Home Sweet Smart Home

 

I have a smart oven. It's nice. I can turn the preheat function on while driving home to save some cooking time. I can turn the oven off without getting up from my chair to save my body from putting in a tiny bit of physical effort. I can turn the light on when I'm not home just to confuse my husband, which is fun.

Sure, life has been made about .00000000000275% easier by this addition to my life. 

I realize that when 'smart homes' are discussed, the stakes are a bit higher. Alexa calling emergency services or adjusting your thermostat for better efficiency is a bit different, and certainly has some genuinely helpful tricks for its inhabitants. But also, every aspect of our days do not require the intervention of a computer code.The obsession with turning more and more simple actions more complex so long as we don't have to do them is, to me, silly.

Onto the smart house horror movie. 

Quick Plot: Our prologue introduces us to a relaxing couple whose evening hits a roadblock when Margaux, their smart home hostess, goes homicidal.  

Somewhere a road trip away, graduating college senior Drew has corralled his scholarship buddies for one last weekend together in the aforementioned smart house. Among the crew are lovebirds Kayla and Devon, stoner Clay (Final Destination: Bloodlines' Richard Harmon), and programming whiz Hannah. 

The gang is happy to reminisce about their freshman year over Pringles bongs and beers, but their rhythm gets interrupted by the last minute crashing of Drew's influencer girlfriend Lexi. This is especially frustrating to Hannah, who's clearly been nursing a crush on Drew since orientation. She also has the added stress of being a computer nerd with a strong (and wise) distrust of AI and data collection. Margaux isn't exactly her dream home. 

At first, the house is splendid. Clay gets treated to the perfect buffet to satisfy his munchies. Kayla and Devon have a honeymoon suite perfectly stocked with their favorite sex accessories. Lexi thrives under the perfect lighting for selfies. What could possibly go wrong?

Obviously, everything. 

Directed by Steven C. Miller from a script credited to Chris Beyrooty, Nick Waters, and Chris Sivertson, Margaux is way better than you probably expected when I said, "today's movie is about a killer smart house." The concept is perfectly fine, even if Margaux's motives are a little fuzzier than they should be (considering Margaux likes to talk a LOT). What makes Margaux such a joy comes down to its characters.

Movies about pretty young people in peril are a standard in the horror genre. Often what separates the good ones from the bad isn't the creativity of kills, but the plain likability of a cast. In the case of Margaux, these young actors are quite good. They're all funny (not surprising if you've seen Richard Harmon's wonderful turn in that Final Destination MRI room) but more importantly, their actual relationships are real.

Take Kayla and Devon, the hot and horny couple obviously marked for an early end. They serve a time-honored role that's so familiar in teen slashers that we know not to be invested. AND YET! Phoebe Miu and Jordan Buhat are so charming that it's impossible not to be gutted when Margaux inevitably has her way. They establish such a believable chemistry that it makes their fully expected death scene have a deep impact.

It would have been so easy for these characters to be silly one-note stereotypes. Some movies seem to even encourage actors to push audiences to root for their deaths. But that's really not the case here. Even interloper Lexi (gamely played by Vanessa Morgan) doesn't deserve Margaux's cruelty. I really wanted the best for these kids!

There are also plenty of good ideas and creativity at heart in Margaux. I liked some of the third act's twists, although the biggest one feels a bit impossible to track in a frustrating way (that will likely make sense if you've seen it). With a bigger budget and maybe a tad more time, I think this could have truly been great. Those details aside, Margaux was satisfying for me from beginning to end. That's not something I expected to say about the killer smart house movie nobody talked about.

High Points

Seriously, this young cast is simply filled with fresh talent that I'm excited to see again. Go Canada!

Low Points

You can cover up a low budget in a lot of clever ways, but Margaux's cartoon CGI robot arms feel bargain bin even by, let's say, SyFy Channel standards

Lessons Learned

The smarter you are, the dumber you will act in the face of emergency

Never mess with a brand ambassador

Nobody is impressed with smart houses

Rent/Bury/Buy

I had a blast with Margaux. It has a great young cast, sharp writing, and some genuinely creative sequences that felt fresh. It's a big recommend (currently streaming on Amazon) and the kind of movie that makes me really excited to see more from its team. 

Time for a Good Wax

 

Is there a horror fan alive who doesn't love a wax museum?

I'd guess not, even though there's a good argument to be made that we've never actually had a great wax museum movie. Yes, the Waxwork flicks are fun and every variation of House of Wax is melty in all the best ways, but you know, neither franchise really produced an actual GREAT film. 

IS THIS THE DAY THAT ALL CHANGES? 

Quick Plot: At the start of the 20th century, Parisian police discover a grisly crime scene that turns their stomachs. A couple has been brutally slain, body parts scattered around the room or missing. The only witness is their young daughter Sonia. Inspector Lavin vows to solve the crime, but twelve years pass without a lead.

Grown and gorgeous Sonia is now on the job hunt in Rome, where she lands a wardrobe position at the city's newest attraction: a wax museum specializing in violent tableaus. The spot has already been in the news after a young man of leisure died inside after taking on a dare to spend the night.  

Surely there's nothing to worry about! It's just a wax museum! That ... focuses on violent tableaus, including the murder of Sonia's parents.

It doesn't take long for Sonia to suspect curator Boris and his creepy assistant Alex. She quickly teams up with reporter Andrea to investigate (along with some other things). Meanwhile, good old Inspector Lavin comes to town determined to help. Along the way, a few Romans of all ages disappear, with oddly similar faces debuting later in waxy glory.

Made in 1997, Wax Mask (not "Wax Max", as I keep writing, which feels very Rural Juror of me for those who understand) is gooey and gross and feels wonderfully out of time. There's a true Hammer Horror style in its bones, but those bones are also covered in wildly grand practical monster makeup and random callbacks to The Terminator.

I loved it.

Wax Mask apparently began as a Lucio Fulci project, but his death saw producer Dario Argento pass the reins on to special effects maestro Sergio Stivaletti. There was certainly some heft lost in the transfer. The acting is a bit stiff, even if you push most of that blame onto weird dubbing. Perhaps more importantly, Fulci (admittedly my personal favorite of the genre's Italians) might have come at the material with something to say. 

Instead, we get something that looks really, really cool.  

High Points

Seriously: Stivaletti holds nothing back in giving us hot acid baths, robot hands, essence-sucking waxing, and so much more

Low Points

I still don't understand the exact connection between Sonia and Boris, or Alex's actual opinion on things, or, you know, anything about the characters. Thankfully, I don't really care

Lessons Learned

Being an investigative photojournalist was a lot harder when cameras were the size of Warwick Davis

Every movie set in a wax museum must end with a very drawn out fire (I don't make the rules, but I do love them)

I never thought this had to be said, but here we go: when conducting an autopsy, it's important to check for a heartbeat before, you know, slicing into a possibly living chest

Rent/Bury/Buy

I flipped on Tubi one morning when I was frustrated with having to think too hard, and what a perfect decision I made. Wax Mask is silly and gross and in a word, grand. Have fun.

Time Flies

 

It's sometimes hard to believe that for a good dozen years, zombies were not cool. Just try to bring your VHS copy of Dawn of the Dead to a '90s middle school slumber party. I certainly did. A LOT. 

No wonder I wasn't usually invited back. 

2002 was kind of a game changer. After a long draught, we suddenly got two fairly successful big screen releases that seemed to give us the classic Romero-esque feeling with fresh new rules (and yes, the irony of saying 'Romero-esque' when the king himself was fired from Resident Evil is not lost on me). 

28 Days Later rewrote what the genre could do, and its followup gave us a promising continuation that sadly stopped in its tracks. Skipping 28 Months, we somehow ended up, two dozen years later, with a back-to-back release of the long-awaited third and fourth chapters. 

Here we go. 

Quick Plot: In the early days of the rage virus, a small town in the Scottish Highlands does its best to protect the children. Only young Jimmy survives. His minister father heartily embraces the end of the world, as Jimmy watches the infected tear the man apart. 

Some 28 years later (TITLE!), we learn that the outbreak of 28 Weeks Later was contained to Great Britain. Any non-infected there have been left to survive on their own, creating their own societies or being absorbed by the far angrier ones. 

One Scottish community has built a fairly well-run system of isolation. Citizens are welcome to leave and return via the ominous causeway, but there's a signature 10 second delay before you're let back in with a bloody eye check. 

The most common trip is a coming of age ceremony reserved for teen boys. Spike (the wonderful Alfie Williams), a sensitive and capable 12-year-old, embarks on the journey with his father Jamie, much to the protests of his ailing mother Isla (equally pristine Jodie Comer). Their trip is a bit more eventful than either was hoping, but they make it back safely. 

Having now killed a few infected and seen a different part of the world, Spike is not okay. His celebratory party turns sour when he witnesses his father's affair and discovers that there's a doctor living in fairly close, albeit extremely dangerous proximity. Could he help cure Isla? There's only one way to find out. 

Spike and Isla embark on their own trip towards Dr. Kelson (a fascinating Ralph Fiennes). There are quite a few surprises along the way that I wouldn't dare spoil, but I suppose it's important to note that the zombie scares aren't really the priority. Boyle spares nothing in showing both their decay and growth (and penises; so many glorious infected penises). But much like the first film in this (now) series, this is a story more interested in what it means to stay human when the world has moved towards violence.

28 Days Later was a groundbreaking film for big screen horror. Coming out just a few months after Resident Evil, it seemed to remind the mainstream that zombies were not just viable monsters, but that they could be interpreted in different ways. Yes, this launched a rather insufferable online discourse that went on for several years about whether the undead can run (a debate rekindled two years later with the Dawn of the Dead remake) and whether Danny Boyle's infected even qualified as zombies. 

I can't overstate this: you could not MENTION this movie without having to give your opinion on this topic.

But guess what? Alex Garland's script for 28 Years Later ACTUALLY USES THE Z-WORD so we'll never have to argue about this again.

Back in 2002, 20-year-old me went to the theater THREE TIMES to see 28 Days Later. I can still remember the thrill of watching 28 Weeks Later's opening scene and thinking, "WE'VE GOT A FRANCHISE!" 

Well, part 2 took 5 years. Part 3, another 18. 

And that's just fine, because it feels like Garland and director Danny Boyle took that entire lifetime between and let their world evolve. There are certainly political elements to 28 Years Later that feel immediate, but there's also a deep meditation on life and death that feels timeless. 

Oh, and the zombies are pretty neat.

High Points

I say this a lot, but that's because it's always true: making your characters good people goes such a long way in making your movie good

Low Points

Knowing the sequel had already been filmed, I wasn't bothered by the film's wild last minute tonal switch that leaves you hanging, but I can fully understand why most viewers would reach that last reel and say, "what the fu-?"

Lessons Learned

Watching the Teletubbies in conjunction with the most violent moment of your life will have some pretty kooky effects

Berserk is a better term than alpha any day

Iodine is the body lotion you didn't know you needed

Rent/Bury/Buy

I had a grand time with 28 Years Later, but that definitely comes from having, well, 24 years of a deep relationship with this almost-series. I'm quite curious how it plays for more casual fans. See you all in the Bone Temple!

Monkey Trouble

Welcome to The Shortening! For February, we adjust the height on our camera to focus on movies featuring vertically challenged villains. If you have your own blog or podcast and plan to do the same, be sure to leave a note in the comment with your links!

Final Destination, but with a monkey-topped organ grinder in the Death role? Sign me up!

Quick Plot: Hal is having a hard time being twelve. His father Petey disappeared long ago, leaving his pessimistic mother Lois alone to raise Hal and his cruel twin brother Bill. 

Dad's career as a pilot left the family with a bundle of foreign objects and thingamajigs. While rummaging through his supply, the boys discover an organ grinder featuring a maniacally smiling monkey. They think little of it after turning its key, but later that night, their beloved babysitter dies in a freak accident at a hibachi restaurant. 

Hal quickly connects the dots. After one more round of brutal bullying, he snaps and decides to wind up his monkey again in the hopes that it will claim Bill. Unfortunately, he learns too late that the monkey's targets are out of his hands. Instead of his brother, it's his beloved mother who drops dead.

After a few more rounds of odd deaths, Hal and Bill drop the cursed object in a deep well and move on with their rather unhappy lives. 25 years down the road, Hal works a menial job and has a strained relationship with his teen son Petey, so much so that his ex-wife is starting the process of transferring parentage to her new husband (the delightful but underused Elijah Wood). 

Their plans change when Hal discovers his aunt has died in a bizarre but somewhat familiar freak accident. Bill is convinced the monkey has returned, so Hal heads back to his small Maine hometown to investigate. 

From there, a lot of people die.

In increasingly amusing ways.

I've seen most of Osgood Perkins' filmography (the exception being I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives In the House and the new Keeper) and every time, I've found myself wanting to like them so much more than I could. The Blackcoat's Daughter is beautifully filmed but narratively empty, while Gretal & Hansel never came together for me. I'm in the minority on thinking Longlegs was just dumb, and not in a campy intentional way. My working theory is that Perkins is a much better director than he is writer. 

With all that in mind, I went into The Monkey without too much hope. 

For the second time in a row, it was a joy to be proven wrong.

The Monkey is FUN. It's mean but not cruel, and tonally so clear on what kind of story it's telling and how it must be told. This is a black comedy that establishes itself from the very opening scene and constantly reminds us by having virtually every character that isn't Hal (and even to an extent, Hal) be such an inappropriate weirdo that you wonder if Nicolas Cage's Longlegs villain didn't come from this same town. 

High Points

I really do mean it when I say the tone of The Monkey is consistently bananas in the best way. It starts with a bonkers opening scene with Adam Scott, but really solidifies itself during the most inappropriate eulogy you can imagine at the film's first funeral

Low Points

Playing twins should be an actor's dream, but Theo James never really seems to seize the moment

Lessons Learned

The best way to teach your kids about death is to pair the conversation with ice cream cones

The most surefire way to bond with an adolescent boy is via the art of dance

Nothing cramps your swinger lifestyle faster than guardianship of teen twins

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was genuinely surprised by how much I enjoyed The Monkey. It knows exactly what it wants to be, and achieves it with a wildly high level of camp. Find it on Hulu when you need a nasty laugh.

You Ain't Never Had a Field Trip Like Me

 

In 1999, my high school social studies teacher gave our class the assignment to make a movie that had something to do with American history. Naturally, I convinced my friends that the only story worth telling was Zombies Ate My Classmates, an educational horror film about a group of students who break into a museum, desecrate valuable artifacts, and then spend the night fleeing undead historical figures.

We got an A, and I've spent the last 26 years wondering what it could have looked like with a bigger but still very small budget. 

Apparently, a lot like The Lamp!

Quick Plot: A prologue set in 1893 sees a young woman land in Galveston, Texas, with her mother. Before they can locate the nearest queso, mom puts on a sparkly bracelet and releases a homicidal djinn, killing the boat crew in the process. The girl manages to flee with the bracelet and magic lamp, keeping it safe for a good 90 years until a trio of horny robbers breaks in to ruin everything.

With the old woman murdered and the robbers hacked up, the artifacts end up in the Houston Museum of Natural Science. Like, the actual museum, which is used as the filming location for The Lamp. 

THAT'S REALLY COOL. 

Chief archeologist Dr. Wallace is excited to investigate the new pieces, though his teen daughter Alex would rather he just, you know, BE A DAD. In fact, she even wishes he was dead!

Kind of!

The wording isn't that specific but it's good enough for a genie. Alex commits the unforgivable sin of trying the bracelet on and before you can sign a permission slip for a museum field trip, an ancient demon sneaks his way through her feathered hair.

The timing couldn't be worse for Alex or better for the genie. Her friends are eager to hide out in the museum for a night of premarital sex and cheap beer. While good Alex would discourage such behavior, possessed Alex is all for it. Throw in her psychotic ex-boyfriend and his sidekick, and you have a whole menu of potential victims to be murdered by historical artifacts.

When the credits rolled, only to be followed by the rare pre-2010 post-credits stinger, I found myself screaming this question: why oh why did director Tom Daley make only this movie?

It's so fun!

Yes, the kills are creative and weird. The actual story is fresh, and the setting is obviously massively neat. But we also get some neat character work! A cool archeologist dad, his daughter's open-minded boyfriend, an opera-singing security guard...there's a lot here!

I'm using a lot of exclamation points because I found this movie so satisfying!

High Points

This movie includes death by ceiling fan, haunted spear, cobra bites, and masks. HOW IS IT NOT MORE KNOWN?

Low Points

Could I have done without the sexual assault? Yes, I certainly could have done without the sexual assault

Lessons Learned

You know it's far out if the armadillos won't go

Texas bullies in the early '80s were racist sociopaths, which is why high school teachers were apparently trained in martial arts

Chicks love baths

Rent/Bury/Buy

I kind of loved this movie. It's not an immaculate piece of art fit for the Houston Museum, but by golly, it's incredibly fresh...even if it's no nearing the age of 40. As I've said several times in recent years, it's a delight to discover so much under the radar horror from eras we thought we knew. Thanks Shudder!