One woman's quest to share the beauty and learn valuable lessons in horror films, from the truly terrifying to the totally terrible (and of course, everything in between involving killer dolls)
But not at this unswanky joint! You want naked alien vampires, angry nun zombies, dried out bat people and some Patrick Stewart face melting? Pack up your day bag and head over to one of (okay, really THE) best horror websites on this wild wild web, The Blood Sprayer! No raincoats required.
Over yonder, I'll be joining a kicking all-star team (wherein I'll probably be picking daisies in right field). We're right in the middle of the first Dan O'Bannon Week, a whole seven days with multiple posts devoted to the late great sci-fi master. I'm today's party pooper, as delving into his 1985 big budget flop collaboration with Tobe Hooper was certainly NOT the best way to honor a man responsible for far greater work (including Alien and one of my absolute favorites, Total Recall).
So head over to The Blood Sprayer to read my take, and stay for the far happier articles on all things O'Bannon. It will make your life better.
Another way to achieve the same effect? Queuing up Total Recall.
Because that my friends, is happiness in a disguise bomb.
I don’t know why I expect video game-based films to be fun. I don’t even find video games themselves to be that enjoyable (though my nostalgic affection remains firmly in place for Street Fighter 2 and Zombies Ate My Neighbors). When you beat them, there’s the inevitable disappointment, a sort of “that’s it?” 30-second epilogue to reward hours of carpel tunnel syndrome-in-training fingers.
So fine. I am indeed bitter over the finale to Super Mario Bros. 2’s end on first generation Nintendo, when even if you spent an entire weekend playing as Princess Daisy, you beat the big boss only to discover the entire storyline was just a nighttime dream for a snoring Mario.
Not cool childhood.
But anyway, Doom, a film I lazily used as background for the bimonthly cleaning of the actual Doll’s House, is no Super Mario Bros. That’s a good thing. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that Doom is, you know...a good thing.
Quick Plot: In the year 2046, scientists are playing with genes in space, which inevitably leads to super human monsters that leap around while coated in early CGI flubber. A military recon group led by a surprisingly dour Duane Johnson attempts to hunt down the infected remains of a research group on a high tech spaceship with lots of doors and disappearing/reappearing walls. And that is that.
In full honesty, I didn’t pay a lot of attention to Doom, so everything in this review should be taken with a few spoonfuls of salt substitute. Then again, if there’s one thing Doom needs, it’s more flavor, so heap it on.
As expressed in this corner of the blogoworld nearly every other week, Starship Troopers and Total Recall are kind of the best films ever made. Space + guns + R-rating x cheesy dialog never doesn’t equal magic, so there was really no reason for why I shouldn’t have enjoyed Doom.
But I didn’t. Perhaps it was the forced POV shots crammed in to please game fans. Perhaps, at one hour and forty five minutes, it was a half hour longer than a movie based on a video game I’ve never played had any right to be. Whatever the reason, I couldn’t quite find anything exciting to keep my eyes onscreen.
It was a movie. I watched it. Ask me details next Thursday and I’ll probably forget that fact.
High Points
Having the main protagonists be estranged twins gave film a somewhat interesting character dynamic to play off of. Not much happened with it, but hey. It was there.
The Rock is still a little too affable to pull off playing a major villain, but I do appreciate his character’s surprising jerkitude
Low Points
Bombastically electric music and lots of character shouting at each other is a great way to 1) prevent your audience from having any idea what’s happening in tense action scenes and 2) give them migraines
Lessons Learned
If you’re a scientist in a dangerous situation, always be pretty so that marines will do favors for you
In addition to transporting your body into a superfly, teleportation presents other serious dangers, such as sucking up your lower half and rendering you butt-less for your remaining days
Rent/Bury/Buy
Video game cinema fans could do worse than giving Doom a casual try. The film provides what you’d expect and absolutely nothing more. If Alien was Jaws in space, then Doom is Deep Blue Sea in space, but just not in any way awesome. Make of that what you will and, in the words of The Rock, semper fi mother fucker.
Really hope I find the real-life opportunity to say that. Preferably while holding a “Big. Fucking. Gun.” I found floating in a high-tech room.
In honor of Michael C. Hall’s Groundhog’s Day’s Eve birthday, I give you my review of Gamer.
Oh. Are you wondering why I know that Dexter Morgan’s less sociopathic half will be eating cake tonight? Aside from the fact that I happen to be his casual stalker, I’m also his birthday buddy. So balloons and bawdy movies for all!
Quick Plot: In the near future, gaming has reached new levels of depraved reality. Remember the controversy of those Easter egg codes that let your Grand Theft Auto alter ego do more things to hoes than just punch them in the face? Pfff, that’s as antiquated as Paper Boy bicycle accidents on Gameboy ’89.
The current trend to gluttonously devour bourgeoisie leisure time is Society, the next-level Sim City wherein players can control the motor functions of real-life avatars wandering a neon-hued candyland of vice. What’s better than being a sweaty 300+ pounder of sweat and sin vicariously living through Amber Valleta (who just happens to use the same hair dresser as Milla Jovovich, circa The 5th Element)? Oh, there’s something.
How about using that same technology for a Running Man/The Condemned game, with graphics that make Metal Gear Solid look like Atari? Slayers takes death row inmates (convenient that there’s always a bunch of those guys lying around for these kinds of dystopian action romps, eh?) and puts them in life-or-death battles. Like Society, each “Slayer” has some fancy chipwork in his brain that allows human gamers to direct their bodies to point and shoot. What makes Slayers such a hit is the caveat that each man can actually be killed midst game.
Stepping into Jason Statham’s well-used shoes is Gerard Butler as John Tilman, aka Kable in the Slayer universe. Having survived 27 battles, Tilman is just three games away from winning his freedom and reuniting with his token wife and daughter. His puppet master is a spoiled rich kid Simon (well-played by Logan Lerman) who's slowly developing a conscience as a group of punk rebels plot to tear down the system of mind-controlled gaming.
Makes perfect sense, right? All this is the dream child of Michael C. Hall’s Ken Castle, a Steve Jobs-like genius with a silver tongue and smooth soft shoe. And naturally, a hazy set of morals that allows Gamer to summon a mean and manic spirit.
Written and directed by the Crank team of Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, Gamer is a wacky ride into videogame hell. Like The Running Man, it’s a film built on an intriguing and intelligent concept that mixes morality with media, but unlike something like Total Recall, it doesn’t quite master the balance. There are some clever moments of satire sprinkled throughout, but once Ludacris’s real-world crusaders take over the ethics debate with vague statements about humanity, Gamer loses a bit of its edge.
But you probably won’t rent Gamer for its political or social agenda, especially if you picked it up based on Neveldine and Taylor’s pedigree. As an action film, Gamer is decent enough, depending on your taste buds for fast cuts and hyperactive visuals. Butler imbues his hero with a sympathetic growl and believable edge, but but following him through the grainy war scenes or epilepsy-inducing rave rooms feels a little too, well, video game-ish for my sensibilities. Obviously, this is probably the point and not necessarily a general criticism. It’s just not my style.
Similarly, the virtual reality (to the extreme!) themes are explored in rather neat ways, even if the film doesn’t really have the time to deal with their possibilities. Yes, we’ve seen this story in The Matrix and other tales, but Gamer has a lot of fun with its premise, both for the serious-minding sci-fi fans and the action audience in need of a few good shootouts.
High Points
Rhymes with Cycle Hee Mall. Granted, I’ve been a fan of his work since his complex David Fisher slowly learned to accept himself on Six Feet Under, but it’s truly a blast to see Hall get to have so much fun with a role he makes his own. Plus, dance moves!
Although a whole film set in Society would give me a sugar-rushed headache, the depiction of this world was rather innovative. Watching Amber Valleta blankly wade through an artificial landscape--her body knowing who she is but all motor functions betraying her--is fascinating and haunting.
Low Points
As someone with less skill at modern videogames than an arthritic senior citizen, I’m probably biased, but the fast edit game style action sequences simply felt a tad too jumbled for my senses to ever grip onto
The underground freedom fighters seem more like an easy connecting plot device than fully realized revolutionaries
Lessons Learned
Pistachio butter exists and it is awesome
Stockholders, take note: Best Buy will be in business for a long time
In the near future, the FCC will loosen regulations on language and cigarette use in primetime news
Rent/Bury/Buy
This is one of the few films reviewed here that people I actually speak to (in the real world) have seen, and of those flesh-and-blood breathers, none haven’t enjoyed Gamer. My main quibbles probably stem from my general lack of video game experience, but Gamer is a treat, particularly if you enjoy these kinds of media-centered action movies infused with a dose of sci-fi intelligence. The DVD includes an extensive featurette , crowded commentary, and a few more goodies that diehard fans will have fun with. Gamer is a little too light and muddled to be a future classic, but there’s a lot here to enjoy.
There have certainly been lows (the mean-spirited Hollow Man which doesn't even make the concept of nude Kevin Bacon watchable) and, well, films I've yet to see (Black Book, one day), but for today's underlooked director spotlight, let's raise a Pilsner to one of the Netherlands’ finest--and underrated--imports of the past century.
1. Flesh + Blood
How do you make a period movie inherently interesting? When in doubt, inject a hearty dose of sex and violence or, if you’re stuck the 16th century, Flesh + Blood. Starring a young, oddly Americanized Rutger Hauer as Europe’s premiere mercenary, this superbloody epic follows a band of criminals as they travel the countryside looting and raping most anything in their path. There for the ride is a fresh-faced Jennifer Jason Leigh turning in a naughtily playful performance as an engaged noblewoman taken hostage and quickly learning the art of manipulating the male sex. Not quite as grand or classy as higher profile fare like the Lord of the Rings or Excalibur, but an overall blast that, if nothing else, deserves unmeasurable bonus points for featuring a climactic battle determined by the catapulting of plague-ridden dog meat. Eat that, Spielberg
2. Robocop
Few blockbusters combine action, character, and memorable dialog quite as well as the 1987 cop drama/sci-fi action shootout/Frankenstein tale of corporate power weaseling its way into public policy. In the age of Blackwater scandals and questionable presidential financial investments, the basic premise of Robocop is surprisingly more relevant 20 years after its inception, while the human drama continues to tug at even the most jaded Transformers-weary heartstrings. Some of the stop motion may aged about as well as Belial’s hotel room rampage in Basket Case, but Robocop remains an engrossing and intelligent piece of damn fine, damn fun cinema.
3. Total Recall
Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s best work (I know, that doesn’t say THAT much) but it’s a quite a feat that the Hercules of NY can almost pull off the role of an everyday blue collar construction worker slowly discovering the life he has isn’t real (or IS it?). If the concept of Ahhnold emoting is too much, sit back and enjoy watching a current government official stick a futuristic needle up his own nose, beat up Sharon Stone, turn down a tri-breasted Martian hooker, and use a dying civilian as armor in a shooting spree. A ripe story from the mind of Philip K. Dick goes far, but it’s Verhoeven’s all-out intergalactic party-hard attitude that makes this one of the 90s’ best science fiction extravaganzas.
4. Showgirls
Everybody has dreams, but few pursue them with such aggressive thrusting as Nomi “I’m a dancer!” Malone, as energetically (and insanely) played by Jessie Spano with a tan. When we look back at 1995’s NC-17 rated Showgirls, it’s hard to believe people were hesitant to see what’s become the greatest film ever to emphasize the importance of hamburgers that don’t suck, brown rice with vegetables, and ice cubes at auditions. Showgirls may very well be the trashiest studio film ever released with so much fanfare, and unless your sense of humor is A-cup size, I dare anyone to watch the film without cracking a smile, or, let's face it, breaking into hysterical laughter and resisting the urge to schedule weekly Cheetah parties catered with lots of Cristal and chips. What was Verhoeven actually going for with this Cinderella story for trailer grown ingenues? There's nothing actually sexy about seeing Elizabeth Berkely writhe like an epileptic dolphin in a pool, dry hump Kyle MacLachlan in a dimly lit strip club, or end a romantic evening by proving that it is indeed her time of the month (yes, that's in there), but I like to believe Showgirls is a far more satirical and self-aware cautionary tale about stardom than its Razzie record would contend. Whether Verhoeven knew what he was doing or not, this is one film ridiculously worthy of the cult status it has slowly been building and will still be entertaining well after Vers-ayce is out of style.
5. Starship Troopers
Audiences ignored this 1997 sci-fi actionfest based on Robert Heinlein’s Nazi homaging tale of a future war with ginormous plasma-shooting, limb-tearing bugs occupying a planet in travel distance from earth. Thankfully, it eventually found its audience and spawned two sequels of its own (one lame, one awesome), but it’s this R-Rated theatrical shoulda-been blockbuster that remains one of the most joyously gruesome two hours one can have with Caspar Van Dien. Some quibble with the 45 minute 90210esque opening melodrama, but I’d argue all the coupling of pretty/wooden actors serves to whet your thirst for their impending doom. When the praying mantis-ish warrior bugs start biting their way through soldier’s body parts, we care enough to recognize the bloody victims, but feel rather ambivalent about their personalities to crave their less-than-comfortable fates. Sure, some of the CGI battles are starting to show their age, but all’s forgiven when Michael Ironside gets a chance to be badass. I didn’t even mention the brain bug, tongue-in-cheek newsreels (featuring none other than 90210’s own Principal Teasely) and the fact that Verhoeven cast Neil Patrick Harris years before the rest of the world caught on to just how cool he was.
So there you have my vote for most watchable director of extreme cinema. While I wait for the world to officially recognize the greatness of pasties and the effects of Mars’ atmosphere on human flesh, let’s hope this oft overlooked maestro of nutritious popcorn flicks keeps delivering his joy.
Calling all karate dogs, ghost cats, and baseball playing chimpanzees! A full month of joyously terrible animal-themed movies, complete with endless fart jokes and puns!
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