Parker Lewis's Daughter Can't Lose

Besties. You think I'm not going to watch a movie called Besties?

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

Quick Plot: Sandy is an awkward 14 year old obsessed with her sexy older neighbor and former babysitter Ashley.  When her dad (Corin Nemec!) goes away for the weekend, Sandy lets Ashley throw one of those terrible Mike's Hard Lemonade catered high school parties that quickly ends with the cops showing up to lazily investigate a noise complaint.

After Ashley flirts her way out of a police report, her paroled ex-boyfriend Justin shows up and begins to put the statutory rape-y moves on a smitten Sandy. Before you can check what's on Lifetime, Sandy and Ashley are bashing the fella over the head with a frying pan...to death.

There are worse ways to go, but then again, there are a whole lot better means, too. This is what happens when you turn down your only real friend’s invitation to try out her new panini maker. 

The girls move into action, dumping Justin's body a few miles away but forgetting that his car is parked right in front of Sandy's house. Clearly, these young ladies have not been watching nearly enough Pretty Little Liars.

Besties is an odd little indie written and directed by frequent Gotham contributor Rebecca Perry Cutter. Less a Lifetime flick and more a lighter spin on thirteen, it's an incredibly uncomfortable, often awkward look at what it means to be a 14 year old girl (spoiler alert: it sucks). In that respect, it's actually kind of strong. As Sandy, Olivia Crocicchia is not the kid sister you want. She's quiet and shy, snippy to her actual friend and creepy to her obsession. As I've said before with #Horror and The Sisterhood of the Night, no woman is at her best in middle school.

Likewise, Madison Riley's Ashley isn't necessarily a heartless mean girl, but more an ambitious teenager who has learned how to leverage her looks to overcome a less than ideal home life. As a character study of two very different, but very real teenage girls, Besties offers some genuine insight.

On the other hand, as a murder coverup, it has some issues.

Besties isn't a particularly well-plotted film. The very idea that these girls MURDERED A MAN is ultimately treated with the same weight as that time Kelly and Brenda wore the same dress to the Spring Fling. The pacing is odd, the investigation is barely humored as actually happening, and the film leaves the story in a place that is supposed to be a moment of victory with hints of a cliffhanger, but that felt more like you drove to the top of a mountain and suddenly your car disappeared and you have no idea where you were planning on going anyway.

It's not the most beautifully written analogy, but I'm trying to channel my inner 14 year old.

High Points

It doesn't make for pleasant viewing, but Besties really does find that horribly uncomfortable tone that is the life of middle schoolers

Low Points

I mean, they kill a dude. But that's neither here nor there

Lessons Learned

Nobody misses gross people

Showers wash off DNA and stuff

Nothing celebrates turning 15 better than a murder confession and bouncy house

Everyone needs to learn how to take a compliment*

*Note: just because something is said by a jailbait hunting ex-con does not make it fantastic wisdom to bestow upon an insecure  teenage girl

Fun Fact

Crocicchia also had a small part in a Lifetime better-than-it-should-have-been thriller called, quite magically, I Killed My BFF. What pleases me most about this is imagining Ms. Crocicchia 50 years from now explaining to her grandchildren what the titles of all these films meant 

Legally Required Bratz Reference

Because any opportunity to discuss Bratz: The Movie is one that must be taken by this blog, I’d like to inform you that Madison Riley played “Trendy Girl.”

Resume non-Bratz: The Movie talk now. 

Rent/Bury/Buy

Much like the very different, but somewhat thematically similar #Horror, I wouldn't recommend Besties to most readers. Aside from the fact that it doesn't really have anything to do with the genre I usually cover, it's also a rather awkward film about incredibly awkward people doing very awkward things (awkwardly). That being said, I myself have a very odd affection for films that tackle female tweenhood, and Besties certainly goes there full force. Those who are curious can find it on Amazon Prime. Those who aren't should remember that seriously, it's REALLY HARD TO BE 14.

Kids Today & Their Darned Hashbrowns

When a movie scrolls through Instant Watch with a title like #Horror, my expectations are not high. While many of the recent social media-themed genre flicks have proven to be quite good, this one...well, this one is titled #Horror.

Never judge a movie by its titular characters.

Quick Plot: A gaggle of 12 year old girls are having a slumber party hosted by the richest and blondest of the bunch, Sofia. Sofia's father is a modern art dealer who has furnished his unique mansion with an assortment of odd pieces, including gloriously flaky wife Chloe Sevigny.

Permission to be cool has been granted.
The house itself is also a piece of modern art history, having hosted a murder spree by a Andy Warhol protogee in the '60s. Naturally, it seems to be repeating its past as a mysterious killer starts taking out some of the wealthy visitors, constantly posting crime scene photos on some kind of Candy Crush-hued social media site.

That description probably makes #Horror sound like just about 85% of the movies currently streaming on Netflix Instant right now, but boy is it not. More Heathers than Hell Night, #Horror's interests lie in the dynamics of preteen female frenemyship, not a masked killer making his mark. Writer/director Tara Subkoff clearly remembers what it was like to be 12, that dangerous age where the desire to be cool could easily slaughter one’s sense of right and wrong.

This is also where many a typical horror fan may well despise #Horror. Subkoff spends more time watching the chaotic, catty interactions of its young cast trying on clothes and taking selfies than being slaughtered. A fair warning to those viewers who only watch these kinds of films for the bloodshed: you’ll probably be disappointed. For the rest of us, this is a neat, neat little flick.

Granted, I’m someone who has always been fascinated by that terrible period of teenage girldom. It’s why I was such a fan of the underrated The Sisterhood of Night, and why I’m generally always more open to any story that puts middle school females at its center. For those who were never there, being a 12 year old girl, well, pretty much sucks. Your body is changing and you can’t decide if it’s happening too fast or too slow. Boys become an entire school subject on their own. Worst of all, your friends can go from the people you trust most to the spies willing to sell you out for a better seat at the cafeteria.

Guys, don’t worry: I’m now 34 years old and happily over the horrors of the seventh grade. Then again, my generation of Tomagochi raising Generation Y-ers was still using shaky dial-up internet connections. Facebook was far, far away. Thank goodness.

In 2016, the life of a tween is different. #Horror tosses in a great deal of class wars for added measure, and while it could be alienating for many an audience member, the poor little rich girl trick works here (and not just because it gives us tons of interior design porn). There’s a genuinely real moment when the girls put away their cell phones and have what might be their first human conversation with each other, discussing their various demons (neglectful parents, eating disorders, etc.) in an honest, realistic way. Again, I doubt many a casual Netflix scroller wants that out of something sold as a slasher, but if you’re open to it, it’s well-written, well-acted, and much-needed.

High Points
Not to sound like a broken record about the value of seeing more female directors in the horror industry, but Subkoff more than supports that cry. This is a film so clearly made by a very distinct voice, and while not all of it works, it's genuinely refreshing to feel Subkoff's energy onscreen

Low Points
One character is teased to have quite a complex history, and in part because that history involves Natasha Lyonne, it's a minor quibble that we don't get more of it

Lessons Learned
A joke is only mean if the audience doesn’t laugh

Fat people exist to be funny

Eating a lot of chicken may bring on early menstruation

Rent/Bury/Buy

#Horror is almost more pop art than straightforward genre, and I for one have no problem with that. Most viewers will probably know within the first 10 minutes whether this is right for them. If you find it insufferable early on, bail out and pull up something else. There are hundreds of standard And Then There Were None-style gorefests made for the typical horror audience. For the random minority like me who always want to see a story told from a different angle, this is a treat.