The Santa Wars

Happy holidays to all. I hope you find yourself enjoying a warm & toasty December 25th (because even if you don't stock anyone's stocking, you're probably still enjoying a day off...unless you work in the public sector or reside in a country that doesn't observe Christmas, at which point...at least it's Friday).

More importantly, I hope your holiday is SAFE. Which, in the age of slaughtering Santa Claus, is not an order to be taken lightly. For more proof, head to Pop Syndicate for my roundup of cinematic St. Nick s, most of whom have stopped by the Doll's House this past month.

Read, enjoy, and remember, the true meaning of xmas is this:

Marilyn Monroe and Diana Ross in mannequin form on a gaudy lawn in the Bronx.

Happy holidays to all!

Motion Sickness Is the Least of Your Problems

A shorter than usual review of a better than average film:

Somewhere in the mid-levels of hell is an endless family road trip complete with tone-deaf sing-a-longs, backseat driving, and epic parental bickering sparked by minute issues such as someone having packed the wrong flavor of sugar wafers. While I don’t think the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer or Adolph Hitler will experience this painful, if not quite Salo-esque torture, such a place would most likely be reserved for sinners who deserve eternal punishment with minor glimmers of relief sparked by winning some rounds of 20 Questions or spotting a license plate from Alaska.

I’ve taken my share of vacations via the highway.

One of the great things about Dead End, a small festival veteran from 2003 that never quite found its audience, is that the film is fully aware hell is not just other people, but more specifically, your family after too many hours in a moving motor vehicle.

Quick Plot: It’s Christmas Eve on the road as the Harringtons make their way to mom (Lin Shaye, giving her all)’s family of gun and good liquor loving relatives. Daughter Marion (Alexandra Holden) is a psychologist with her boyfriend in tow and teenage son Richard is an obnoxiously horny and homophobic Marilyn Manson (not Branson) fan. Things take a turn when Dad takes the scenic route and comes upon a young woman toting a suspiciously quiet baby on a quiet and lonely open road. Mystery is in the winter air.

It doesn’t take long for bad things to happen. An ill-advised detour to an abandoned cabin leaves one passenger alone long enough to end up banging on the back window of a passing Rolls Royce, only to be discovered in a gooey and burned state icky enough to send a family member into inconvenient catatonia. Clearly, this holiday is on its way to being far worse than the time Dad drank too much eggnog and the kids gathered round to watch Jingle All the Way*

I rented Dead End on a whim due to the random discovery that it takes place on Christmas Eve. Following Cuento de Navidad , this is another refreshingly low profile pleasant surprise filled with interesting nastiness and a wonderfully twisted sense of humor. I was reminded slightly of The Signal ’s second chapter (minus the head-in-a-vice and blood-spattered helium tank), where black comedy seems to be banging on the door (or car windows) and sending tiny minions inside to twist a rather traditional horror narrative. 


Writer/directors Jean-Baptiste Andrea and Fabrice Canepa haven't made a masterpiece, but Dead End is a far more interesting ride than its bargain bin title and heard-it-before premise would lead you to believe. With solid performances, surprisingly effective jump scares, and a playfully wicked script, Dead End finds its own voice and delivers a fun enough 90 minutes that makes for a truly enjoyable alternative Christmas. Maybe next year I'll pair it with The Ref for a dysfunctional family double feature worthy of my eggnog toast.

High Points

Although each character doesn’t quite have the time for genuine in-depth development, it’s refreshing to see a family composed of normal, everyday people prone to selfishness, neuroticism, and a begrudging sense of familial love.

All the performances are marked by a nice and steady level of high energy, with Robocop’s way too cool Ray Wise standing out as the patriarch trying his best to save those he cares about.

Low Points

Perhaps it’s just that I’ve seen to many ghostly night-of-terror direct-to-DVD titles that utilize this type of ending, but the final explanation--even though it’s not quite it appears to be--feels like well-worn territory too tacked on for a rewarding finish

Similarly, the half-hearted attempt to toss in a haunted backstory so late in the film feels like a line of filler that doesn't really do anything to enrich the already engrossing narrative

Lessons Learned

Here’s a surefire relaxation technique taught across the nation by college baseball coaches: breathe in deeply through your nose. Now slowly let it out through your mouth. Done.

Always choose a Secret Santa with an NRA membership


In order to ease your sister out of shock, try to avoid confessing to murdering her pet hamster a few years back via such an unpleasant and unsanitary means as the kitchen microwave

Lab coats are so comfortable, many doctors wear them on the drive home.

Rent/Bury/Buy:

While this isn’t hauntingly grim holiday horror along the lines of Inside or totally unique territory like Cuento de Navidad, Dead End is far more worthwhile than its low profile and dull title would have you believe. The mix of dark family humor with a standard horror setup makes for an experience that doesn’t quite take the direction you’d expect and in the modern age of remakes, teens in turmoil, and torture porn, it does its job with gusto, innovation, and a joyously off-kilter Christmas spirit.

*If I had the time I’d review this Arnold Schwarzenegger epic fail of 1996 because holy Christmas is this a terrifyingly bad film. I didn’t think the Action Star On the Decline period could get worse than Batman & Robin, but between Jake Lloyd’s practice rounds to destroy the Star Wars saga, Sinbad’s awful turn as an offensively disgruntled mailman (complete with a bomb scare plan), the wasting of Phil Hartman as an oily neighbor sexually harassing a married woman, and a horrifically commercial message at its heart, Jingle All the Way may be the most frightening Christmas movie of all time. Without question, my kids will be watching Billy Chapman hack his way through the naughty well before seeing the future governor of California punch a reindeer in the face.

Los Monstros Pequenos

While respected film critics and paid journalists sift through prestigious Oscar bait in search of completing annual best-of lists, I aim low with the hopes of finding a few films that I can actually discuss in public without shame. Thankfully, there’s a country called Spain.

Six Films To Keep You Awake is a 2006 series of slightly-shorter-than-usual feature length films produced by Narciso Ibáñez Serrador, he of the woefully underrated and terrifying classic, Who Can Kill a Child? Words don't express how much I loved that 1976 film (although they certainly tried in my review ), but Serrador's involvement seems to mirror Mick Garris's role in amassing those Masters of Horror. I picked up today’s subject, Cuento de Navidad (The Christmas Tale para los gringos) following the enthusiastic recommendation of one of my favorite bloggers, the mighty and macho Matt House over at Chuck Norris Ate My Baby (read his excellent review here ). Although it bares Serrador's name, the real men behind this sparkling little holiday treat are director Paco Plaza and writer Luis Berdejo, the team best known for 2007's refreshing viral zombie pic REC.

Quick Plot: Five spunky 12 year olds are enjoying Christmas vacation in 1985. Between watching zombie flicks, riding their bikes, and waxing on and waxing off, they stumble upon a deep hole in the woods with a mysterious woman named Rebecca and dressed as Santa Claus trapped inside (thankfully, none of The Pit ’s trollogs or obnoxious child actors are to be found). They attempt to notify the local policeman--a man who’d much rather provide very specific instructions for cooking xmas dinner--but do an about face when they discover a fax that puts their St. Nicole as a dangerous bank robber.

The gang is in a pickle. Two of the boys see million dollar signs and a lucrative hostage situation in their Christmas future, while the more sympathetic Moni (played by a pre-Pan’s Labyrinth Ivana Banquero with the same quality of ahead-of-her-years performance) feels it’s wrong to not help a woman in need, especially when the alphas start suggesting starvation as a torture tactic. The young Koldi nurtures his crush on Moni by supporting her decision, while Tito, the Short Round stand-in with some mean Ralph Maccio moves, is more interested in propising elaborate plans without considering the moral implications.

I'll slow down with any plot description, as The Christmas Tale's journey takes a few surprising--if not overly shocking--turns that are fun to experience with no expectations. It’s rare that you can watch a film and have no idea where it’s going, but this is indeed such a refreshingly made story that somehow manages to combine sunny nostalgia with cruel little twists. The somewhat standard premise--diverse preteens caught up in a wild adventure no adult could possibly handle--is both honored and improved, with true suspense, an intriguing villain, and pitch perfect filming that interprets nearly every scene through the eyes of its characters. A very deliberate touch is how, save for Rebecca, no grownup is ever fully seen onscreen. This Peanuts/Muppet Babies approach perfectly suits The Christmas Tale, where our characters’--and in effect, our own--understanding of how to survive is limited to a few hysterically tongue-in-cheek B-movie excerpts about the rubbery voodoo cursed undead.

I was utterly charmed by this movie in a way that makes me smile like a proud and approving aunt. This isn’t a “horror” in the typical definition of the genre, but because you care so much about these realistic, funny, and imperfectly not adorable kids, you remain surprisingly frightened for their fate throughout the film’s big chase scenes. At the same time, there’s a wonderful Peter Pan-esque cruelty they realisitcally commit against each other, eliminating the innate cuteness that could have clogged the earlier scenes with cloying child actors. While it does get fairly dark, it's almost the perfect film for those younger teenagers about to dip their toes into actual horror movies but still not ready for full blown boobs and guts.

High Points

There’s never one moment where you don’t believe in the naturalness of our young quintet, which is a huge testament to both the talented young actors and wise skills of the director

The Christmas Tale is quite a beautifully shot film, with original camera sweepings into and out of Rebecca’s pit and lots of touches that keeps the story from a child’s perspective

Having the film’s “monster” cast as a female is an intriguing touch that works well to stir up the children’s relationships. It helps that actress Maru Valdivielso brings both a sad sense of worldliness and a hungry old fashioned villainy to her character without even 20 words of dialogue.

Low Points

I suppose I was left wondering about the true nature of Rebecca, but since this was such a quickly paced film and our viewpoint was from the kids, I really didn't mind that dangling mystery

Lessons Learned

You know a boy likes you when he chooses Princess Leia as your code name

Blue cheese goes well in fish pie

Watching zombie movies at a young age is one of the most educational endeavors a child can take for him or herself

Mothers who watch Dynasty are risking the lives of their children

Rent/Bury/Buy

If even one other pick from the 6 Films to Keep You Awake boxed set is as enjoyable as this one, I’d encourage a buy if the price is right (and at just $17 on Amazon, it’s right enough for my xmas present to myself). My disc came from Netflix with a second film on the flip side (the soon-to-be-watched A Real Friend) and an entertaining making-of featurette that’s worth a good spirited watch for anyone who wants to learn more about The Christmas Tale. If you’ve been waiting for a slightly more serious companion to the Monster Squad and don’t mind some subtitles, I can’t encourage you enough to check out this funny, spooky, and utterly original little film.

Christmas With the Combustible Covens

After the debacle that was Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (from a non cheese lover’s point of view, of course) and the bore that was Part III: You Better Watch O ut,  along came the ‘90s and with it, a new take on the yuletide slaughter series determined to start fresh. Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation, takes the Halloween III approach by having absolutely nothing to do with its forebearers (although a fantasy sequence from the previous film does get a Clint Howard approved cameo). Directed by genre B+ student Brian Yuzna (The ReAnimator sequels, Return of the Living Dead III), this is an interesting and imperfect little movie that embraces all the fun trappings of the lesser decade it was made in.

Quick Plot: Homeless Clint Howard shambles his way down a dark LA alleyway as a woman falls to her death before his eyes, her lower half spontaneously combusting with no human explanation. We’re then introduced to our lead Kim (Neith Hunter), a wannabe journalist doing everything she can to move up from editing the classifieds. Surprisingly enough, she’s learning the hard way that publicly sleeping with a head reporter one month after being hired is not earning her the respect she so craves. That glass ceiling sure is hard to crack, sister.

Frustrated that her snazzily dressed boyfriend won’t pester the boss for her promotion, Kim decides to take matters into her own hands by investigating the mysterious death and writing its story. Research begins at the scene of the crime, where Kim meets an Asian American butcher speaking like an idiot, even though he clearly has perfectly apt English pronunciation skills. Next stop is a New Age shop where the ill-mannered Kim acts like an ignorant snob while somehow charming Fima, the owner, into getting invited to a picnic. Who knew that the way into a hippie shopkeeper’s heart was by accepting her candy, then spitting it out and handing the inside back?

The next day, Kim meets up with Fima and friends for a midday picnic where within 45 seconds, she becomes the center of a toast and gets tipsy off of half a glass of wine. Something is clearly off, since no way would someone with the bad attitude of Kim make friends so quickly. 

To quote another female centered horror film with “Christmas” in the IMDB keywords, all of them witches. It’s not spoiling anything to hint at Fima’s intentions towards Kim, none of which involve girl talk over cosmos. The actual direction of their relationship is interesting, if rather underdeveloped in an extremely brisk film. Strange things begin to happen when Kim hangs out with her new gang: cockroaches invade her apartment, her head spins with flashes of the film’s previous scenes, spaghetti swirls itself into symbolic spirals, and Clint Howard dons a Kubrickian Pinnocchio nose to romance the baffled redhead and get his bare chest oiled up by senior citizenettes.

It's even more disturbing than it sounds.

High Points

A major character’s death is quite well executed, with a few nasty stabs that feel drawn out and mean

Director Yuzna earns a few extra points simply for naming his son (who plays a key character in the film) Conan

Not surprisingly, the practical effects are quite impressive in a richly gooey way. There's a touch of Cronenberg in some of the semen-ish fluids sprawled throughout Kim's after hours adventures, as well as plenty of good old fashioned ickiness

Low Points

Much like myself, Neith Hunter has apparently never been touch to develop an indoor voice, making a good deal of her passionate arguing in the early scenes make us wonder how we’ll be able to survive another 90 minutes when it always feels like our lead is just yelling at us

We never really learn the nature of Fima’s spells, or religion, or hobby or whatever. The imagery and basic atmosphere is interesting enough to follow, but it’s an odd choice to leave so much of the film’s villainess a mystery

Lessons Learned

Upon discovering a body engulfed in flames, feel free to touch it

When you put Reggie Bannister in a sweater, he has a striking resemblance to Lisa Simpson’s band conductor, Mr. Largo

To make your multi-zipper leather jacket really pop, pair it with a tight black turtleneck. Especially if you’re a man.

Books about spontaneous combustion are classified in the occult section of your local  pagan bookstore

LA is a very windy city, but also safe enough for picnickers to leave their car windows wide open as they roam around public parks

Winning Line

“Kim’s Jewish.” 

“Oh Jesus!”

Familiar Face

Chipmunk voiced Allyce Beasley, once again taking on the best friend role she chirped her way through in Rumplestiltskin, and once again not receiving a death worthy of her cloying character

Rent/Bury/Buy

Much like some of Yuzna chum Stuart Gordon’s film, Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 is a pleasant ride during its run time, but quite forgettable when it’s done. The effects are neat and the actual premise is different enough to warrant a watch, but the overall product isn't quite smart enough to earn a place in body horror and not the joyous time that makes something like Jack Frost 2 an annual yuletide viewing. Completists considering the new boxed set should seek it out without worry, as it is a film that merits rewatching somewhere down the line. For others, a rental should suffice.

It's.....Showtime!

Wanna know what I thought of Dexter's latest season?

You'll have to head over here to Pop Syndicate to get the scoop.
Needless to say, it contains spoilers, hatred for office romance, and undying love for all things Michael C. Hall.

Wanna win free shtuff? Pop over to Planet of Terror's splendiforous blog where the fearsome Cortez the Killer is giving away a DVD of Summer School (not the Mark Harmon masterpiece), a 2006 independent horror with some pretty impressive buzz. All you have to do is leave a comment with your wackiest anecdote recounting your own high school or summer school days and the filmmakers themselves will choose a winner. The deadline is Xmas Eve, so comb through your thinning hair for a fun memory, post it on http://planetofterror.blogspot.com/2009/12/summer-school-contest.html and hope the Internet Santa smiles upon you!

I myself have not yet seen the film in question, but it's been highly recommended by opinions I respect so you can bet your lunch money I'll be entering.

Until then, there are at least three more Xmas themed movies (and hopefully none of them are striving to be X-rated, like the woefully misguided Santa Claws I'm still mourning having watched) scheduled for the week, so keep reading and making me think it's more important to watch Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 than it is to shop, bake, decorate, or absorb the standard spirit of Old St. Nick.

The Road to Hell is Lined With Feeders

In case you hadn’t guess from the peppermint scented sewage dripping out of the Doll’s House, I’ve been devoting the month Christmas horror movies that have by some miracle on 34th street completely evaded my eyes in past years. It hasn’t been easy (why Santa Claws , why?) but the randomly wrapped diamonds in the rough (may your days be merry and bright Harry Stadling ) and the festive support of you dear readers has made it worthwhile.

And then I watch something like Feeders and its sequel, Feeders 2: Slay Bells, and wonder just exactly what is wrong with me and the world I live in.

Quick Plot:

We’ll start with Feeders, a 1996 shot-on-video alien invasion film about two friends who go hiking in the wilds of Pennsylvania and encounter paper mache Martians. Before this happens, we’re subject to lots of driving and a vaguely Peanuts-esque musical score to guide our way. The characters are played by co-directors Jon McBride and John Polonia, and I suppose the nicest thing I can say is that they’re equally good at performing as they are at making movies.

No, that’s not a compliment at all, because Feeders is insanely awful.

The guys hike. At a gas stop, Polonia’s Bennett arranges dates with a pair of single ladies who make your average school lunchlady look like Charlize Theron, much to the chagrin of the nature loving Derek (McBride), who’d rather take photos with what resembles a secret water squirting prop camera. You can’t really blame him.

At some point, the synthesizer hits pause to let in the growls of angry puppies, aka our main villains. Blood is spilled. Derek must make a fateful decision. Polonia gets to play possessed. The credits roll and we breathe a pained sight of relief.

Rather than flush the DVD down the toilet like the filmmakers did 68 minutes earlier with my spirit, masochists like me then return to the menu for the long awaited (by those nearing suicide but in need of an extra push) sequel from 1998.

Feeders 2: Slay Bells takes the petite carnivores into the holiday season as they stalk an unattractive and unlikable family bearing a creepy resemblance to Billy Pilgrim’s wife and kids in the film adaptation of Slaughterhouse Five. The aliens have received something of a makeover, looking a little slimmer, smaller headed, and much grayer. I’m fairly certain there’s a very rational explanation for this, such as the props were stored in a damp closet and this is simply what they look like water damaged. 

Anyway, Dad’s churning out a Bob Cratchit like existence and Mom’s honing her parenting skills by making her cute kids abandon imagination-enhancing games of make believe to sit in front of the TV and watch public domain cartoons. After what seems like eternity in a vacuum, the arts & crafts aliens break into the heavily decorated home and...growl. Dad investigates. We get randomly placed interviews with “special guest star” Jon McBride, reprising his role in Feeders by recounting exactly what happened in that complex and riveting film. Santa Claus shows up to conquer the Martians  and, by default, prove that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is nowhere near the worst film ever made when this production company has at least 20 more to choose from.

I was all set to give a full disclaimer about the Feeders series being low budget indies made by well-intentioned amateurs, but then I did some IMDBing and learned that this was their sixth film. A Wikipedia entry mired with typos informed me that the Polonia Brothers and McBride (he of Woodchipper Massacre fame) had become something of a success amongst the direct-to-video renting Blockbuster crowd. 

This proves once again that Blockbuster may indeed by run by exiled demons of hell.

I try not to allow myself to fully hate any independent do-it-yourself movie because filmmaking on a nonexistent budget is a challenge only the bravely dedicated can possibly complete. I’ll give my token congratulations to McBride and the Polonia Bros. (total twin power who directed Slay Bells), but I’ll also confidently proclaim these movies to be, without question,  an experience less pleasant than watching a retirement home’s theatrical adaptation of Showgirls.

High Points

The DVD extras show that the filmmakers had enthusiasm. So, you know...good for them

Low Points

See review

Lessons Learned

If you want to make an audience truly uncomfortable, be sure to feature extreme closeups of unattractive actors in your film

Puppets do not require mouths to chew through human flesh

When your only special effect is to insert the time of day in bold print at the bottom of a shot, you might as well utilize it as often as possible. 

Violently aggressive aliens are coming to earth for the sole purpose of stalking a single lower middle class family

Winning Line

“It was too surreal to be a dream. but too unreal to be believable.”

This is actually kind of tragic, as it reveals the writers aren’t even creative in their dreams.

Rent/Bury/Buy

No. Just no. For the love of all lovably bad cinema that actually deserves a watch (Don’t Open Til Christmas  never looked so good), avoid this movie or use the DVD for something far more productive, like making a disco beret for your cat.

*DVD pictured is not from Netflix, as no matter how much I want to spare others from the Feeders fate, I could still never bring myself to destroy a film. Nope. That’s just my overly scratched and now unwatchable copy of Love Actually.

Yes, believe it or not, I do occasionally watch Christmas films that have an IMDB rating of greater than 2.

You Know You've Made the Naughty List When You Meet Santa Claws

One of the difference between films and flicks (according to Emily Intravia's Encyclopedia of Filmic Knowledge, copyright pending) is that a film stands on any ground while a flick is made--sometimes exclusively--for a very specific audience. I often look to movies classified in the children’s section as prime examples: I wasn’t charmed by The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride, but the kids I babysat for in the 90s could easily watch it all day long, while WALL-E and The Muppet Movie remain triumphant masterpieces for viewers of any age. As much as I'd like to, I find it hard to tear apart something like Beverly Hills Chihuahua; some films simply aren’t mine to destroy.

Santa Claws, a 1996 direct-to-video release, was not made with someone like me in mind, mostly because I’m not fourteen, male, or a Cinemax subscriber. It may be directed by none other than Night of the Living Dead’s screenwriter John A. Russo and feature several familiar horror faces, but this is not, I repeat, NOT the kind of film any old genre bug should rent on a whim and expect satisfaction.

Quick Plot: Scream Queen Illustrated is branching out for the holiday season with a new video series starring busty models rubbing gift boxes over their tanning booth certified skin. Star Raven Quinn (Debbie Rochon) is a tad distracted by her crumbing marriage to a greasy photographer. Thankfully, her kindly neighbor Wayne is harnessing a fatal attraction so he’s always around to babysit her daughters and sedate them with spiked hot cocoa.

Now surpisingly, Wayne’s infatuation grows to homicidal proportions. This has something to do with him once witnessing his mother and a Santa hat-clad stepfather doing it on Christmas Eve and promptly shooting them dead. Such a childhood experience will apparently inspire young men to don Street Fighter’s Vega-esque gloves made from a garden weasel and hunt down softcore porn stars with a fiery (eh, slightly warmed) hatred.

This is the kind of film with interesting enough cover art that any attentive video store clerk would simply refuse to rent out. There’s a mildly interesting (in theory) story thread about horror conventions and the potentially dangerous fandom/adoration they birth in lonely men, but you have to pretend that gigantic glass of heavily rummed eggnog is more than halfway full to consider any of the film worthwhile. It's not. In any way. At all.

High Points

Debbie Rochon is no Cate Blanchett, but she does put forth an enthusiastic energy that makes at least some of Santa Claws watchable enough, and her interview in the DVD's extras do prove her an intelligent and articulate performer deserving of far better work in film

Don’t be fooled by the two hour running time listed on the Netflix’s DVD jacket. If Santa Claws has nothing else going for it, at least it only clocks in at 80 minutes (about 30 of which are devoted to naked women gently violating stuffed animals,  another 15 to low rent Christmas songs played while characters drive, and 80 to a film that just should not be viewed)

Low Points

I didn’t really need elaborate striptease sequences, but if the whole appeal of the female cast is that they’re “scream queens,” wouldn’t it be more appropriate if the nudity had something to do with horror? A witches hat and broom don’t count.

There’s just about nothing remotely clever regarding any of the dialogue. Sample villain’s threat: "Seasons greetings. Santa Claws is coming to town!” Really? That’s all you got? 

Lessons Learned

Children are easily entertained by rather tragic stories of alcoholics stalking their mothers

A lot of people like looking at skin, especially when it’s mostly artificial and dry humping a teddy bear

Uptight in-laws have nothing better to do than wait at home to judge you

When your Santa suit needs some badass makeover, grab a can of spray paint

Rent/Bury/Buy

Um. I guess if you like watching women throw packing peanuts over their fake breasts as electric music plays on loop, this is the film for you. Plain old fashioned horror fans should stay as far away as absolutely possible, as there’s nothing but an uncomfortable actor muffling dialogue under a ski mask and occasionally hugging lax security guards to death. Even porn enthusiasts should be worn: while the writing seems catered to establishing boring conversations that will quickly escalate into X territory, there’s no actual sex scenes to not enjoy. Unless you need to stuff some DVD equivalent of coal in someone’s stocking, stay far away.