Darby O'Gill Babysits The Children

It’s time for that monthly switcheroo with T.L. Bugg! I love these swaps for two reasons: 

1-It gives me a chance to read one of my very favorite blogger’s takes on movies I either love or just REALLY want other people to watch (giggle giggle Nutcracker In 3D)

2-It’s my monthly reminder to mail in my rent check. 

For this Very Special Shortening Swap, I assigned Zach 2008’s The Children, one of my favorite recent horror films from a certain subgenre I dig more than grilled cheese. He went in a very different, more child-friendly (and less child-killing) direction with 1959’s Darby O’Gill & the Little People.

not the right little people

Quick Plot: After an awesome credits sequence wherein Walt Disney writes a note thanking leprechauns, we meet the titular Darby, an eccentric Irish caretaker well known at his local tavern for telling tales involving little people. 

Nostalgia alert! Before the days of trivia night, there was the crazy old man obsessed with leprechauns to keep your beer tasting better.

One day, the owner of the estate Darby works on with his daughter Katie rides into town to force him into retirement. The time has come to replace the aging leprechaun lover with Michael McBride, a strapping young man from Dublin played with strange bland gentleness by Sean Connery. Darby isn't ready to tell Katie about the change and instead spends an evening hanging out with King Brian and a whole kingdom of very small, very energetic little people who live inside a magical mountain.

Let's get this out of the way: partying with leprechauns ROCKS. Literally and figuratively, since a) they dance like mad b) they're not shy about the beverages and c) little dudes really like rhyming games. If such a colony invited me to live out my last days on their wine and tunes, I wouldn't have to eat a bowl of Lucky Charms before signing the lease.

But Darby, bless his drunken heart, is a tad reluctant when King David tells him to stay forever, using his wiles to instead trick his old pal and return home to big people alcohol. The King follows him for AN ENTIRE NIGHT OF DRINKING, rendering him useless as a magician come the morning sun. 

As I try to work through the plot threads of Darby O'Gill & the Little People, I'm struck by how much goes on. Perhaps I've had a few too many Guinnesses myself because I'm several paragraphs into a synopsis and haven't even detailed Katie's inevitable relationship with James Bond, the token bad guy angling for Darby's job, the tavern filled with villagers thirsty for more leprechaun tales, King David's mildly sinister plan to further eff with Darby and his wishes, and the death-bringing banshee who figures prominently in the final act.

Got all that? No? Here, have some more stout.

Or whiskey.

Or wine.

Or Jim Bean, J&B, Zima, Tequiza, or whatever poison you prefer. Because I say this in true: Darby O'Gill is the most joyfully alcoholic kids film I've ever seen. I wouldn't be surprised if an entire generation of Baby Boomers can look back to that sunny afternoon at the cinema as the turning point in their lives and livers. 

It's absolutely amazing.

Also, a super fun and charming fantasy! I'm a huge fan of children's entertainment that appeals--without pandering to--adult sensibilities (thus explaining my unadulterated adoration of all things Muppet), and Darby O'Gill is one of those remnants from a time past. Though the heavy Irish accents may confuse a few kids (self included), the film is colorful and cute enough to entertain the little ones while offering plenty of smart dialogue and likable relationships for their parents. It's almost the perfect family film, so long as your family isn't Mormon or dealing with alcoholism. 

And by the way, if I found a leprechaun right now, I'd use my first wish to get "It's almost the perfect film, so long as your family isn't Mormon or dealing with alcoholism" as a DVD box cover quote. A girl can dream...

High Points

I'm all for equal opportunity acting jobs for little people (Tiptoes, how you disgust/fascinate/thrill me) but as more recently seen in Elf, the forced perspective style to make the leprechauns, well, leprechaunish is genuinely charming

Apparently the film’s big singing number, “My Darling Irish Girl” was quite a hit, and not just because it maybe included the vocals of a future Highlander. As with most of the instrumental jigs, it’s a pretty darn catchy tune

Low Points

I know, I know: it was a different era in the world, but that doesn't make the threat “I'll throw you in a river and drown you like a kitten" any less disturbing

Lessons Learned

When you sup with the devil, you need a long spoon

Leprechauns have plenty of stamina, but drinking games are still an effective means of manipulating their gifts for your cause

Alcohol is great no matter how tall or short you are

The Winning Line

“Your heart’s as cold as a wet Christmas!”

Is it Albert Sharpe's delivery that makes this sound like the world's most felt insult? The unified gasp from the leprechauns when they hear it? Or really, is this just the greatest thing to ever say to anyone ever?

Rent/Bury/Buy

Darby O'Gill & the Little People is the kind of sunny and strange film I wish I knew of as a kid. It has catchy musical numbers, copious amounts of alcohol, James Bond, and leprechauns. Drunk leprechauns. Drunk leprechauns that don't want to kill you, they just want to dance! And drink. Did I mention drink? The DVD includes a few cute extras worth a gander though sadly, no alcohol. That's kind of shocking since just about every slide in the reel is soaked in stout. Did I mention there's some drinking in this movie? Sorry, I tend to repeat myself when I've had a few Guinnesses (Guinni?). What was I saying?

Right. Okay, so get wasted with Darby, then sober up with T.L. Bugg's review of a truly terrifying horror film. 

Then wash away the fear with more drinking. If you’re lucky, the leprechauns will bring the booze.

Dolly's Gone Haywire!

Dolly Parton is easily my favorite living celebrity, an entertainer with enough cheerful spirit and musical talent to make Tennessee a worthy vacation destination (I’m heading there for the third time this spring). Hence, when the South’s favorite blond was line dancing back to the big screen, it seemed a natural recommend for my other favorite below Mason Dixoner, T.L. Bugg.

That’s right homefries: The Lightning Bug’s Lair is brimming with Joyful Noise, so hitch up yer horse and gallop on over for Zack’s what-I-imagine-must-be-rave-review. On my end, the Bugg sent me out on a covert mission to see Steven Soderbergh’s Haywire. There’s less gospel singing and more ass kicking, but balance is important in this day and age. Just ask Dolly’s bras.

Quick Plot: Mallory Kane (MMA star Gina Carano) sits down for a cup of tea in an upstate diner when the boring guy from the only bad Step Up movie comes in to talk and fight. REALLY fight.

Winning round 1, Mallory enlists the aide of a curious customer with wheels and speeds away on the snowy road, telling her story to him and more importantly, us.

See, Mallory has one of those jobs that we only know about because of movies like Haywire. She’s a covert operative something something, an esteemed professional who negotiates and executes super duper dangerous plans around the world. Her last mission in Barcelona—to grab a journalist that had been taken hostage—went so well that she now gets a quickie job in Dublin via her boss and ex-lover (the young Obi Wan Kenobi) to pose as the wife of fellow operative/hot person Michael Fassbender. When a few details become suspect, Mallory finds herself back in combat and on the run.

Steven Soderbergh is easily one of modern cinema’s most interesting directors, both behind the camera and away from it. In terms of technique, he’s created some genuine marvels (Traffic, The Limey) and plenty of worthy experiments. As if flicking on a light switch, he can seemingly shoot out a commercially appealing mainstream vehicle without pandering to a less arty audience, only to turn around half a year later with a made-for-peanuts indie that butts any theater formula. Oh, and he’s currently working on a film based on Channing Tatum’s experiences as a male stripper.

Why aren’t more people as shocked/fascinated by this as I am?

Anyway, Haywire falls somewhere in between Soderbergh’s experiments and crowd pleasers. It’s an action film, to be sure, but one clearly crafted by someone with ambition and more importantly, creativity. We’ve seen badass hot chicks in hand-to-hand combat, but Soderbergh stages his battles in a way that lets you actually SEE them, pulling the camera back and stopping the music to let each punch and bang resonate. Thinking back to my annoyance with the well-received Crazies remake (which I disliked for its close quarters-with-no-context fight scenes) makes me appreciate the patience and trust someone like Soderbergh has in his work.

And yet American audiences seem to essentially hate Haywire, awarding it a cinemascore of a D+ and spending their cash instead on George Lucas’ Lando apology or Kate Beckinsale’s leather workout. Did moviegoers feel victim to a bait ‘n switch, expecting ‘splosions and shootouts only to be insulted with storyline and a smidgen of dialogue?

I don’t understand the odd venom for Haywire because you know what? I rather liked it. Gina Carano isn’t an Oscar ready actress, but you know what? She doesn’t have to be. She’s believable, likable, and most importantly, great to watch and that in itself keeps Haywire as a film to care about. The supporting cast is overflowing with Soderbergh vets (Michael Douglas!), personal faves (Bill Paxton!) and underrated stars playing against type (sleazy Antonio Banderas!). While the storyline occasionally feels a tad more complicated than it has to be, it tracks back easily enough once we reach the third act.

Maybe the ending wasn’t big enough for some audiences? I can imagine some viewers may have felt like each fight follows the same beats, meaning the ending (no spoilers) doesn’t satisfy in the more obvious Big Boss Battle route would have. It’s a fair criticism if that’s how you felt, but sit back to consider the fact that this is probably how these fights WOULD flow, and just because MacGregor knows how to use a lightsaber does not mean we should see some Jedi mind tricks in a stylized but reality-based action film. Plus, the final line of the film is kind of hilarious in a simple and wraparound way.

High Points

Ewan MacGregor. Bill Paxton. Antonio Banderas. AND Michael Fassbender?

Apparently Steven Soderbergh has the same taste in man as me.

One of my main irks with the action genre is the cold blooded ambivalence it generally has towards civilian bystanders, giving the audience minor laughs or thrills as random passerbys get caught up in gunfire or used as human shields (I still love you though, Total Recall).  While some unlucky folks do find themselves in the way, the character of Mallory actively tries to prevent them from being killed, whether it’s warning some proud state troopers, non-fatally putting down some Spanish officers, or guaranteeing the safety of her game driver

Low Points

Channing Tatum, I understand that you have physical appeal and a weird muse-like hold over your new bestie Steven Soderbergh but please, for the love of all your muscle tees, OPEN YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU SPEAK!

Lessons Learned

Never let an enemy order hot coffee when sitting across from your face

iPhones might have their charms, but nothing says superspy like a burner Blackberry

Don’t forget about the deer. NEVER forget about the deer

See/Skip/Sneak In

I thoroughly enjoyed seeing Haywire on the big screen, but my $11 could easily have been spent on the latest Paracinema Magazine and a few rolls of toilet paper (I ran out). It’s a good film and more importantly, a genuinely special action movie so if you have the time and means, use that cash to make a point about what kind of cinema you’d like to see studios make. Or go see Joyful Noise because Dollywood could always use a new rollercoaster. The choice is yours, but you know what’s not? The freedom to choose which website to visit next. That answer is right here.

A Very Christmas Lightning Swap: Love Actually for...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You know those awkward Christmas gift exchanges where you get something small for a friend, not realizing they’re going to go all out and commission a painting of your favorite pet or find the finest silk robe just to make that cheap hot cocoa set you got on the clearance rack of Marshalls look that much worse? One could kind of consider that an analogy for this month’s swap with my pal T.L. Bugg of the The Lightning Bug’s Lair. My favorite South Carolinean assigned me the oh-so-hard job of discussing one of my favorite Christmas movies, the sugary love-dipped Alan Rickman-talking-in Love Actually.

I made him watch The Nutcracker In 3D.

Man am I on the naughty list! Head over yonder for his thoughts on what might actually be the worst Christmas movie ever made, at least in the last ten years. I hope he survived.

And now onto my secondary intro:

“I hate horror movies!” says the snob who will argue that it’s okay to like Silence of the Lambs because it’s a ‘thriller.’

“I hate musicals!” moans the horror fan who will argue The Wicker Man is in no way of that classification, despite featuring original songs sung by characters in the movie to further the plot.

“I hate romantic comedies!” screams...me...once or twice with knowing hypocrisy.

Blanket statements are a common flaw when it comes to cinema talk. People love to hate, say, ‘everything Tom Cruise has ever done!’ only to mumble disclaimers on Magnolia and Tropic Thunder. No matter how dire a record someone or thing bats onscreen, it’s hard--nay, impossible--to stay at zero.

I bring this up because like many of you, I’m guilty of distancing myself from a subgenre out of snobbery and pride. The majority of romantic comedies makes me want to find the nearest physically attractive, well-dressed couple and smash their pretty heads together, maybe ending the night with a See No Evil eyeball pluck.

Now the important thig to know here is that I don’t feel this way out of romantic bitterness. I’m currently in a wonderful relationship (you know you’ve found a keeper when he treats you to a fresh copy of Santa With Muscles) but even at past times of heartbroken hurt, the contrivances of the genre made me more annoyed than upset. It’s the forced cuteness, the lazy wish fulfilment, the thinly veiled chauvenism so prevalent in romcoms that make me want to scream. 

Love Actually isn’t necessarily innocent on any of these counts. A cynic could easily tear apart virtually any of its dozen love stories to find flaws (all females being too pretty, TWO slightly backwards Cinderella stories, a prime minister with extremely confused priorities) and yet, like almost everyone I know, I actually love Love Actually.

Some reasons why:

1. Emma Thompson

Few actresses can deliver dry humor so well, but mostly, it’s the fact that woman deserves an Oscar just for the way she makes a bed

2. Airport Olympics

Way back in 2003, my friend and I were going to see a movie and had 20 minutes or so to kill. Like any responsible cineastes, we decided to sneak into another theater until ours opened. That theater turned out to be one hosting Love Actually, and the moment we entered, little Sam surged through the airport to say goodbye to the fellow 5th grader he loved. We knew nothing about this movie (remember it turned into quite the sleeper hit) but dangit, we were so sold on that one scene that we came back to see it the very next night.

3. Alan Rickman Speaking

That in itself is always a high point

4. The Poetry of Airport Arrivals

As much as security measures have tamed their emotional ease, I still agree with Hugh Grant’s opening narration that airports are a mecca of love and affection. The ‘real’ footage used of families and lovers finding one another with baggage never fails to wet my eyes.

5. Rated R

It’s not that we need raunchiness for a Christmas love story to work, but darn does it enhance the film’s humor! I’ve seen TV cuts overseas where the entire porn stand-in romance is simply edited out, and while it doesn’t kill the rest of the flow, the story is there for a reason, just as Natalie's penchant for using fowl language earns genuine laughs.

6. Bill Nighy’s Dance Moves

And also, everything that comes out of his mouth. Come to think about it, between Nighy, Rickman, and that old goat Liam Neeson, Love Actually is oozing with handsome middle-aged man candy

7. There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus

Duh

Inevitable Scroogish Low Points

I love Hugh Grant’s distracted world leader’s courtship of a tea girl as much s I love Colin Firth’s pursuit of a Portuguese maid. I just also wish--and here’s where the cynic pops up--that the film found some way to balance out the rich man/poor but pretty girl trope with a tad more feminine prowess

Between Aurelia’s sister and Natalie’s thighs, there is a strange and slightly mean level of chubby girl humor

Lessons Learned

January Jones is capable of showing some form of emotion. Who knew?

Britney Spears is rubbish in bed

One can learn how to play the drums in the same short amount of time it takes to learn rough conversational Portuguese 

Never ask for anything in England gift...wrapped

Stray Observation

I understand and accept that Love Actually is a British film and that we beat them in the Revolutionary War, but how much do they hate our country that they have to present the epitome of American beauty as Shannon Elizabeth sporting the worst southern accent since Jessica Simpson in Dukes of Hazard and even worse, her sister DENISE I HATE YOU RICHARDS as her...totally non-Southern sister. 

Love It Actually?
Look, I love this film, actually. It’s manipulative and gooey but you know...Hugh Grant dances while controlling a country. Emma Thompson makes a paper mache lobster costume for a nativity play. It’s a ridiculous and indulgent piece of sugar, but once a year, it makes me smile, cry, laugh, and realize I don’t hate romantic comedies: I just wish they were all as good as this one.


And now gear up the reindeer and hop on your sleigh! T.L. Bugg survived (I hope) Elle Fanning fighting Nazi rats with the help of Albert Einstein (seriously) and you should go make sure he's okay.

I'm Thankful For the Lightning House/Doll's Lair Thanksgiving Swap!

At the risk of sounding sappier than The Christmas Shoes, there are a lot of treasures that make me grateful this Thanksgiving season. Chief among them are some of the joys I get on a daily basis from blogging (or .comming, if you will) and chief among THAT (there's a very complicated hierarchy going on here) are the people I've met through this wacky activity called writing Internet reviews of horror films. Thusly is it my pleasure to revive the monthly(ish) movie swaps with one of my favorite bloggers and all around dudes, Zack of the Lightning Bug’s Lair. For the Bugg, I recommended the bizarre (and conveniently streaming) Bad Boy Bubby, while Zack went much more seasonally appropriate. In his words:

"When I think about Thanksgiving there's a few things that always spring to mind, jellied cranberry sauce, the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade (which I preferred to call the Macy's day parade when I was a kiddo), and Arlo Guthrie’s Alice's Restaurant. I was first introduced to Guthrie’s tale in song form when I was probably six or seven (the more explicit movie which Emily is looking at I didn’t see until later), and his story of a hippy Thanksgiving, the debacle of garbage disposal, and the draft, never fails to make me laugh. The same goes for the movie. While it does move slow in some parts, director Arthur Penn captured the spirit of the song, the somber mood among the hippies as the Sixties drew to a close, and an honest look at an era of protest that doesn’t seem all that distant now. So this Thanksgiving, I’m giving thanks for so many things, friends like Emily, my family, and all the people who support horror writing, but I also want to give thanks for Alice’s Restaurant where you can 
get anything you want (exceptin’ Alice). Happy Thanksgiving, folks. "

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Quick Plot: Arlo is a young musician with floppy anti-establishment hair but a pleasantly laid back demeanor. When he gets his draft card right square and center of the Vietnam War, he attempts to circumvent service with a college education. When that proves to be a bust, Arlo moves on to visit his friends Alice and Ray, a free-spirited couple opening up a restaurant in a deconsecrated church.

I can't tell you how many times I've walked by or through a decadent cathedral and imaged what a great performance/hangout space it would be. What I didn't know in all this fantasy decorating was that churches had to OFFICIALLY be un-holified in order for that to happen. Not being a Christian, this doesn't bother me from a soul safety point of view or anything, but I must say, doesn't the act itself seem rather, well, UNChristian? As if heathens can move into your architecture, but dangit if they get any leftover good vibes or vampire protection?

Moving on...

Actually, there aren't that many places to move on to. See, Alice's Restaurant is a film about hippies and if there's two things hippies don't generally care for, it's cops and barber shops. But if there's a third thing, then the third would be plot.

And that's kind of fine. This is not a film about growth or destination, but more a string of episodes that follow Arlo and his friends through biker races and Thanksgiving dinners, sort of like a much better version of George Romero’s Knight Riders only with less Renaissance Faire action. There’s minor tension regarding Arlo’s draft card, which ultimately culminates in a rather hilarious (and extremely Catch-22-esque) army physical complete with a giddy psychological exam and surly young M. Emmett Walsh. A subplot regarding Arlo’s recovering heroin addict pal raises some stakes, but the film never wants to commit to any real story or conflict. Since Arlo--not an actor by trade, but a likable presence onscreen--& co. are fun to watch, the movie is too.

Upon rewatching Harold and Maude a few weeks back, I was disappointed at how much I no longer liked the characters. They were selfish and destructive people who put others in harm’s way--or just extreme inconvenience--for no real reason other than that’s what they felt like doing. I worried that I’d feel the same way about Alice’s Restaurant, but I didn’t because these characters--none overly nice or revolutionary or special save for some musical talent--weren’t out to hurt the world. They simply had their own way of life and for the most part, it didn’t have the slightest bit to do with anyone else. When generations of friends sit down for Thanksgiving dinner, you take it as an imperfectly perfect moment for these people at this time. One year later, some might be fighting in Vietnam, others might be dead of an overdose or happily raising children conceived in a haze of pot smoke and burnt pumpkin pie air, but on this particular evening, life is about a good meal with your friends.

I’m sure there’s plenty more to the subtext of Alice’s Restaurant (and no, I’ve not plunged into the 18.5 minute song just yet) and maybe a few years from now, I’ll see Arthur Penn’s film in a very different light. Perhaps because of my current mood--it’s THANKSGIVING for goodness sake--I’m only looking for and at the happiness, of which there’s plenty. Having just seen Lars Von Trier’s Melancholia, I don’t need a depressing tale about how ugly the world we live in really is. Not when there are musical interludes and soft satire, free dessert and blind judges. Yes, there’s also unhappy marriage and drug addiction, but the smell of sweet potatoes can cover a whole lot if you’re hungry.

High Points

Alice's Restaurant is a genuinely funny film, often from Guthrie's exaggerated (yet still dry) narration contrasting with the rather calm onscreen action. What keeps it refreshing--at least to me--is that the humor never feels overly mean or anti-establishment for the sake of hating the establishment. 

Your enjoyment of this film will depend in big part on how you feel about folk music. I dig it, so I dug the film and all of its ‘let’s sit back and sing’ moments, but if that type of thing ain’t your cup of cocoa, then you might want to try different brew

Low Points

For the first half or so of the film, we see Arlo spurn the advances of several attractive women, usually with good reason (like the lasses being 14) but also with such detachment that we start to wonder if he's simply asexual. And then a pretty but not overly interesting young lady shows up and it seems to be love. It would have been nice to know what it was about this particular love interest that made Arlo care.

Lessons Learned

Girdles feel funny

Weddings are way more kickass when top hats and blue velvet are invited

There was an awful lot to dig in the 70s

When free food is on the line, a hippie will do almost anything

Town dumps are generally closed on Thanksgiving

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’m not overly familiar with all the backstory involved in the making and reception of Alice’s Restaurant (and that includes the 18 1/2 minute song it’s based on, because if I still haven’t watched the 3 hour Saving Private Ryan, where am I going to find time to listen to an 18 minute song?) but I think the film holds up regardless as both a strangely sweet portrait of friendship, dryly funny satire on the draft, and hauntingly subtle tale of unhappiness. I have the feeling this is a film that will deepen for me with time, one that might mean something different to me five or ten years from now than it did upon first viewing. Time will tell, and I look forward to it.

Don’t forget to hear Zack’s take on Bad Boy Bubby at The Lightning Bug’s Lair, complete with my lawyer talk argument for why it’s kinda sorta almost a little bit a Thanksgiving film. Ride the kangaroo on over!