Saturday, March 10, 2012

Because Pretty People Sometimes Deserve To Die

When a synopsis for a low-budget horror film involves a bachelorette party,  you can guess you’ll be in for a rough ride. Then again, that also means a bunch of obnoxious bachelorettes will experience horrific deaths, so that in itself makes The Last Resort fairly inviting.
Quick Plot: A group of attractive and annoying 20something females head to Mexico for a week’s worth of drinking and being skanky in honor of their pal Kat’s upcoming wedding. After the kind of night in a bar that involves a drinking montage with enough shots that would kill Andre the Giant, the sensible girl of the group (because she’s a brunette) goes home with a nice guy, while the other four airheads awaken the next day with killer hangovers and the great idea to go sightseeing in a van with two not suspicious at all locals. 

In case you’re wondering, yes, you are now at this point expected to wish a painful death to everyone you’ve met onscreen thus far.
As Brunette spends a sunny day at the beach with her bland beau, her shriekier pals get robbed (but pointedly not raped), non-fatally shot, and left in the desert with only an abandoned resort to keep them comfy. All would be okay enough if the resort didn’t happen to be channeling eviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil energy with the power to possess its inhabitants and inspire all sorts of hysterically violent actions.
What follows involves cannibalism, guttings, and a fair share of dumb white people not understanding ominous warnings in Spanish. It sounds awful, but believe it or not, The Last Resort isn’t half bad for what it is. Yes, the cast is about as likable as a skin rash, but the film is more than willing to go to darker, grislier places than its pretty sheen might have you suspect. The actual results of a possessed give-in-to-your-inner-urges hotel causing some visitors to eat their friends...hey, I can get behind that.

High Points
In the wake of the modern thin-is-in trend, it’s weirdly refreshing to hear so much verbal attacks on the skinniest character’s body. Sure, a bandit telling her she’s too bony to rape isn’t exactly a step towards equality, but hey, it’s less insulting than it should be
Low Points
You know, the whole “these women are terribly annoying” thing...

Lessons Learned
Being shot is not good
Mexico means in Mexican weird
Petty thieves with gunshot wounds don’t get to make demands

I’ve seen far worse horror movies than The Last Resort. It’s by no means a major feat in filmmaking, but one could do far worse when surfing the Instant Watch offerings than this gory vacation tale. It doesn’t mean I’m not happy to see almost every character suffer a horrible fate, but it also means I didn’t hate watching it. So you know, modern mediocrity at its most mediocre.


  1. This one looks like fun, though Netflix is giving it the ax on 3/15, so I'll have to get to it quick!

  2. Weird, they seem to be axing a bunch of straight-to-DVD horror movies that day. GIve this one a go. It's not good, but it gets grislier than you'd expect and these girls REALLY deserve to get it grisly.

  3. I don't know if it has anything to do with it, but I did read where Netflix is going with mostly TV stuff on instant watch and ditching thousands of movies.

  4. Ugh! Now I remember seeing something about that also. They're trying to do more original programming and such. I don't understand why Netflix hates itself so much.

  5. Just added it to my queue...sounds like a bit of brainless fun!

  6. "modern mediocrity at its most mediocre" -An absolutely perfect description of this movie, though the cannibalism was a bit of a surprise.

  7. True! Especially considering how many jabs the film makes against skinny girls.

  8. Wow. The DVD cover is a dead ringer for the I Spit On Your Grave poster. In fact, that's the movie I thought you were reviewing at first.

    See for yourself.

  9. You know, I didn't even think of that but now that you said it, I can't unsee it! But if it helps, The Last Resort has no rape because, and I kid not, the girls are too skinny. So that's that!