But I Just Got Here

I'm not sure when this changed, but at some point over the last 20 years, big studios stopped making grown-up but mainstream horror. I'm talking your What Lies Beneaths and Sixth Senses, the movies that spark obnoxious arguments about the 100 years war between the definitions of horror and thriller. Sometimes good, often bland, these are the kind of mid-budget movies with movie stars' faces blown up on their poster. Typically, it's the only opportunity to do wild things like pair up Robert Dinero with Dakota Fanning's imaginary friend, or chase Kim Basinger as she watches Christina Ricci's head fall off in the NYC subway.

Stir of Echoes (a good movie that infamously flopped due to its release proximity to the much more audience-friendly aforementioned Sixth Sense) was this kind of film, so it makes perfect sense that its director David Koepp would return with similar fare.

Quick Plot: Theo Conroy is a retired financial whiz married to the significantly younger actress Susannah and feeling every day of their age gap, though they make it work for 6-year-old daughter Ella. Between self-help tapes and humbling set visits, Theo also works through some demons from his past: his first wife's death was enough of a mystery that it put him on trial for murder, and that plus some extra years can complicate a sex life or two.

Their past behind them, the Conroys head to Wales for a quiet getaway before Susannah leaves for her next film shoot. Both parents experience disturbing nightmares (well, horrific dead children for Theo, forgetting her lines onstage for Susannah) and do the smart Insidious-learned lesson of getting the hell out.

Well, they try. An ill-timed text message sends Susannah on her way and Theo and Ella left to brave one last night in the strange rental. Once they discover the interior is somehow bigger than the exterior, doors start closing and the terror unfolds.

Based on a novel by Daniel Kehlmann, David Koepp's You Should Have Left feels very tonally connected to his last horror outing with Kevin Bacon, Stir of Echoes. It has the feel of, how do I say it, a  'real' movie (if you're a horror fan, I THINK you know what I mean?) but at its heart, it's a good old fashioned ghost story that belongs on the same shelf as, say, The Changeling.

No, I'm not saying You Should Have Left is on that level, but it has its moments. Like Stir of Echoes, it finds a new angle into familiar genre territory and understands the importance of grounding it in believable, likable people. I was never quite as scared as I wanted to be, but I was also never bored. This is a solid, if unremarkable little ghost story that plays with just enough surprises to make you wish for just a few more.

High Points
Kevin Bacon and Amanda Seyfried are movie stars for good reason. They're, you know, VERY GOOD at being compelling. We as the audience enter into this setup with our defences up: mainstream cast, wild Hollywood age gap, PG-13 rating. It's not a natural sell, but by golly, they (and strong child actor Avery Tiiu Essex) make it work

Low Points
While I love the fundamental nature of You Should Have Left's menace, a fifth act reveal by Theo feels a bit of a letdown and perhaps most where the more mainstream-yness comes in

Lessons Learned
Wales does not have sufficient olive bars

Old men should always remember sunblock

To better prepare a west coast child for cold weather, make sure she spends some time in Chicago

Rent/Bury/Buy
Based on its online reputation, I was pleasantly surprised with You Should Have Left. Granted, I'm a mark for any story that calls to mind Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves and have nursed a lifelong crush on Kevin Bacon ever since he pole vaulted over some Tremors, but I still think this film will please more genre fans than not. Find it on Peacock. 

Camp Bacon

Is They/Them the cleverest titled slasher film of all time? If your first instinct is a shrug, let me remind you that it's pronounced "They Slash Them" and now, I see you nodding, and indeed, we are one. 

Quick Plot: Welcome to Whistler Camp, a scenic but horrid place where LGBTQ+ teens are subjected to conversion therapy. They attend willingly...to an extent. Some of the kids genuinely want to be "cured", while others have been threatened by their parents if they don't comply. While the staff initially presents themselves as not the worst human beings in the world, that's soon revealed to be a ruse.

Not surprisingly, camp director Owen is the worst. Returning to summer woods after 42 years, many degrees, and still no Oscar nominations, Kevin Bacon leads a small batch of well-meaning sadists to teach the females how to bake and the males how to shoot. Nonbinary camper Jordan observes the action carefully, hoping to get through the week to be legally emancipated from their parents while helping a few fellow campers along the way. 

If they survive, of course.

It's summer, it's camp, and there are attractive teens in spades. Naturally, that means we've also got a masked killer slashing through the cabins. Of course, that might feel like a relief when the planned activity in the next cabin over is electro-shock treatment.

They/Them is the directorial debut of veteran screenwriter John Logan, whose diverse credits range from 1999's Bats to Oscar nominated films like Gladiator and Hugo. That is indeed what we call range.

It's hard to go too far into discussing They/Them without spoiling its reveal, though I'd be surprised if most horror fans don't clock it as soon as the carnage starts. I'll dance around the details, but if you prefer to go into a movie fully unspoiled, stop here.

They/Them is a well-made movie: the dialogue is clever, the cast is dynamic (and diverse in more ways than one), the visuals are executed quite well. As a film, it's enjoyable. But if you came here for a horror film, you'll likely be disappointed. 

As you might guess, the real horror of They/Them is less an axe-wielding maniac and more Bible-thumping bigots. That makes for a triumphant tale that lets you cheer, but also, you know, not an actual scary slasher. It's exciting to watch talented young actors who would normally be designated to early canon fodder get a full space to shine and SPOILER ALERT not be brutally murdered. But also, since all of the victims are the villains, the fear factor erodes pretty quickly.

The experience brings me back to an important day in my own childhood. I was about seven years old when my family rented Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (this was not an unusual occurrence in the Intravia household). If you recall, this is the first installment in the franchise where children are actually enrolled in Camp Crystal Lake, which should have amped up the impending doom. Instead, it completely killed the terror of Jason Voohrees because that film establishes an important rule: Jason doesn't kill kids.

This devastated first grade me.

How could I ever watch another Friday film knowing I was safe? What was the point? Chucky wanted to possess a kid my age, Poltergeist kidnapped a little girl and allowed a clown doll to strangler her brother. Cat's Eye had me convinced the only thing protecting me at night was the family cat. We identify with horror when we feel in danger, but when Jason showed us the lines he wouldn't cross, the tension is off the kiddie table. 

All this is to say that a key part of many horror films is connecting the audience to the victims, establishing that line of empathy that reminds viewers that were they living in the world on camera, they would be in grave danger. When a genre film toys with that rule, it can certainly still be valid, but it ultimately turns us into distant spectators. Justice might be served, but this slasher doesn't do its job.

High Points

It would have been very easy to introduce the staff of Whistler Camp as immediate monsters, but Logan's script (and especially Bacon's performance) offers them just enough nuance to be more interestingly human

Low Points

See the aforementioned explanation of how this doesn't feel like the kind of horror film it wants to embrace

Lessons Learned

Knowing your Sondheim doesn't make you an ally

Rich kids drink dirty martinis

Never trust a groundskeeper with a ventriloquist dummy collection (actually, never trust ANYONE with a ventriloquist dummy collection)

Rent/Bury/Buy

They/Them is admirable in a lot of ways, and I certainly had a good time watching it. But you do have to go in knowing you're not actually getting a camp slasher designed to scare. Have at it on Peacock. 

Nah, I'm Just a Worm

There's a whole lot to love about Tremors. Big hungry worms. An adorable bromance. Kevin Bacon's feathered locks. Pole vaulting. Reba McEntire. The fact that it's an easy go-to when defending '90s horror as having at least SOME merit.

As for the sequels, I know not much about them. I watched Part 2 back in the days of VHS and all I remember was the lack of the Bacon. As with breakfast buffets or cobb salads, that's usually a bad thing.

Parts 3 & 4 were apparently made for the SyFy Channel before it got hip with the Ys. Now you might call me a wild one for daring to jump ahead to the last film without the continuity of its predecessors, but guess what? There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you COULDN’T understand. Things...you shouldn't understand. 

I’m a loner. A rebel. You know the rest.

Wait, where was I? Right, see, Tremors 4 is actually a prequel set in the old west and co-starring Billy '7 Mummies' Drago, a fact that results in the following:

1. I can skip parts 2 & 3
2. I must watch this movie

Quick Plot: Welcome to Rejection, population: dwindling. When 17 miners are mysteriously (and savagely) killed, only a handful of townsfolk remain. Among them are Juan, a hard-working Mexican with dreams of owning a range, Christine, a spunky redheaded innkeeper, the Changs, Chinese immigrants turned general store owners, and Tecopa, a Native American. There might have been a few more pieces of fodder--er, characters, but let's answer the question that's really burning your bottom:

Michael Gross (he to the Tremors-verse what Brad Dourif is to Child’s Playland or Costas Mandylor is to the Saw movies) is top-billed and yet, you say, this film is set a good 70 years or so before the birth of his franchise character, Burt Gummer, the gun-loving trucker-hat wearing country boy so handy with a firearm. Taking a note from Back to the Future, Tremors 4 casts Gross as Hiram, the great great (maybe still great, I'm bad with numbers) granpaw of our modern hero. 

A good deal of humor comes from Gross's portrayal of his previous character's exact opposite: Hiram is a prissy, sheltered investor raised with a silver spoon shoved so far in it reaches his prim mustache. Those who know the series will be amused by his mannerisms, chuckling at how he holds a gun as if he were Denise Richards trying to figure out how to open a dictionary.

But as much as we love Mr. Keating, the reason to watch any Tremors film is a little less complex: carnivorous worms! On that front, Tremors 4 is...okay. It’s refreshing that the creatures are done with practical effects (though some gooey splatter bares the mark of SyFy quality CGI) and the film adds some fun by playing with the size and age of the creatures. We came for the worms, we get the worms, and while they’re not spectacular, they’re still worms. 

Speaking of worms, Billy Drago shows up! The genre movie slummer gives a fun turn as

a sharp shooter hired to fight the tremors and teach Hiram how to handle a pistol. It’s amusing.

And ‘amusing’ is pretty much the best way to sum up Tremors 4. Does it capture the energy of the first film? No, but that’s a juggernaut too special to be repeated on a straight-to-Sci-Fi-Channel original. Still, the movie is a good time in a bag-o-microwave-popcorn kind of way, and sometimes, that’s the snack we need.

High Points

You have to love any film that begins with a clean decapitation played for gentle laughs

Low Points

MINOR SPOILERS

Tremors has never been a mean franchise--in a way, it’s almost like the Brendan Fraser of horror comedy--and therefore, once we reach a point a good 30 minutes from the end where the only characters left alive are the friendly batch of townspeople with big dreams, it’s pretty obvious that none of them will be wormed

Lessons Learned

No one goes without a hat in China

Naming your town ‘Rejection’ ain’t such a bright idea

Rich people are always fat. Even if you think ‘hey, he’s rich and rather slim,’ you’ll probably learn that said he has actually lost all his fortune and is therefore not required to be fat

Rent/Bury/Buy

Tremors 4 is a good-hearted TV-PG rated monster film, one fit for a busy Sunday afternoon filled with sorting laundry or making your office lunch for the rest of the week. It’s not an overly exciting time, but hey, it has a nice spirit about it and offers plenty of wry smiles for those who love a good worming.

Marcia Marcia Marcia!

It must be hard to be the ugly twin. Humans are insecure enough without the constant reminder that someone with all the same potential is using it in a better way. Likewise, Hollywood is often prone to birthing a pair of fraternal films that share a unique or timely concept. Because us audiences are generally unable to tell Bill Paxton apart from Bill Pullman, the very idea of similarly plotted films often feels cruel and intolerable, thus dooming one to certain box office death. We’ve seen it in the art houses when the mighty Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Capote slew poor little Toby Jones’ Infamous. and we’ll soon be served with two dueling helpings of Sherlock Holmes. In terms of genre cinema, here are a few examples of double features and some thoughts on how time has aged them.

1996: Independence Day / Mars Attacks

Connection: hostile aliens, ensemble casts, big budget

With the economy booming and humans enjoying themselves way too much on that new toy called the Internet, the film gods looked upon us and decided the world needed a serious beatdown. Aliens of all sizes were lining up to do some damage and while I hate to project a stereotype on any species, everybody knows that extraterrestrials do not respect the rules of the queue. The long-legged villains of Roland Emmerich’s Independence Day naturally took the lead over Tim Burton’s goofy little bobbleheads by premiering on its namesake holiday (hear that, Rob Zombie?). The July 4th opening famously cemented Will Smith’s Uncle Sammish reign over the start of summer, while Mars Attacks thudded into the Christmas Season. Whoulda thunk seeing the world vaporized by country music hating bug-eyed gremlins wouldn’t be popular with the mall-going December crowd? 

13 years later... While Independence Day has racked up its share of well-deserved criticism (golden retrievers with great timing, Harvey Fierstein's gravely whining, and an advanced inter-galaxy traveling species without Norton Anti-virus protection are just the start), the effects have aged decently enough and the initial attack still feels appropriately exciting to a popcorn munching, belief suspending viewer. Modern viewers are justified in scoffing at the faux nationalistic spirit and hokey pro-America attitude, but the rash of big dumb action flicks it has since inspired look and sound so much worse, it’s hard to claim Independence Day has aged poorly. Similarly, Mars Attacks remains a polarizing film, respected by some as a clever piece of pop art lampooning B-movies and hated by others as an overlong and overloud slog far less entertaining than it thinks it is. All in all, history and now remain in sync. 

Sixth Sense / Stir of Echoes

Connection: ghosts, haunted little boys, working class

1999 was a fantastic year for movies, so it’s natural that a few merely good ones might slip through the cracks. David Koepp’s Stir of Echoes, a surprisingly effective--if not overwhelmingly awesome--ghost story was thus doomed by its release date and four little whispered words: “I see dead people.” Talk about bad luck. M. Knight Shayamalan’s blockbuster juggernaut changed the nature of twist endings and helped--briefly--to restore some mainstream cred to scary cinema. It packed astonishing performances, oozy atmosphere, and one of the biggest shocks of its time. Stir of Echoes, on the other hand, was a solid little thriller aided by its blue collar setting and Kevin Baconness, yet limited by a familiar plot and Law & Order: SVU ish resolution. 

10 years later... While it’s certainly true that M. Knight can’t brag about spawning a Rob Lowe starring sequel, The Sixth Sense remains an admirable film that lives up to its hype. Despite the well-deserved backlash against the director’s later works and the fact that everybody and their kittens knows the twist, some memorable scenes--such as Cole's offscreen tussle with a servant in a friend's attic--still provide genuine chills. Stir of Echoes now gets the obligatory "Oh yeah, that was a good one" nod from later viewers. It certainly holds up as an effective thriller and makes for a decent night's viewing, but it remains a humble pearl in a year of gems.

Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors  /Bad Dreams

Connection: See below

It’s not surprising that a studio would want to market its film to subconsciously remind audiences of the most sucessful franchise of the 80s, but it sure is unfortunate that a haunting and well-acted thriller like 1988’s Bad Dreams (yes, your thesaurus is correct in noting that those words are a synonym for ‘nightmare’) would be dismissed as a quick cash-in to Freddy Krueger’s third and, according to many, best outing into Springwood. Really, the similarities between the films are surface level...it just happens that the surface is really thick:

-Both are set in the psychiatric wing of a laxly run mental asylum and focus on a diverse group of unstable patients

-Both share a middle aged male villain who died by fire and now wears some badass burns

-Both feature an elaborate collection of insanely creative deaths wrongly dubbed as suicides

-Both star Jennifer Rubin

You can see how an theater patron might get confused and ultimately choose the more familiar, if much wordier, title. And they did.

21 years later...Most fans of Freddy still contend that the Frank Darabont co-penned Part 3 is heads (perhaps even pizza topping heads) above other 6 sequels). At the same time, Bad Dreams continues to slowly win approval from late blooming DVD renters. Once removed from its Krueger connection--especially since, despite its title, there are no actual rapid eye movement set scenes--Bad Dreams does stand on its own as a solid 80s entry into the horror world. 

The Zombie Diaries / Diary of the Dead

Connection: title, downbeat ending, found footage device

The word 'diary' is associated more with a fourteen year old girl than gruesome flesh eater (I'm waiting for a truly sick combination of the two, by the way). In 2008, however, video journals were all the rage in the zombie genre. George Romero's pseudo guerilla style documentary hogged the theatrical attention, receiving a fair amount of critical praise but loads of hatred from the general horror community. Michael Bartlett and Kevin Gates’s British anthology, The Zombie Diaries, on the other hand, found its audience a month or year or two later (all depending on which country you call home) on DVD, where podcasts, blogs, and other webbish forms of communication spread that this was in fact one of the best zombie films in years. 

One year later...It's too soon to really call a winner here, but history is already warming up to favor The Zombie Diaries over the far too dated Diary of the Dead (even the Myspace reference feels like a relic a mere year later). Then again, when both films utilized a filming style that had and has since reared its shaky head in Cloverfield, REC, Quarantine, District 9, our sensitive stomachs can only wait and see what the world will make of home movie horror.  

I'm sure there is a shoe closet full of other pairs I'm forgetting, so add below and declare your winners.

The Truest Test of Endurance

.Last week, I considered the lack of obesity in horror films. Despite their tendencies to consume heavy amounts of calorie laden beer and hungry inspiring drugs, most victims in standard releases still maintain a striking physical resemblance to catalog models. At the same time--and much more realistically--most lack the endurance to last long against giant madmen, black magic enhanced hunters, or highly infectious carnivores. 

Hence, this week I look at a few films that cleverly cast characters with the physical aptitude to fight off your typical horror villains. Not all survive and not all the films are any good, but each deserves a little credit for amassing some worthy warriors. 

Mulberry Street

This surprisingly good After Dark series entry brings the fast vampiric zombie sub-genre into the streets of Manhattan. Not the most revolutionary premise, but Mulberry Street does earn some innovative points for the diversity--both in age and ethnicity--of its featured cast. Middle aged immigrants, elderly hermits, and a few believable teens make a refreshingly real cast, but it’s the skillful integration of physical fitness into everyday New Yorkers that gives some impressive action. Credit goes to writers Nick Damici and Jim Mickle for finding creative ways to smoothly squeeze athletic characters into the story. A retired boxer, recent Iraq war veteran, and beefy bouncer can hold their own against rat-bitten barflies. And while it’s always fun to watch regular folks torn apart by infected cannibals, seeing the victims put up a kickass fight is far more rewarding.

Jeepers Creepers 2

Dead teenager films are more common than me getting angry at Emmy snubs, but rarely do the adolescent victim bodies prove to be worth more than their Gap provided wardrobe. Victor Salva’s followup to the surprisingly spry Jeepers Creepers strands a busload of high school basketball players and the least perky cheerleading squad in cinema history on a dusty mountain road, where a very hungry monster is busy cramming in his supper before a 23 year hibernation. While the premise sets up the possibility of teamwork and game plans, the endgame is far less interesting as the kids would rather squabble with thinly veiled racism than apply court lessons to a man-eating creature. 

Tremors

Don’t let the fluffy haired era of Kevin Bacon’s early career fool you. Whether it’s a strict Baptist city council or the power of Meryl Streep, America’s most ubiquitous actor is a force to be reckoned with. When backed by NRA poster couple Michael Gross and Reba MacEntire, Alcatraz ex-con Fred Ward, and surprisingly adept practical pole vaulter Finn Carter, gigantic prehistoric earthworms don’t stand a chance. 

Dog Soldiers, The Descent, Doomsday

Does Neil Marshall get partial financing from Bally’s Total Fitness or that guy outside my subway that hands out postcards every morning for a three week bootcamp? From highly trained soldiers to fully ripped spelunkers to plague surviving action heroes, each of his genre films has featured a fully fit cast ready to fight back against any threat, whether it comes in the form of werewolves, cavemen, or cannibalistic punks. Sure, the body count is high in all three films, but nobody goes down without first inflicting serious damage. 

Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4

When it comes to teenagers, Freddy Krueger has predictable tastes. He likes ‘em young, pretty, and generally ectomorphic. Occasionally, he takes a break from Seventeencover girls and slim pretty boys to hunt tougher prey, such as the dive team champ of Part 5. In Renny Harlin’s fourth installment, Freddy hits the gym and zeros in on some of the fittest adolescents ever seen in 1990s cinema. There’s the muscleman Kincaid, whose clearly been bulking up after nearly losing his life in Part 3, and a karate kid wannabe with a sadly inadequate training regime, plus a Kafka-esque kill which I regularly use to justify my aversion to toning. Sure, Freddy also cheats his diet a bit to eat some pizza and a few weaker pickings (like the asthmatic science nerd and 90 pound weakling that can’t even beat up a water bed), but all that filler ultimately leads up to a showdown with a physically/mentally/spiritually empowered wallflower who finds her inner Karate Kid Part III. Hilary Swank salutes you.

Resident Evil

Some filmgoers can only watch so many decaying corpses feed on helpless living creatures before it just gets old. In this era of Z-Day Awareness, we horror fans want our living dead to be challenged and our survivors to be smart. Thankfully, Raccoon City is fully equipped with resourceful SWAT teams able to navigate (somewhat) Cube-esque slicing traps and hordes of hungry zombies. By the sequel, heroine Alice gets enough biogenetic enhancements to conquer a newly bred man-beast with power that would make Mark Maguire strike out with envy. The third film does one better by turning Alice into such a machine that no fast running flesh eater or post-apocalyptic hillbilly stands a chance. More importantly, Alice gets her own posse in the form of a battle scarred caravan. None are particularly badass (nor is the film particularly good), but at least they fight well enough to convince us why they’ve survived a few rounds of good old fashioned noshing.

So hit the gym, drink your protein shakes, and add a few of your own well-trained horror casts that make those bad guys work for their dinner.