The Tribe Has Spoken

As we've long established, I'm an easy mark for a certain type of horror movie. Put keywords like "tropical island" or "tough chicks" or "Vinnie Jones" or "90 minutes on Neftlix Instant" in your description and you pretty much have an automatic review.

Quick Plot: Aforementioned tough chick Billie (Killer Mermaid's Natalie Burn) AWAKENs on a beautiful aforementioned tropical island being patrolled by Perfect Record Movie Enhancer* (and aforementioned) Vinnie Jones and his band of enforcers. Billie teams up with a ragtag assortment of strangers who like her, AWAKENed on this paradise with no idea how or why.

Leading the survivors is Robert Davi, creeping out the survivors is Edward Furlong, and gathering them all in secret is Jason (not Jeremy, as if that matters) London. 

Why go through the trouble of kidnapping random adults, dropping them on a small island surrounded by sharks and Vinnie Jones, and watching them from a mansion?  Well, get ready:

Remember that movie where Spartacus 1.0's wife was kidnapped and forced into a female fighting ring to determine if her baby would be adopted by a wealthy couple? Didn't that seem a little, you know, COMPLICATED? Well my dear friends, Awaken might just beat it. 

Why, you wonder, is J. London dropping hostages on an island, watching them through surveillance video, and occasionally sending a rather large team of mercenaries in to extract one? The answer is as simple as Turistas: organ theft!

To be clear, I am a huge supporter of organ donation to the point that I genuinely believe it should be illegal NOT to give your working parts to someone in need when you're done with them. But that has nothing to do with the issue in Awaken.

See, it's one thing to kidnap wandering strangers who won't be missed and harvest their parts. It's another to set up an elaborate tropical resort just so your victims are forced to take in the fresh air and eat island produce. If you're going to kidnap perfectly healthy people to save the life of Darryl Hannah's dying daughter, can't you just chain them up in a sun room and substitute coconuts for bread and water?

My point being, Awaken is pretty ridiculous movie. There are too many characters, too many mysteries, too many henchmen, (if such a thing exists) and way too little Vinnie Jones. Actual plot and sense aside, Awaken is also the kind of action/genre flick that emphasizes female strength, puts out some decent action scenes, and, well, is set on a really pretty locale. It's not a great film by anyone's definition of cinema, but it's entertaining and pretty to look at. These are not bad things.

High Points

With plenty of hand-to-hand combat, the action sequences are actually quite strong. It's genuinely enjoyable to watch Natalie Burn kick some ass

Low Points

It's just not exactly pleasing to watch anybody talk to each other in the awkward style of Awaken

Lessons Learned

Edward Furlong is really good at naked cuddling

Never have your bloodwork tested when south of Mexico

If you can't carry your own body weight, you can't do advanced technique

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, Awaken isn't exactly a "good" movie, but it's filmed on a beautiful tropical island, it stars (mostly) beautiful people, and it features a whole lot of decent fight scenes. If you're looking for something breezy to help you kill 90 minutes, you could certainly do infinitely worse. 

*Can we all agree that if there's one actor in this world who deserves better work, it's Vinnie Jones? The man is the cinematic equivalent of peanut butter. You can add him to ANYTHING and said thing will vastly improve by at least 33%. 

Part Of Your World

"It takes a lot of money to look this cheap." -- The Goddess Known As Dolly Parton

"It takes a lot of production companies to make a movie that feels rather cheap." -- The Woman Who Can Do Nothing But Worship At the High Heels of Dolly Parton Known As Me

Quick Plot: A young couple who speak English through Serbian accents are about to enjoy a sexy night of skinny dipping when a siren song lures the male into the water and a man who knows what you did last summer hooks the lass. 

Moving on, a pair of "Americans" named Kelly and Lucy travel to Montenegro for some relaxing with Lucy's ex-boyfriend. That makes about as much sense as taking an exotic beach vacation when you're terrified of water, but both things do indeed happen, so we accept reality as it is presented and enjoy the sun.

Alex, Lucy's ex, brings his new fiancee Yasmin to the group. They're soon joined by Bobby ("just like DiNero!") and make the obvious decision to spend a day exploring an abandoned prison island, despite the warnings of local mysterious stranger Franco Nero.

Admittedly, I would be THRILLED to spend my vacation exploring an abandoned prison island. The last time I saw Franco Nero warn anybody about anything, it resulted in death by figure skating and Shelley Winters singing Shortening Bread in The Visitor, so really, that's just a plus.

As one might imagine in a film called Killer Mermaid, our quintet of pretty people are eventually hunted down by, well, a killer mermaid's fisherman minion. Killer mermaids have them, see.

Please note a key word in the above paragraph: eventually. It is vital to your viewing of Killer Mermaid for, you see, this movie takes its time. Before we get to a CGI Ariel devouring her prey, we must first deal with Kelly's devotion to her journalism job and fear of water following her brother's drowning, Lucy's pining for her ex, her ex's rather easy affair with Lucy, Yasmin dealing with it all by drinking to the point of puke, and an incredibly uncomfortable dance party that made me question the existence of the human soul.

But then, you see, there is a killer mermaid.

Originally titled Nymph, this is a film whose title and poster definitely lead one to expect a goofier tale. Killer Mermaid is neither incompetent nor scary, putting it square in a rather mediocre camp of Netflix Instant horror. Its premise is different enough to make it more memorable than a standard slasher or backwoods massacre, so it certainly makes good on its brief (if a bit belabored) running time. One could do worse.

High Points

Boy is the Serbian waterfront a pretty location to film a movie in!

Low Points

I’ve been trying to forget the uncomfortable impromptu dance party, yet every time I close my eyes, it haunts me so...

Lessons Learned

Fish doesn't grab people

Nothing will confound a mermaid with more success than a mere net

True places are never on the map

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you watch Killer Mermaid without reading any tone into the title, this proves to be an average horror flick for a lazy 90 minute stream. The location is beautiful, the actors are attractive and somewhat animated, and you know, there IS a killer mermaid. It won't blow your mind with its power or badness, but it's a decent pretty watch that can also serve as an attractive and rife flick for MST3K style riffing.