Let Us ALL Welcome Our Insect Overlords

What’s shorter than an ant? A flea I suppose, but fleas are dog-eating jerks without any redeeming factors (other than inspiring long ago plagues that can occasionally breed good film material). 

But let’s get back to ants, those ubiquitous, hard-working, architecture-loving, slave-holding monarchists. When I put out the call for recommendations that suited The Shortening, I got some peachy picks. Today’s entry comes courtesy of Trever over at the fine film blog Kentucky Fried Popcorn, who pointed me towards 1974’s sci-fi oddball Phase IV.

Quick Plot: Something strange is happening in the cosmos, and though experts predicted everything from climate change to earthquakes, the only real effects seem to be felt in ant colonies. Our narrator explains how those six-legged soldiers of different species have been holding international conferences to communicate, something "ordinary ants" just don't do.

This might sound dry and scientific, and while much of Phase IV is, I shouldn't go any further before explaining how we actually see this unfold. Director Saul Bass (better known as a famed graphic designer who created title sequences for Psycho, The Man With the Golden Arm, and much more) works with actual nature footage to detail the development of the ants, with extreme closeups on a rainbow of little guys sitting in a circle and nodding their antennae at one another. It's kind of adorable.

Also, pretty darn impressive. It's impossible to watch Phase IV without wondering how some of the footage was gathered and when you see the massive ant army funeral complete with perfectly placed lines of tiny corpses surrounded by their mourners, you'll see what I mean. The biggest shame of Phase IV is that the film doesn't get a single DVD extra. Considering both the plot science and behind-the-scenes mystery, it's one of the most frustrating DVD releases I've seen in recent years.

But back to The empire of the ants! (but not, you know, The Empire of the Ants). Their behavior sparks the interest of one Dr. Ernest Hubbs (Nigel Davenport), an entomologist, and his mathematician assistant James (our narrator, played by Michael Murphy). The pair head to the Arizona desert to investigate from a big scary Epcot Center-like facility while southwestern ants build 2001-ish monoliths and eventually, drive a family out of their home. 

The fleeing farmers find Hubbs' digs just as the scientists release a deadly pesticide into the air with the hopes of wiping out the approaching ants. All the humans--save for a pretty and bland young woman named Kendra--crumble to their death covered in a yellow dust. 

Oddly enough, this doesn’t upset Kendra nearly as much as seeing her horse attacked by ants. Remember that ‘this’ refers to her family dying painfully from contaminated air released by the scientists she’s now bunking with, but you know...we’re all individuals.

Except the ants, who now seem to be operating under a hive mind. James is tasked with uncracking their code of communication while Hubbs becomes dangerously obsessed with their case, refusing to leave their not-so-secure bunker even after he’s bitten in a way that swells his fist into the size of volleyball. Kendra, meanwhile, walks around looking spooked until she has a mysterious conversation with a spunky escapee.

Said fugitive ant is, well, as awesome as an ant could be. We’re talking Honey I Shrunk the Kids awesome, only in a less “I’m Going To Help Children” way and more “Let’s Eff These Humans UP!” kind of style. The little ant that could--let’s call her Cindy, just cause--has some great adventures in the lab. While the menfolk are out doing scientific things like send a painful sound pitch over the desert, Cindy watches her big sister attempt to chew through the power cord only to be thwarted by a guard praying mantis. 

Cindy, however, is a smart cookie (eater). The little lass succeeds in pulling the praying mantis onto a live wire, setting the security guardette on fire and silencing the signal. 

Isn’t that cute?

Phase IV is a strange film, and I mean that in the best of ways. Although its premise and time should put it squarely in the Nature Fights Back subgenre, it’s far headier and more ambitious than something like the goofy (but amazing) Frogs or Day of the Animals. In fact, it’s far more appropriate to put it on a double bill with the similarly smarter-than-its-peers The Incredible Shrinking Man. Both films explore the relationship of man to his world, more specifically, how that relationship is altered when one of the two finds some sort of new awareness. Phase IV is actually more subtle about this, leaving most of the philosophical conclusions up to us. It’s pretty amazing how far some advanced micro-camerawork of the natural world coupled with an ethereal score can take the audience.

High Points

Though this might turn off some viewers, the lack of human melodrama helps to keep Phase IV’s tone pointedly clinical. Trust me, this is a good thing.

Low Points

Phase IV is such a strange experiment that apparently would have been even stranger if Bass had his stamp on the final cut. Word on the Internet Super Highway has it that Bass had originally planned a surreal montage to close things out, something that might have been gnarly but tragically, the lazy DVD release is bare bones of that or ANYTHING discussing this weird little gem

Lessons Learned

People get killed sometimes

The best kinds of games are serious


Ants are amazing creatures and we should do whatever they tell us. WHATEVER THEY TELL US!!!

Inevitable ‘I Am Seven’ Realization

“What does it mean? A circle...with a dot?” our hero wonders with full earnestness. Please excuse my second grade medical diagnosis that duh, dude's got a cootie shot

Rent/Bury/Buy

Phase IV is a different kind of film, a smart sci-fi with an ambitious script (by Mayo Simon) and genuinely unique approach. Some viewers might be put off by the film’s cold style, but I found it refreshingly different. The DVD nudity makes it more a rental than a buy, but raise six glasses with tiny arms to the hopes that it might eventually get its due treatment. Like a hard-working colonist eating poison for her queen, it deserves better.

Mmmmm...Ambrosia Salad? Oh. A DIFFERENT Food of the Gods

Going into Food of the Gods, I had no intention of doing a review. I turned it on, hit up the Internet, and had planned to spend the next hour or so occasionally glancing up at the screen for ‘70s wackiness while paying bills and answering old emails.

But then a rubber chicken the size of Chewbacca attacked our permed quarterback of a hero and I realized there was no way I could not write about this film.

It must be said: Food of the Gods makes Frogs look like a masterpiece.

Quick Plot: Eager to take a break in the comfort and innocence of nature, football star Morgan grabs a few buds and heads off to a sparsely populated island. Before you could say touchdown, one member of the posse is mauled to death by oversized wasps. It’s a tragedy. It’s bizarre. But the levelheaded Morgan decides alerting the authorities is a dreadful idea because they’ll never believe him.

Also, because he’s an idiot.

Elsewhere on the island are the recently widowed Ida Lupino (hamming it up in a film just a hair better than The Devil’s Rain), an evil scientist and his assistant (And Soon the Darkness’ Pamela Franklin), and a very pregnant couple who are boring and very pregnant. 

Oh, and herds of Rodents of Unusual Sizes that would be adorable if they weren’t trying to rip you apart with their fuzzy little mouths.

The terrible evil scientist, you see, has been developing some form of toxin that makes living things grow to immense proportions. Much like Lisa Simpson in that science fair subplot, he rationalizes his Frankensteinian crime with the idea that such food could be fed to all the poor orphans of the world. 

Don’t worry: he gets eaten by the cuddly rat puppets too.

You don’t need to know much else about this movie, made by that incorrigible, oft-MST3K’d Bert I Gordon (Earth Vs. the Spider, Village of the GIants, childhood favorite Empire of the Ants, etc). Too many characters survive. The mean ones die painful and hilarious deaths. The dumbest narrator in the history of film (yes, I’m including Diary of the Dead’s Deborah) slurs his way through a framing setup. Not a single creature looks anywhere near either a) real or b) large. If these descriptions don’t make you grin, this is not the movie for you.

High Points

Sorry, but I can’t not love a movie that has its female protagonist sweetly proposition the male hero with sex right as he’s about to set fire to a bunch of bear-sized rats

Low Points

For what it is, this is a perfect(ly bad) movie that will make anyone expecting an animals attack tale exceedingly happy. HOWEVER, a bone to pick with the ending: I’m not one to ever quarrel with a film that ends on what is supposed to be an ominous shot of a cow mooing into the future, but I don’t think the twist makes any of the sense Gordon was intending. See, ingesting the Food of the Gods makes you giant. Soooooo what’s the problem with drinking it in milk form, especially if all other creatures are already getting a head start? Shouldn’t you WANT to grow to insanely large sizes in order to better defend yourself?

Lessons Learned

Jobs for female bacteriologists are just not that easy to find

A plus side about shooting giant toxic bees: instead of exploding into gutty messes, their innards just melt and evaporate upwards

if you live on a farm, you’ll know everything there is to know about birthing babies (unless, I suppose, you’re black)

Rent/Bury/Buy

Currently streaming on Instant Watch, Food of the Gods is a riot and joy for those who enjoy awful ‘70s cinema. Great for kids or easily amused adults, it offers no intelligence, no scares, and no good taste. In other words, it’s some kind of wonderful.

Ants In My Bell Bottoms

Childhood is a fickle mistress. As a young lass growing up in the 80s, I spent many a day pitting Mr. Potato Head Kids against Smurfs, always with a VHS loaded and rolling in the background. One of those stalwarts of those recorded-off-cable days was Bert I. Gordon's Empire of the Ants, a 1977 monster movie loosely based on an H.G. Wells novel. Though I don't recall the film ever giving me nightmares, I had convinced myself that it was a well-done creature feature with a killer premise and frightening execution.

Wow. How our impressions change. Not that Empire of the Ants isn't enjoyable--my goodness is it entertaining....just not for the reasons I recall.

Quick Plot: Joan Collins divas it up as Marilyn Fryser, president of some land selling scam where wealthy fools are wined and dined in the hopes that they'll purchase a few acres of glorified swamp. Her Bruce Campbell lookalike boyfriend helps out while a surly sea captain huffs away with a no nonsense eye and even more no nonsense beard. The guests include a mildly would-be rapist, a penny pinching couple dressed in matching Kermit the Frog suits (not really, but kind of really), a drunken Joe David Carson, who seems like quite the catch to the spurned woman blond, a recently fired secretary fishing for sympathy and a lucrative investment, and a few other bodies tossed in to bland soap operatic effect. 

Oh yeah, and giant carnivorous ants that range in height from even with your knees to larger than a small yacht. By range in height, I don't mean workers vs. soldiers. Sometimes an ant approaches a character from a wide shot appearing to be the size of an RV trailer only to then shrink in closeup to be smaller than a yellow lab. This all depends on which effect is being used: are the ants actual live creatures climbing their way over, I kid you not, blown-up photographs of the set, or have the filmmakers switched back to the leftover animatronics used to much more terrifying effect in Them!?

For the first hour, our characters get some memorable chase scenes through a rainy jungle. Naturally, the caddish horndog leaves his wife to be eaten (because there’s no way a movie like this could resist featuring a helpless woman with a twisted ankle) while Bruce Campbell saves Joan only to then, well, be eaten. A guy can't win. A nice twist gets tossed in towards the third act when we meet the queen, whose talents are far more impressive than just laying eggs or doing the cupped hand wave. Sadly the film doesn’t quite capitalize on its human slavery/giant sugar bowl potential, but that’s not to say it doesn’t try.

Watching Empire of the Ants for the first time in probably 18 years, I can see why I would have loved this as a kid. The effects are ridiculous, but not dull. After a slowish opening that establishes every one dimensional character's sole dimension, the action is pretty steady, with a brief break to turn the story in a different direction. In no way is the film ever scary, but the cheese tastes good enough to melt over fries and enjoy with a beer. After all, this is coming from a director responsible for not one, not three, but EIGHT films (more than a few from the Gigantic Animal genre) prominently featured in memorable episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. The fact that Empire of the Ants managed to evade this may be its biggest accomplishment.

High Points

This isn't exactly something to be proud of from the filmmaker's point of view, but every time I heard the blatantly Jaws-ish soundtrack cues, I laughed like a schoolgirl

Ants are inherently disconcerting, what with their socialist attitude and unionizing abilities. Despite the middle school project quality if the special effects, the mere sight of a few ant closeups does make even the Amazing Colossal Man wrinkle his nose in minor discomfort

Low Points

The ant attacks basically involve shaking the camera while an actor "wrestles" a giant ant doll. Do the ants eat the bodies? It's unclear. One character seems to die because she's poked by an antennae. A little more specifics (am I really saying this?) on the ants' abilities would have been useful

So ants’ vision is the equivalent of covering a camera lens with a mesh t-shirt?

The lack of English subtitles wouldn't be so annoying if the audio wasn't so muffled, which is even more frustrating when the ants’ screams and beeps (because apparently ants scream and beep) weren't so painfully shrill and loud

Lessons Learned

Being nearly raped by a stranger should not in any way discourage you from pursuing the kinder eyed alcoholic stranger standing alone in the corner

Favorite cuisines of the ant world include sugar, radioactive waste, and people

The best way to assert yourself is to bite into an especially crunchy piece of celery

Contrary to many beliefs, candy does not make everything better

This one's for the ladies: in order to survive an army of killer ants, hedge your bets and latch yourself onto the right man 


Only those that are great in the sack should expect a justifiably high salary, at least if your boss is Joan Collins

Rent/Bury/Buy

Why this DVD's sole special feature is a far too revealing trailer I don't know, but Empire of the Ants is a fun ride for those fans of 70s cheese and, well, giant killer ants. Best rented from your local library or streamed via Hulu and certainly not for those without a sense of humor about their insect politics. A double feature DVD is out there with Tentacles, a film I haven't seen nor heard any recommendations regarding. Empire of the Ants won't creep its way into your nightmares, but it will make you smile enough for 90 minutes to warrant a lower real estate valued place in your collection.

But remember the tagline warning: it's no picnic!

Man, sometimes I really wish I was alive in the 70s.