The Spy Who Slo Motion'd Me

Hypnosis may be the only way to reveal why I had 2000's Doomsdayer at the top of my Netflix queue, as I have absolutely no memory of hearing about it. Having been a Netflix DVD subscriber for 9 years or so (and yes, I remember my very first disc and it was Punisher: War Zone and really nothing has ever lived up to that moment), my list now runs a good 300+ films that aren't (yet) available via streaming. As a result of that plus beer, I simply can't be held accountable for my viewing choices at this point in life.

Quick Plot: An elite anti-terrorist organization called Protocol 23 is charged with constantly saving the world from power-hungry billionaires with spectacularly dressed henchmen. In this case, said billionaire is played by Udo Kier, and said henchman wears a spectacular red suit with a perfect bowtie.

Kier plays Max Gast, and if that's not enough for you, his wife Elizabeth is played by none other than Amazon action goddess Brigitte Nielsen. Oh, and when we first meet Max, he's smoothly poisoning his snooty investors in one of those movie-perfect corporate board meetings for daring to block his attempts at nuking the world.

Who can stop this blue-eyed tyrant? That'd be Logan, Jack Logan, a slick P23 agent not opposed to shagging his points of contact. In case you haven't guessed it by now, Doomsdayer is a sort of Asylum Studio adaptation of James Bond, only with more slow motion, less name actors, and a glaring lack of a theme song.

Let's get to the first point first: by my estimation, the original cut of Doomsdayer probably ran a brisk 37 minutes. Director Michael J. Sarna comes from a stunt background, and I'm guessing his respect for the craft led him to stretch every crash, fight, or reaction shot to its max, thus padding out the running time.

If one were to make a drinking game of how much slow motion was used in this film, one would be dead.

There are more shots of slow motion in Doomsdayer than there are white men in Congress.

There are more shots of slow motion in Doomsdayer than there are steroids in Russian locker rooms.

There are more shots of slow motion in Doomsdayer than there are chains in Chain Letter.

It is that kind of movie, and I am not complaining.

Our Q-esque character is introduced walking away from an explosion set off behind him without reacting (in slow motion, of course), because you know, that's how things work here. Max regularly has his minions tortured (aka "reassigned") but also displays genuine remorse for the millions of civilians he'll be nuking in the name of a new world. Even better, he truly loves Elizabeth and cares for his right hand man. It adds a nice layer of depth amid half-priced double entendres and martini jokes.

All of it...yes all of it, in complete slow motion.

High Points
Udo Kier is and has always been a gift to terrible movies, and that fact is no different here

Low Points
How great would a terrible attempt at a Bond-esque theme song been?

Lessons Learned
Never reveal how happy and content you are with your life and marriage out loud, unless being kidnapped and forced to build a doomsday device was on your list of things to do

Rent/Bury/Buyz
Doomsdayer came to via Netflix's DVD queue, so it's probably not the easiest to track down. While I wouldn't recommend anyone other than slow motion fetishists invest much work into finding it, I certainly had a good time in a ridiculous, extremely slow motion way. 

And one day, you too shall be a great witchhunter!

Ever watch a film that in no way embodies its reputation? You see a title like “Mark of the Devil,” spot Udo Kier in the cast, and knowingly eye the cover art featuring a pretty blond having her tongue cut out. Internet research reveals this was advertised with a William Castle-ish campaign complete with complimentary barf bags with every ticket purchase. If you’re like me, you pretty much assume the next 90 minutes will be spent with cheap period costumed bosoms, lots of burnings at the stake and eventually, silly dallyings with Satan himself.

You know what they say about assuming.

Quick Plot: In the 18th century (or so), priestly witch hunters devote their lives (or more fittingly, the lives of a whole lot of unlucky villagers) to purging the lands of the devil, mostly by imprisoning random citizens and inflicting ungodly methods of torture until they nod blankly at the suggestion of working for the devil, only to then be beheaded in front of TV-less townspeople who love a good show. 

This particular cleansing occurs in a regular old European town ruled by Albino, a scarred and cruel man who resembles a period-era Geoffrey Rush after being left out in the sun for too long. Like most witch hunters, Albino uses his power to randomly execute locals to suit his needs, even having the jerkitude to accuse a nice young bar wench for spurning his oily advances. Things seem to look brighter at the arrival of Lord Cumberland, the world’s most revered and feared enemy of Satan, and his fluffy assistant (Udo Kier! dubbed). 

Too bad ‘better’ lasts as far as slapping the smarm out of Albino before then returning to even crueler methods of torture.

Although nun tongues are severed, limbs stretched, and bodies burned at the stake, Mark of the Devil is hardly trashy exploitation. The production values are top notch, with gorgeous cinematography that paints a postcard-like landscape and kinetic camerawork that plays with perspective. A few background searches (plus gloriously Kierish special features) reveal a rather tumultuous filming process, with a director replacement and constant script revisions. Am I crazy for not seeing this?

What I’m trying to say is Mark of the Devil is a genuinely fine film. Hammer quality history with more discipline and patience, plus the rather nihilistic nerve to end in a frustrating, yet fitting way that defies your general expectations. 

High Points

In a film seeped with seriousness, a side story involving confused executioners and impressive marionettes is a hilarious and welcome diversion

Have there ever been such memorable faces sharing the screen as the executioner and indictment writer? These mugs could make roses wilt

Low Points

For a movie that wore its grisliness on a promotional barf bag, the final revolt is disappointingly tame

Lessons Learned

Rabbits don’t eat meat, but they do make fairly adorable marionettes

In order to avoid being accused of mating with Satan, avoid being rich, pretty, or good with puppets

In the 18th century, the only cure for impotence was rape

Rent/Bury/Buy

Perhaps my expectations were simply in the minor leagues, but Mark of the Devil felt like a genuine all-star film, odd considering its troubled history, dual directorship and dubbed awkwardness. Some of the camerawork is truly innovative and the story keeps you intrigued throughout the brisk 100 minute running time. Blue Underground put out a top notch DVD complete with a very frank commentary and a basketful of interviews with the cast (including a hilarious Udo Kier). It’s an easy rental with possible buy potential.

Still Not as Scary As a Caterpillar...

I hesitated in reviewing The Human Centipede, since just about every blogger and his or her sock has had a go at the year’s most talked about underground film. Even though I actually forked over a full $6.95 for the On Demand viewing, I almost felt like there was no need to say anything about a movie in which everything has already been said about it. 

Then I found this:

the most incredible cat toy of all time, courtesy of OhBoyCatToy via Etsy (direct link here ) and realized if I can't afford to give Mookie Wilson and Joplin Zelda Rubinstein Intravia a proper kitty toy, I at least had to acknowledge where I stood on the film that inspired it.


That's right. Consider this the first and in all probability last post every directly written in honor of a creatively sealed catnip.

Rather than crawl through a plot synopsis of a movie that everyone already knows the plot to, I figured I’d just address a few of the complaints lodged against Tom Six’s film.

1. The Gore Issue

Apparently, that 2-Girls-1-Cup video awakened a hunger the mass public never knew they had for coprophagia. Personally, I’m somewhat grateful Six left so much to our sick little imaginations. The dinnertime digestive sequence managed to make me laugh and cringe; had I actually been watching the process, I’d probably be too distracted constantly reminding myself that all I was seeing was Hershey’s syrup and marmalade (aka, How I Survived Salo).

2. The Girls Are Awful

I know! I hate them too! They represent every dumb chick you’ve climbed over in a bar bathroom as she slouches over her giggling friend and nonsensically slurs on about how some ugly bitch looked at her boyfriend the wrong way but oh my god! Her shoes are so cute! (In case you can’t tell, these types of women are not my friends.) Every word out of their mouths makes you want to punch them in the face or, more fittingly, tie said mouths to the anus of someone else. They can’t even escape or kill themselves the right way. It’s almost adorable.

3. Nothing Happens

...except for the fact that people are sewn together. I agree the plot is the gimmick, but had everyone and their former conjoined twin not been reading the Internet, wouldn’t we still be surprised by that alone? 

I don’t have much more to say about The Human Centipede, save for the fact that it was amusing, disgusting, and more than a little ridiculous. I loved Dieter Laser’s kooky performance as Dr. Heiter and loved even more how his hardened face resembled a creepy cross between Lance Henrikson, Udo Kier, and maybe just a teaspoon of Jeremy Irons. 

I found myself surprisingly affected by one character’s (let’s call him “A”) rather shocking decision and pretty darn grossed out by another (we’ll call her “C”)’s fate. I recommend this in the same way I’d recommend trying the chocolate mashed potato cupcake I tasted at a food festival on my recent vacation. It’s not really good and I’ll probably never return to it again, but wouldn’t my life be a smidgen empty had I not just went through with it?

Damnit. Why oh why did I bring up the combination of chocolate and mashed potatoes while still thinking about people’s mouths being tied to other people’s anuses? Consider that the most important Lesson Learned ever.