Monday, January 22, 2018

Lessons Learned 2017!

As we fast approach the ninth (NINTH!) anniversary of this little corner of the internet known as the Doll's House, allow me to continue with the NINE-year-old tradition of compiling a list of some of my favorite lessons gleaned over the last 365 days. You never know: they just might save your life...particularly if your life includes satanism, promposals, and as always, bear traps.

School Days
The trick to not vomiting when dissecting a frog is to chew gum

The best college professors are the ones who fashion themselves akin to female porn actress starring in teacher-student scenarios

Science As Business
In the early '80s, the going rate for transporting flesh-eating bacteria was 50,000 pounds

Wonders of the Natural World
Wild mustard has quite a high sulfur content

The Body Human
When done effectively, fatal stab wounds yield no blood

Chlorine probably prevents herpes
Pregnancy makes your skin really, realllllllllly dry

The Modern Chef
To best keep pepperoni hot, stick it to your butt

Nice Ride
Surviving a brutal car accident can change a lot of things about you, including eliminating any trace of your Australian accent

The majority of teen-related car accidents happen because everybody inside the car is screaming and flailing to dangerous levels of chaos at once

Personal Grooming (with special attention to the eyebrows)
Being in a mental asylum should never hold your eyebrow grooming back

Rural-based satanists take excellent care in grooming their eyebrows

It's a Family Thing
One of the perks of being VP of a toy company is that you can populate your stepdaughter's room with an arsenal of teddy bears
-- Mommy’s Little Girl

Always remember where your uncle's gambling-related bruises are located
-- The Chosen

Vacationing Know-How
LA hotels will charge guests extra to stay in rooms where guests committed suicide

The beach is for riff raff. Classy broads stay on the marina
Let Me Dance For You
Nothing kills a ballet career like falling off an 18" high stage in slow motion

Working Girls
When you sell something, that makes you a professional

Flirting with a good-looking coworker on your first day of work may not seem like the best career advice, but if your office is suddenly subjected to a cruel homicidal experiment, it may just be the thing that saves your life

If you are female and your morality is put into question, the solution to any accusation is simply, "I'm a businesswoman" 

Marketing Problems of the Near Future
Turning global famine into clickbait is harder than you think

Relationships Nuances
In world before online dating, one could always count on pet cemeteries as a great way to meet a potential partner

The best way to rebound from being stood up is to give in quickly to the sexy vampire next door

Affairs are always improved with warm champagne
A proper prom proposal should require at least four weeks of intense dance practice and intermediate choreography

The Name Game
Just because you've named your villain Susan doesn't mean supporting characters can't call her Suzanne

Catholicism 101
Priests are second only to rock stars when it comes to leaving a motel room in ruins

Backwash will seriously compromise the efficacy of holy water

Party Planning Tips
When organizing a home rave, don't skimp on the bouncer. A quality door man will really take your party to the next level

Basic Survival
The secret to escaping a horny forest beast involves wearing a lot of layers

Nail guns are cost-effective weapons when fighting zombie hordes

Want to throw your attacker off? Pee on him when he least expects it

Meg Tilly is not to be messed with

Love Me, Love My Pet
In an undead situation, never get too attached to a bunny, no matter how cute its floppy little ears may be

The Five Senses
When you're blind, it always looks like you're paying attention

The Real Estate Market
Realtors don't have myths

Bodyguard FAQs
Few henchwomen are quite so loyal--or breakable--as reanimated porcelain dolls

The Art of Self Awareness
To avoid freaking our your family after accepting a black magic deal, take two minutes and a moist towelette to wipe the glob of blood sticking to your face
— Dig Two Graves

If you don't want people to think that you're a murderer, wear something other than black ski caps when indoors

The Southern Hemisphere
Bumming around Europe is what Aussies do best

America the Beautiful
The only thing worse than phone service in South Dakota is the quality of its police force

Detroit is such a dangerous place that even a bear trap will get you when you least expect it

In some small American towns, the head surgeon also serves as the lead investigator in ongoing murder investigations

Social Media for Dummies
Duck faces and assholes are pretty much the same thing, particularly if you're a bitter police officer

Fashion Tips
Real pearls are what you would call "proper'

When leaving the house to confront your backstabbing partner and lawyer, make a statement by wearing your Macguyver jacket without a shirt
— Death Spa 

You Don’t Make Friends With Salad
Lettuce will never be exciting, even if the world hasn't had fresh food in decades

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