Dream On

 

I'm a mark for pretty movies. Tropical islands with blue water and forest green trees and beautiful people in small amounts of clothing generally add up to something that doesn't even have to be good to be aesthetically enjoyable. 

A Perfect Getaway is obviously the gold standard for this, a twisty thriller stacked with a hot, talented cast in a postcard-ready setting. Few movies (in ANY genre) will ever top it, and based on all the horrible things I heard about Fantasy Island when it came out back in 2020, I was doubtful this would be one. But when on Hulu...

Quick Plot: After winning a contest, a batch of immediately awful strangers lands on the titular Fantasy Island. The concierge guides them to their luxury rooms and cocktail hour, whereupon the smooth Mr. Roarke appears to confirm the reason for their visit: the island will make their dream come true. 

Brothers JD and Brax start it off with a spring break-like pool party, while the more mature Gwen revisits her chance to accept her ex-boyfriend's marriage proposal. Melanie gets to enact extreme revenge on her middle school bully and Patrick gets to finally play soldier, the dream he's had since his father died heroically on duty. 

It's all fun and games until they all realize, at right the same moment, that the fantasies are indeed too real. 

Fantasy Island is directed by Jeff Wadlow, who also made the Lucy Hale-starring Truth or Dare (not to be confused with the other movie that told the exact same story with the same beats and was also titled Truth or Dare but did not contain a Pretty Little Liar). Here's what I had to say about that film back in my original watch:

The film was savaged by critics when it came out in theaters, but as a two-years-later Hulu watch, it's exactly the kind of hot-people-in-peril horror flick that I tend to enjoy.

And here we are again! 

Great cinema? No. Fully watchable? Absolutely! On Hulu, yes, that too.

Lucy Hale gets to be dynamically snarky. Ryan Hansen and Jimmy O. Yang create an adorably dumbly funny brotherly dynamic that works (at least for me). Michael Pena has fun as island master Mr. Roarke, and Maggie Q helps to lend a little humanity to the whole affair. There's even a Michael Rooker gone rogue subplot. Why did horror fans hate this?

Sure, there was some kerfuffle over the film's late decision to edit down for a PG13 rating, but honestly, there was really no need to go any harsher. Granted, as someone who has their own, I don't need to see what were apparently digital bikini top-covered breasts, nor did I find any of the violence (which ranges from grenade explosions to electrocution torture) lacking in the level of intensity required. 

This is knowingly dumb, high concept horror fluff that wants to have a good time and look good doing it. I was buying what it sold.

High Points

Many thought the big plot twist was stupid. I'm not saying they were wrong, but for me, it gave a fun boost to an already silly story and shuffled character dynamics around in a way that felt fresh

Low Points

Obviously, the fact that every other person who watched this movie hated it has SOME merit, and if Fantasy Island's goal was on a horror scale, then I can easily agree that there's nothing that comes close to being scary

Lessons Learned

According to dorks, LARPing is fun

Most fantasies are painfully unimaginative and involve lots of sex stuff

A hero's a guy who's too stupid to stay alive

Rent/Bury/Buy

I often find myself the lone defender of PG13 horror, so if I've sold you on these before and you found yourself disappointed, I can't say for certain this will be different. I found this an incredibly entertaining summer watch. The 8% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes suggests MOST wouldn't agree. Make of that what you will! I've never claimed to have good taste. 

Office Royale

For many a dull reason, I do not often go to the movie theater to see films on the big screen. Time is limited, the experience is usually frustrating (don't get me started on how I was ready to break out into my best Class of 1999 Pam Grier-as-a-badass-robot-authoritarian when people refused to sit in their assigned seats at the packed house for Get Out), and most films will end up streaming or available via a handy Netflix DVD pouch (yes, I still use those) within half a year. In the time it takes to get to a theater, sit through decades of trailers, and make the trip home, I probably could have watched two or three films, all without the squeaky seats, sticky floors, and constant internal debate of whether it's better to suffer in silence through chatty neighbors' rudeness or risk getting beaten up by teenagers in trying to make a stand.

That being said, when a genre film comes out that looks fresh and representative of where I'd like to see film trends go, I often feel the need to give it my support. When I first saw the trailer for the James Gunn-written, Greg McLean-directed The Belko Experiment, I vowed (possibly audibly like a rude teenager) that I would go see that in the theater. I've long whined about the lack of office-centered horror, and while the premise was obviously inspired by many a Battle Royale-esque tale, those are my absolute favorite of all the tales. This was the TYPE of movie I wanted to see being made, so any way I could help that continue to happen (i.e., with a $16.25 weeknight ticket, yes, that's what it's like in Manhattan and I'm crying, not you), it felt like my very duty.

Quick Plot: Welcome to Belko, Inc., a U.S. based corporation that specializes in bringing business to South America. We're introduced to the Bogota-based office and its various employees, a mix of expats that range everywhere from a stoner janitor (Sean Gunn) to the cool and collected maintenance manager (Michael Rooker, shockingly NOT trying to kill people) to a newcomer clocking in on her first day and of course, the boss, played with intense corporate confidence by the always welcome Tony Goldwyn. While the film makes a pointed effort to give us enough of an idea of the sprawling cast to be able to follow multiple characters, the lead is clearly John Gallagher's Mike, a pleasant and morally-minded middle manager who sort of embodies what Jim Halpert might do in case of...well...

If you've seen the trailers, you know the gist: on a typical workday, Belko's walls are sealed and a god-like voice on the intercom orders those locked inside to kill two employees within an hour. The penalties will be severe, and it doesn't take too many tracers implanted in the back of staff members' heads to figure out this is no practical joke. People will die. The question becomes, rather quickly, who?

In many ways, The Belko Experiment came custom-made for me. About a dozen years ago, when I first saw Battle Royale, I became mildly obsessed with applying the setup to every possible scenario I might encounter (and a few years later, wrote about it here). Bored on the subway? IMAGINE IF EVERYONE ON THIS CAR WAS SENT TO AN ISLAND AND WE HAD TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH. At the time, I was teaching ESL in Korea to elementary and middle school students. IMAGINE IF MY CLASSROOM WAS DROPPED ON AN ISLAND AND--you get the point. 

Naturally, when I started working in an office, the game continued. Those who might remember my eons-ago review of Office Killer might recall how disappointed I was to see the titular setting barely used. On any given day, there are about a dozen products in my reach from Staples that could kill me. WHY IS THIS AN UNTAPPED RESOURCE FOR HORROR?

While The Belko Experiment doesn't fully embrace the possibilities of death-by-paper cuts, it does have a little fun with some creative weaponry (that is indeed one hardcore tape dispenser). At the same time, it seems to hint at ideas that it just doesn't have the time to fully flesh out. As we're introduced to Belko, we learn a little about the hierarchy, meeting the CEO in his sprawling office only to then see managers in their more modest but still private glass rooms compared to the presumed entry level workers in crowded cubicles. The movie gets one great joke about this in there, but the actual social order doesn't ultimately seem important come the chaos. Perhaps that's a point in itself, and maybe I should be thankful that I'm not just witnessing another sleek adaptation of High-Rise, but like so much in a 90 minute high concept huge cast horror, it just feels like there could have been more.

Not that there isn't quite a bit. As the horrific reality of the situation hits each staff member, McLean intensifies things to pretty wacky levels. Goldwyn's alpha male takes charge, utilizing the bloodthirsty talents of the ultimate a$$hole character actor John C. McGinley as the kind of guy who has probably been waiting for permission to stab his coworkers since the day of his first interview. The moral divide between the hunters and the pacifists gets a little muddled, but the top-shelf actors help to sell their positions pretty well. 

High Points

I'm not sure if it's James Gunn's script, quality actors, or the simple truth that introducing characters by their jobs can help to establish who they are incredibly fast, but there's something very satisfying about how the character introductions lay out such a strong foundation for where these men and women will stand when the chaos begins. Take Brent Sexton's Vince, the affable HR manager whose instincts to keep everyone safe and calm fit perfectly with his position...for a while

Low Points

While I appreciated the waste-no-time pacing, the standard downside of what was lost in that time crunch is VERY felt in a lot of areas. Take, for example, a minor character who is introduced as a strict no-nonsense pencil pusher who drops a pile of reports on the newbie's desk and demands, in a terrifying German accent, that they're finished by lunchtime. Boy could I not wait to see how SHE handled the upcoming crisis. Unfortunately, (MINOR SPOILER FOR A MINOR CHARACTER WHO GETS A BAD HAIRCUT AND NO NAME), nothing comes of her introduction. Come the big sacrifice, she's lined up with 15 other extras and shot accordingly. It feels like quite a missed opportunity.

Lessons Learned

James Gunn loves few things more than an elevator muzak gag

Flirting with a good-looking coworker on your first day of work may not seem like the best career advice, but if your office is suddenly subjected to a cruel homicidal experiment, it may just be the thing that saves your life

Cubicles offer very little sound protection

Rent/Bury/Buy
I enjoyed The Belko Experiment more than I can say it was a good movie. Much like his Wolf Creek films, McLean has an unapologetic mean spirit in his work, relentless in how he punishes his characters. Normally, that's something of a turnoff for the fairly happy person I consider myself to be, but the grand premise of The Belko Experiment helps to mitigate some of the ickiness I might have felt watching nice-enough people being put through such hell. It's a movie with a great setup, fast pace, and some deathly black humor that connected for me. 

Cotton Candy Joe

Knowing that Casper Van Dien and Michael Rooker are top billed in a movie might very well be the best possible way to make me watch it. Van Dien, of course, because he’s the star of one of my all-time favorite films (of all time, and no, it ain’t The Dog Who Saved Christmas) and Michael Rooker because he might kill me if I don’t. Add the setting of Appalachia and I’m there before you can say Wrong Turn 2.

Quick Plot: An archeologist is gleefully examining his finds from a newly uncovered Indian burial ground. All is happy and nerdy until a skull-faced figure barges in to behead, de-arm, and axe his way through a batch of characters we will never see again, including a pair of soldiers with a video camera.

Okay, so I lied. We do ‘see’ the deceased soldier via his recording, a frantic message that was sent to a Delta Force headed by none other than Captain Leary (Michael Rooker). The oddly gender balanced team is sent to investigate with a terrifying lack of hair ties.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I simply cannot ever believe a female soldier would venture into the woods on a dangerous mission with her lusciously conditioned locks bouncing around. Can you imagine how much easier it is for a skeleton faced killer to grab said female by the mane? Or for a wild branch to slow her down? We won’t even mention how visibility is greatly impeded when SOMETHING IS BLOCKING YOUR FACE.

Rant over. Review resumed.

Leary’s soldiers eventually come upon a rather hilariously wigged Native American (with an ever so slight resemblance to Steve Carell) who details the story of the Skeleton Man, aka Cottonmouth Joe. Unlike his brother that sparked a catchy dance tune fit for sweet sixteen dance floors, Cottonmouth Joe was a warrior who slaughtered his own tribe and has since been reawakened by the nosy diggings of the late archaeologist. 

(About as PC as Michael Scott at a Thanksgiving pageant)

Suuuuuuure he is, thinks the hard-headed military. Though a few members seem to keep disappearing (including, gasp! Casper Van Dien as the bearded scout) there’s no REAL reason to think anything’s amiss, right?

Skeleton Man was made for the Sci-Fi Channel (yes kids, that’s what we geezers used to call it) and while there are no sharktopuses in sight, it certainly has the feel. This isn’t a horrible thing. As with most of those original films, the production values are more than decent and the ‘name’ actors dragged in seem to be happy enough to turn in passable performances in exchange for room service. The actual monster is cool in his kill methods (scalping!) but rather lame in design. Sure, a mashup of the Phantom of the Opera crossed with the Headless Horseman hunting in Predator territory is interesting, but that doesn’t mean a Halloween-style plastic skull mask is all you need to seal the deal.

Director Johnny Martin has a far longer resume as a stunt coordinator, but his most important credit comes from a little special something known to some as Killer Klowns From Outer Space and to others as One Of The Greatest Things To Ever Happen In My Lifetime. Martin played the famed Joe Lombardo, the first victim to be revealed swaddled in cotton candy. For that, he automatically gets a pass and hence, for that reason and a few others, I just didn’t hate Skeleton Man the way everyone else on the Internet seemed to.

High Points

Between spearings, bow and arrowings, tomahawk beheading and more, the kills are actually quite varied and fun

Low Points

A made-for-Sci-Fi-Channel film will indeed bare some token marks of itself, including, in this case, oddly chosen closeups, flashbacks performed by actors on their sixth hour of a five hour energy drink, and for no genuinely good reason, a random big ‘splosion.

Lessons Learned

When you only get thirty minutes of helicopter time for establishing shots, you will USE those minutes and CELEBRATE that waterfall footage

Rotten flesh smells rather like rotten fruit. Good to know (cleans fridge)

Being stalked kind of makes you feel special...don’t it?

Beans is good. Just heat ‘em up and they’re good to go*

*Ancient Iroquois wisdom 

Rent/Bury/Buy

Skeleton Man is a competent little horror movie that offers more gore than you’d expect from a TV-14 production. It’s perfectly fine for a background movie while you prepare dinner, clip your toenails, brush your cat, or alphabetize your DVD collection. To sit down and focus on it for 90 minutes is a little much to ask, but pop it on your streaming queue if you enjoy a modern B-movie. Or if you see Michael Rooker on the street because seriously, DO NOT mess with that dude.