Water Water Everywhere But Not a Drop To Drink

The Crazies is a perfectly passable horror movie.

But it’s not nearly as frightening as The Blind Side.

Sigh. I’ll get to what I’m declaring The Most Racist Movie To Ever Probably Win An Oscar in another day or so (it’s horrific, hence I’m reviewing it) but for now, here’s Breck Eisner’s decent, if uninspired spin on George Romero’s imperfect (yet perfectly loved by me) 1973 non-zombie zombie-esque film.

Quick Plot: In an idyllic Iowan town where the sun beams and stars twinkle, a high school baseball game is interrupted by the reformed Town Drunk stumbling into right field with a shotgun. Town Sheriff David Dutton (Timothy Olyphant, forever holder of a free movie pass following his way-better-than-it-had-to-be performance in A Perfect Getaway) saves the day by blowing his face off. This seems to upset School Principal, but David’s understanding (and expectant) wife/Town Doctor Judy (Silent Hill’s Radha Mitchell) and loyal Deputy Russell (The Ruins’ brokeback Joe Anderson) are there for support. Town Historian, Local Undertaker, and Mayor don’t comment, although Local Farming Family soon follows the opening disaster with another tragic fate.

Two things you’ve probably noticed from my review:

1. In terms of the cast, there’s a fair amount of modern horror cred (The Signal’s Justin Welborn and Friday the 13th: Part XII’s Danielle Panabraker round it out)
2. Just about every character is quite easily defined by Sesame Street's Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood style professions.

If you’ve seen George Romero’s flawed, but weirdly effective original, you know the basic hook. A biological weapon has been accidentally released on the sweet hamlet of Ogdan Nash--I mean, Ogden Marsh--and its major downside is that it drives the general population violently--and occasionally, giddily--bonkers. The government quickly swoops in to stabilize the situation, but anyone that’s ever seen a movie knows that a civil employee in a HAZMAT suit brings less good vibes than a Red Sox fan at Yankee Stadium.

Chaos quickly ensues as the townspeople are rounded up by menacing soldiers. Where the original soared in these messy moments of government order failing to hold up in rec centers and school gyms, 30+ years later, these scenes are standard to almost any contamination zombie flick. Eisner offers nothing new in that department, although a moment of suspense involving a pitchfork and a gurney is a decent thrill. 

Where The Crazies works best is, surprisingly, in a few more pointed and quiet moments of actual human emotion. Even hardened city folk such as yours truly can’t help but be charmed by some of Ogden Marsh’s sunshine, making the eerily empty streets lined with mom ‘n pop shops slightly poignant. At one point, Judy and David approach the perfect home where they were going to build a family, now having seen their neighbors tear each other to pieces in the school their child would have eventually attended. That in itself is horrific, as is the slow realization that one of the more likable characters is infected.

It’s strange that I would find those smaller beats so much more interesting than, say, night shots of Crazies climbing over government guarded fences. Perhaps it’s a testament to the solid cast and surprisingly strong script in contrast to the uninspired direction of Eisner, but the actual attacks are simply kind of trite. A car wash ambush is filled with tension, but like the characters, we can’t really see a thing going on and therefore have very little sense of what the danger actually is. 

I realize this review is taking a very negative turn, which is unfortunate because I liked this movie. It’s fine. Well-acted. Pretty landscape. Some neat violence. Appropriately downbeat when it needs to be. Adequate in every way, and even fairly respectful in nodding to the original while being a thing of its own. I just wish “its own” meant that, and not like every other slick remake made in the past ten years. I dare you to not think about some of the more visceral thrills of Alexander Aja’s Hills Have Eyes during much of The Crazies’ action sequences. I double dare you to be nearly as impressed.

High Points

A quietly eerie cameo from Lynn Lowry provides a knowing, but not annoying wink to fans of the original

Part of the messiness of Romero’s original comes from the lack of focus in storyline, as it volleys between the civilian heroes and the government trying in vain to solve the problem. One of the remake’s best decisions is to view all the action from David and Judy’s point of view. All we know about the Trixie virus is filtered through the bits of intel from randomly stopped soldiers, keeping the audience as in the dark as our desperate characters

Low Points

While Eisner proves his competence behind the camera, all of the close combat action sequences are either terribly staged or dreadfully edited. The first major fight between David and a buzz-saw wielding Crazy is intense, but there’s no sense of where the two men fighting hand-to-hand are in relation to each other, something not helped by speed-of-light cuts. Similarly, a moment where Judy hides in a closet with corpses lacks any suspense since we have no idea how the closet is laid out. When a very tall and assumedly strong Crazy opens the door to look for life, we see a shot of him, rather than his point of view. It’s a ridiculous moment when even we don’t know where he should be looking.

One shoot-the-guy-just-before-he-kills-a-protagonist scene is a relief. Three is pushing it.

Lessons Learned

Iowa weather is a mystery. You can wear a winter coat on a sunny afternoon only to take a dip in a swimming pool ten minutes later

Town Sheriff never pays for coffee

“Wait here” are two of the stupidest words you can say to a loved one when martial law is in effect and psychotic super strong humanoids are on the hunt

It takes a really long time to strangle a man to death (although, as A Perfect Getaway proved, Lord Olyphant is really hard to kill)

See/Skip/Sneak In

As theatrical horror remakes in 2010 go, The Crazies is perfectly adequate, much along the same lines as another remake of an imperfect, but important 1970s film Last House On the Left. Those sensitive to jump scares may have a great time, while others who prefer the strange madness of the original (like the uber creepy scene where Day of the Dead’s Dr. Frankenstein puts the moves on his own daughter) will find the film lacking in anything memorable. To endorse R-rated horror, give it your matinee money. Otherwise, slip in after something better or wait for the sure to be “unrated” DVD (meaning, as is standard for the ‘00s editions, filled with four extra minutes of exposition and eleven seconds of additional CGI blood). 

There's a Party In My Armpit and Everyone's Invited!

Since flu season/a month of chocolate covered Santas is upon us, it seemed appropriate to revisit the work of a man who always makes me thankful for the body I've got. Sure, I may have a tickle in my throat and lack the Ivory Soap sanctioned skin of Marilyn Chambers, but at least you won't find an Ironside-sized headache spinning my brain or vaginal VHS insertion strip growing out of my stomach.

And so, to celebrate December, I give you David Cronenberg’s Rabid. 

Don’t look at me like that. The film has snow. And a smoking elf. Plus pornography, popped collars, and plastic surgery. What could be more seasonal?

Quick Plot: A young couple on a motorcycle flip themselves into a nasty accident but thankfully--or not--they land close to the Keloid Center, a plastic surgery clinic on the cutting (moohahaha) edge of experimentation. Driver Hart Read is treated and sent home but girlfriend Rose (Marilyn Chambers) is worse for the wear. Operations are needed, which is a bonus for Dr. Keloid, a talented surgeon itching to try out some new skin graphing technology on the unsuspecting patient.

A month or so later, the comatose Rose awakens to find a concerned doctor at her bed. Rather than call for help or morphine, she nuzzles the man into a bloody mess, later sneaking out for a little more off-premises squeezing from any creature she can get (grizzled alcoholic farmer, nonconsenting cow, etc). As we follow a few of her victims, it becomes clear that Rose is a Typhoid Mary of sorts, spreading a new strain of gooey green rabies all throughout the land of mounties and maple syrup.

Rabid marks the second full-length horror feature from David Cronenberg, and it makes a perfectly fine (although highly infectious) partner to his 1974 shocker Shivers. Both films take a deep and fluid-covered look at a toxic, almost zombie-esque disease spread through close (often suggestively sexual) human contact,. Like George Romero’s The Crazies, Rabid integrates some of the potential fear factor of martial law and the breakdown of society in the face of nearsighted scientific advancement (even mall Santa himself falls victim to what happens in a shoot-first-ask-questions-later kind of world), while the smaller-scaled Shivers kept the action inside one prime-meat filled apartment complex.

Neither film represents the best of Cronenberg’s canon, but both Shivers and Rabid offer prime looks at one of cinema’s most innovative filmmakers getting his start. With Rabid, Canada’s least shy director delves into the human body with what would become a trademarked sense of current advancements blending into the organic organism and creating a monster completely of its own. Sex and violence unabashedly coat each frame, but nothing feels gratuitous, nor is it pretentious in issuing any outright verdicts on medical practices or societal relations. While we can easily read Rabid as a sort of pre-meditation on plastic surgery and the AIDS crisis, it’s just as easy to sit back and wait for the next infected attack. 

High Points

Although she doesn’t quite get enough to do, Marilyn Chambers gives a nicely understated performance that 
proves the occasional stunt casting can work perfectly well when the actor in question still fits the bill

Few directors can stage such suspenseful surgery as Cronenberg. The ear lifting scene here doesn't quite rival Jeremy Irons' homemade scalpels and gynecological treatment in Dead Ringers, but it does cause for a quite a little squirming


Naturally, Cronenberg doesn't disappoint when it comes to the twisted aspects of body horror. Even though we’re now aware that Rose is stabbing or bleeding the men and women she grabs, it’s still quite shocking to get our first glimpse of (SPOILER ALERT) the sharply phallic armpit sword inside one nasty and poorly placed vaginal opening

Low Points

Like a lot of Cronenberg characters, Rose is drawn rather thin. Perhaps this was intentional in making her a less specific person, but it’s hard to know how to feel about Rose’s changed behavior when we don’t know a thing about her life before the accident.


In a combination of a stale character and a dull performance, Frank Moore's Read brings the film to a slow and creaky halt every time he takes center stage

Lessons Learned

Hitchhiking is a great way to meet some very kind drivers' license carriers in Canada. Likewise, traffic cops north of the border are just so darn nice.

Smooth Eddy always looks good

It's hard enough to pick up a woman when you're dressed like an elf, so always be sure to pack some sort of conversation incentive. Cigarettes help (in the '70s), but one can't really expect full wooing without a light


A good trucker never hits a man with glasses

If you’re looking to meet men at a porno theater, make sure you buy a small popcorn to share (even if you can’t actually eat any pieces yourself)

Rent/Bury/Buy

Any genre fan has something of a responsibility to fully absorb the horrifically headiness of Cronenbergia, and Rabid is worth a watch on that premise alone. It’s not nearly as frightening as the masterful buildup of The Brood or quite as intelligent as something like Videodrome, but Rabid is still a fascinating ride into an intelligently rich cinema with a very specifically Cronenbergian twist. The DVD includes a filmmaker commentary, as well as a candid nterview which is really just one more excuse to hear Cronenberg discuss his early films, Canadian censorship, and the casting of Chambers. Stick the film on your queue and save it for one of those movie nights when you want something a little smarter than your average genre flick, yet still feel like watching zombie-esque vampiric Canadians chomp on straphangers and station wagon-driving chauffeurs.