Hello Mary Lou! It's...Urban Legends 3

As we begin the welcome process of closing down 2020, it's nice to think back to the handful of good things this year of horrors has brought us. Among them...um...my antibodies? 

Oh, and on a personal note, my rediscovery of Urban Legend and first time enjoyment of its sequels.

Quick Plot: It's prom night, 1969, and shy Mary has snagged herself a popular jock as her date. Strings are attached, as it turns out said gentleman caller and his pals are really just out to roofie a few unsuspecting seniors via some laced punch. Mary ends up dead, though if you say her name three times, you just might flash forward to 2005's Sam (a young Kate Mara), regaling her slumber party pals with some urban legend tales involving poor Bloody Mary, trapped forever in a locked treasure chest.

Turns out, Mary has been waiting 35 years to come back for her revenge, doling it out creatively on the teenage offspring of all her former classmates responsible for her fate. We've got a Final Destination 3-esque tanning bed demise, CGI spider eggs disguised as a pimple, death-by-peeing-on-an-electrical fence, and more. 

The Final Destination 3 similarities don't end there: any specific connection to the first two Urban Legend films is essentially brushed away by a "hey! I found this article on the internet about other urban legend-inspired killings." I suppose you could count the more uncomfortable ties as well: as in the first Urban Legend, a dog is killed (part 2 was kind enough to only do so in its movie within the movie) and as with Loretta Divine's Reese, the film's only black character can easily be charmed by complimenting her on her resemblance to Foxy Brown.

Directed by Pet Sematary (and Pet Sematary 2)'s Mary Lambert, Bloody Mary is clearly itself a fan of the horror genre. That's not surprising when you see that the script was cowritten by Krampus/Trick 'r Treat's Michael Dougherty. It shares some DNA of the post-Scream self-aware dead teenager flick, but also has some deep affection for older films, particularly the glorious Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II. 

The early aughts were a weird time for pop horror. Scream-infused slashers were slowly dying away, while The Ring's success made J-Horror the hot new style. Saw would burst onto the scene in 2004, bringing with it a whole new movement in nihilism and gore. Landing on DVD in 2005, Blood Mary feels in some ways like a carefully blended combination of these styles. There's dated CGI attempting bordering on silly, a ghostly dark-haired girl showing up to make faces, and a batch of beautiful young white people awaiting a truly horrid fate. 

That sounds kind of terrible, but when put together with just the right touch, it's a weirdly dumb good time.

High Points

While it's a little inconsistent, the overall tone of Bloody Mary feels just right. Teenagers are dying in bizarre and brutal ways, but, well, most of them are kind of awful to begin with, and Lambert's touch feels like it carries just the right weight to make the deaths land in decent taste (yes, I realize I'm saying high school students being burned to death in tanning beds or castrated by electric fences is tasteful, but some of you know what I mean)

Low Points

There's really only one relationship with any real heart, and that's Sam and her brother David. While it's refreshing to have a genuinely loving sibling bond, it also makes the ending and lack of, well, dealing with a key aspect of the ending rather unsatisfying

Lessons Learned

The most effective morning beauty routine involves wearing a perfectly matched Victoria's Secret bra and panties set and slipping into high heels before putting on your makeup

Complete confidence means nothing if your mom's a dirty alcoholic

Being isolated from your pals after watching your frenemies murdered will do wonders for the health of your hair

Look! It's- 

Pre-"I didn't even want to be in the Nightmare On Elm Street remake" Rooney Mara, Kate's little, now more famous sister as "Classroom Girl #1." Naturally, I got very distracted from the plot of Bloody Mary with my much more interesting new fantasy version of Whatever Happened to Baby Mara?

Rent/Bury/Buy

Bloody Mary is a fun time capsule of early 21st century teen horror, one that feels charmingly less hip than some of its more CW network-cast quickies. I watched it via Netflix disc (yes, I'm that old) and there's a cute making-of featurette that certainly took me back to a simpler time. It doesn't quite pack the same satisfying winks as the first Urban Legend, but it's a worthy entry into what turned out to be a surprisingly fun-filled series. 

My Hood Is Like a Shark Fin

Morgan was one of those films I like to call "the eternal trailer," a distinction it shares (for me) with the Wolfman remake and Shutter Island. All three, possibly due to adjusted release date, seemed to be included in the previews for just about every film I saw in the theaters in the months (and sometimes years) leading up to their release. 

That plus the general apathy that seemed to accompany Morgan put it low on my watch list. Had someone sold it the right way -- i.e., a reimagining of Renny Harlin's Deep Blue Sea -- I may have actually paid for it.

Quick Plot That's Essentially Just Deep Blue Sea Without Sharks: In an isolated green forest (replacing the blue sea), a team of pretty good-looking scientists have spent the last five years raising and monitoring Morgan (The VVitch's treasure Anya Taylor-Joy), a genetically modified young woman who is sadly not quite a shark.

Stepping in to Stellan Skarsgard's shoes as the most physically abused of the scientists is Jennifer Jason Leigh, who opens the film with her eye gouged out by her charge and is later beaten to death with about the same level of pain as having your arm eaten by a shark, then your body rammed against glass underwater.

This initial Macbethian incident is what summons Samuel L. Jackson stand-in Kate Mara as Lee, a risk assessment manager brought in to evaluate the Morgan experiment. Sporting Saffron Burrows strictly serious haircut, Thomas Jane's combat moves, and Jackson's corporate doubt, Lee regards most of the team suspiciously, particularly the too-soft behaviorist Amy (Ygritte the Wilding, aka Rose Leslie). On the flip side, Lee seems most positive towards Skip, the handsome nutritionalist (aka chef).

No, he does not have a pet parrot, but SPOILER ALERT yes, he does (almost) make it to the end, so OBVIOUSLY, he is LL Cool J.

The poor white man's LL Cool J. 

You might think I'm stretching the Deep Blue Sea comparison, but when the REAL Samuel L. Jackson (in the form of Paul Giamatti) strolls in for one scene to be essentially eaten by the super smart, super fast, and super strong Morgan, it's hard NOT to see the parallel. 

It is very possible that forcing this comparison made the exceedingly mediocre Morgan an exceedingly more interesting film. Directed by Luke Scott (son of Ridley), Morgan has a great look and unfairly great cast, most of whom are essentially wasted. The action offers some thrills, especially when the film takes a not-that-surprising turn and delivers entertaining fight scenes. Then again, nothing you see here is that much more exciting than, say, an episode of Agents of SHIELD.

The point is, pretend Morgan the character is a super smart shark and Morgan the movie is okay.

High Points

Hey, I'm an easy mark for a powerful female lead who's good at her job and also happens to fight like a ninja

Low Points

The dire lack of actual sharks

Lessons Learned

Everyone loves lasagna!

Comfort can be a thorn in the side of revelation

Genetic experimentation companies invest a lot in training employees in hand-to-hand combat

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh, Morgan, in one word, is an "eh" of a review. With its high production values and good action, it's not a waste of 100 minutes, but it's hard to summon much enthusiasm without relying on, you know, Deep Blue Sea. Then you remember that Morgan doesn't end with anyone rapping and everything is terrible once again.