I'll Spin You a Yarn

Welcome to The Shortening! For February, we adjust the height on our camera to focus on movies featuring vertically challenged villains. If you have your own blog or podcast and plan to do the same, be sure to leave a note in the comment with your links!

Fairy tales are the most public of all domains, but it still feels risky to tackle a property so perfectly immortalized on film already.

Quick Plot: Tim and Emma have recently moved from NYC to a sprawling country estate. Pregnant Emma is taking a break from her successful interior design, while Tim continues to run his wholesale yarn business. 

They are a very, very dynamic couple.

Life gets wild when Emma discovers a basket of yarn sitting in a corner. HOW COULD SUCH A THING HAPPEN? she wonders, not satisfied with Tim's casual suggestion that maybe the previous owners forgot to pack it up. She stresses even more when she reads about a bear attack nearby, prompting my favorite cinematic rule: Chekhov's Law of Bear Traps.

Tim has his own reasons to worry. Buried in the yarn is a mask, and as we all know, nothing is more irresistible than putting a mysterious bit of plaster over your face.

Rumpelstiltskin is born! I guess?

Pop quiz: what do you know about this fairy tale? It's certainly one of the darker stories we tell children, teaching them to not make promises they don't intend on keeping (that IS the moral, right?). A quick recap:

A miller brags about his daughter, embellishing her talents to claim that she could spin straw into gold. A jerky king takes him up on it with the bet being his daughter's life or marriage (coincidentally, this is also how I met my husband). The young woman is devastated to realize she's about to be executed when salvation comes via a mysterious imp who does the job for her on one condition: his payment will be her firstborn child. Fast forward to the happy couple's pregnancy interrupted by the little magician coming to collect. He agrees to break the contract if she can figure out his unusual name. Thankfully, this guy is an even bigger braggart than the new princess's father, revealing himself to be Rumpelstiltskin in a drunken dance. She names him, he explodes, and everyone else lives happily ever after, save for the day they have to explain to their children what brought them together. 

Anyway, Rumpelstiltskin is a pretty messed up tale for children. But it's also pretty rad, hence why we have some great adaptations (Faerie Tale Theater, I'm looking at you). It's PERFECT fodder for a cheap horror movie. 

And yet. 

This is bad. This is very, very bad. So bad that it doesn't even understand how to use a public domain horror story to just direct its script. Did writer/director Brett Bentman just see open a library book to a picture of Rumpelstiltskin that showed an imp, pregnant woman, and loom and think that these were the keywords of the story? There's no bargain or bragging. Our only reference to gold comes in Emma's yuppie friend's husband who has a lot to say about crypto, then dies while filming most of his scenes in a completely different location than his killer. 

But that's not the worst of it.

I don't know how to say this easily, so I'm going to take an acting lesson from Rumpelstiltskin's star. Picture me mumbling, shifting weight on my feet, and scrunching my nose as I quickly blurt this out:

This Rumpelstiltskin is not short. 

When Tim, a man of average height, dons this mask, he simply morphs into it and goes about killing at his 5'9 frame. 

It's bullshit.

You may be thinking, "Emily! How can you close out the Shortening with such a villain?" and I excuse myself with three defenses:

1) The character is still constantly referred to as an imp

2) This was the second attempt I took at watching a low budget short-powered horror movie only to discover the killer was NOT SHORT. Folks, I watched a Canadian horror comedy called Scared Shitless which is mostly what you think it was (though slightly better than it sounds). I couldn't do this again

3) By the time I realized this movie wasn't going to pay for any kind of effect to change the height of our villain, I was more than halfway done with the film. Time, like me, is short. I wasn't going to waste it. 

So that's that. 

High Points

At a mere 78 minutes long, I can thankfully say that even if you (for whatever insane reason) decide to watch this movie, at least it won't take much time out of your life. Also, bear traps

Low Points

The fact that I'm trying to remember how the movie ended, and if indeed it actually ended, might be one of many

Lessons Learned

Never underestimate expense reports

The worst spun yarn gives the best stitch definition 

Sometimes you can judge a movie by its cover

Rent/Bury/Buy

I've had a surprisingly successful run of cheap-looking movies being way better than their titles and posters suggested this month. That ends here. If you're STILL a glutton for punishment, you can watch this on Peacock or, not surprisingly, Tubi. Don't say I didn't warn you. perfectly immortalized on film already.

You Ain't Nothin' But Hounded

There are only so many stories one can tell, particularly in a 100 year old medium that puts out hundreds of properties every year. It's almost an annual tradition to find a low budget spin on The Most Dangerous Game in the horror genre, and one I welcome. 

Quick Plot: A quartet of thieves decides to take on the fateful one last job stealing an antique ceremonial knife out of a sprawling and isolated estate. Naturally, the owners return early and flip the script.

One blurry van ride later and they're now even farther away from bustling London, dumped into the British countryside and told to take their head start. Leader Leon, his brother Charlie, and their pals Vix and Tod learn the game pretty quickly: it's an old fashioned (and illegal) fox hunt, and they're the prey. 

The hunters are the Redwicks, a family of blue bloods as white and aristocratic as you can possibly imagine. Decked out in red riding gear and the poshest of accents, they treat their murder spree as the highest of sports while our young heroes have to use their smarts to survive. 

The most pleasant surprise about Hounded is that for a typical hunt 'em down horror movie, it has a shockingly kind soul, with characters who act like genuine human beings. Sure, our protagonists are thieves who make their living by (mildly) victimizing (very wealthy) others, but as soon as they're thrust into danger, they stand united. Charlie is shaken and guilt-struck when his escape tactic leads to a hunter's death. It's a rare human moment that most horror films wouldn't think to acknowledge. 

Death is obviously a huge part of the genre, and while many films give that the weight it deserves, these kinds of more action-driven basic stories usually race through the stakes. But the truth is that if most of us were being hunted and ended up killing those trying to kill us, the fact that we just took a human life would hit hard.

Hounded is the directorial debut of Tommy Boulding, who served as the editor for an impressive batch of genre films (including the very good Possum and very fun Choose or Die). It's definitely a strong start, with a solid script by the team of Dean Lines and Ray Bogdanovich. No dogs die and a bear trap goes off. What more can I want?

High Points

I didn't recognize the lead Redwick, Samantha Bond (a stage actress best known in film for playing Moneypenny in the '90s Bond movies) but I know I'll clock that voice in ANYTHING going forward. She plays the cool and collected villain so perfectly to the point that I was weirdly satisfied with the film's ending (I'll tread around spoiling) because as awful a person as her character is, I would watch a whole series built around those striking vocal chords. 

Low Points

Stay with me: this is a negative that's actually a positive. Hounded is barely 90 minutes long and as much of it is chase-based, stays incredibly lean on exposition or much in the way of character details. That helps the film tremendously in feeling like a quick dark ride, and with a first-time filmmaker and low budget, was absolutely the right choice to make. BUT, the low ambitions is what will keep this as a "better than it should be" rather than a "great" little watch, because there's not that much to linger with you. We just don't get enough time with our heroes or history on our villains to really feel like there's much substance. Again, I think Boulding was probably wise to pace his debut as he did, but ultimately, it means I walk away from this film being more excited about what he can do next rather than with what I just experienced. Consider it a double edged ceremonial knife.

Lessons Learned

Money doesn't buy you taste

When planning a robbery, always wear comfortable athletic clothes (you know, in case the tables are turned and you're left playing the most dangerous game)

Rich British humor generally targets fishermen

Rent/Bury/Buy

Hounded (or Hunted, if you find it via Amazon Prime) was a pleasant surprise. It doesn't necessarily do anything you haven't seen before, but it does what you expect quite well, then tops itself with a few smart choices. There's a part of me that wishes it had more ambition to its storytelling, but sometimes a small bite is just enough. 

On the Street Where You Savage

Rape revenge is a complicated, complicated subgenre. Do it wrong (and more importantly, for the wrong reasons) and you’ve created something truly detestable and aggressively alienating to 51% of the population. Do it right and it will probably be perceived by most that you’ve done it wrong. 

Savage Streets falls somewhere in the middle, but when you’ve got Linda Blair serving up fierce cross-bow vengeance, you can be forgiven for quite a bit.

Quick Plot: High school underachiever Brenda loves nothing more than her girl squad and younger sister Heather (a baby-faced Linnea Quigley!), who happens to be a sweet, virginal, and deaf. After Brenda and her friends play a fairly harmless prank on a sadistic quartet of punk bullies and their sweet Chevy, poor Heather pays for it via a brutal gang rape.

The cops are fruitless in their investigation, and the school is even worse. You don't expect much when you have John Vernon playing your principal, but even in 1984, his talkdown to Brenda ("you're a bright girl, pretty face, good figure") screams of inappropriate and useless authority figures. 

Nope, if Heather is to be avenged, it's a leather jumpsuit-clad Linda Blair to the call.

Savage Streets is a troubled, occasionally troubling film, but it's also incredibly entertaining. While her hair doesn't quite match the insane levels of Summer of Fear, Linda Blair still owns her stylish not-actually-bad bad girl character to the point that I wish we had an entire franchise wherein her Brenda roamed the streets of California and beyond, serving up elaborate booby trapped-based justice to razor blade earring-wearing punks.

There really is a fresh energy about Savage Streets, even if certain subplots fizzle out due to, apparently, the film taking so long to film that some actors left the production. Sure, Brenda's preppy triangle-haired blond rival never gets a payoff, but considering it means we get an extended fully clothed gym shower fight scene filled with random naked girls half-heartedly serving as backup fighters just to flesh out (teehee) the screen, can anyone really complain?

I would have appreciated more full-out girl gang-ness instead of Blair having to wreak her vengeance solo, but I still get to, you know, watch Linda Blair zip up a black leather jumpsuit and outsmart a terrible gang of rapist murderers. It's not Shakeaspeare, but it sure is fun.

High Points

Chekhov's Law of Bear Traps (if you introduce a bear trap in the first act, you damn well better catch someone in it by the fifth) is indeed in place, and with a weekend sale price tag of $37.99 to boot!

Low Points

That being said, denying us the actual sight gag of a rapist bully IN said bear trap is a bit unfair, especially when our villains deserve far worse

Lessons Learned

Unlike peach brandy, ice cream gives you zits

Tough men can put cigarettes out on their palms

Evil bullies believe in the power of uniform so much so that they wear the same exact clothes every working day

Rent/Bury/Buy

Hey, I'm not saying Savage Streets is a good movie by any conventional means, but it's zany in a more girl-powered Death Wish 3 kind of way, with the added bonus of Linda Blair serving up strength, style, and bear traps. 

That's One Bloody Registry

Baby Shower is far from a perfect (or even very good) horror film, but it does nail one thing that I often preach:

Older characters.

It's a lesson I can't teach enough when it comes to genre (or really, ANY TYPE) of cinema: the longer your characters have lived, the more dramatic possibilities they will have. The core cast of Baby Shower is far from geriatric or even middle aged, but focusing the story on mid-30somethings versus, say, the similarly themed, innately less interesting The Last Resort just goes to show how much more compelling it is to watch horror victims who have more to lose attempting to hang on. Sure, pretty and hard young bodies are nice to look at, but it's simply easier to care about a 35-year-old mother of three and hard-living career woman than it is a hot sorority girl.

Quick Plot: Angela is a very pregnant woman hosting a few city friends for the weekend in her isolated country estate. Because such a setup can never possibly go wrong, we throw in a kooky new age-y spiritual leader with a great rack, an easily seduceable handyman, and accusations regarding adultery. Before long, poisoned tea is being vomited onto expensive bedsheets, faces are being shotgunned, penises devoured, and in the glory of all glory, bear traps activated.

Man do I love me a good bear trap snapping.

Baby Shower is a zany movie, and for once, that's almost a bad thing. See, up until the halfway point, we're following some well-acted, believably written old friends reunite at a time in their lives when they're all in different places. Claudia, the homemaker, loads quite a lot into the looks she gives Manuela, a singleton with a casual cocaine habit. Angela is tense and pregnant, while her novelist pal is more interested in casual sex than motherhood. These women are well-established as characters, and watching them act off one another is a true pleasure.

And then things get bloody.

I like to think of myself as a fairly smart person, but I tell you: I don't really understand anything that happened once people started getting stabbed.

Obviously, I know people were stabbed (or genitally consumed or bear trapped), but that didn't explain WHY they were stabbed or bear trapped (it's always clear why one is genitally consumed). Something about hippies hating sin something something. I don't think it mattered, said with a raised vocal inflection to suggest a question. I wasn't bored, but what started as a movie that could have truly been something special ended (for me) on a note of confusion and casual indifference.

High Points

From the sprawling country estate to the well-done (and rarely coy) gore, Baby Shower is easily one of the best-looking low budget horror films to come out in recent years

I mean it: older characters make for more interesting stories. Considering the rather chaotic nature of the film's later acts, I would have almost preferred a non-murderous adventure simply because I was enjoying the performances so much

Low Points

I also mean it when I say, what and why happened for the film's last 45 minutes?

Lessons Learned

En espanol, 'baby shower' translates to 'bay-bee shower'

You can always tell a writer by her boots

Being stabbed repeatedly hurts quite a bit, but on the positive side, you can accomplish quite a lot before dying from it

Rent/Bury/Buy

I enjoyed Baby Shower, even though at times, I felt like the movie was challenging me to do so. Seriously, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY MURDER HAPPENED. But I liked the characters, loved the look, and was ultimately entertained in spite of myself. Approach with caution.

The Best Way to Study = Not Being a Jerk

Remember when nerds took vengeance via panty raids and peeping tommery? Thems were the good old days...

Quick Plot: Fed up with being teased and occasionally abused, a group of outcast teenagers plot an intricate night of vengeance against the popular kids. The nerdy ringleader just so happened to inherit a rural farmhouse, making it oh-so-easy to throw a mysterious costume party where only the jocks and cheerleaders are invited. Before you can say pig's blood and ruffled collars, the nerds have the pretty people drugged and shackled for an evening of face melting, finger chopping, and paralysis.

The Final is a tough film to review. As the directorial debut for the industry experienced Joey Stewart, it's certainly well-made and far sharper than a whole lot of Netflix Instant's other horror offerings. Jason Kabolati's script is also better than expectation, giving us a few stand-out characters (including a genuinely nice guy clique circulator played in a refreshing touch by a black actor) with maybe self-aware dialogue that generally falls flat ("All's fair in sex and high school" is clearly something a screenwriter, not 17 year old would say). There's also a fun black and white framing device that sets a unique stylized mood. I would have rather seen more of that within the body of the otherwise fairly by-the-numbers The Final, but any breath of fresh air is appreciated when you're dealing with high school horror.

That being said, I can't really say I 'enjoyed' The Final. See, it does that thing that I generally despise in movies: it acts MEAN. 

Our outcasts-turned-killers offer very little in terms of sympathy. Yes, they're unfairly bullied, but unfortunately, we're never given any real glimpse into who they are. The ringleader is just cold, and while actress Lindsay Seidel brings a warm vulnerability to her Strangers-masked victim, there's nothing else to really know about her. There are about three others who blend in with hardly any screentime and no backstory. On one hand, I could write this off as the movie trying to make us see only what their cruel tormenters see. On the other, I feel like I'm just making an excuse for poor character development.

High Points

In addition to the retro framing device, there are a few more interestingly styled choices that makes The Final stand out from the herd of high school horror flicks, including a Charlie Brown/Muppet Babies* approach to never showing any parent in full frame

Creepy masks!

Low Points

In a film that has its unloved characters make such a point about their bullies not getting to know them, I guess I just really wish that the film, well, got to know these kids

Lessons Learned

Red meat is for people who don’t care how they look

Never attend a party if you didn't get an invitation

If you're feeling sick or fat, just remember: things always perk up after a night of drinking and hot sex

Chekhov's Rule of Bear Traps

You can't set one up without seeing it go off in the third act!

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Final is perfectly fine a low maintenance stream on Netflix Instant. As a teen horror film, it's decently made and offers some new touches that you don't normally find in what can be a very rote genre. By no means is it anything particularly groundbreaking or perfectly executed, but in this day and age, it's nice to see some energy from new horror filmmakers.

*An Aside

Remember when any popular form of children's entertainment could be seen ON ICE? As a child, I recall seeing an advertisement for such a program featuring Muppet Babies and longed to see for myself what Nanny's head actually looked like, considering the cartoon would only give us glimpses of her kneecaps down. In my mind, they HAD to have an actual FIGURE SKATER playing the part, meaning I would finally learn the truth about her face or lack thereof. Though I doubt the show actually revealed this, allow me to use this space to make a 25+ years in the making plea:

IF ANYONE SAW MUPPET BABIES ON ICE, HOW DID THEY SHOW NANNY?!

Thank you for your time and consideration.