Loony Bin? More Like a BOOBY Bin

My Netflix DVD queue has become something of a weekly grab bag. With over 300 films on the list and full access to both Instant Watch and Amazon Prime, I tend to just shuffle the rarer, harder to find or "Very Long Wait" titles to the top and let myself be surprised by what arrives in the mail. More often than not, I have no memory of adding something to that queue, possibly because in my 34 years, I've slaughtered quite a few brain cells watching, well, the kind of movies like Slaughter Hotel.

Is that such a bad thing?

Quick Plot: Welcome to Europe's sexiest mental asylum, aka a "rest home" for attractive women with lots of money, some mental issues, and very little clothes. Among the scantily clad patients are:

- a shy young woman trying to get better and counting on the help of a sexy new nurse

- a nymphomaniac who seduces the resort's gardener as a way to help her deal with being madly in love with her brother

- an unhappy wife whose brutish husband stops the car just long enough for her to exit before speeding away without a word

- a married business owner whose relationship is in question due to her newfound, totally professional, totally understandable love of her psychiatrist, played by Klaus Kinski

Yes, you are correct in immediately saying, "You know your mental hospital isn't quite the best if the doctor in charge is played by Klaus Kinski." The fact that the entire place is decorated with medieval torture devices is an additional clincher, one made even better by the presence of John Karlsen.

I know, most of you are swooning with glee, providing you paused long enough to read this in between chapters of your John Karlsen erotic fan fiction. For the few out there who don't recognize, the name or soul-piercing eyes, John Karlsen played Blossum in 1966's The Christmas That Almost Wasn't, easily one of the weirdest/greatest holiday specials to ever include a plot about Santa Claus not paying his rent and singing a not creepy at all song called "What Are Children Like When They're Wide Awake?" More fittingly, Karlsen played the English king in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Yes, the same man who ordered that titular pair to be put in the IRON MAIDEN.

Guys. This movie has an iron maiden. And John Karlsen opens it. 

I can't adequately express how happy this makes me.

Anyway, patients and nurses are brutally slaughtered (mostly in their naked sleep) by a cloaked figure. We have boobs (many), we have blood (a fair amount), and indeed, we do have black gloves touching both. Slaughter Hotel (or any of its other more fitting titles) is indeed a giallo. A very messy, occasionally quite labia-filled one. 

Thankfully, the film and its director, genre regular Fernando Di Leo, are well aware of its shortcomings. It never feels like Slaughter Hotel is trying to do anything but shove attractive women and grisly murders in your face. You don't realize there's a mystery about the killer's identity until the final act brings in a not-so-genius plan to unmask the murderer, and even then, the reveal is less rewarding than the continued chaos and violence that comes after it. Bava, this ain't. Fun trash, it certainly is.

High Points
Between aforementioned iron maidens, ancient swords, arrows, and a handy mace, Slaughter Hotel's murders are quite a varied batch

Low Points
Oh come on. The movie is terrible. What more do you need to know?

Lessons Learned
In the 1970s, it was totally acceptable for a nurse to seduce a mental patient providing foreplay involved a two-hour bath and extended dance party

One can still shed tears after being shot in the head

When trying to trap a violent serial killer in a hospital filled with dozens of civilians, consider blocking all exits or at least hiring faster police officers so that you don't end up with another half dozen murder victims thirty seconds AFTER you've caught the serial killer

Rent/Bury/Buy
Listed as Slaughter Hotel on RareFlixx DVDs, this was a "Very Long Wait" on Netflix's DVD portal. Was it worth it? Not particularly, but if you're a giallo completist or just really like female breasts, this is certainly one to find. I found myself chuckling through most of it, so it's certainly entertaining in one way or another. 

DraKinski!

The opening credit sequence for Werner Herzog’s 1979 adaptation of F.W. Murnau’s Nosferatu features creepy mummified beings scored to beautiful music ...

and followed by a closeup of two adorably playful kittens. 

This film was made for me.

Quick Plot: Jonathan Harker (the wonderful Wings of Desire’s wonderful Bruno Wonderful Ganz) must head to the ominous castle of Count Dracula, a Mr. Burns-y hermit with --

Aw heck, you know the story. It’s Dracula, plain and simple. Mina is actually Lucy (just ‘cause) and she’s played by the gorgeous Isabelle Adjani, one of, perhaps, the only actresses that could dare face-play against the glorious insanity of Klaus Kinski. 

There’s a whole lot to love about Herzog’s film, so rather than a straightforward review (it’s DRACULA for goodness sake), here’s a list of all that works about it:

-The three lead performances are, plain and simple, perfect for the material. Ganz brings intrigue to a role usually reserved for pretty boys, Adjani’s facial expressions are straight out of the silent film era and Kinski is shockingly restrained (yet still typically creepy) as the titular demon

-Within five minutes of Nosferatu’s running time, it hit me that I needed to turn off all the lights in La Casa Dolls to fully appreciate the insanely beautiful camerawork. Take, for example, Jonathan’s trek to the castle. It’s a scene that goes on far longer than necessary, but between a fertile but empty landscape, shadowed ruins, and a cloudy night sky slowly parting to let in a haunting blue light, I could not take my eyes off the screen. 

This goes for just about every frame of the film, be it Lucy’s lonely beach walk or a disorienting overhead shot of coffins marching through a desolate village.

-Dracula’s boat trip is more painful than the movie Boat Trip, and I mean that as a huge compliment (and probably the only one that will ever involve the movie Boat Trip). The journey is usually skirted over or entirely ignored in most adaptations, but Herzog gives it plenty of weight, letting the trip herald in a deadly plague that wreaks havoc over Lucy’ and Jonathan’s home town. This eventually gives us an almost apocalyptic view as Lucy roams an emptying village and the few remaining citizens resign themselves to impending death.

-Though I won’t spoil the ending, it’s certainly worth acknowledging that it departs from the usual Dracula finale and wow, it’s pretty great.

Low Points

Word on the cinema street is that Herzog wasn’t overly nice to those thousands of rat cast members, which makes me a little sad

Lessons Learned

Pigs do not stop walking to poop. I did not know this fact

One should probably not dip one’s toes inside a mysterious rat-infested coffin. I’m not a doctor or anything, but this advice seems sound

You know, there are starving children in China who would kill to eat those grapes. (Note: this comment is directed towards vampires who seem to thrive on wasting decadent banquets)

Rent/Bury/Buy

I rented the German version of Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht through Netflix, since general consensus is that it’s superior (Herzog filmed an English version simultaneously with the same cast, also available as a separate disc). Clearly, I recommend this film with all the muster I’ve got. Dracula tales don’t generally do too much for me, but Herzog’s approach--essentially, creating an homage to Murnau’s original--is incredibly striking from both a visual and audio standpoint. The music is gripping and the imagery, absolutely breathtaking. Add in a Ka-razzzzzy Kinski (well-supported by a fantastic Adjani and Ganz) and you have a film that’s simply a joy to experience.

Doin' the Kinski Crawl(space)

David Schmoeller is responsible for one of my favorite Doll’s House discoveries (Tourist Trap) and biggest failures (Netherworld). Forrest Gump might even liken the man’s style to a box of chocolates. As much as I hate biting into a hard fruit nougat, I’ll risk the disappointed tooth chip if there’s even the slightest chance I’ll discover coconut.

So in keeping with my chocolate theme (stay with me) let’s read the ingredients: Klaus Kinski. Nazi doctors. Instant Watch. 1986. 80 minutes.

I’ll bite.

Quick Plot: A pretty gnarly prologue follows a young woman discovering a room filled with a caged prisoner and implements of torture. Enter the Kinski. 

“It’s a shame. I liked you.”

Stab.

I’ll have another chocolate, please.

Kinski plays Karl Guenther, a creepy apartment landlord with a face that makes the Crypt Keeper cry. Despite his intense Kinskiness, Guenther somehow attracts the deposit of a seemingly intelligent (though an ill-advised haircut might suggest otherwise) grad student who needs a new room in order to escape her possibly vampiric previous neighbors. Or something.

Meanwhile, Kinski’s other female tenants have all sorts of fun. The token ‘80s blond plays rape games with her boyfriend and inexplicably ruins a perfectly good lacy bra by cutting out its nipples (listeners of GirlsOnFilm Radio know of my hatred of bra shopping. What is wrong with this woman?). A sassy Southahn brunette serves tequila milkshakes to her friends and another airhead tenant attempts to seduce a wealthy paramour by comparing him to her grumpy old uncle. Oddly enough, it only mildly ruins the mood.

Neat. The only thing of interest my neighbors do is sing along to gospel music at 6 in the morning on the weekends. My neighbors are awesome.

Guenther keeps tabs on his ladies by watching them from his titular crawlspace, a movie-big AC vent that connects throughout the whole building. Occasionally, he grabs a few almost Food of the Gods-sized rats to come for the ride and make the night more fun.

Secrets are revealed about Guenther’s not so pure past. At one point, he wears more makeup than Mickey Rooney in The Manipulator. At another, he’s luging through the vents with the best odd smile a man could make. All of this in just 80 minutes, why would you NOT queue it up?

High Points

Ah, Kinski. Even when performing subpar material, he simply remains such an incredibly odd enigma that warrants your total attention. It certainly helps that he actually seems to care, approaching genuinely sad resignation during his regular games of Russian Roulette

Low Points

So about 4 characters are murdered. Offscreen. That’s a shame.

Lessons Learned

After future pet DJ Chocolate Thunder, my next cat will be named Claws Kinski

Rich bachelors have difficulty staying in the mood with the distraction of mouse scurries

When hunting a man you suspect of multiple homicide, one should exert some form of caution

Rent/Bury/Buy

Holy Hitler this was a fun movie. Bizarre as what you’d imagine Kinski’s third grade art project looked like, with a quick pace that always offers something weird. The film is streaming on Netflix and at 80 minutes, is easily worth a quick watch. There are expensive and rare DVD and VHS copies floating around the NetherNets, but with its brisk pacing and slickness, this isn’t necessarily worth the big bucks. Though I could see revisiting it in the not so distant future, it also doesn’t quite climb into the pantheons of great gotta-own movies. Watch it with ease and happily await a real release.