We're Going To Eat You (And You're Going To Like It)

A quick note: This is a review I wrote on March 12th of 2009 yet somehow forgot to press "publish" on Blogger because gosh darnit, I'm not quite the sharpest knife in the wooden knife holder. Anyway, it felt odd and dishonest to just say that I recently watched this film, so consider this vint-ahge.

Any movie titled We're Going To Eat You is pretty much bound to be fantastic. Notice how, despite the exploitationy name, there's no exclamation point? This movie is so confident in itself, it doesn't need overreaching punctuation.


Also, it's set on an island populated by hungry cannibals equipped with superior martial arts skills and tons of creativity. Hence, Hark Tsui's 1980 Hong Kong horror/action film qualifies as a classic. Still not sold? Let's throw in creepy masks, an amorous seven foot tall drag queen, multiple dismemberments, and a character who rolls a loose cigarette on a fellow combatant's head in the middle of a tussle.


You must see this movie.


Quick Plot: On a remote island village, the mostly male population has taken up a seemingly very tasty cannibal diet, much to the chagrin of Rolex (Melvin Wong), the right-hand man of the town's lonely but aggressive police chief (Eddie Ko). Enter a petite and graceful thief (Kwok Choi Hon) and Agent 999 (Norman Chu), a Never Nude pretty boy with pretty fierce fighting skills. 999 is on a mission to capture the fugitive Rolex, which proves to be quite difficult when the island's well-trained security force just wants some foreign cuisine.

The story is nonsense but the ride is divine. One thing that director Tsui does well is pacing: while some of the fight scenes go on longer than they need to, our focus is constantly alternating between a nice selection of wacky and fairly sympathetic characters. Thus, we never tire of seeing Agent 999 elude creepily masked madmen, a lascivious lady attempting to seduce a puny pickpocket half her size, or the townspeople feasting on the latest kill. The story movies and we just hang on.


High Points
The police chief's sensitivity while reading Oedipus Rex and tearing up over his lack of friends is just plain adorable

A bitchin' soundtrack includes a fitting contribution from Goblin


All the performances are a riot, but little Kwok Choi Hon steals the show as the tiny but tough vagrant with magnificent moxie


Low Points
While everything about his movie made me happy, I suppose I could quibble with the blood, which was thinner than Crystal Lite


A near tango scene during a viscous hand-to-hand battle is a tease


Lessons Learned
A basket of ducks, when used poorly, is a poor weapon


The best way to defeat a martial arts master is to hope that he eventually falls on a blade or stray piece of sharp bamboo


Syphilis is not a turnoff for a gigantress


Chain smoking will not affect your endurance


Stray Observation

The security guards' masks resemble the weirdly costumed background dancers who appear during Bette Midler's Broadway debut scene in 1988's Beaches. Did I just lose any horror cred by referencing the film that showcases The Wind Beneath My Wings?

Winning Line
"I'll feed you my farts!"
'Nuff said.


Rent/Bury/Buy
Despite the lack of special features, this DVD belongs in every home. I've never been a big fan of martial arts, but the work here is both beautiful and hilarious, from the savage opening to the um, hearty ending. An example of the awesomeness: my DVD skipped briefly, and the next thing I know, half the cast is on roller skates. A part of me is fairly confident that there was no actual explanation for this. That's the kind of movie this is. Brilliant fun and complete randomness. In other words, a classic in every sense of the word.