Showing posts with label john waters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label john waters. Show all posts

Friday, August 19, 2011

I'm a Fat Guy!



I've got things to say folks, things that cannot always be contained through silent type. Hence, be prepared for an assault of my ACTUAL voice today when I guest star on Kevin Carr's fantastic film podcast/radio show, Fat Guys At the Movies. Each week, Kevin rounds up reviews and predictions on all the new releases hitting the theater and on Episode 226, I join in!




Be prepared for some prolonged discussion on Conan the Barbarian, One Day, Fright Night, Chris Sarandon's sexy toes, Heather Morris' glorious breasts, John Waters' innate magic, cinema's best vampire hunters, the best casino in Las Vegas, Step Up 3D, my childhood filmmaking career, The Muppets Take Manhattan, and goodness knows what else. Download it here or head to iTunes to subscribe for free. 


Enjoy your weekend kiddos and kiddettes. I promise to return next week with even more audio treasure. 
Hint. Hint. Hint.

Friday, July 30, 2010

One Hot Wax, Courtesy of the Lightning Bugg

With summer burning its way through our sanity, it's only fitting that I should accept a recommendation from not only an esteemed blogger, but one named for the season's rare good find. This month, T.L. Bugg over at The Lightning Bug's Lair has assigned me the 1999 low budget wackjob Hot Wax Zombies On Wheels while I ordered him a serving of the Hong Kong actionfest, We're Going to Eat You . Head over to the Lair  for his take as I dust off some leather for...




Aggressive campiness may very well be one of the hardest sub (sub) genres out there when it comes to film. How do you secure audience involvement when the very nature of your work is to not take itself seriously? Generally, the answer lies in attitude. For every John Waters joke that falls on its face, there’s the simple smile you find yourself making at the sheer silliness of what’s onscreen.
As you may surmise from its title, Michael Roush's Hot Wax Zombies On Wheels is 90 minutes of pure goofballary with little regard for sanity or sense. It features lots of hot wax, zero zombies, some wheels, many pairs of boobs, an offensive amount of kooky sound effects and enough puns to make the Crypt Keeper seethe.  Take those lactose pills and dig in:
Quick Plot:
The quiet town of Davenport gets rocked when a European waxing salon sets up shop. As quaint citizens line up to remove that pesky body hair (a phrase repeated just about every 65 seconds throughout the film), Sharon, the owner of the world’s tamest lingerie store, begins to suspect something amiss. Aided by her boyfriend’s best friend Sven (a barber with both a crush and a need to have hairy clientele), Sharon declares war on Yvonne, the she-beast waxist with a horrendous Halloween store wig and dangerously misguided early 90s sense of fashion.

So by this point, you may be wondering: is this a story about one woman’s resistance to hair removal? The question is valid. The answer is mostly.
See, there are a few minor kinks thrown into Hot Wax Zombies On Wheels (still no zombies or wheels though). For one, removing that pesky body hair doesn’t just make you feel smooth: it also turns you into an insatiable horndog. This is convenient enough when all your fellow villagers share your sudden lustful enthusiasm, but poor Sharon can’t seem to say goodbye to her Lady Bic..

Even though she must be sustaining a leg worth of nicks from never rinsing her razor. See despite the fact that Sharon’s career would seem to be greatly enhanced by her clientele’s increased libidos, this independent woman would much rather bike with Sven and make funny faces at the oddness going on around her (side effects include a newfound addiction to cleaning). Luckily for Sharon, a pair of traditional pun-spewing sailors are also on hand to help fight the villains. With sawdust.

The first issue that simply must be addressed is the title, a catchy but misleading name that saves itself by being sung in the opening scene. I’ll give my due to any film that manages to make a song out of “Hot Wax Zombies On Wheels,” though it would have been a little more justified had this film involved a single actual zombie. Sure, the townspeople do seem to lose their individuality in a Body Snatchers-esque way, but to call them zombies is to call the gigantic toads that plague Sam Elliot in Frogs ...well, it’s like calling them frogs. 

Putting titular issues aside, Hot Wax Zombies On Wheels remains a rather atrocious film that nevertheless gets more and more charming as it runs. None of the cast can actually act, but all truly do put every ounce of energy they have into having a good time. As a result, their enthusiasm eventually wears you down enough where you have to chuckle at what they do. Then again, for every clever pun that actually works, about twelve pass by with a loud thud. Such is the nature of cheap verbal slapstick.
High Points
If I did a pun-by-pun breakdown, I can’t say that the ones that worked hit the majority. Still, there are a few that end up being genuinely amusing, particularly the pure ridiculousness of those f*cking rats

I wouldn’t cast lead Jill Miller as Lady MacBeth, but she maintains a guilt-free attitude throughout the film that helps to make her likable enough for us to care about
Low Points
If you’re going to act like a horror sci-fi movie, can you at least give us some form of horror/sci-fiishness? Tanned bare breasts don’t please ALL audiences you know.

Don’t mind some of the odder evidence of low budget or 12 day shooting schedule, such as Sharon’s early conversation with her mother where for whatever reason, neither character makes any eye contact with one another
Lessons Learned
When wielded correctly, a roll of tinfoil is a powerful weapon
You’re never too old to cheat at Candyland

If there’s one thing Irishmen don’t like, it’s people who dare to creep inside their psyches
When you’ve reached the limits of human horniness, the next logical step is to join a swim team
If Sarah Palin can invent words like refudiate, then I suppose there’s nothing particularly wrong with Yvonne’s defiant use of the term ‘sensuism’
Rent/Bury/Buy
It’s hard to recommend this movie because in all honesty, it’s pretty gosh darn aggressively atrocious. At the same time, it’s made with such gung ho spirit that once you round out the first half hour, you just might find yourself cracking a smile. Most of the jokes are cornier than Nebraska, the boobs more artificial than Meg Ryan’s new mug and the story about as involving as a SyFy original, but those with a taste for good-natured trash may very well find enjoyment. The DVD includes a commentary with stars Miller and Somm, as well as director Michael Rousch who remains proud enough of his campy little film. Rent it--if you must-- with the knowledge that you’re not actually watching anything good...just a lot of American cheese grilled to a guiltily mild enjoyment.


And speaking of culinary delights, don't forget to follow the trail of butter all the way to The Lightning Bug's Lair for a hearty helping of We're Going to Eat You.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A Walk In the Woods With One Foxy Antichrist


"If Ingmar Bergman had committed suicide, gone to hell, and come back to earth to direct an exploitation/art film for drive-ins, [Antichrist] is the movie he would have made." John Waters
Many writers--myself included--use the term ‘polarizing’ far too much. “You’ll either love it or hate it,” we say, often as a way to excuse ourselves from responsibility when you rent it and, well, hate it. 
*Note that I probably used these exact words, or appropriate synonyms, when discussing The House of the Devil. 
That being said, it’s hard to think of a better person that fits such a word as Lars Von Trier. Aside, perhaps, from the more universally praised Breaking the Waves (a film that boasts one of the best performances of the decade, in my humble opinion), the majority of his work sharply divides viewers like few other directors working today. 
You’ve probably heard a lot of people call Antichrist ridiculous, gratuitous, and misogynist. It’s easy to do so, especially if you look past, ignore, or simply miss what I think is a major clue to Von Trier--or, more appropriately, Antichrist’s--actual story and theme. It may indeed by ridiculous and more than a tad gratuitous, but much to the dismay of many Dogville hating kittens, this is not a film about the evil of women.
Quick Plot: In a stunningly haunting black and white opening to rival every diamond commercial ever, Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe make love while their toddler tumbles out a window.

Yeah, this is not The Blind Side.
Thank Satan.
I can’t discuss Antichrist without blatantly going into plot detail, so for those of you who haven’t seen the film yet, accept one keyword for optimum viewing, then exit until viewed (oddly enough, now on Netflix Instant Watch but not DVD). Ready for your early present? Here it is:
Perception
Now scurry away like demonic little foxes and come back in 108 minutes.
As for the rest of you, let’s talk. 
Antichrist is a gorgeous and grotesque film, and also something pretty brilliant. Before you start throwing your hands up in the air or wagging rusty scissors at my clitoris, let me point to the most important moment in the story, the unlocking-the-box of Mullholland Drive, Rosebud itself, the talking fox.

Aside from being kind of adorable, it is, plain and simple, the turning point of the film because here is where we discover whose story is being told: He.
Dafoe, The Dude, The Not-Doctor, He of the Large Scrotal Sac, whatever. One of the biggest criticisms of Antichrist has been its misogyny and at the surface, that’s more than warranted. Gainsbourg’s She commits horrendous acts of violence and proves herself to have been a soulless mother who may very well have chosen an orgasm and thesis over the life of her child. Also, she can’t tell her right from her left, so she must be an idiot.
If you can’t tell from my Internet tone of voice, I’m being sarcastic. 

For the first half hour or so of Antichrist, we’re seeing genuine grief from She as He tries his own tricks to cure her. We’re near hypnotized by Gainsbourg and almost forget that Dafoe must be harnessing his own form of inner turmoil and guilt. Right when the fox opens his mouth, the film switches its neutral point of view, and everything that follows is filtered through Dafoe’s perspective.

Earlier signs point to his own instability and paranoia--think of the strange little infection He finds growing on his arm when he wakes up with the window open. But once we get to Chapter 3, nothing we see can really be trusted. Take, for example, the polaroid of Nicholas with his boots on the wrong feet. An innocent mistake a lot of parents (and occasionally, 28 year old women like me) probably make, but flashbacks--whose flashbacks?--reveal it to be total Shoegate and the sign of a truly twisted woman...mostly because that’s the image Dafoe now thrusts upon his wife. Back in the hospital, She tearfully accepted responsibility for the tragedy because she knew Nicholas could escape his crib, and now, with chaos free to reign, He rewrites the event to put all the blame on She. She saw Nicholas climb the table, purposely switched his boots, logged He’s privates and rammed a vice in his leg because, as the story now goes, women are inherently evil. 

Antichrist is not a misogynist movie, nor is it about misogyny. It's a story of the deepest despair a man and woman can possibly reach, and the horrors their own grief may then create out of desperation and avoidance. About a man who deals with his despair by assigning all the blame, both of this tragedy and the whole world, on the only other person left that can accept it. He is just as responsible for the death of their son, but his therapy involves dropping all of it on She, painting her as an almost medieval witch pent on the destruction of all the men in her life.
What actually happens in that third chapter? Having only watched the film once, I can’t really say just yet. I don’t know that I believe clitori are cut or crows broken. Violence occurs, but all we know of it is filtered through the eyes of a man in great emotional pain and in no way is his perspective to be trusted as fact. 
It’s His story, surreal, biased, judgmental and cowardly. Perhaps this is Lars Von Trier’s first film in recent years told from a male point of view. Not a bad start.
High Points
Dafoe and Gainsbourg go above and beyond the call of duty to give absolutely incredible and raw and brilliant performances

There’s an awful lot of shaky cam and extreme closeups, and they all work quite well to shake your own vantage point viewing a nightmare
Low Points
The very fact that Sandra Bullock will end Sunday night with an Oscar while Charlotte Gainsbourg will be home sipping wine

Did we need to see a certain closeup of a rarely seen (on non-porn) body part being mutilated? Probably not, but that’s Von Trier for ya and it’s as brave as it is disgusting
Lessons Learned
Putting your baby monitor on mute is about as logical as taking the caffeine out of coffee
The most important tool a grieving father can own is a wrench
Oak trees have an awful lot of acorns to shed just when you want to sleep

Rent/Bury/Buy
As long as you have a rough idea of what you’re in for, any film fan should at least see Antichrist with an open mind and possibly empty stomach. There’s a good chance you’ll despise the viewing experience, but just as sure a gamble that you’ll rate Antichrist a masterpiece. The performances are more than excellent, the imagery uniquely gorgeous, and the experience the kind that doesn’t come along every year. There’s also injured genitals and baby death, so it’s probably not the flick you tune in with the family between courses on Thanksgiving or pop in while babysitting a neighborhood child.

Unless you really hate your family or the neighborhood children.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Ho Ho Homicidal Breakdown



Whenever I make a list of famous living people I’d want to have dinner with, few rank higher than John Waters. Aside from the fact that he’s witty, impressively mustache’d, and adorable, he and I also seem to share similar taste in campy (intentional or otherwise) films that tend to polarize audiences. Witness his cameo in Seed of Chucky or his inclusion of Baxter on his 2006 series, John Waters Presents Movies That Will Corrupt You.
Christmas Evil (aka You Better Watch Out), a 1980 low budget production by Lewis Jackson, is, not surprisingly, a favorite of Baltimore’s best loved auteur. He even did a commentary on the special edition DVD (which, naturally, Netflix didn’t mail me...because I’ve been naughty). While this sad and unusual slasher (of sorts) doesn’t quite battle Faye Dunaway covered in Comet, it is a memorable little gem I’m glad to have finally found.
Quick Plot: 
As a young boy, Harry Stadling witnesses Mommy kissing Santa Claus which somehow plants a poisonous poinsettia seed of mixed love & hate for all things xmas. Fastfoward to the present, where the now middle-aged Harry (Brandon Maggart) works in a toy factory churning out subpar action figures. This is the low point of his day, as the other 18 hours are devoted to December 25th. Sleeping in Santa pjs, calisthenics to carols, and, most charmingly, keeping pristine records of which actions qualify a neighborhood child for placement on the Naughty and Nice list keep Harry smiling. And twinkling, which he seems to do every time he winks in the mirror. It’s quite adorable.

Sadly for Harry, nobody in New Jersey shares his unadulterated enthusiasm and finally, following a painfully drab office party, Harry decides to spruce up the season by delivering a few sleigh (or van)-fulls of toys to needy hospitalized children and performing impressive dance steps at strangers’ VFW parties. All is well and good until Harry decides to loiter in front of church just as the rowdy midnight mass crowd exits. Unable to take the snooty insults from strangely British Christians, Harry finally snaps in a gloriously homicidal fashion.


Christmas Evil predates Silent Night, Deadly Night by several years, but though it may seem, on the surface, as though the latter ripped off this thriller, the films are hardly on the same page. Where SN,DN is more mean-spirited ‘80s slasher, Christmas Evil is a thoughtfully sad, truly unique little delving into an unbalanced man’s mind. Think Taxi Driver, set during the holiday season and deep fried in gingerbread. If that doesn’t sound appealing, then you’re the biggest grinch of them all.
High Points
A kids-protecting-Santa scene took me back to a much loved, if not very good Christmas movie of the past, The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t, wherein the children of a small town save the big guy by paying his rent

Boy is Harry a dedicated role player! Not only does he try his darnest to squeeze down a chimney, he also restricts most of his weaponry to objects of the season, such as tree ornaments and sacks of toys. His attention to detail is more than admirable.

It’s an easy sight gag that can’t help but put a smile on your face: several rounds of police lineups with Santa Clauses. The Usual Suspects, you’ve been served (eggnog).


Maggart is surprisingly sympathetic in what could easily have been an Eric Freeman SN/DN2  caliber role. While he seems to have had a successful career guesting on TV shows (including the Snapple Lady starring sitcom Babes!), it’s disappointing that Braggart didn’t find more work in genre films
Low Points
Some might quibble with the grainy and stained transfer, but the poor quality of the images actually worked for the film, lending a rescued-from-the-garbage heap feel that felt appropriate

So aside from being mentally unbalanced, what actually made Harry so pre-inclined to murderous rampages? Watching Santa Claus run his hands over Mom’s garters?


SPOILER
SPOILER
SPOILER
At first viewing, I found the final image wonderfully magical and charmingly surreal. Then I read some discussion about the film describing how many people don’t realize that the “flying” is preceded by the clear sound of a car crash and thus, the sleigh transformation is actually symbolic of Harry dying. I’ve decided to completely ignore that “sound effect” or assume that’s just the noise his brother would make when rolling down a hill because you know what? I want to believe in miracles.
END OF SPOILER
Lessons Learned
If you give your son a name as stupid as Moss, you will be punished with raising a brat. And later marrying Tim the Tool Man Taylor.
The most dangerous member of an angry mob is the Cruella DeVille lookalike with the holly pin
New Jersey is home to unruly mobs itching to vengefully roam the streets with torches

How to Earn a Place on the Naughty List: 
Be a braggart
Tell fibs
Think impure thoughts
Have bad breath
How to Earn a Place on the Nice List:
Be just darling
Winning Line
“I have very superlative taste,” says Harry’s first victim while exiting church. I had to rewind this moment several times to confirm it, then giggle for a few minutes, and finally, try to figure out if it made grammatical sense and why a man would utter it while meeting a dirty St. Nick.

Rent/Bury/Buy
I fell in love with the oddness of this film, but it's certainly not a universal stocking stuffer. The first hour or so is more a tragic portrait of a man somewhere between Pee-Wee Herman and The Office's Kevin Malone, while the turning point sends Christmas Evil into early slasher territory with ornamental implements of messy destruction. Fans of holiday horror or bizarrely unusual genre-crossing cinema may do well to ask for the Special Edition to find its way under their tree, but those who prefer standard and slick cut-'em-ups may be left as baffled as a white person at Kwanza.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Un Chien Nihiliste



Many films are broken by poor narration--woe be to Diary of the Dead, which can function as a good movie if you ignore the monotone rambling of an incredibly unlikable character--but every once in a while, the right voiceover can open a story to new depths. Dexter would lose a lot of dry wit without Michael C. Hall's briilliantly honest musings, and Fight Club's rabid punch would be much softer were Edward Norton not such a linguistically gifted insominiac. Nobody likes hearing dull speakers recapping their autobiographies; the same goes for a bland performer underscoring the events of a film plot.



Since film is primarily a visual medium, narration must also be justified by the needs of a story. The studio cut of Blade Runner is such an abomination because Decker never seems to be the kind of man to articulate his feelings, much less ramble on about them for an unseen audience to share. On the other hand, The Prestige plays with a diary reading, Cockney speaking Christian Bale as he ties Hugh Jackman's magician in knots and advances the plot along the way.




Thankfully Baxter, a 1989 French thriller (of sorts) utilitzes one of the most refreshing and necessary narrators of recent film history: a sociopathic, philosophically minded, and positively adorable bull terrier that may or may not have been the European answer to the all American, Bud-Lite swilling Spuds McKenzie.


Quick Plot: With the Camus-esque voice of Maxime Leroux, Baxter tells us how he has always been fascinated by human beings. Soon he is plucked from a dog shelter and placed with an elderly, not overly canine-friendly woman who can't decide what to think about her underwear-sniffing companion. Baxter, however, is fairly sure how he feels: he loathes his new madam for her bland lifestyle (best represented by her sterile odor) and wastes little time finding a replacement family in the young, amorous couple next door. It's a dog's life until the arrival of a weak, disgusting creature commonly referred to as the baby. Luckily for Baxter, a young boy in desperate need of a best friend lives nearby. The typical game of fetch and obstacle course adventure follow cheerfully and it seems that our purebred has finally found his soulmate...except, of course, said soulmate happens to be a budding Hitler afficionado already constructing a neighborhood replica of the Fuhrer's suicide bunker.




I've met dogs like Baxter--usually, they're shiba inus, chows, or some other beatuiful but aloof breed--and, as someone who spent a few years working in the dog industry can say, I wouldn't put it past some canines to spout off Sartre or muse about the importance of discipline during their generous spare time. While I truly believe that most dogs want nothing more than a scratch on the belly and a bowl of kibble, there are certainly exceptions. Observe a police dog interacting with his master and you'll notice little affection but serious respect. There are indeed animals that prefer the latter. Personally, I'll keep my lick-happy lab mix, but damned if I'm not thoroughly fascinated and impressed by the complexities of the Baxters in the world.




High Points
The choice of a bull terrier as the lead is perfect: as dogs go, they have the capacity to do serious damage, but those petite bodies and oversized football heads (they always remind me of the Canadian South Park residents) add such a unique cuteness to their overall impression that it's easy to sympathize immediately with our antihero




Young Francois Driancourt's performance as Charles is thoroughly unsettling


Baxter's self-loathing during a sex scene (no doggie style jokes, please) is just plain hysterical


Low Points
Some of the human drama, including a typical teenage rebellion, fall a little flat when all we really want is to hear Baxter's observations


Lessons Learned
Telling a girl she looks like Eva Braun will get you some L-O-V-I-N', at least in 1980s France




Pavlov knew his shit


For a typical French teenager, the death of four puppies is far more tragic and unforgivable than the death of 6 million Jews


The Itching Flea Question
I had some hesitations about watching this movie as I fall into that ridiculously unbalanced demographic of people who can stomach monsters ripping open human stomachs but get teary eyed and offended at the slightest suggestion of animal violence. There is a small amount of dog attackage in Baxter, but thankfully, the editing makes it fairly clear that no bull terriers were harmed badly while filming. In terms of the story, the dog is portrayed as such an animorphosized character that you don't really look at him the same way as say, Will Smith's dream shepherd in I Am Legend. The best example of this comes during Baxter's Baby Plan: as you watch, consider where your sympathies lie and if and how they change.




Rent/Bury/Buy
Sadly this DVD is rather empty, with no special features explaining how many pups played Baxter or what happened to disturbingly good child actor Driancourt. Still, it's a wonderfully weird and unsettling film that's unlike anything I've ever seen. You probably won't recognize anybody involved with the production, but Baxter--a favorite of camp king John Waters--is certainly something to remember.