Monday, March 18, 2024

And Then There Were Eleven

 


I'm the kind of easy mark when it comes to sales. Yellow sticker screaming price reduction that's still higher than the product to the left of it? SOLD. Similarly, when I get a free trial on ANYTHING, you can bet all my complimentary credits that I'll milk it for every last drop.

In case you were wondering, that's why yet again, we're here at the Criterion Channel as my 3-month membership ticks away. Zip up your parka and let's go! 

Quick Plot: A group of 11 teenagers are invited to a mysterious ski trip in the wintery mountains. With the exception of one pair of twins, none of the kids know one another, nor do they have any idea why they were selected or what EXACTLY they were selected for. The few parents we see are happy to dump their load off, even if the three instructors seem to be a little...off.


There's Gita, the long-haired sole female unwilling to take any sass from the teenage boy contingent. Wild-eyed Dingo seems like the kind of guy who fails senior year eight times to maximize his time bullying nerds. And of course, "Daddy." 


Up the kids trek into an isolated cabin surrounded by nothing but snow. Food--well, the good food--runs out quickly, putting everyone on edge. Then there's Daddy's sudden declaration that while there are 11 teenagers in the cabin, his list only accounts for 10. One doesn't belong, and Daddy insists it's the kids' job to identify the interloper. 


I don't know nearly enough about the political and cultural climate of 1987's Czechoslovakia to fully understand what writer/director Věra Chytilová is exploring with Wolf's Hole, but that doesn't mean I didn't find it fascinating. I went into this based on the Criterion Channel's description that implied it to be a satire of American slashers. Those elements are there, though there's clearly a lot more at play. 

The only real problem with Wolf's Hole is that it's an impossible movie to describe in a way to set any audience (particularly a genre one)'s expectations. Contrary to the marketing, this isn't really a horror film...but it's also not, well, any particular category. There's certainly satire and humor, maybe a little science fiction, and the bones of horror to put the audience in a very particular brain space. Don't go in expecting to be scared, but do expect entertainment...in a very odd way. 




High Points
I won't spoil it, but Wolf's Hole has one of my favorite endings to a movie in recent memory. I was NOT expecting to walk away from this feeling the way I did

Low Points
It was probably impossible to do with a group of 11 and such a brisk runtime, but it would have helped to have a little more differentiation between the kids (both physically and in terms of personality). I don't mind them all being kind of terrible, but I guess I would have preferred terrible in different ways



Lessons Learned
The weakest link is always left out

Put enough teenagers together and you're bound to have a food fight



SPOILER ALERT LESSON: the real trick to surviving a mysterious sure-to-kill-you trip? Never, and I mean NEVER, take that optimistic group photo before setting off. Our teens don't do it here and they're all better off for it

Rent/Bury/Buy
It's hard to say too much about Wolf's Hole without giving away some of its surprises. It's probably important to go in knowing you're not getting an '80s slasher or typical dead teenager movie, but at the same time, having those concepts in mind help enrich Wolf's Hole. It's not quite like anything else I've seen, which is always exciting. 

Monday, March 11, 2024

Another Dose of Compliance

 


In this (deadly doll's) house, we celebrate the work of Kyle Gallner. 



Pay your respects and hop in.

Quick Plot: At 21 years old, Randy Bradley hasn't done much with his life. He quietly toils away at a dour burger joint where nobody even knows his first name. His pride gets a minor boost with the tease of a managerial promotion, but the moment he uses it to stand up to a jerk of a coworker, it all tumbles down. 



Being humiliated is one thing. Randy is used to it. Benson is not. 


Played by the always great Kyle Gallner, Benson is the kind of guy you don't notice. Older than the teenagers around him but seemingly even less ambitious, his presence barely registers until it explodes into a shooting spree, sparing only the terrified Randy Bradley.


Written by Jack Stanley and directed by Carter Smith, The Passenger is a fascinating film that toys with genre conventions in ways that constantly make the viewer wonder exactly what they're supposed to be feeling. Is Benson a mere homicidal sociopath or Randy's guardian angel? 


It's a more complicated question than you could possibly imagine. Randy, played beautifully by Johnny Berchtold, has his reasons for living in a whisper, but Benson is right in some regards: he does deserve to give himself more. But Randy is also a good enough person to see past Benson's Tyler Durden-y philosophizing for its own inconsistency.

Having recently rewatched The Ruins, I can now enthusiastically throw myself on the Carter Smith train. The Passenger is a completely different film in terms of story and tone, but when you put them together, you can see so many of Smith's unique strengths as a genre director, particularly in how he's able to draw such real but deeply layered characters without much exposition or background. He seems to have a genuine human touch with his work, and that goes a long way when exploring something horrific.




High Points
For such a lean film, there's quite a lot going on in terms of what's driving our characters, but with the setup The Passenger has, it's still fascinating that the primary story at the heart of the film is how Randy Bradley has spent the bulk of his life in the smallest way possible because of such an understandable guilt over having hurt someone. It's not the kind of emotion that would normally get this kind of treatment




Low Points
I don't know that I have any real complaints about The Passenger, so why not use this space to ask a question that always makes me mad: why isn't Kyle Gallner a bigger star? 



Lessons Learned
It takes a lot of energy to hate a seven year old


Fast food has far more character than a food court

Even the smallest public elementary school needs better security training for office staff



Rent/Bury/Buy
The Passenger is not a fun watch, but it's a beautifully done challenge of a film that explores some very human issues. Don't go in lightly, but do go in.

Monday, March 4, 2024

Spa Day of the Dead


Some people get goosebumps at the classic Universal logo that rolls out before the opening credits. Others cheer at Marvel's new collage. Me? I hear the calming oceans of Marvista and say, "oh yes, this will be something special."



Quick Plot: An unnamed woman steps into the sauna at Serenity Gardens, fancy spa, expecting to sweat out her troubles. Instead, she sweats out...her LIFE.


One year later, we're led back to Serenity Gardens via Stella, a business consultant brought in by owner Ivy to help take things to the next level. The staff bristles at the interference of an MBA. Crystal healing specialist Jett worries her lack of clients will get her fired. Trainer Boxer is a creepy stalker-in-the-making. Yoga heartthrob Kilman follows his own rules, while his casual girlfriend Zoe is the office manager one wheatgrass shot away from pure insanity. 


Unbalanced employees can certainly create an unhealthy work environment, but it ultimately comes down to management. Ivy is an incredibly toxic boss. She pits her team members against one another and punishes meeting misbehavior with forced planks. THIS WOMAN IS THE DEVIL. 


Despite her business sense and education, Stella proves herself to be quite an idiot. Red flag after red flag waves in front of her face and yet she hangs on to her consulting gig, even after obsessive customers are stalking her house, drunken employees threatening her safety, and she becomes the prime suspect in a spa-set murder.


Killer Co-Worker is a tubi original, and that my friends, is a beautiful thing. Lifetime has long held a special place my heart as a reliable source of satisfying melodramatic cheese. tubi seems to have stolen its template, made a copy despite the machine being low on ink, then filled in the outline with whatever spilled wine product was near. 


This is a zany, zany little thriller. Everyone is operating at an 11 save for our 'normal' lead, who instead operates as if 11 was her IQ score. Somehow it all balances out. Director V.T. Nayani gets all her actors on the same page of stupid and by golly, it works. 

High Points
As an actor, it takes a fair amount of bravery to just GO FOR IT (particularly when the material doesn't necessarily support IT), and I have to call out Kendra Williams for taking Zoe to glorious heights of insanity



Low Points
Obviously, Killer Co-Worker isn't working on Titanic (or possibly even Titanic 666) levels of budget, but to establish its main setting as a thriving business with a huge waiting list, it probably would have been more effective to show more than one client

Lessons Learned
Laughter inhibits the power of crystals



MBAs speak fancy language, using terms like 'value adds'

Never trust a woman in a blazer



Rent/Bury/Buy
Like I say anytime I review a Lifetime thriller, you know just by the words "Lifetime thriller" if it's going to work for you. Killer Co-Worker reads exactly the same way, and I had a blast. Keep 'em coming, tubi!

Monday, February 26, 2024

Alpha All the Way


Welcome to the Annual February Shortening! In honor of the shortest month on a blog written by a short woman, all posts are devoted to stories about vertically challenged villains. If you, reader of any height, have your own mini-horror to share, do so in the comments and I'll include you in a final post roundup as the calendar changes!

Monday, February 19, 2024

Bigger Than Bat Boy

 


Monday, February 12, 2024

Not All Heroes Wear Collars

Welcome to the Annual February Shortening! In honor of the shortest month on a blog written by a short woman, all posts are devoted to stories about vertically challenged villains. If you, reader of any height, have your own mini-horror to share, do so in the comments and I'll include you in a final post roundup as the calendar changes!


and for the English speakers:


Quick Plot: Li Tung is growing annoyed by his upstairs neighbors and their late night floor banging (noise-making, not the sexy kind). He knocks on their door to discover an old apologetic man, his attractive daughter, and an even more attractive black cat. The next day, the household has moved, but Li Tung can't quite shake the feeling that something was off. He sneaks into their empty apartment to discover a horrifying bloodstain.



The cops aren't thrilled to waste their morning on what turns out to be cat remains. Li Tung joins police inspector Wang at the modern mansion of suave novelist friend Wisely' to discuss the case further as the city experiences its own unusual crime: the mysterious museum theft of an artifact called "the octagon". 

By a cat.


And mushroom blob monster.


No, they're not working together. See, the cat is actually an alien general in the body a kickass cat, and the mushroom blob monster is its sworn enemy with the power to possess the puny human bodies it touches.The adventurous Wisely is now fully entrenched in helping to save the world, though he, like so many mere mortals, initially suspects the cat of villainy. 

Yes, I know: The Shortening is a month of vertically challenged villains, but The General is actually quite heroic. I THINK he saves the world? But it takes a LITTLE time to make that clear, and when we see him pitted against a lovable mastiff in an all-out brawl, we're not necessarily rooting for him. 


Until, of course, we see his incredible battle skills.


Cinema is filled with memorable fight scenes. Rocky vs. Apollo Creed, Luke vs. Vader, The Bride vs. Vernita Green, Nada vs. Frank. I'm sure there are plenty of listicles with scientific rankings, but I tell you now, dear reader, that if said ranking does not include The General vs. Lau Pu, aka Alien Cat v. Good Dog In Junkyard, then said list should only be used as litter. It means NOTHING.


The Cat was made by Lam Ngai Kai, an extraterrestrial in the form of human director best known for the magnificently zany Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki. The Cat is on par. There are just as many explosions and bug-eyed dummies, plus the added thrills of an electrifying mushroom blob monster and, you know, THE CAT. 


They don't make 'em like this anymore.

Most never make this ANYWHERE.

High Points
I can't possibly oversell the puppet cat vs. paper mache dog junkyard battle because it is EPIC and so much more than you can possibly imagine, so much more than you can ever deserve

Low Points
Until someone promises me that no animals were harmed in the making of The Cat, I'll withhold SOME of my intense enthusiasm 

Lessons Learned
Vodka is the strongest wine in the world

Always stock your home bar with top shelf alcohol, both for optimum cocktail service and most effective molotov cocktail service


Cats are the social equivalent of blacksmiths


Rent/Bury/Buy
The Cat is streaming on the Criterion Channel. Your life will be better after you experience it.