2011
Culinary Arts & Fine Dining
Unlike burgers or a fine Ver-sace gown, Alien baked brownies do indeed suck--The Unhuman
You can always count on a diner waitress to be named Midge. Also, for her to burn people alive--Dead and Buried
Creepy backwoods preacher men aren't particularly interested in your newfound decision to go vegan--Children of the Corn: Genesis
Wieners don't have to be boring, you know--7 Dwarfs
Beans is good. Just heat ‘em up and they’re good to go*
*Ancient Iroquois wisdom --Skeleton Man
Rules of the Road
There’s an art to a good convoy, and it apparently includes introducing yourself awkwardly at rest stops--Amusement
When choosing one's vehicle for vampire hunting in the post-apocalypse, always consider the mechanics of the trunk--Stake Land
Doctors notes for claustrophobia do not get you out of wearing your seatbelt--The Vanishing
Math Class Is Hard
If you use your rifle to secure every door you close behind you, you will eventually run out of rifles--The Horde
Counting down from 100 by 7s is hard at any age--Pin
English Grammar & Vocabulary
The definition of a Las Vegas penis: heat sinking moisture missile--Leprechaun 3
The word ‘crap’ is quite tacky--Holiday In Handcuffs
Sometimes an apostrophe can go wherever it wants, whether it belongs there or not. Hello, Dream Model’s!--Birdemic
Small Town Matters
Too much riff-raff will give a town a bad name--Trog
Small towns are often victim to plot points that involve unread faxes--Christmas Caper
Town dumps are generally closed on Thanksgiving--Alice’s Restaurant
Campus Life
In order to keep your enjoyable teaching job, remember to occasionally go to school and teach--Ghost Story
Sororities aren’t all that bad. They just make you do horrible things to test your loyalty--The Initiation of Sarah
The best way to seduce a sexy coed is to slowwwwwwwwwwwly take your shirt off and let her stare at your chest for approximately 45 seconds--Silent Scream
If going on a coed camping trip with a bunch of college students, expect that every attached male will be aggressively hitting on every attached female--The Fear
Frat houses tend to keep a ready inventory of industrial strength waterproof glue on hand, perhaps to ensure football trophies can always be safely put back together in case of accidents--Drive-In Horrorshow
When filling out your college housing application, don't forget to make a special note that you're allergic to theater majors--Red Hook
Global Studies
In Norwegian, “This is going to hurt a little” translates as “This will cause searing pain that will make you wish you were dead”--Cold Prey
You're never too old to play with dolls, at least not in Lapland--Rare Exports
There are no black people in snowglobes--Snowglobe
If you’re from the Valley, you are also not smart--Haunted Boat
No one goes without a hat in China--Tremors 4
African blonds get incredibly offended when no one will sleep with them. They also dress in the kind of Sexy Policewoman costumes generally reserved for Halloween stores or adult shops--Snake Island
Diener is German for servant...and there’s nothing weird about a white doctor pointedly telling that to his black assistant--April Fools
In the 1970s, Korea was home to many statues of tiny cows--A*P*E
Animal Care
After future pet DJ Chocolate Thunder, my next cat will be named Claws Kinski--Crawlspace
Low down kai-oats are responsible for most problems in the world--The Terror of Tiny Town
Parenting & Child Rearing
Small children shouldn’t have pillows--The Nanny
James Brown is almost as good as Daddy--Call Me Claus
When giving birth, one can expect the following:
Pain
Contractions
You’ll push and push
There will be a little head
Then you push again
Then something emerges, just like a baby dolphin
Oh, and finally, you’ll cut the cord yourself--Baby Blood
In addition to producing vitamins and soreness, breastfeeding might provide you with a brand new sense of Shakespearean villainy--A Simple Plan
The best way to show your unhappy psychic teenage daughter that you love her is to send the kid four thousand miles away for the next year of her life--The Spell
Much like those hungry Cabbage Patch Kids form the late ‘90s, feeding a tree bark baby will run you the risk of having your ponytail eaten as dessert--Little Otik
You know you have an absentee dad when only the butler knows how you take your steak--Cancel Christmas
Always dress your child in bright colors, particularly if you’re going to be chasing her around in the dark woods for the bulk of your story and a shimmery yellow raincoat improves visibility tenfold--Wake Wood 
The Human Body
After being stabbed in the gut, the best course of action is to drink water and dab the wound with a fluffy towel--Blood Games
A piece of tattooed flesh will last several weeks when safely stored in a Ziploc bag--The Fan
A bullet in your gut won’t kill you, but one in your upper left breastbone six inches away from your heart will do so instantly--Blood Harvest
Skin-melting acid will not harm your body if you immediately remove all clothing as soon as it touches you--Roller Blade
Getting stabbed in the neck with a pen kind of hurts--Cold Fish
When a bullet grazes you, it also knocks you out and makes you bleed profusely to the point that in no way could you possibly be mistaken for alive--Halloween: Water
The human heart has four chambers and if you don’t know that, Roddy McDowell will blow your face off--Class of 1984
Modern Medicine & the Healthcare Field
An allergy to anesthesia can be a pain, but if you happen to have a fetish for that kind of thing, it's also really convenient--Oral Fixation
Always read up on whatever hospital you’re admitted to. It’d be a shame if you end up in one where no nurses ever stop by to check your life support system’s status--Pinocchio’s Revenge
The biggest limitation of the medical profession is that you can’t write a prescription to fight evil--The Devil Within Her
The Best Rest
If you’re having trouble sleeping after a traumatic event, perhaps setting an evil-looking doll facing your bed is not the best idea, particularly when said evil-looking doll was delivered to you mere moments before said traumatic event--Dead Silence
If you’re having trouble sleeping after a traumatic event, perhaps setting an evil-looking doll facing your bed is not the best idea, particularly when said evil-looking doll was delivered to you mere moments before said traumatic event--Dead Silence
Survivalism
Never underestimate the importance of glow sticks. Never.--Vanishing On 7th Street
History Lessons
1980s era blonds were allergic to bras--Bloody Birthday
Contrary to popular belief, Romans did not keep pet dinosaurs--The Lair of the White Worm
Breast implants, tattoos, and hoop earrings were popular choices for 1880s saloon prostitutes--7 Mummies
Any movie made in the ‘90s that featured pregnancy as a major plot point was required to culminate in multiple babies being frantically born on the same stressful evening (see Father of the Bride Part 2, Nine Months)--Junior
In 1964, the price for a slightly used life was precisely three times a regular salary--The Flesh Eaters
The Awkward Shimmy rivaled The Charleston for popular dances of the 1920s--The Nutcracker In 3D
Humanitarian Efforts
You know, there are starving children in China who would kill to eat those grapes. (Note: this comment is directed towards vampires who seem to thrive on wasting decadent banquets)--Nosferatu
Fashion Sense
One would assume skin-tight leather pants are a poor choice when planning on engaging in street battles with talented martial artists. One would be so very, very very, very wrong--Gangland
Always get two purses in the same design (make one beige) so you can sneak out the window when scared of midgets--Unborn Sins
Oversized sweaters with full body bald eagle prints will drive the male mall crowd WILD--The Kiss
What's in for goblin style in 2010: Assless chaps, Grim Reaper hoodies, and bone earrings--Goblin
So long as the snow is falling in an elegant manner, there’s no need to ever put on a sweater--Red Riding Hood
It is possible to look good in a green lame three-piece suit. It’s possible, but not easy for mere mortals. Not easy at all...--Rockers
Stink + satin = bad times--Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2
Afterschool Activities
One can learn how to play the drums in the same short amount of time it takes to learn rough conversational Portuguese--Love Actually
Hair Tips
Corn rows flatter no white woman--Stuck
In death, your hair will grow to appropriate J-horror ghostess lengths--Phone
Bad bangs are often a sign of a bad soul--Blood Gnomes
Pompadours don't look any more normal on gothic children than they do on Korean dictators--The Innocents
Ethics
It’s wrong to steal (it’s in the Bible and it’s one of the 10 commandments)--Black Devil Doll From Hell
British people have odd ideas of pajamas, unless skeleton t-shirts, white riding pants, and boots are actually comfortable--The Devil’s Chair
Matching your pajamas to your family members is really just asking for a demon thing to come take one of you away--Insidious
Sleeping in the nude can be slightly inconvenient, especially if you're babysitting small children or expecting a serial killer to break in--Visiting Hours
Military Intelligence
The typical uniform for a S.W.A.T. team member involves a comfortably loose-fitting t-shirt--Are You Scared
Mimes can make surprisingly effective--and silent--spies--Q The Winged Serpent
Criminal Justice
Never kick away evidence at a murder scene when the ominous score is so clearly telling you not to--Don’t Torture a Duckling
You can’t break a cop’s wrist! (except you totally can)--Witch’s Sabbath
In prison, being someone’s bitch means you have to help sneak in their drugs. And that’s just about it--Dangerous Worry Dolls
Avoid trusting police officers with questionable diamond earrings--Nite Tales
Undercover policing is strictly volunteer--Pieces
When describing a killer to a cop, be sure to list his size, whether he has a chain, and if there's a hole inside of his head. Most law enforcement employees will nail that one on the first try--See No Evil
Instincts don’t solve cases--Exte
Like so much else in Italy, policeman pants are exceedingly sexy--Spellcaster
The best way to unite warring youth gangs is to make them band together in an effort to battle Hyena People--Hyenas
Much to the chagrin of eager cleaning ladies, one cannot just dust around fingerprints at a crime scene--The Blob
Never kick away evidence at a murder scene when the ominous score is so clearly telling you not to--Don’t Torture a Duckling
You can’t break a cop’s wrist! (except you totally can)--Witch’s Sabbath
In prison, being someone’s bitch means you have to help sneak in their drugs. And that’s just about it--Dangerous Worry Dolls
Avoid trusting police officers with questionable diamond earrings--Nite Tales
Undercover policing is strictly volunteer--Pieces
When describing a killer to a cop, be sure to list his size, whether he has a chain, and if there's a hole inside of his head. Most law enforcement employees will nail that one on the first try--See No Evil
Instincts don’t solve cases--Exte
Like so much else in Italy, policeman pants are exceedingly sexy--Spellcaster
The best way to unite warring youth gangs is to make them band together in an effort to battle Hyena People--Hyenas
Much to the chagrin of eager cleaning ladies, one cannot just dust around fingerprints at a crime scene--The Blob
Responsible Ownership
A cell phone’s place is never in the bathroom. Really people, you’re in a horror movie set in the 21st century. Don’t give the Laws of Getting Rid of Phones any leeway--I Spit On Your Grave
A cell phone’s place is never in the bathroom. Really people, you’re in a horror movie set in the 21st century. Don’t give the Laws of Getting Rid of Phones any leeway--I Spit On Your Grave
Before activating your apocalyptic vampire relic, you should really consider reading that owner’s manual--Dylan Dog: Dead of Night
Love & Dating
"I say we just go back to your house and make out” might SOUND sexy in your head, but saying it out loud will most certainly lead instead to a group date--House of Fears
Telling folks that your dad is Mick Jagger won’t get you chicks, but it will get you a free round of fancy martinis--Gossip
You should know you’re on a date from hell when your gentleman caller earnestly asks “Tell me more about your mother”--Starved
The Feminine Mystique
Love & Dating
"I say we just go back to your house and make out” might SOUND sexy in your head, but saying it out loud will most certainly lead instead to a group date--House of Fears
Telling folks that your dad is Mick Jagger won’t get you chicks, but it will get you a free round of fancy martinis--Gossip
You should know you’re on a date from hell when your gentleman caller earnestly asks “Tell me more about your mother”--Starved
Post-coital secret sharing only works when you or your partner enjoy the coitus--Forest of Death
A great way to meet an eligible bachelor? Fight off a rapist down the hall--Scissors
The best way to rekindle romance is to be impregnated in the back by a Native American medicine man--The Manitou
The Feminine Mystique
Bitches always keep their last names--5ive Girls
Arms & Weaponry
Rocket launchers are surprisingly lightweight--Karoake Terror
Chekhov’s Law: If a homemade mace is introduced in the first reel, you best use that homemade mace by the fifth--Deathwatch
A samurai is also known as a hobo with a sword--Doll Graveyard
The longbow is quicker to load AND farther in flight. Take THAT buck of tar!--Black Death
Rocket launchers are surprisingly lightweight--Karoake Terror
Chekhov’s Law: If a homemade mace is introduced in the first reel, you best use that homemade mace by the fifth--Deathwatch
A samurai is also known as a hobo with a sword--Doll Graveyard
The longbow is quicker to load AND farther in flight. Take THAT buck of tar!--Black Death
The greatest war tactic of all time might indeed involve unleashing your secret weapon upon the enemy, and by secret weapon, I am of course referring to a clown armed with a machete--The Last Circus
Office Relations
Before you can confess your sins to your employer, you must first be friends--Attack of the Puppet People
Before you can confess your sins to your employer, you must first be friends--Attack of the Puppet People
Heroism
Any red-blooded American would climb up an elevator shaft--The Falling
When the going gets tough, the tough order pineapple pie with ice cream on top --Day of the Animals
Any red-blooded American would climb up an elevator shaft--The Falling
When the going gets tough, the tough order pineapple pie with ice cream on top --Day of the Animals
Family Dynamics
Slutty sisters let their toenails grow insanely long--Trilogy of Terror
A daughter who has to pee is a great ticket out of a dull conversation about your work--Beware! Children At Play
In the 1970s, fondling your sister was one way to make a living--The Sentinel
A daughter who has to pee is a great ticket out of a dull conversation about your work--Beware! Children At Play
In the 1970s, fondling your sister was one way to make a living--The Sentinel
Biology 101
A shiv is not the recommended weapon when facing a grizzly bear--Grizzly Park
Sharks love seals (and really, who doesn't?)--The Reef
Sensory Pleasures
Pop is the sound of Gary Coleman bursting your bubble--A Carol Christmas
Introduction to Anthropology
People who feel like outcasts and spend the majority of their lives whining about the world on the Internet are generally much more in shape and attractive than the majority of happy well-adjusted members of society--The Hanged Man
American accents are a recessive gene--Melancholia
Bathing & Hygiene
Stoning completely ruins your makeup--Christmas With a Capital C
Stoning completely ruins your makeup--Christmas With a Capital C
Taking a bath when cast in a horror film is one of the dumbest things a woman can do--The Sitter
Having your face shoved in tropical mud on a weekly basis can do wonders for your complexion--Boot Camp
Real Estate For Dummies
Your first mistake in obtaining a haunted house: purchasing your home from a mall-stationed real estate agency and a man with a shiny ponytail--The Baby’s Room
Your first mistake in obtaining a haunted house: purchasing your home from a mall-stationed real estate agency and a man with a shiny ponytail--The Baby’s Room
2010
Is it really that time of the year again? We're just two days short of The Deadly Doll's House's second birthday, a day that calls for a little lovin' and a lot o'learnin'. Even with a three-day deathwalk into limbo (thanks, Gmail hacker, for the best New Year's gift ever), we managed to cover about 70+ films that taught us everything from how to dress during time travel to why not to be a census taker.
Hence, get your notebooks out and number 2 pencils sharpened. It's time for the annual roundup of Lessons Learned!
Fashion
When staging a huge police ambush, bulletproof vests are optional and not encouraged if you think it might make your leatherwear less sexy--Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
Girls, how many Saw IVs and Piranha 3Ds do you have to see before you get it: when in a horror movie, pack a hair tie and for the love of Pantene, USE IT!--Piranha 3D
When attending a party hosted by little people, try to avoid sporting a gigantic updo that adds about 6” to your already towering height--Tiptoes
Calla lilies make an elegant and surprisingly convenient wedding bouquet, particularly when you need to conceal a crow bar but don’t want to clash-A Boy and His Dog
The bigger the accessories, the bigger the racist--The Blind Side
When conducting an exorcism, nothing says fashion like a tear-away robe--The Exorcist III
In the '70s, vertically striped pants and mint green collared shirts earned you the description, "dishy"--And Soon the Darkness
Front-opening bras are useful for kitchen makeout sessions and quickie button-ups, but rather weak when it comes to actual chest support--The Collector
Like any person that loves comfort, Satan is not above lounging in a fluffy bathrobe--Vengeance of the Zombies
The most appropriate uniform for fighting carnivorous cave people is a smoking pair of hot pants--The Descent 2
Always be sure to wear a nude nylon stocking over your face when planning on killing a high profile businessman. Sure, your flashy one of a kind zoot suit might be a giveaway, but it never hurts to add a tad of discretion--Sugar Hill
Wedge heels can be quite inconvenient, particularly when your day will, without almost any doubt, include a whole lot of running--Triangle
Manners
Taking your dirty socks off at hotel restaurant won’t endear you to yuppies--Kalifornia
The best way to divert an uncomfortable conversation is to eat some very goooooood melon--Uzumaki
One should avoid smiling so cheerfully when giving a news report about a single mother found brutally murdered--iMurders
There’s an art to a good convoy, and it apparently includes introducing yourself awkwardly at rest stops--Amusement
When being chased by a long-legged killer, always be sure to pause so has time to catch up. After all, he is only walking and you don't want to be rude--Fear of Clowns 2
Home Decor
Nothing says classy digs like dinner on paper plates, leopard curtains with matching towels, and a framed portrait of a wolf--Bone Sickness
The Art of Love
In order to seduce a virginal fundamentalist, the secret is to kiss her earlobe--End of the Line
Your girlfriend may be slightly offended if you offer her money in exchange for sex--Day of the Dead
Seducing a model is incredibly easy, providing your have dangerously blue eyes and a hyena-like laugh--Dawn of the Mummy
The best way to get a girl in bed probably does not involve telling her you might throw up--Tenebrae
Don’t be too surprised if your claustrophobic girlfriend isn’t turned on by you smothering her face with a couch pillow--Dead Snow
When you’ve reached the limits of human horniness, the next logical step is to join a swim team--Hot Wax Zombies On Wheels
Young actresses: never agree to a participate in a sex scene with Rider Strong. His porn-ready name not withstanding, these moments generally feel awkward on camera and lead to your inevitable onscreen death--Tooth and Nail
In order to woo the pretty weird new girl, make sure you treat her like shit and constantly walk away while she’s talking. Chicks dig that.--Twilight
In case of virgin seduction, always keep an economy sized pack of votive candles on hand--Teeth
If you play your cards right on a first date, you can lose your virginity. If you play them wrong, you can be dry humped by a mutant--The Funhouse
Fine Cuisine
Don’t fuck with a zombie’s Twinkies--Zombie Death House
Pistachio butter exists and it is awesome--Gamer
Hard candy from old people is always gross, even when said elderly are Satanists--House of the Devil
Cultural Trends
If you’re blond and the female protagonist in a 1980s film, there’s a more than likely chance your name is Linda--Hands of Steel
In the 18th century, the only cure for impotence was rape--Mark of the Devil
Unfriendly ETs have diverse film tastes, with interior design styles inspired by both Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory and A Clockwork Orange--Fire In the Sky
Rent negotiation was ridiculously easy and wonderful in the early ‘90s-The Refrigerator
Dear medieval or post-apocalyptic societies: just because you have one minor victory after decades of hardship does not give you the right to have a free-for-all party. If there’s one thing monsters like Grendel and dragons hate, it’s confidence--Reign of Fire
Sneaking mysteriously poisoned knives through customs was fairly simple in the ‘70s--Ganja and Hess
Doctor/patient confidentiality in Thailand is defined as thus: call a nurse. Ask for information regarding a future appointment of another person, and receive a complete medical history of said stranger along with a full report of past visits--Art of the Devil
It’s so effin awesome to comb brains out of your hair--Dead Clowns
Harlem is the experience playground of all people interested in becoming detectives--The Guy From Harlem
Little Life Lessons
If you’re a scientist in a dangerous situation, always be pretty so that marines will do favors for you-Doom
A game of limbo is a great way to see up your teacher’s skirt--Lady In White
Never accept an arm wrestling challenge from Meat Loaf. Especially if you’re 10--Motorama
Before going camping, make sure that at least one member of your party actually knows what to do with a tent.--Splinter
Think British. Look Yiddish-Xtro
When being asked what you're most afraid of by a stranger making you uncomfortable, it's best to simply lie and say something appealing, like peanut butter, bulldog puppies and coconut--Meadowoods
When drawing a safety circle for demon summoning, be sure to give yourself enough leg room. And possibly, a chamber pot-Lo
Parenting
Putting your baby monitor on mute is about as logical as taking the caffeine out of coffee -Antichrist
It's perfectly normal for a child to never speak again after witnessing the horrific and bizarre death of his father--Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker
No matter what the film or target audience may be, Scout Taylor Compton remains a babysitter you should never trust with your children’s lives-Obsessed
First graders can be incredibly self-sufficient if your method of parenting is to occasionally look their way--Ringu
If your daughter is having violent night terrors, perhaps you shouldn’t send her off to boarding school--Audrey Rose
When enrolling your son in a mysterious boot camp thousands of miles from home, don’t forget his allergy list--Boot Camp
Hoop earrings are inappropriate accessories for child-rearing-The Children (2008)
The People In Your Neighborhood: Town Sheriff Edition
Town Sheriff never pays for coffee-The Crazies
Never call in state troopers, even when multiple children are missing and several adults are turning up dead. You’re a town sheriff for crying out loud. You should be able to handle this yourself-The Children
Resist the urge to mock the hot-headed town sheriff until after he walks far enough out of earshot--Squirm
The People In Your Neighborhood: Everyone Else
Between Hannibal Lector and Rockwell Falls, census taking appears to be a career fraught with hazards-Population 436
In the absent night light, a cow is about the equivalent of a non-English speaking farmer--Dead of Winter
A few things worse than getting divorced: rape, murder, castration, and being hunted by angry undead hair dressers--Doghouse
Cardinal rules of T names remain in place. Just as any character named Tiffany is inevitably a slut, the heroic Tina follows her name in being your typical bitch--Skinned Deep
Dear nerds of the world: I don’t know how many movies can support this before you take note, but please believe me when I say the gorgeous popular girl does not want to sleep with you and if she does, she probably isn’t going to tell the whole school about it in order to lure you to her bed--Graduation Day
Villains in pairs only come in tall and skinny and short and fat. Should you be a mesomorph of average height, consider an alternate career--Cool As Ice
NYC cab drivers are crappy secret keepers-Magic
Not all peeping toms are necessarily bad people, but that doesn’t really make them any less creepy -The Wolf Man
It’s harder to blend in with mannequins than cartoons might have you think--The Omega Man
Health & Fitness
If getting a touch of infected blood on your skin will infect you, then running said hand through a buzzsaw and watching the blood squirt all over your face will surely be the cure-Cabin Fever 2
In some forms of therapy, it’s perfectly okay for the psychologist’s girlfriend to barge into a private session and discuss a canceled date in front of the stressed out patient slowly coming to terms with her incestuous urges--Gates of Hell
Though awful and impossible, mastering pull-ups in gym class is an incredibly useful life skill that should not be avoided in your elementary days--Frozen
Loyal Pilates practice will prepare you for all sorts of life survival--While She Was Out
Tall men have a lot of strength in their upper leg region--Sheitan
When stuck in a stressful situation with limited airflow, Vegas odds are 1000-1 that one of your companions will be asthmatic-Blackout
Vanna White drinks the blood of virgins and newborn babies; how else to explain the fact that the woman hasn’t aged a day in 39 years?-Graduation Day
Math Class
A math quiz: You must connect 9 people (6 of whom are deceased) in order to survive. If there is a 30% chance that you will be shot dead in 10 minutes and a 70% chance that someone else with information will be shot in 10, followed by a 50% chance that you will be shot in 20 plus a 50% chance that someone else with key information will be killed instead, and a 100% certainly that you will die in 30 if you haven't figured convoluted plotting out, then how stupid are you for allowing the annoying DA to slowly tell her dramatic rape story, complete with inconsequential details about her feelings of power?--Nine Dead
Weather
Windchimes chiming are a sign that a dubbuk is near. They're also a sign that it’s windy-The Unborn
Tools & Transportation
Letting a chainsaw ‘rest for awhile’ won’t make it work later--Slashers
Dusty wheelchairs have bad attitudes--The Changeling
Americana
There is a magical Irish-filled isle off the coast of Delaware where all inhabitants dress like John Wayne or extras in the Oregon Trail--Survival of the Dead
The best way to fight evil is to be from Cincinnati. And to sing about it--Babes In Toyland
1980s New Mexico looked an awful lot like 1980s Sweden, straight down to the train interiors and sparsely furnished vampire lairs--Let Me In
Safety
Always know where to find a projector-Organizm
Always pay close attention to the incredibly obvious musical cues. It will totally protect you from the inevitable jump scares.--Dead Birds
When in doubt, assume you’re surrounded by bear traps. Just trust me on that one--The Burrowers
Law Enforcement
Matters of the FBI are best kept between agents. There’s absolutely no need to call more than two reinforcements in at any point, even if you happen to be tracking a serial killer with a larger body count than Jason Voorhees--Saw 3D
Education
All you can really hope to get out of fancy college is a designer drug addiction or stalker--Drive-Thru
The main rights of passage in turning into an adult include having sex, doing drugs, and directing a play--Deadly Little Christmas
In some universities, dressing to impress your esteemed professors means wearing skinny jeans with slutty leather halter tops--American Psych 2: All American Girl
Incest isn’t taught in school until after the third grade--Satan's Little Helper
Workers' Rights
When your boss makes a morning habit of attempting to rape you, the logical step when you’ve had enough is to call the Better Business Bureau--Street Trash
Animal Kingdom
Beta fish will be left behind--Left Behind: The Movie
Just because you feed your cruelly caged dogs does not mean they don’t secretly want to eat you--Eyes Without a Face
Pregnancy & Childbirth
If you live on a farm, you’ll know everything there is to know about birthing babies (unless, I suppose, you’re black)--Food of the Gods
Just cause you’re a girl means you CAN deliver a baby--Legion
The war for domination of a woman’s womb is best played by the card game War--Demonic Toys
Backwoods mutant births take less time than an Emmy acceptance speech by an unknown technical operator--Wrong Turn 2
Screenwriters, take note: never name a character “Marko” if a) he will be called for repeatedly and b) you don’t want your probably drunk/bored audience to retort “Polo!”--Alone In the Dark
I hope this has been at least as educational as one educational video you had to watch in high school, driver's ed, or lamaze class. Tune in on Tuesday for the official 2nd Anniversary Best of the Year Spectacular. Providing you follow at least one of these lessons, you should be able to make it that far.
2009
It seems like just yesterday that a little blond child actress started cursing like a Rob Zombie final girl upon befriending a ratty doll, but sure enough, exactly one year has passed since The Deadly Doll’s House opened its tiny virtual door to review Cathy's Curse . Sadly, I failed to put a devil dog in my freezer that day to eat now in honor of the occasion, but I do have at least two treats (of laziness) prepared for you this week. We’ll get to the main attractions later, but today’s anniversary celebration will be nothing less than a linguistic clip show of EDUCATIONAL proportions.
That’s right, combing through my archives, I’ve compiled a list of some of the more useful Lessons Learned in 2009 (and 1/13th of 2010), all skillfully copied and pasted from reviews, with easy-click links if, as Starship Troopers might ask, you'd like to learn more. Use them wisely, for the day may indeed come when you find yourself trapped in a cornfield populated by pickaxe wielding children, coaching a gym class that includes the antichrist, or sitting on a subway with a Forrest Gumpish Vinnie Jones.
Lessons On Health:
2. Speaking to God will make you rapidly age ten years before your 22nd birthday; other side effects include going on a killing spree-God Told Me To
4. When taking experimental Plan B tablets, it’s probably best to not to wash it down with a glass of Merlot-It’s Alive
Social Manners:
6. Telling someone “you ain’t got no character” is a great way to make your friends laugh for five minutes-Silent Warnings
8. The best way to assert yourself is to bite into an especially crunchy piece of celery-Empire of the Ants
9. When walking by a homicidal mob, it’s best not to audibly call them little bastards if you don’t want to then be chased by sickle and rake wielding brats
On Friendship:
10. Always stay in touch with your obsessive college hookups, particularly if they’re well-versed in the art of birthing babies, negotiating the price of a used RV, and wig shopping
Sex & Dating:
13. Learning how to read takes about the same amount of time as having safe sex with a turkey-ThanksKilling
14. Suggesting your girlfriend dress like a boxy robot will make her feel inadequate and bitchy-Trick ‘R Treat
15. Contrary to popular belief, not all women enjoy a smoke after being raped-Tombs of the Blind Dead
16. It's very possible to rape a woman to death without external genitalia
Natural Wonders:
16. Snakes not only bite, they also push people off ladders and set fire to their barns-Rattlers
17. Grabbing the breast of a 16 year old southern belle will summon all sorts of inner strength-Netherworld
18. Whether you’re goblin, cow, or uvula, there’s always something bigger to come and eat you
Fierce Fashion:
19. When trying to dress incognito, avoid wearing cowgirl hats, dangly earrings, pinstriped coats, and gigantic sunglasses. Not only will you NOT blend in; you’ll also look rather stupid (except to bodyguards, who will be inexplicably turned on)-Blue Sunshine
23. Avoid wearing jingly bell accessories if your main activity of the evening is scheduled to be stalking
On Filmmaking:
24. When in need of a quick ghost effect and cursed with a low budget, lease a player piano-Hellgate
25. If you want to make an audience truly uncomfortable, be sure to feature extreme closeups of unattractive actors in your film
Holiday Facts:
27. Christmas morning officially begins at 6:20 AM Bulgarian time
Sports & Athletics:
28. Telekinetic cupboards need to warm up before they can aim with any precision, sort of like Pedro Martinez-Tourist Trap
31. The Village People aren’t the only beneficiaries of the YMCA
32. It is quite possible to shoot a man’s arm off and beat someone to death with a broom-nightmare city-Nightmare City
33. Satanists bleed sour milk and have elegant penmanship
Law & Order:
34. For a local sheriff, nothing is more embarrassing than calling the feds in to investigate missing persons; asking the local townspeople for some vigilante backup is far more reasonable-The Pit
36. Toy police cars are great reminders about who to go to when you fear for your wife’s life-The Sinful Dwarf
37. Whining under your breath “C’mon guys,” will not prevent homeless gangs from looking at your car. Nor will wearing an earring-Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh
38. Never let a man suspected of serial killing hold a steaming pot of coffee in your vicinity, particularly if you’re planning on confronting him about his possible guilt
On Cultural Differences:
40. Being nearly killed by a drunken boat driver will force you into indentured servitude to his WASPy family-Frogs
42. Insurance investigators keep bike horns in glove compartments and are generally more annoying road companions than a family that insists on finishing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall-In the Mouth of Madness
43. Upon meeting a blind person, the first conversational query should not be “So, how long have you considered yourself handicapped?”-Silent Night, Deadly Night 3
45. In some cultures, attempting to rape a young woman is a sign of disrespect-Mahakal
Useful Tidbits:
51. The girl that constantly shouts “I’m gonna kill you, bitch!” is usually not the girl that killed the bitch
Good Parenting:
52. Children are easily entertained by rather tragic stories of alcoholics stalking their mothers-Santa Claws
54. When your son walks in on you having sex with his stepfather, avoid the urge to scuttle out of bed and stand half naked for an extended time period, thus showing off your fabulous breasts. By doing so, you risk a) seriously warping an already warped child’s fetishes and b) planting an instinctive target for anything undead to chew on
55. The going rate for a rocket launcher in 2005 was one lung-Santa’s Slay
56. Sex in a bad economy is worth one bag of millet-
Little Known History:
57. If you want to be totally 80s, get two divorces and a yeast infection. If all you can handle is Cleveland, stick to the 70s-Bad Dreams
58. Ancient Egyptians had a groovily hungry god named Apep who may have been related to the Sarlac Pit-Joshua
Predictions:
59. In the near future, neon hair dye will be in abundance and losing an eyeball will be awesome
Basic Safety:
60. The best way to defeat a martial arts master is to hope that he eventually falls on a blade or stray piece of sharp bamboo-We’re Going to Eat You
61. If the only thing that will curse you is another person saying your name out loud, it’s probably not a good idea to constantly refer to yourself in the third person-Rumplestiltskin
62. Playing with fireworks will blind, scar, and cripple you; other side effects include inspiring your mother to dress like Miss Piggy attending a 1950s tea party-Uncle Sam
63. Tennis rackets, when used correctly, make excellent tools for demon bashing-Black Roses
65. Saying “I have a plan” over and over again does not actually mean you have one-Paranormal Activity
66. The only way to survive an encounter with Vinnie Jones is to first sell him candy-Midnight Meat Train
67. If male and drinking in a European tavern, always assume there is a gun pointed at your testicles
Around the Home:
68. Fantastical treehouses that could only exist in cinema and television (just how did Bart or Homer build such a sturdy little cabin anyway?) are as flammable as they are impressive-Orphan
69. One should remove all necklaces before going to sleep if not planning on being strangled by a bed
Personal:
70. If I’m ever on death row, my choice of execution method will now be “beheading at the hands of well-choreographed mental patients dressed as exotic birds”
Thanks to all my wonderfully literate and supportive readers for one great year. Later this week, I'll attempt to compile a list of some of the best films I've sat through with you in mind. In the meantime, do your best to avoid homicidal furniture, darned kids, straight-to-DVD Hollywood remakes, cheerleaders, clowns with gym memberships, wisecracking turkeys, and any of the other villainous creations knocking on the Doll House's door.
Posts
