I Hate When Mommy Calls Me Jesus

With a poster reminiscent of Orphan and a title deliberately eschewing the rules of punctuation, I(')m Not Jesus(,) Mommy was a streaming indie clearly made for a giddy ol' blogger like me.

Quick Plot: Dr. Kim Gabriel is a fertility expert whose bout with cancer has ironically rendered her unable to conceive her own child with supportive husband. When she's asked by a shady researcher named Roger to help participate in a government experiment bringing the first human cloned embryo to term, Kim finds the temptation of insemination a little too easy to pass up.

Seven years later, the world has changed. A lot.

Whereas in 2013 the U.S. government was using illegal Mexican immigrants as disposable test cases, radio announcements now tell us that any American sneaking over the Mexican border will be shot on sight. Curfews are enforced and food rations are distributed by federal employees. Utopia this is not.

Kim, now widowed, is eking out a miserable survival with her son David. Bundled up for a new ice age and sporting some ominous lesions on her face, Kim begins to sense something amiss when David demonstrates some handy skills with premonition and resurrection. 

Across town, Roger cares for his sister and niece, filling their time and souls with some hard-earned Old Testament wisdom. As anyone who's seen The Rapture might guess, such Abrahamic lessons can steer towards controversy pretty quickly.

Directed and co-written by Vaughn Juares, I'm Not Jesus Mommy is far too ambitious for its own good. Much of its grand theological movements come off as silly, and the very nature of its title makes the third act something of an anticlimactic wash. That being said, the film is kind of fascinating in some of its decisions. The complete second act switch is effectively jarring, leaving the viewer (or at least me) having absolutely no idea where the story will go. Unfortunately, then you remember the film’s title and realize the big mystery is frustratingly revealed without even watching.

High Points

Considering its shoestring budget, I'm Not Jesus Mommy is smart enough to establish its post-apocalyptic setting with some extremely clever and basic decisions. Kim (and actress Bridget McGrath) undergoes a complete make-under, with chapped lips and scraggly brown hair replacing the lip gloss and dye job worn by a successful doctor in a thriving world. It’s surprising how effective such simple choices are

Low Points

Should we talk about the title? I can forgive the absence of a comma that seems to be riling other reviewers (considering it's supposed to be said by a kid, the omission makes sense) but for the first 60 minutes or so, we're not in any way THINKING of Jesus or what he has to do with the story. It's almost a spoiler not just to the ending, but to the very thematic underlining of the film. 

Lessons Learned

Cell phones + angry car rides = certain doom

Just because you're lucky enough to get government sanctioned bread doesn't mean you should be all showy about it

In case of apocalypse, be sure to wear layers

Rent/Bury/Buy

I'm Not Jesus Mommy isn’t really a recommend, but it also seems unfairly maligned with a 2.8 IMDB rating. This is a low budget, highly flawed little movie, but it earns plenty of points for being something different. It tries too hard to do far too much, but the optimist in me appreciates a cheaply made first feature about government sanctioned human cloning causing a rapture. Maybe it’s just because I really love me some raptures. Point is, those who are looking for something new might find it worth checking out on Instant Watch. Know what you’re getting into and tread with caution, but hey: how many other cheaply made first features about government sanctioned human cloning causing a rapture will you watch this week?

What Happens When People Stop Being Polite...& Start Getting Dead

It's rare that a game show horror film slips under my all-encompassing radar, but that seems to be the case with 2002's My Little Eye. Thankfully, the wonderful Christine Hadden of Fascination With Fear recently highlighted this little indie for a winter horror special. My completist tendencies paired with the convenience of Instant Watch? Just try and stop me!

Quick Plot: Five twentysomethings are chosen to participate in a 6 month long Internet reality show akin to Big Brother, where they're isolated in a country home with the reward of $1 million...providing all five remain on the property for the program's duration. This being a horror movie, you can bet your Survivor torch that our fame-hungry contestants are going to run into some roadblocks 5 months, 3 weeks, and 6 days after signing their release forms.

Filmed, I assume, on a microbudget, My Little Eye is not a good-looking or perfectly made film. The visual graininess and cheap sound cues are tolerable due to the nature of the film's webcam basis, but the overall effect ends up being rather ugly to look at. Thankfully, My Little Eye makes up for its style with genuinely unnerving and surprisingly fresh substance.

Released in 2002, My Little Eye must have been made in the cultural fervor of early 21st century reality boom. Remember Halloween: Resurrection, where Tyra Banks and Bustah Rhymes produced a Michael Myers-infused web series? Same year. The American version of Survivor was just a toddler at 2, while Big Brother was beginning its world domination plan, making MTV stalwart The Real World feel strangely long in the tooth. Reality TV was no longer a passive activity in which we watched lives get lived; it was a competitive event, one that demanded winners triumph and losers suffer. The Real World might have given prized screentime to its sexy young people's romantic exploits, but Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire?'s sponsors demanded a glitzy wedding and legally binding marriage (that naturally ended in an annulment quicker than a Kardashian affair). 

Though nowhere near as sharp (or funny) as the still-underrated Series 7: The Contenders, My Little Eye is a surprisingly strong entry into the game show horror subgenre. The mostly unknown cast (save for a pre-ubiquitous Bradley Cooper and one of the ill-fated roller coaster survivors in Final Destination 3) manage to pull off the not-so-easy feat of being believable human beings who would put themselves in this kind of situation. The script..... packs some neat twists, toying with the idea of the producers-behind-the-curtain being creative sadists who deliver bricks and a loaded gun in place of food. There's even a slightly new spin on the tried and true prank-gone-bad trope so common in '80s slashers. 

Does My Little Eye surpass the satiric chill of Series 7 or the full blasted awesomeness of The Running Man? Not a chance, but this is a fine entry into a subgenre that has yet to grow old (at least in my I-actually-watch-Love-In-The-Wild obsessive opinion). My Little Eye offers quite a few interesting twists on its straightforward concept, and while the budgetary restraints do keep it far form greatness, this is a strong, intelligent little film that's well worth your time.

High Notes

I love a film that actually challenges its characters to define their sense of morality, and My Little Eye approaches such a quandary with plenty of juice

Low Notes

Pity the financially challenged sound man who has to resort to slow motion deep voice antics. Pity the audience who has to wince through them

Lessons Learned

The Internet = The World Wide Web

You can learn a lot of shit at computer club

Statistically speaking, strangers rarely kill strangers

Rent/Bury/Buy

My Little Eye is a tad constrained by its budget (it looks and sounds like it was made on a teenager's 1990s-era allowance) but so long as you can put aside some polishing standards, this is quite a treat. While I watched it on Instant Watch, word on the Internet Super Highway tells me the DVD includes alternate commentary tracks with actors discussing the 'show' in character. That in itself is groovy enough for me to say buy.

Say Yes to the Pink Dress

Like a batch of movies from young filmmakers I’ve recently watched, Sean Byrne’s The Loved Ones is more impressive for the potential it shows than the final product.

But we can still have fun with it.

Quick Plot: Teen dream Brent is driving down the road with his good-natured dad when a bloodied naked man appears on the road. Brent swerves, hits a tree, and an ominous 6 months later title card takes us half a year and one dead parent later to the present.

Now a bit of a self-mutilating stoner, Brent gets through his days with his cute girlfriend and goofy best pal, the latter of whom is excited to take a goth girl out to the big school dance. As the day winds down, a mousy brunette named (the not mousy at all name) Lola Stone timidly asks Brent to be her date for the evening. Although he declines rather gently for a boy of his age, Brent still incurs the wrath of a very effective little outcast.

While climbing a nearby mountain with his trusty dingo, Brent is violently abducted. His loyal dog crawls home bleeding profusely and terrifying Brent’s already crazed mom and worried girlfriend. Meanwhile, Brent awakens in the home of a clearly insane Lola, her enabling father, and mysterious catatonic mother figure (named Bright Eyes) planning Lola’s very personal, very disturbing home prom.

Written and directed by first-timer Sean Byrne, The Loved Ones is an energetically fresh little slice of genre fun. Played full-force by Robin McLeavy, Lola is a unique villainess of whom we’ve never really seen before, sort of a Carrie White raised by an eager-to-please redneck with a long viewing history of rewatching The People Under the Stairs. Between her hole-in-the-head mother, potentially incestuous relationship with dad, and collection of tossed aside cannibalistic suitors, Lola is something special.

And yet, it’s all of these fascinating things about her character that ultimately makes Lola as fresh as she is frustrating. We don’t get any real backstory about her family, which would be fine if we weren’t already led to believe she was a longtime school wallflower…which means where did she keep getting her dozen past ‘dates?’ How many young men can disappear from one school district before someone notices? At just 86 minutes long, there was plenty more time to flesh out some of the more nagging questions.

That being said, The Loved Ones is also quite punk rock and perhaps that style in itself justifies the quick running time and unanswered questions. We don’t know why Lola’s father would aide her in these violent schemes, just like we don’t know what his wife did to incur a home lobotomy. Maybe that’s fine: by not filling in some of the blanks, Byrne leaves us wanting to know more about the monsters we barely met. 

Other supporting characters, like Brent’s pal’s dark-natured date, are entertaining on their own before subtle hints reveal their true importance in the overarching narrative. When you combine that kind of approach with, say, Brent’s opening accident (which served the story a bit but more importantly, gave his character a very specific place to start) you start to see how Byrne’s approach to a good ol’ fashioned torture film is actually incredibly new.

I think I’m talking myself into liking The Loved Ones a lot more than I did while watching it. This is not to say it’s not a fun film—from a scratchy catfight to tree climb, The Loved Ones is busting with genuine laughs and scares—but some of its plotting issues did affect my enjoyment during the running time. That being said, I had a good time with the characters (heroes AND villains), felt sad at some deaths, chuckled inappropriately at well-staged black humor, and even enjoyed the deliberate soundtrack choices. It’s a prom date done right.

High Notes

Though I would have preferred a little more delving into the psychosis of Lola, the rest of the teenage characters are surprisingly likable in a funny and three dimensional kind of way that should be far more common to this genre

Low Notes

The more I think about Lola’s character, the more The Loved Ones starts to unravel

Lessons Learned

Razorblade necklaces may seem like an accident waiting to happen, but they can also come in handy when your evening involves abduction

In a pinch, the bodies of a few rotting cannibals will make for a smelly, but suitable ladder

When the principal tells you not to get down and dirty inside a school gymnasium, the parameters generally extend to all of school property

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Loved Ones picked up a strong following from film festival showings a few years back, and though it doesn’t necessarily meet its hype, it’s a good and most importantly, NEW little genre film made by a fresh young presence. Byrne’s script and style are clearly his own, and the mix of horror and comedy is something rarely handled so well in a debut. I don’t know that I’ll revisit this particular film anytime soon, but I’ll certainly be on the watch for whatever he does next.

The Staten Island Horror

Every now and then, I stumble upon a low budget horror film that I just want to hug. Not in the way that it’s so lovable I must squeeze or that it’s made of cashmere; more that I picture myself embracing the film, nodding my head over the shoulder of it while making eye contact with someone else in the room and mouthing “I know.”

Knock Knock is that kind of movie.

What I mean to say is that this hard-working little slasher is kind of adorable, but not actually good. We’re not quite in Haunted Boat territory, but filmed on Staten Island—and trust me, you’ll figure that out the first time a young character opens his or her mouth—with a script possibly written as the process went along, Knock Knock earns its merit badge.

Quick Plot: In the kind of fictional movie high school that only exists onscreen, a diverse little assortment of jocks, Goths, and stoners hang out while the man-child janitor who might as well be named Red Herring watches. One by one, the kids are murdered in brutal (and surprisingly well-executed) styles that seem to be inspired by their fathers’ professions. A ice distributor’s son is ice picked, a meathouse owner’s daughter is filleted, the mechanic’s daughter is…mechanic’s daughtered, you get the point.

See, WE get the point, but the investigating detective is a blond woman who apparently does not get any point ever. Hence, despite body after body turning up with a clear connection, she never really thinks to question the murdered kids’ parents. Thankfully, a grizzled retired cop trying to reconnect with his granddaughter (this will be important 5 minutes into the film and 5 minutes from the end, so put a reminder in your smart phone and continue) is happy to help out, primarily by pointing out the fact that the killer must be strong and right-handed. Together, they let a lot more spoiled teenagers die and eventually save the day.

Let me be frank about this film: it is terrible.

Let me be franker about this film: I loved it.

Written and directed by Joseph Ariola, Knock Knock is somewhat joyous in both its effort and incompetence. Ariola is clearly a tried and true slasher fan who understands the basic ingredients—boobs (see: his name), blood, prank-gone-wrong, masked villain (that sort of resembles a Tourist Trap look done via origami)—but somehow lost the actual recipe. Observe:

-The fact that our token final girl has about two lines a few minutes into the film, then disappears until the last scene

-That even though characters are clearly defined by their ‘thing’ (one even refers to another as “The Pothead”) we as the audience—or at least, me, who watched—still can’t remember them well enough to even know who’s dead and who’s about to be

-After the first murder, one character meets up with his friends in a diner to spoil their appetite with the news that seemingly only he knows. Except once he gives the media’s theory, one of the gang replies with “I heard the killer was after something else,” yet the scene seemed to be set up to have the party crasher REVEAL the fact that there was a murder. Oh, and everyone then proceeds to eat anyway because who doesn’t like a goat cheese sandwich?

-That the town sheriff looks like he snuck out of detention and got cast in a movie, or is possibly filling in for his dad and nobody thought to take in his uniform

-That the gratuitous nudity scene involves a pretty blond taking a shower in the manner no woman could fathom, i.e., turning on water, entering, and lightly splashing her hair. NO WOMAN WOULD MIST HER HAIR IN THE SHOWER I TELLS YA 

Now all of these things do not a good movie make, but when you add in a librarian dressed like a streetwalker, the fact that no female character owns a shirt that meets her waist, and a scene wherein Red Herring cuts out yearbook photos to put on Barbie dolls then has them hurt and kiss each other while his mother looks on adoringly, and you have a pretty satisfied customer.

High Points

It’s a nice surprise to see some pretty decent practical effects utilized for the kills

Low Points

Well, um, I suppose, the movie itself if you want to think of things like THAT. Take for example, the moment where, following the death of at least four stereoty—er, students, one of the characters mocks the fact that the town is trying to issue a curfew for its youth. At this point, I actually said out loud, “Guys, seriously: half of your prom limo is DEAD.” So I *suppose* one might fault the fact that no actual human being exists in this film as a sort of, how do you say, problem

Lessons Learned

Telling a few kids that their friends are dying based on their parents’ professions would take WAY too many man hours

A football team is a large group

Staten Island pep rallies get about the same size crowd as a screening of the Oogieloves

Rent/Bury/Buy

I can’t remember what brought Knock Knock to my instant queue, but I’m sure happy the universe deemed it there. Anyone looking for quality needs to hop back on the Staten Island ferry and head elsewhere, but if you’re in the mood for a dumb ol’ slasher with the kind of exposition laden script that STILL doesn’t make sense, this is the film for you. Despite its logic faults, there’s a real heart and positive energy to Knock Knock, coupled with some excellent gore and a clear understanding of the genre. I don’t predict a Rosemary’s Baby in Joseph Ariola’s future, but I certainly look forward to what he does next. 

It's Not Easy Being Teen

I’m going to say something that hurts me very deeply. You know how stubbing your toe produces the world’s worst imaginable pain for about 10 seconds? This is kind of like that. Only I’m publishing it online, which means that pain will linger for as long as this Internet thing remains live, which in turn depends on what kind of apocalypse will ultimately bring us down (zombie invasion means the pain stops; Pulse-like computer ghosting screws me big time). Closing my eyes. Biting hard on a stick so as to save my tongue. Bracing self…

I. Was. Wrong.

Between my cries of pain, allow me to explain: for the last few years of writing about horror, I’ve displayed something of a snooty attitude when it came to found footage. Oh great, I’d sarcastically say to my cats whenever a shaky cam screener arrived in my mailbox. Another poorly filmed home video about stuff we can’t see attacking people I don’t like stumbling through improvisational dialogue when they should know to put that bulky camera down and save their dull butts already. Just what I want in my cinema!

Except, well, then I would watch low budget indies like Skew, The Feed, Meadowoods, Grave Encounters, and now, Megan Is Missing only to realize that just like those  previously overdone subgenres of zombies and slashers, a found footage film is not a gimmick when handled right. Michael Goi’s movie is certainly assembled as one—told entirely through ‘found’ video chats, newsreels, interviews and the like—but when viewed in its entirety, this is a new kind of horror done right.

Quick Plot: Megan is a promiscuous too-old-for-her-age 14-year-old who has that icky habit of wasting weekends trading oral sex to jerks for a few pot hits. Her best friend Amy, on the other hand, is an insecure mouse of a girl who keeps trying to fit in, despite a lower tolerance for alcohol and slightly higher standards when it comes to men. Both, however, are charmed by the mysterious “Skateboard Dude” they meet in a chatroom. Possibly named Josh, this Internet entity boasts a Brad Pitt-ish profile picture and the kind of game that makes even a hardened pessimist like Megan agree to meet him behind—not inside—a nearby diner.

Naturally, Megan winds up a missing person. Security footage catches her being led away by a faceless man. Amy comes forward with information about her cyber romance, only to…well, let’s just say one should never trust a one-sided webcam conversation.

Initially, Megan Is Missing feels like a direct horror adaptation of Catherine Hardwicke’s Thirteen told through found footage. The girls come off as crass, selfish twits who certainly don’t warrant a 90 minute film, especially with the kind of teenspeak and forced sluttiness that makes any potential parent pray for male offspring. Thankfully, writer/director Michael Goi proves to be incredibly clever in how his nightmare unfolds.

It begins when Megan, in a rare moment of utter unguarded honesty, tells Amy’s new birthday camera about her tragic past: as a child, Megan was sexually abused by her stepfather. Such a statement changes the way we view this character, who had—just two scenes earlier—recapped a sexual encounter with a much older Kevin Spacey lookalike camp counselor with creepy ambivalence and minor pride. It’s a fascinating character portrait process: Goi throws the misbehaving teen delinquent-in the-making at us only to carefully fill in the blanks to reveal a hurt soul in hiding.

Watching Megan Is Missing reminded me an awful lot of Catfish, for obvious reasons (people on the Internet aren’t necessarily who they pretend to be) and more subtle ones. Catfish, the pseudo-documentary juggernaut of 2011, was most interesting for how (MINOR SPOILER) its main subject created an alternate identity through social media. In Megan Is Missing, the entire film is assembled from webchats, video diaries, and ‘news’ programs that masquerade as justice finding journalism but end up being nothing more than headline juicing sleaze. Rarely are our characters honest, but their false faces seem to reveal even more truth.

To the ladies in the readership here at the Doll’s House: remember being 14? I hope not. There’s no worse age for a female than those tricky middle school years of, in the words of Britney Spears, being not a girl, not yet a woman. You WANT to seem like a grownup who smokes, drinks, and flirts like the pretty faces shown in magazines. But it generally takes you far too long to realize those things aren’t actually fun when you're not yet ready. Yes, one day you will have good sex with people who respect you, know your taste in cocktail or wine, and if you’re lucky, live in a city where smoking is banned indoors but when you’re an awkward 8^th grader desperately hoping black light decorated basements will make your braces less conspicuous, life is not so clear cut.

Like, seriously

Amy and Megan are the kind of girls who need to believe it gets better, but who can say that with any believability? They’re pretty, seemingly wealthy, and ultimately, incredibly unhappy. In Amy’s case, it’s because she’s trying so hard to fit into a mold she’s not yet made for. For Megan, the scars run deeper. This is a girl who knows that men will always be attracted to her, and though she also knows most are scum, she still wants more than anything for the right one to come along. It’s easy to see a teenager go meet a stranger in a non-public place and roll your eyes at her stupidity, but everything Goi has thus far captured showed that this is ABSOLUTELY the way an emotionally battered girl like Megan would go about landing her alleged Prince Charming.

I don’t want to spoil Megan Is Missing, as I’m far more concerned with recommending it. This is not a perfect film, but much like the similarly themed (and even more chilling) Lake Mungo, Megan Is Missing is a scary, thoughtful, and surprisingly deep exercise in using the trend of ‘found footage’ to tell a thoroughly frightening tale.

High Points

The nature of found footage is rarely kind to actors (see Low Points), but leads Rachel Quinn and Amber Perkins take on what I imagine is a huge challenge and succeed in creating realistic, flawed, and ultimately, sympathetic young teenagers (despite being much older in real life age, thankfully)

Though Megan Is Missing has a mostly serious tone, there’s an eerily funny sequence involving a ‘making-of’ clip for the reenactment of Megan’s abduction. The fact that this bit of black comedy is immediately followed by the film’s second most haunting image is even more noteworthy, as if the film—like the media—wants to glamorize the Lifetime movie-of-the-week material before a taste of realism shockingly brings us back to the fact that there are actual young lives at stake

Low Points

It’s hard to tell if some of the supporting cast members are actively shaky or if it’s the nature of found footage making their characters overact. While I could easily defend the occasionally grating performances on the grounds of “they’re teenagers acting for the camera,” it doesn’t make it any easier on the viewers’ eyes and ears

Lessons Learned

Virgins don’t know how to wear makeup

In case you forgot, being 14 really sucks

Never trust a camp counselor that looks like Kevin Spacey. Or a computer friend with a vague resemblance to a young Brad Pitt. Come to think of it, don’t ever, if you value your life, put your faith in any man who reminds you of a cast member in Se7en. (You probably already suspected as much about R. Lee Ermey and Leland Orser clones, but I would add Morgan Freeman to your no-date list, impeccable narration skills be damned)

Rent/Bury/Buy

I queued up Megan Is Missing right before it left Instant Watch, but I would definitely encourage a rental for almost any horror fan. In no way is this a typical slasher or even found footage flick, but once you get past the “are these girls really that annoying?” feeling of the opening, Megan Is Missing proves to be a fascinating, unique, and genuinely scary little indie. I’m excited to see what Michael Goi delivers next, and what’s far more shocking is that I’m in no way dreading the next round of found footage horror to pop up in genre circles. Megan Is Missing is a prime example of a filmmaker using unconventional tools to capture a different aspect of its story, and that's how it should be done.