper kitty toy, I at least had to acknowledge where I stood on the film that inspired it.


That's right. Consider this the first and in all probability last post every directly written in honor of a creatively sealed catnip.
Rather than crawl through a plot synopsis of a movie that everyone already knows the plot to, I figured I’d just address a few of the complaints lodged against Tom Six’s film.
1. The Gore Issue

Apparently, that 2-Girls-1-Cup video awakened a hunger the mass public never knew they had for coprophagia. Personally, I’m somewhat grateful Six left so much to our sick little imaginations. The dinnertime digestive sequence managed to make me laugh and cringe; had I actually been watching the process, I’d probably be too distracted constantly reminding myself that all I was seeing was Hershey’s syrup and marmalade (aka, How I Survived Salo).
2. The Girls Are Awful

I know! I hate them too! They represent every dumb chick you’ve climbed over in a bar bathroom as she slouches over her giggling friend and nonsensically slurs on about how some ugly bitch looked at her boyfriend the wrong way but oh my god! Her shoes are so cute! (In case you can’t tell, these types of women are not my friends.) Every word out of their mouths makes you want to punch them in the face or, more fittingly, tie said mouths to the anus of someone else. They can’t even escape or kill themselves the right way. It’s almost adorable.
3. Nothing Happens

...except for the fact that people are sewn together. I agree the plot is the gimmick, but had everyone and their former conjoined twin not been reading the Internet, wouldn’t we still be surprised by that alone? 
I don’t have much more to say about The Human Centipede, save for the fact that it was amusing, disgusting, and more than a little ridiculous. I loved Dieter Laser’s kooky performance as Dr. Heiter and loved even more how his hardened face resembled a creepy cross between Lance Henrikson, Udo Kier, and maybe just a teaspoon of Jeremy Irons. 



I found myself surprisingly affected by one character’s (let’s call him “A”) rather shocking decision and pretty darn grossed out by another (we’ll call her “C”)’s fate. I recommend this in the same way I’d recommend trying the chocolate mashed potato cupcake I tasted at a food festival on my recent vacation. It’s not really good and I’ll probably never return to it again, but wouldn’t my life be a smidgen empty had I not just went through with it?

Damnit. Why oh why did I bring up the combination of chocolate and mashed potatoes while still thinking about people’s mouths being tied to other people’s anuses? Consider that the most important Lesson Learned ever.

11 comments:

  1. Man, if I wasn't so poor at the moment I'd snap that cat toy up in a jiffy! That's hilarious and genius!

    I haven't yet seen this movie, honestly the gross-out factor has delayed my viewing, but I'm sure I'll finally get up the courage to watch it at some point.

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  2. Most of the gross-out stuff is more implied than shown, which is hit or miss for most folks. On one hand, those with sensitive stomachs are spared the Salo-esque moments. On the other, your imagination does fill in a lot of blanks.

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  3. Dude, I think we wrote essentially the same review. I went to see this at IFC Center shortly after it opened, and I think I left pretty much feeling that I had outgrown it before it started. It's a just a childish little movie. You can find my actual review in the review archive of my site.

    I will say, though, that I disagree about Dieter Laser. He was too much for me, but I am in the minority on that, so maybe I'm all wrong.

    In any case, the cat toy is the best thing to come out of the movie.

    (p.s. I heart your blog.)

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  4. Great review! We totally agreed on wanting to see those skanks mouths sewn to anuses, that's for sure! I did enjoy Laser's performance, but I'm not always one for subtlety in my insane German doctors.

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  5. I appreciate your efforts and your writing AND I’ve passed along an award to you! Click the link to view your awesomeness. Thanks from ZforZombies.com.

    http://www.zforzombies.com/2010/07/you-are-marching-into-unknown-armed.html

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  6. I must have been living under a rock lately because I didn't hear of this film. Read up on it, laughing my anus off the entire time. Now what if the pedophile is also into coprophagia? Would it still be a punishment?
    Oh, how crap-tacular this film sounds >;)
    Dreaded Dreams
    Petunia Scareum

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  7. This is a fantastic review. I know it is not your favorite movie (and the line about the chocolate cupcake was great). But, everything you have noted makes me want to see this movie.

    "...Every word out of their mouths makes you want to punch them in the face or, more fittingly, tie said mouths to the anus of someone else"!!! Perfect!!

    JM

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  8. Thanks JM! As always, I encourage a viewing if it means I get to read the Tower Farm treatment. Please get on that.

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  9. Great post and great site! I want to see this movie so bad, hopefully I wont be disappointed.

    http://memoirsofascreamqueen.blogspot.com/

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  10. Thanks JennyB! I look forward to reading your thoughts about the movie on your blog when you finally get to see it!

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