My Valentine? A Horror Anthology of Course!

Like many a horror fan whose genre life was crafted in the 1980s, I have an automatic affection for the anthology. Hence, when my pal and Fozzie Bare (he of the fine Walking Dead/True Blood/Other Stuff podcast Fozzie & Tina) recommended one that I’d NEVER HEARD OF streaming on Netflix Instant, I was there before you could say ‘killer doll segment.’

And then, Christmas repeated itself in January when I learned that not only does Screamtime include a violent puppet chapter, it ALSO boasts a KILLER GARDEN GNOME STORY. 

Yes, I played the lotto that day. 

Quick Plot: Like most anthologies, we begin with a wraparound. Unlike most anthologies, this one is superior to almost everything that’s ever happened in the world as we know it.

A pair of New Yawkahs slips into a video store. Despite the VERY tempting poster for The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas, the fellas instead swipe a trio of VHS tapes, hop on the R train, and barge into one of their gal pal’s apartment’s because “we just wanna watch some mooovies!” 

So they do.

The first segment follows a British puppeteer with an unsupportive wife and delinquent stepson. As you can probably guess, his Punch doll takes matters into his own tiny wooden hands with a giant wooden paddle. It’s both adorable and slightly creepy, especially since Punch makes some strange chomping giggle noises as he beats his enemies to death. 

Story 2 is surprisingly eerie, as a young married couple get torn apart by the wife’s strange visions of a bloody massacre. To say more begins to spoil the twist (a typical trope of any anthology segment), but the segment has some decently staged jump scares, as well as some kickass oversized glasses and a wonderfully mod Twister-like comforter that kept me distracted any time our characters were under the covers.

The final tale is about a down on his luck young man who takes a gardening job with a pair of wealthy but kooky old ladies. Just as the story begins to drag, The Greatest Thing Ever takes place: our villainous thief of a main character gets attacked by a little person dressed like a garden gnome.

At this point, I obviously did what any rightminded movie-lover would do: paused Screamtime to rate it 5 stars on Netflix, and then resumed to watch the conclusion of the brilliantly out of place wraparound. I was not disappointed.

Screamtime is surprisingly mysterious when it comes to research. The film is credited to director “Al Beresford,” though IMDB lists its makers as Stanley A. Long and Michael Mark of the Devil Armstrong. I don’t know who handled which story, but there’s clearly a divide between the fairly professional feeling segments (all British) and the wonderfully hilarious New Yawk framing device. It’s possible that the segments were abbreviated full-length films or aborted television pilots, and it’s probable that the wraparound was smacked on the finished project during someone’s lunch break. The result is uneven (particularly following the well-executed second story) but overall, more enjoyable than a whole lot of straight to video purgatory genre films made during the ‘80s. 

I don’t JUST say that because stuff like this happens:

Okay, *maybe* that has SOMETHING to do with my possibly unreasonable love for this film, but what can a doll-fearing, anthology loving, shortie-embracing blogger say?

High Points

I do mean it when I say that the second story is GENUINELY a good little horror story

Low Points

It ultimately doesn’t matter because it has GARDEN GNOMES COMING TO LIFE IN THE FORM OF AN ANGRY LITTLE PERSON IN A POINTY HAT, but for some time, the third story drags

Lessons Learned

British bystanders are the least helpful

You can tell a movie is British by the way they talk (or tawk)

Nervous breakdowns are very sad

Random Burst of Meta Commentary

A radio program playing during one of the stories makes a passing reference to Mary Whitehouse, that uninformed beacon of misplaced good intentions who foolishly crusaded against the Video Nasties of the 1980s

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’m not quite sure I’d never heard of Screamtime, but darnit am I glad I did now! The film is currently streaming on Instant Watch, and at just 90 minutes long, it’s a pretty fun way to buzz through an evening. Especially when you consider the tragic rarity of garden gnome horror movies.

I like my plague the way I like my coffee/men: black & Beany. Um...

Ever since I stayed up late four weeknights in the 6th grade to watch ABC’s adaptation of The Stand, I’ve had something you might call ‘a thing’ for plagues. Whether it’s a movie like Carriers or a novel like Blindness, the idea of infection sparing no one is just such a ripe and rich premise for any horror film.

Toss in the word bubonic--easily one of my favorites--and  you’ve got the ingredients for one kicking movie. Oh, and did I mention Christopher Triangle Smith is behind the camera?

Yes, you could easily say my expectations for Black Death was about as high as the body count of the actual Black Death.

Quick Plot: It’s 1348, a great time for rats, mead, and long hair but a crappy time for life expectancy. A deadly sickness is tearing through Europe leaving nothing but paranoid Christians and rotting corpses in its path. 

Enter Oswald, a young monk torn between his village love and his word to God. Fearing the worst, he sends his girlfriend home to the woods where she plans to wait for him every morning as he decides where his true heart lies. 

A sign comes in the form of the rarely shampooed Sean Bean playing Ulric, a knight leading a tribe of Christian mercenaries into the woods to capture a rumored necromancer. As they venture deeper into the wild, they encounter violent savages and eventually, Black Book’s lovely Carice van Houten’s Langiva, a mysterious beauty lording over a gang of pagans.

Christopher Smith has one of the most impressive resumes of any genre filmmaker working today, so the idea of putting one of my favorite film premises in his hands is beyond exciting. In a way, unless Black Death met Wizard of Oz standards, it was probably never going to truly be as good as I wanted it to be.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t like Black Death. It had body boils, angry mobs, David Warner, a bleak ending and Sean Bean snarling. Of COURSE I enjoyed the movie. But coming from the man who made a beautiful day of sailing into a time warping horror complete with a baghead killer, Black Death fell a tad short of being the bubonic bonanza I was hoping for. 

High Points

One of the interesting aspects of any film set pre-1700 is the necessary lack of firearms. Black Death gives us a great moment of dialogue where the young monk learns from a grizzled knight about the mercy knife and how a carefully placed stab wound serves as the medieval headshot for merciful killings

SPOILERS

I drifted off a bit from Black Death during its somewhat disappointing third act, but I found the epilogue to be absolutely great. Having Oswald, our young and lovelorn hero, 

transform into a dark witch-hunting murderer (with Episode 2 Anakin Skywalker hair to boot) was devastatingly brilliant, making it a spiritual prequel to films like Mark of the Devil and Witchfinder General

The only good thing I was ever able to say about the awful Hitcher remake was that hey, at least the truck stretch out was cool. So it’s kind of neat that Black Death, another Sean Bean vehicle, gets to do the limb pulling, period style


THUS ENDETH SPOILERS

Low Points

While some of the sound design is haunting (ew death gurgles!) I find it hard to believe that every time sword moves it makes that slicey sound

There’s a fantastic shot when one of Ullric’s men is crucified by the pagans, as Smith’s camera follows him face-on in a frenetic Wicker Man-like final prayer. The problem is that this type of moment is far too rare. With a hauntingly fogged landscape and some set pieces that speak for themselves (hooded executioners marching on, corpses a’plenty) it’s kind of a shame that Black Death doesn’t feel truly immersed in the natural madness like, say, Vinyan or Aguire: The Wrath of God.

Lessons Learned

Christians appreciate the concept of betrayal

The longbow is quicker to load AND farther in flight. Take THAT buck of tar!

It’s indeed possible to smell a lie on a man

As Red Riding Hood taught us well, eye makeup was never more lovely than during pre-Industrial Revolution times

The Winning Line

“I look forward to shagging your mother’s ass in hell”

Who knew medieval times were filled with such great trash mama talk!

Rent/Bury/Buy

Black Death is certainly worth a lights-off watch, particularly since it’s currently streaming on Instant Watch. My slight disappointment probably stems more from the fact that I just watched Werner Herzog’s drop dead gorgeous Nosferatu (review coming soon) and was slightly spoiled by his masterful use of medieval times, plagues, and European forestry. So Black Death ain’t Nosferatu, but it’s still an engrossing period horror refreshing for our age.

And one day, you too shall be a great witchhunter!

Ever watch a film that in no way embodies its reputation? You see a title like “Mark of the Devil,” spot Udo Kier in the cast, and knowingly eye the cover art featuring a pretty blond having her tongue cut out. Internet research reveals this was advertised with a William Castle-ish campaign complete with complimentary barf bags with every ticket purchase. If you’re like me, you pretty much assume the next 90 minutes will be spent with cheap period costumed bosoms, lots of burnings at the stake and eventually, silly dallyings with Satan himself.

You know what they say about assuming.

Quick Plot: In the 18th century (or so), priestly witch hunters devote their lives (or more fittingly, the lives of a whole lot of unlucky villagers) to purging the lands of the devil, mostly by imprisoning random citizens and inflicting ungodly methods of torture until they nod blankly at the suggestion of working for the devil, only to then be beheaded in front of TV-less townspeople who love a good show. 

This particular cleansing occurs in a regular old European town ruled by Albino, a scarred and cruel man who resembles a period-era Geoffrey Rush after being left out in the sun for too long. Like most witch hunters, Albino uses his power to randomly execute locals to suit his needs, even having the jerkitude to accuse a nice young bar wench for spurning his oily advances. Things seem to look brighter at the arrival of Lord Cumberland, the world’s most revered and feared enemy of Satan, and his fluffy assistant (Udo Kier! dubbed). 

Too bad ‘better’ lasts as far as slapping the smarm out of Albino before then returning to even crueler methods of torture.

Although nun tongues are severed, limbs stretched, and bodies burned at the stake, Mark of the Devil is hardly trashy exploitation. The production values are top notch, with gorgeous cinematography that paints a postcard-like landscape and kinetic camerawork that plays with perspective. A few background searches (plus gloriously Kierish special features) reveal a rather tumultuous filming process, with a director replacement and constant script revisions. Am I crazy for not seeing this?

What I’m trying to say is Mark of the Devil is a genuinely fine film. Hammer quality history with more discipline and patience, plus the rather nihilistic nerve to end in a frustrating, yet fitting way that defies your general expectations. 

High Points

In a film seeped with seriousness, a side story involving confused executioners and impressive marionettes is a hilarious and welcome diversion

Have there ever been such memorable faces sharing the screen as the executioner and indictment writer? These mugs could make roses wilt

Low Points

For a movie that wore its grisliness on a promotional barf bag, the final revolt is disappointingly tame

Lessons Learned

Rabbits don’t eat meat, but they do make fairly adorable marionettes

In order to avoid being accused of mating with Satan, avoid being rich, pretty, or good with puppets

In the 18th century, the only cure for impotence was rape

Rent/Bury/Buy

Perhaps my expectations were simply in the minor leagues, but Mark of the Devil felt like a genuine all-star film, odd considering its troubled history, dual directorship and dubbed awkwardness. Some of the camerawork is truly innovative and the story keeps you intrigued throughout the brisk 100 minute running time. Blue Underground put out a top notch DVD complete with a very frank commentary and a basketful of interviews with the cast (including a hilarious Udo Kier). It’s an easy rental with possible buy potential.