Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Let The Shortening Begin!

Last February, loyal readers might remember how we lowered the ceiling of the Doll’s House for the First (Now) Annual Attack of the Vertically Challenged Villains. Never one to back down from creating a tradition, I hereby cut the ribbon on 2012’s entrance into all things little. There will be…

Short people!

Shrunken people!

Fire people!


Teenagers before their growth spurt!

Um, these things!

Will we discover something as jaw-dropping as last year’s abominably awesome Unborn Sins? Who will win the prestigious 2012 Golden Lifts Award For Excellence Under Average Height? Will there be possession by dwarf? Impregnation by angry spirits of Native American medicine men? Attacks in kink clubs by phallic shaped blood gnomes? Or more likely, will we be watching fading A-list stars like Renee Zellwegger and Kevin Costner fight their very own demon spawn?

Whether human or puppet or demon fetus, this month is sure to bring out the baddest in the most petite. Readers with their own blogs are encouraged to spread The Shortening around and send me their links to movies featuring things under 5’2. How else can we little people expect to take over the world and finally make “Ankle” the standard length for jeans on sale at the Gap?

Stop by tomorrow for the first induction, one that’s sure to get between you and your Calvin Kleins if you catch my drift (or something). Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s February 1st, meaning I’m currently celebrating the very first year anniversary of my 29th birthday. I can think of no better way to ring in a new decade (wait, I mean…second year of being 29) than to open a classy corked bottle of Ommegang beer, order nachos delivered to my doorstep, and pop in the one and only killer kid classic, Bloody Birthday.



  1. Holy shortbread its that time of the year!! ALso happy birthday to the Doll'stress!

  2. Isn't four years old for blog years?

    Got your email the other day and I will work something in so I can take part of your month long event here. Long live the Doll House!

  3. Happy birthday Emily.

  4. Happy Birthday and I find the pictures and text and thensome to come very exciting!

  5. Yay Heather! I'm excited!

    Thank you Teddy.

    Ashlee, it's going to be a blast! Hope you get in on the action too.

  6. Sounds like fun, Emily! Looking forward to seeing what delights you have in store for us. Oh, and belated birthday wishes! Hope the nachos, beer and killer kiddies went down well. ;)

  7. Thanks James! The nachos and beer really bring out the best in Bloody Birthday.

  8. I'm very excited to see what comes from little person month this time around, Emily, but not half as excited as I was when I, for a split second, thought you said something about drinking Omega Man beer. one can only dream...

    On a side note, Bloody Birthday is on Netflix instant now! I own it, but it's still cool!

  9. Yay for bringing Julie Brown's boobs to instant watch
    ! Everyone should get the chance to see them!

    And while Omega Man beer sounds amazing, I'm pretty sure Omnegang is on par. The only way I'm sticking with the apacolypse is if I can still drink my Ommegang, and yes, you can take that as my audition tape to be their sponsor.

  10. Happy (bloody) Birthday! As someone who is 5'0" I'm fully in sympathy with your cause! Even my "petite" jeans hit the damn floor... why do all clothing companies think the epitome of short is about 5'4"?! ARGH!

    Sorry, got a bit off-topic there. Anyway thank you for all the great entertainment and hope your birthday was awesome!


  11. My favorite clothing company myth is how they sometimes equate height to waist size. Old Navy used to be criminal at this: you'd compare a size 0 and size 12 pair of capris and the 0 would be sized for someone 5'1, the 12 for Elle MacPherson. 99% of the time, I have to have all my pants hemmed. AND they often put the 'short' or better yet, 'ankle' jeans on the top shelves for further insult. It's hard being us!

    Sigh. Thanks for the well wishes! I had an excellent karaoke party and drank enough to forget that I was turning 30.