Mill Creek Must See: Devil Times Five, aka Peopletoys (Seriously! PEOPLETOYS!)

I have something to say, and it might not make you happy but here goes:

I’m mad at you.

All of you. 

Specifically, any one of you readers who knew about Devil Times Five--also known by the far superior title Peopletoys--and didn’t tell me about it. (For the record, the one and only Wayne Kotke of Dead 2 Rights and Thomas D of Cinema Gonzo are excused from my vitriol.) This is a movie that features homicidal children, snow, the maid from Troop Beverly Hills, bear traps, kids in drag, farmer tanned naked buttocks, catfights, Boss Hog, and death by piranha.

People: I’m 30 years old. Do you know how many times I could’ve watched this movie by now had I known about it earlier? 

I hate you all.

Quick Plot: While transferring five violently insane children, a schoolbus crashes on a snowy mountain road, releasing the preteen terrors upon a gaggle of very ‘70s adults doing some sort of work/vacation/drunk/surly/thing. 

No seriously, I don’t really get it.

There’s the best named character of all time, Papa Doc, a wealthy but miserly grump with a sexy girlfriend named--not kidding--Lovely, who would rather be seducing the slow-witted caretaker Ralph. 

And really, who wouldn't?

Lovely’s ex Rick is now dating Papa Doc’s daughter Julie, keeping the group closely connected in a rather weird way. Last is Dr. Harvey Beckman (Sorrell Brooke) and his hilariously alcoholic wife Ruth (Shelley Morrison). 

I love movies with funny drunks. Well, to be clear, I love ‘70s movies with funny drunks. Especially when the other characters do nothing but roll their eyes at said lush’s antics or shout lines like “Listen you boozed up old broad!” It just makes life better.

Playing on the other team is a quintet of demons with various ticks. There’s Brian, the boy obsessed with military speak. Sister Hannah, a wannabe nun who would terrify my mother. Like any wacky sociopath, Susan loves fire and her little sister Moe, well, Moe is just odd. Leading the group is David (Leif Garrett), a competitive little jerk who doesn’t take kindly to losing, especially not to HARVEY BECKMAN!

After the kids fake a sob story to the adults about their accident, it doesn’t take too long for the killing to start. I should rephrase since the first murder goes on for about as long as Birth of a Nation. Perhaps that’s an exaggeration since Devil Times Five is only a 90 minute movie, but when everything happppppeeeeeennnnnnnnnns iiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnn slooooooowwwww moooooooosssssssshhhhhhhhhonnnnnnnnnnn, even a pitchfork stabbing, hammering, and beating over the head scored to the sounds of an angry giraffe getting a massage feels like eternity.

But hey, I can’t complain when we’ve still got a woman getting eaten by piranhas to enjoy! Not to mention the fact that even BEFORE the 9000 year killing, we got a random catfight complete with spy music and messy slapping. AFTERWARDS, we get axings, people set on fire, military booby traps, constant utterances of the words “Papa Doc,” and crazy stock 1950s UFO whistling to establish the fact that something is amiss. 

It’s all so much more wonderful than these words here are possibly describing.

High Points

Everything. No really, everything

Low Points

Nothing. Nothing at all. This is perfection on your screen

Lessons Learned

Lousy maniac drivers don’t deserve medals

Continually telling a sour child that he chops wood like a little girl might not be the best way to not make him want to chop your head off

In tennis there is a term called ‘following through’

Bath Alert

“No, YOU sit here and relax! I’m going to go take a bath cause if I don’t, I’m never going to make it to morning.”

Ahh, the adorable naivety of a woman in a genre film who would dare to believe sitting in a tub wouldn’t kill her

The Winning Line

“Have you laid her?”

Yeah. She asked in that way.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Available on Mill Creek’s 50 Chilling Classics pack or streaming on youtube like many a fine public domain title, Devil Times Five is crammed from beginning to end with things designed to make me happy. The kids are genuine little monsters who take sadistic pleasure in torturing entertainingly unlikable grownups. It’s occasionally unnerving (I don’t want to die as a human snowman) but more often than not, cheesily wonderful. Whether credit goes to listed director Sean MacGregor or the mysteriously uncredited (except on IMDB) David Sheldon I don’t know, but everyone involved in Peopletoys deserves a cake. Or a medal. Or a loaded gun irresponsibly hung on a wall in a roomful of damaged children. Whatever your candy is, take it. You deserve it.

Addendum

On the night that I watched Devil Times Five, I woke up at 4:46 AM from a fairly awesome nightmare. It starred a young, skinny, and BLOND Delta Burke (although it looked more like Joan Collins circa I Don't Want To Be Born but everyone kept referring to her as Delta Burke, so the details of dreamland are hazy) as she ran through the woods to flee a horde of nasty little children. Like Devil Times Five, the kids were groovy. The details are foggy, but one key detail involved a bratty little blond picking up a chainsaw but resorting to using sticks when he realized how heavy that machinery was. See, even the DREAMS that happened after this movie were super. 

Sour Lemons Have Sour Kids

Remember how I justified my recommending The Crush for its one scene featuring Cary Elwes punching a 14-year-old Alicia Silverstone with all the might of Thor? I'm giong to spoil my review of the very mediocre Case 39 with the one reason worth watching it:

The little girl calls Renee Zellwegger Pumpkinhead.

True, it would have been more appropriate if sour lemons were also involved, but it was still enough to make me spit out my pumpkinhead latte.

Quick Plot: Emily (not me) is a dedicated social worker who becomes especially obsessed with her latest case, a 10 year old girl named Lily whose family seems...off. Not sexually abusive or alcoholic, just creepy and foreboding and oh yeah, the kind of people who decide to end parenting woes by stuffing their weird kid inside a lit oven.

CPS doesn’t generally let that one slip through the cracks.

As Lily’s folks head to the nuthouse, Emily decides to do what any responsible social worker would do and foster the little burn victim herself. All is peachy until another one of Emily’s cases--and a fellow member of Lily’s group therapy sessions--commits a horrendous crime after receiving a phone call...from Emily’s landline!

Case 39 was filmed way back in 2006. For the young ones in the audience, 2006 was apparently a time when every working professional relied on a home phone and answering machine, the latter of which is super useful for establishing character and plot exposition. 

Sort of like how having your lead pick up an alarm clock is really useful for the director to then throw in the jump scare of having the alarm clock RING!

Or having Ian McShane (playing Emily’s detective pal) lean against a window at a crime scene while describing the grisly deed, only for a vicious doberman to leap at said window and snarl, just because...um...he heard Ian McShane tell a grisly tale and wanted to add an effective punch?

See, Case 39 is THAT kind of film, one where a slipping A-list actress is charged with looking worried while computer generated effects pixelate around her. Despite what many a horror fan may have said, it’s not really awful...just kind of dull. Zellwegger commits to looking confused and helpless with decent skill, while Bradley Cooper and the infinitely more interesting Ian McShane are good enough in supporting roles with (SPOILER ALERT) hilarious death scenes. But the film on a whole iszzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Underwhelming. Not bad enough to sit on a shelf for three years, but ultimately the kind of forgettable material that might better suit late night cable surfing. 

High Points

For the first half hour or so, Case 39 is fairly promising as Lily’s creepy homelife and its effects unravel in front of us. Had the film sustained that strangeness, it may have actually been decent rather than relying on deep-voiced demon talk from a child actor with none of the grand intensity as Orphan’s Isabelle Furhman

Low Points

Let’s face it: Case 39 doesn’t really care about the actual mythology located within itself. We have no real idea why Lily is what she is, how she came to exist in this particular time or place, why she targets who she does, or you know, anything. I don’t need an overly complicated backstory or flashback or extraneous character narrating the tale, but you know, give your own villain something of worth

Lessons Learned

Best way to know that your child is evil? She cuts peas in half with a knife. Even Jerry Seinfeld would find that offensive

In case countless genre films haven’t taught you well enough, let me remind you that when a suspicious character asks you what your biggest fear is, answering truthfully will most likely lead to hornets buzzing out of your orifices

Deep demon voice: Does. Not. Work. Ever.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh, Case 39 isn’t the worst thing to come out of a movie theater but there’s little reason to tell you to watch it. As an instant watch, it’s an okay enough time killer that you’ll probably forget ever happened soon after viewing. In terms of its vertically challenged caliber, you’re far better off checking out that OTHER adoption-gone-wrong mainstream hit Orphan, which has far more zest than the tepid and timid Case 39. But hey, somewhere out there, I’m sure there’s someone with a thing for sour-faced blondes, contrived jump scares, and synthesized demon voices just waiting to love this movie. I am no one to judge.

They're Small AND Icky

After the mind-blowing awesome that was the mind-blowingly terrible Pieces, there was no way in the underworld I would pass up the Instant Watch convenience of director J.P. Simon’s Slugs.

Considering all the wonderful things  Pieces director J.P. Simon was able to do with a gory slasher (among them: chainsaws and kung fu) you can imagine my excitement when I learned that master of cinema had made something for The Shortening, a legendary creature feature about…

Say it with me: SLUGS!

Quick Plot: A small American town is experiencing some oddities, from a pair of teens dying on a lake to an old man being discovered with his face eaten off and most entertainingly, a yuppie closing a business deal in a posh restaurant exploding from the inside out as li’l mealy worms cover what used to be his head. Thanks to the heroism of local health inspector Mike Brady (seriously) and his teacher/gardener wife, the culprits are found:

SLUGS! Big black SLUGS! They crawl…

Slowly.

They bite…

When you put your finger right up to their mouths.

They eat…

Lettuce.

When you slap at them gently with a kitchen pan…

They die.

But you know, round up a ton of them, lay them on your parents’ bedroom floor and you can bet your boyfriend’s letterman jacket that your naked body is going to be their supper.

Like Pieces, Slugs is not a good film. Like Pieces, it IS a good time.

First of all, it’s about slugs (you probably figured that out from the title). Now I’m not innocent of coming home late to discover a brown glob on the stoop and say “Ew, a slug.” As bugs or mollusks or whatever they are go, there’s something innately disgusting about slugs. I’d probably make a pained face if I could one crawling on my leg and would certainly write to the health department if I found one in my salad. But you know, as monsters go, slugs are, well, let’s brainstorm words we associate with slug:

Slow.

Small.

Gooey.

Slow.

Sluggish.

Slow.

You get my point. The slugs of Slugs are mutant slugs, so that makes them more fierce but still: open a canister of Morton salt and I’m pretty sure you’ll be safe.

We can forgive Slugs such follies when the film hosts brilliant dialogue as such:

(upon discovering a couple has been killed) “Ah geez. They were nice people! I liked them a lot!”

The token resistant authority figure in dismissing the heroic health department supervisor: “You ain’t got the authority to declare happy birthday!”

And an alcoholic character admitting her problem to her husband in the most casual of ways:

“I’m sorry for being a bitch so much of the time.”

“The real problem is—“

“My drinking. I know. Maybe I should see someone about it?”

Subplot solved! Until her husband’s innards are eaten inside out due to the slug-spiked salad he had earlier consumed. If that doesn’t drive you back to the sauce, you are a superhero.

High Points

As with Pieces, there’s no fault in Simon’s skill and spare-nothing attitude when it comes to gore. Between slug explosions and eye socket tetherball that would put Eli Roth to shame, Slugs brings the gore in full force

Low Points

Unless Pieces, Slugs just didn’t quite hold me with the same giddy fervor. Perhaps the final act has too much administrative conflict when really, we just want to see people get slugged

Fashion Show!

Between Mrs. Brady’s out of this world purple hologram striped thingy (with PEARLS!) and a teen character’s curled mullet, Slugs is oozing with ‘80s style

Odd Homage

Okay, I doubt Simon was trying to reference Roman Polanski, but I SWEAR that angry jazz score that played as the film’s ill-fated gardener chopped off his own hands due to sluggings was used in Repulsion

Lessons Learned

What would old men say about their daughters sleeping with burnouts? They probably have cows, that’s what!

If your husband embarks on a dangerous mission and leaves you with the words “when I get back, how about we get naked and crazy?” you can bet your mumu that you will never see him alive again

When fleeing your would-be rapist, always consider the alternative to being a victim of sexual assault. In this case, said alternative is getting eaten alive by mutant slugs. No man can take that choice away from you

Rent/Bury/Buy

Slugs isn’t quite on par with the silly wonder of Pieces, but it remains a cheerily bad good time from the ‘80s. If you have 90 minutes and Netflix Instant, I can’t think of TOO many better ways to spend your time. I suppose options could include eating Cheetos, playing laser pointer with your cat, or doing your taxes but really, all these things and more could be accomplished while watching Slugs. So don’t be SLUGGISH about it.

Sometimes my inner Crypt Keeper just can’t be silenced.

I Wish the Goblin Things Would Take You Away

Before I even dare to discuss Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, allow me to describe the episode of Law & Order: SVU that the lead child actress Bailee Madison guest starred on. Madison plays a girl named McKenzie who runs away from her adoptive mother Joan Cusack to catch a train at Grand Central with someone the cops initially assume to be a child molester (played by the sexy Scott Henry Ian Cusick, who SPOILER ALERT two episodes later turns out indeed to be a child molester) only to discover McKenzie was actually meeting up with her former foster brother to escape crazy Joan Cusack who’s gone off the deep end ever since her first daughter went missing on an upstate camping trip and since adopted McKenzie to recreate her birth child, complete with a hair dye and nose job. You’re still with me, right? We’re only halfway there. Because now the detectives are convinced Joan Cusack is KARAZEE and decide to investigate her for the DEATH of her first daughter. Some poking and prodding (including at a Thai massage parlor where a former underage porn star works) leads them back upstate where they discover that the first kid WAS INDEED kidnapped by a backwoods mountain man who made the kid his slave wife. The shivering shell of a woman gets reunited with a still-crying Joan Cusack at the end, the forgotten adopted daughter silently nods at Olivia, and Dick Wolf’s name comes up to the sound of a gavel).

Now what was I talking about again?

Quick Plot: Sometime 100 years ago or so, a desperate man yanks his maid's teeth out as an offering to something mysterious in his basement that has apparently taken his son. The donation doesn't get the desired result.

Flashing forward to the present, 10-year-old Sally is moving to that same lordly estate with her estranged architect dad Alex (Memento's Guy Pearce) and his art historian girlfriend Kim (Mousy Holmes). It doesn't take long for Sally to discover they're not alone, as mysterious voices call out to her from behind the bolted basement ash door in a playful whisper.

Surely they mean no harm! Yes, they got naughty with Kim's fancy dresses but for the lonely depressed-in-the-making Sally, these things seem like possible fairy friends...until they stab the house's caretaker in the back with scissors and proceed to torment the poor girl whenever the lights go out.

You’re wondering what the villains look like I assume. Appropriately short, or else they wouldn’t be invited to The Shortening. They’re gray little bat things with glowing eyes or, if it helps, the spitting image of the goblin from Goblin -

but with big ungainly hunchbacks --

and shrunk down to the size of Barbie dolls.

It's a problem, because for a good deal of its buildup, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark does a decent job at being scary. "Her name is Salllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy," whisper the creatures in a fairly unsettling tone. It's not until we--and Salllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy--catch a glimpse of the rugrats in their full CGI glory that we say 'eh, that's pretty stupid.'

In fairness, one of the films that terrified me the most as a child--and fine, still kind of does--is Stephen King's Cat's Eye. Putting aside the first two 'grownup' segments, it's the third story starring Drew Barrymore as an innocent child TORMENTED by an ugly gray goblin living in her bedroom that always made me hug my Pound Puppy. In part it's Barrymore's performance and the idea that a little kid could be put in such danger. The design of the villainous troll has certainly aged by 21st century standards, but a recent rewatch made me no less unnerved. It's the pure ugliness of the creature (wearing a ragged jester's cap no less!) that made me believe--then and now--that this thing liked to murder innocents in their beds.

The problem with Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is that the 'things' to be afraid of are, plain and simple, executed poorly. The idea is fine, with them resembling a cross between emaciated humans, vampire bats, and mothballs, but when pixelated and thrown in closeup, they look SyFy Channel ready. I understand the physical and financial limits of puppetry. But I also understand the basic fact that building your horror movie around something that is supposed to be horrifying then delivering something from an early 1995 draft of a failed PBS kids show set in Gollum's day care center is generally not the way to make your audience happy.

And another thing about Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark: it’s not the worst genre film to enter theaters last year. But 10 hours after watching it, as I sit here and type out a review, I kind of can’t believe how many little problems it has overall. I submit:

-An early scene where Sally is trying to convince the adults that there are creatures behind the ash door. Dad bends down to investigate. Director Troy Nixey’s camera gives us a sexy shot of Guy Pearce’s earlobe as still-mysterious tiny hands slide a sharp poker through the door’s slits, aiming it straight at the part of Guy Pearce’s body that would hear even the slightest beat. Of course he stands up just before the spear could stab him to triumphantly announce “I don’t hear anything.”

Which would be fine if the movie’s soundtrack didn’t BLAST the scraping sound of the poker sliding over metal. WE heard it, and our EARLOBES weren’t aimed DIRECTLY AT the SOUND. 

-Why is the fairly useless housekeeper an old British woman? Is it because a) they liked that actress b) they thought it added to the atmosphere or c) the filmmaker forgot that he was making a movie about a haunted New England home and decided to honor Old England?

-Any time a character hears another--often a child--SCREAMING FOR DEAR LIFE just a few rooms away, said character (usually an adult) reacts as such: 

1. Stops

2. Tenses up

3. Looks around towards the source of noise

4. Opens mouth 

5. Widens eyes

6. Sprints towards the action

Now I’ve never had to save anyone from carnivorous goblin people, but I’m going to make a bold assumption and say you can generally skip steps 1-5

-The world’s most helpful librarian explains plenty of useful exposition to Kim, including the fact that these nasty creatures have to feed on ONE body to keep them warm and toasty until the next time they emerge. But judging by the first scene, these dudes have a pretty intense appetite that isn’t sated by devouring the artist’s child. Yet SPOILER ALERT by the end of the film, the things have presumably made a Thanksgiving feast out of rail thin and buttless Katie Holmes and seem content to hang out downstairs until the next tenant. Consistency please?

That's the kind of film this is. When watching it, there are sparks of intrigue. Then you apply the slightest sense of logic and realize that just about nothing in the film works. 

Except for the fact that it’s about creepy little things and thereby a supporter of The Shortening!

High Points

Considering my recent issues with modern genre cinema’s obvious choices in sound design, I have to give credit to Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’s first major jump scare. You probably saw the leadup in the trailer, as Sally slowly unfurls her bedsheet to see what’s nipping at her feet. Most films made today would tell us the EXACT moment of reveal with a soundtrack crescendo, but this one is smart enough to catch us off guard. Even if the payoff is a tad underwhelming (Hunchback Goblin Barbie didn’t do much for me), the execution of the scene is smart

Low Points

The fact that nobody in the movie seems to have the common sense to turn the lights on

Lessons Learned

Things that won’t endear you to your prospective stepdaughter: talking teddy bears, scone baking

Drawing is easy

Either people in movies are really vulnerable to the effects of falling down the stairs or I am a superwoman. Do you KNOW how many times I’ve tumbled down or up steps? Do you KNOW how many times I’ve passed out or died from doing so? In 30 years, the answer thus far is zero. 

Terrible Parenting Alert

Poor Bailee Madison can’t catch a break with her cinematic parents. After Joan Cusack’s near brainwashing, the kid has to deal with Guy Pearce’s apathetic fathering and worse, Katie Holmes overeager stepmother-to-be incompetence. My favorite example of such involves Sally falling asleep on the grownups’ bed--because she is terrified of being eaten--Katie Holmes waking up and CARRYING THE TERRIFIED KID BACK TO HER OWN ROOM. Poor unloved Sally wakes up to plead with Kim not to leave her, which Kim kindly promises. Once the kid is out, Kim stands up, smiles, throws the god awful talking teddy bear under the covers with Sally (who has already expressed hating the stupid thing) and LEAVES THE KID TO BE ATTACKED BY CARNIVOROUS MONSTERS. I know kids say the darndest things, but when they’re paralyzed by fear, can’t you just humor them for a night?

Rent/Bury/Buy

As flawed a film as I think Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark is, I still didn’t necessarily hate it. The house looks terrific and the idea of vertically challenged goblins eating children’s teeth kept me entertained enough for a good deal of its running time. I can’t recommend it to the kind of genre fan who’s bothered by logic holes and cruddy CGI. I don’t really recommend it to anyone, but I think there are those with a more forgiving attitude towards modern theatrical horror (if you exist) that will find it more enjoyable than some other mainstream releases. Or not.