Can You Dig It?

Do you, like me, often find yourself wondering why there aren't more sexy thrillers starring Beverly Hills 90210 stars set in the sandy, sweaty world of beach volleyball? I had this problem for YEARS until I found the wonderful podcast Married With Clickers, where a classic episode introduced me to the glory of 2008's Impact Point. 

Put on your sunscreen. We're serving it up. 

Quick Plot: Kelly Reyes is a big(ish) time beach volleyball star who opens the film by losing an important match to bitter rival Jen. The next day, Jen's partner dies in a hit and run, and with a big tournament on the horizon, she's forced to bring Kelly Reyes on as her new teammate. 

Before she embarks upon a new training regime under Jen's boyfriend and coach Matt (played by a baby-faced and mostly topless Joe Manganiello), Kelly Reyes meets Holden Gregg, a sports reporter eager to profile Kelly Reyes in more ways than one. 

After a night of drinks and no dinner, Holden Gregg takes Kelly Reyes back to his place for some fully clothed couch sex that doesn't seem to know where genital positioning. No worries!Holden Gregg and Kelly Reyes have a great time and schedule date #2. 

If you're wondering why I keep referring to Holden Gregg and Kelly Reyes by their first and last names, the answer is very simple: that's what the movie insists on doing virtually any time either character is spoken to or about. It's the Colin Robinson or the Kekoa Shaw of 2008.

Anyway, back to the beach. Kelly Reyes shows up for practice only to be interrupted by a pair of detectives who have serious questions about Holden Gregg. Not the Holden Gregg she had PG-rated Showgirls-y sex with the night before, but the REAL Holden Gregg, who is absolutely NOT the man she had sex with the night before. 

Turns out, Not Holden Gregg is a stalker, one who took Jen's partner out of commission in order to get the object of his affection into the championship game. Next on his list is Matt, who he beats into a coma because in this cinematic universe, David Silver is stronger than Big Dick Richie.

Directed by Hayley Cloake, Impact Point is what I like to call Hot People Horror. Okay, it's more elevated Lifetime thriller than genuine genre fare, but it belongs in the same rotation as The Sand in that we get super attractive people being thrown into some ridiculous situations. 

With sand!

As I so often say, this is not a particularly GOOD movie by your general standards of quality (though in the scheme of beach volleyball stalking thrillers, it has to at least crack the top five), but when you want a breezy summer watch, this is a darn good time. 

High Points

Without spoiling a movie that you'll only see if you actually use Netflix's DVD service, allow me to say that the reveal of Not Holden Gregg's actual identity is pretty neat

Low Points

Look, Melissa Keller is a gorgeous woman and very decent in this movie, but that doesn't really excuse the simple fact that Kelly Reyes is kind of the worst. Her rival Jen (who at one point, comes thisclose to doing a justified Homer-to-Bart-Simpsons-choke on her new teammate) is 100% correct in all of the insults and snide comments she hurls

 

Lessons Learned

With the dawn of cell phones came the death of the police sketch artist, a tool that would have been wildly useful in identifying a man our victim knew intimately

There's nothing more boring than a winner's quotes

Much like the 2021 Tokyo Summer Olympic Games, there's little need to have medics on hand at an outdoor directly-in-the-sun sporting event taking place during a heat wave 

Smart complicates things 

Smart complicates things

(look, the movie makes a point of repeating it as if it's a very important mantra, so who am I to not pass along its weight?)

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you're the type of person whose life gets better hearing the words "There's a movie where Brian Austin Green plays a mastermind stalker obsessed with a beach volleyball player," then Impact Point will in no way disappoint you. Currently, it's rentable on Apple TV, but this really seems like the kind of yard sale DVD you might be lucky enough to one day score. And hey! IT'S WORTH THE MONEY! Just LOOK at these special features:

Game. Set. Match.  

With Open Eyes

There seems to be a new subgenre of horror popping up rather frequently on the Instant Watch services. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but let's say something along the lines of "time shifty, dimensional portal-y" thrillers. Think Coherence, Mine Games, even Forget Me Not. In a few of those cases, the filmmakers have taken a basic slasher pattern and given it just enough shifts to feel new.

For lack of a better definition than "time shifty, dimensional portal-y," we'll just say Don't Blink is yet another "lots of attractive young people go to a secluded location and weird shit happens" kind of flick.

Quick Plot: Lots of attractive young people go to a secluded location and weird shit happens.

I mean, it DOES.

By lots, I really do mean about a full baker's dozen or so. A bunch of loosely connected "friends" (I guess?) are driving up to a winter cabin. Among them are Jack (David Silver himself, Brian Austin Green) and his secretly-but-not-so-secretly pregnant girlfriend Tracy (Mena Suvari), Jack's younger brother, another car filled with the hot-headed Zack Ward, and, well, a bunch of other not particularly defined or interesting fodder for...something.

That something turns out to be the random disappearances of individuals. One moment, you're all sitting around discussing dinner until you realize in the blink of an eye, one of you has simply vanished leaving no trace behind. We've already established quickly and clinically that there's no cell service/characters forgot phones/characters don't have cell phones (thus covering all demographics) so we know there is no help on its way. One trigger-happy drama king in the group with a gun means we'll get plenty of "who are the REAL monsters?" overheated drama. The question is, will we as an audience care?

Sort of, maybe. Don't Blink has a nice and intriguing premise, but it's simply not good enough to do anything that special with it. We start with so many characters that it takes too long to realize which ones we'll have the longest. As a result, one of the final survivors(?) has to give an overly long and dull expositional speech about how this is affecting her life because clearly, the film didn't have its timing right to SHOW that. Our other final character gets a last minute affair that comes out of nowhere and is treated with no weight whatsoever. It's weird.

I didn't hate Don't Blink, but the fact that, while watching it, I found myself thinking about the rather mediocre but MUCH more entertaining Mine Games certainly says a lot about the experience. 

High Points

The rapture-y premise is promising...just not delivered

Low Points

Is it weird to want to be able to see a movie when your'e watching it?

Minor spoiler: the film does not explain what actually happened. This can work if you've given me a film that's interesting with or without a reveal, but since Don't Blink has so little substance, it ultimately left me even more frustrated with the entire viewing experience

Lessons Learned

It's not okay to turn off John Denver

(for obvious reasons)

Things white girls from Iowa can make: bologna sandwiches, babies, potatoes, and sex with their pregnant friends' boyfriends. Things white girls form Iowa can't make: sushi, reasons for having sex with their pregnant friends' boyfriends

The outdoors is actually really quiet

You have to have a phone if you have your own internet site

In times of stressful mystery, one can go from irreligious punk to Bible-quoting scholar in mere minutes

Rent/Bury/Buy

As a stream, Don't Blink isn't terrible, but it's far blander than a whole lot of other options that explore similar territory. At the risk of issuing a rather ridiculous pun-filled ruling, you can blink and miss this one.

I'll be here all week. Don't eat the veal, it's made from cruelty.