One Flew Over the Martian's Nest

I don’t think I’ alone in remembering movies from my childhood more as moments than full narratives. I couldn’t tell you much about my family’s VHS copy of Invaders From Mars, save for those specific images that stuck: a mother eating raw beef, icky open wounds on the back of adults’ heads, and Louise Fletcher practicing Grandma Foxworth’s diction screaming a-e-i-o-u (in my own re-imagining, she adds “and sometimes y”).

Naturally, when it popped up on Instant Watch, it was a natural experiment to see how Tobe Hooper's little loved sci-fi/horror remake played to my adult sensibilities.

Quick Plot: Young Hunter Carson lives happily in the suburbs with his mom and NASA employed dad. One night, he spots what a possible UFO landing just over the hill outside his window. Dad takes a walk to investigate and returns a little ... off.

Just give it one more day and a parents-only walk before Mom is serving up blackened bacon and eating raw chopped meat. At school, Hunter begins to suspect his teacher may also be under some form of extraterrestrial influence, and not JUST because she happens to be played by Nurse Ratched. 

Thankfully, Hunter is able to convince the friendly school nurse Linda (genre stalwart Karen Black) that something is amiss. Together they discover a series of underground tunnels occupied by giant, fleshy ball creatures with long legs and almost adorable t-rex arms, plus their master who resembles what I assume would happen if a baseball had sex with a meatball, the meatball took thalidomide when pregnant then drank steroid-infused clamato while breastfeeding.

Slightly cute, but mostly ugly.

Invaders From Mars is a remake of a classic (though unseen by me) sci-fi film from the golden ‘50s. This version starts with a fair amount of complicated pedigree: Alien creator Dan O’Bannon on script duties and Texas Chainsaw Massacre director Tobe Hooper behind the camera. Fresh off of the alien (and boob)-filled Lifeforce and slightly distanced from the controversial Poltergeist, Hooper seems to approach Invaders from a rather in-between style. With its child protagonist and PG rating (although a 1986 PG is generally translated into a 2014 PG-13), Invaders From Mars certainly feels like it’s made for a younger audience. On the other hand, some of the violence and general theme of Martians landing on our planet to possess your parents, eat your teachers, shoot your war heroes, and poke a hole through your neck is rather rough stuff for the kiddie crowds.

More problematic is the pacing. My understanding of the original film is that it follows a similar feel to Invasion of the Body Snatchers, with a slow build of suspense with special attention to its Cold War analogy. Hooper’s film has other aims. We get one quick but sweet scene setting the Carsons up as a happy family before immediately pulling them apart. It’s not that every monster movie with a child lead has to include the obligatory ‘only the kid knows the truth!’ trope, but Invaders moves so fast that there’s not even time for the intelligent adults to question him.

It’s strange. There’s so much about Invaders From Mars that’s almost awesome. You’ve got a super duper supporting cast filled with the likes of Timothy Bottoms, Laraine Newman (with a Coneheads reference to boot!), and James Karen, all of whom clearly relish the chance to go big. The effects by Stan Winston and John Dykstra are genuinely great, and plenty of weird touches (Fletcher’s zombie-teacher-intimidating-through-vowel-reciting, for one) that keep the film on a kind of special radar.

It’s not really enough. I enjoyed watching Invaders From Mars, but to call it a good film would be a lie. And reader, would I ever lie to you?

High Points

Enough really can’t be said about the creature design of Invaders’ Martians. Gooey, ugly, and genuinely not of this world. Also, they shoot lasers. That’s never bad

Low Points

I don’t really want to even talk about the ending because it made me that mad, so we’ll just leave that right there

Lessons Learned

Always keep a sack of pennies on you. They might cause you to run with a limp and almost get caught by clumsy martians or schoolteachers, but it's worth it

Marines have no qualms about killing martians (although they never carry spare change into combat)

Astronauts need to stay up late

Rent/Bury/Buy

Just 90 minutes on Instant Watch, Invaders From Mars is certainly worth a look for those interested in sci-fi, heavy practical effects, or true ‘80s genre cinema. I can’t imagine anyone will declare this an unheralded classic, but it’s a weird little oddity that should prove entertaining on one level or another. I mean, lasers. Who doesn’t love ‘em?

To the Litterbox, And Beyond! The Cat From Outer Space

When I think ‘children’s film produced by Disney Studios,’ these things generally do not pop into my mind:

Clearly I did not grow up watching The Cat From Outer Space.

Quick Plot: A mysterious aircraft lands behind the farm of a one-flap down overalls wearing old man and his dog, and while we all cross our fingers for a Killer Klowns prequel, we instead get the adorable entrance of a slim cat rocking a truly fabulous, super powerful (and most importantly, quite sparkly) collar.

He is, after all, The Cat From Outer Space.

The government relocates the now empty vessel to their supersecret facility, a lair so well-protected is has a chain link fence AND sole guard dog working security. Meanwhile, a gaggle of scientists is called in to explain to General Stilton (big cheese jokes galore) what a floating artichoke-shaped crystal found on board might be. 

Fluttery Sandy Duncan can’t figure it out, but she does recommend bringing in her neighbor/carpool buddy/potential love interest Dr. Wilson to unlock its secrets. Though he fails to impress the military, Wilson catches the cat’s eye of Zunar-J-5/9 Doric-4-7, the adorable feline he’ll nickname Jake as we discover he is indeed, THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE.

As you might expect, Jake is all sorts of awesome. His super sparkly collar enables him to communicate telepathically, make humans fly, freeze moving things for 20 minute time blocks and most notably, rig any sporting event with incredible feats of cheating. 

See, in order to get back home to his mother planet (where life has evolved to the point it needed to, i.e., felinedom) Jake needs $120,000 worth in solid gold. Naturally, with a clock ticking and a handy gambling addict of a neighbor crashing on Wilson’s couch like Kramer with a drinking problem, Jake and his two-legged pal concoct the perfect crime—er, plan.

Right. It’s a kids film, so betting on multiple football games and telepathically altering the final score is a PLAN, not a crime.

Unfortunately, a visit from Mr. Ed’s loyal Wilbur (here playing a vet who also, whaddya know? seems to have a gambling problem) leaves Jake tranquilized, meaning our trio of heroic (and criminal) scientists must do as heroic scientists in a Disney kids film do:

Head down to the nearest pool hall serving as a front for the mafia and redirect their $1500 bet on a billiards hustle.

But first, let’s finish that beer

And cigar

Hey Sandy, got any crystal meth in that picnic basket?

Between billiards hustling and beer drinking, our heroes pause to face a few other trials, including a kidnapping scheme via a James Bond-like villain who presides over a squirmy Roddy McDowell in his batcave-ish lair bedecked with long-stemmed red roses. 

Bad. Ass.

All this culminates in what feels like a 9000 minute airplane action sequence where Bond Villain and Roddy McDowell kidnap Sandy Duncan and her Persian Lucy (whom Jake has been seriously hitting on and probably, in a deleted scene, already engaged in the kind of sex scene that would make Sasha Grey blush) as Jake telepathically flies a beaten up old plane with Wilson on board. 

All ends well, though countless bouts of innocence have been destroyed in the process.

Much like the raging alcoholic Darby O’Gill and the Little People, The Cat From Outer Space is oozing with the kinds of subplots that would be deemed wildly inappropriate for a PG rated film made today. There’s booze, smoking, gambling, cheating, kidnapping, and organized crime galore and the film is all the more charming for it. The only real shame is that the fairly bare bones DVD doesn’t include deleted scenes, which surely must have featured an orgy.

A terrifyingly easy Google image search

High Points

You have to wonder if Harry Morgan was given free reign to make General Stilton his own. Clearly the actor is having a ball, and it pays off for us

Low Points

Director Norman Tokar was clearly REALLY proud of the kind of technology that enabled him to film the climactic flight finale…for what feels like eternity

Considering the most impressive aspect of this film lies in the perfectly trained performance of its adorable lead, it’s quite a shame that the slinky feline playing the title character doesn’t get a screen credit

Lessons Learned

A hamster-powered coffee maker yields the kind of lukewarm cinematic cup of joe that can instantly be imbibed after production

1500 smackeroos generally calls for another beer

Extraterrestrial felines powered by telepathic collars are one way to fly, but really thick and visible wires are ultimately what seal the process

If the mark wants to go complete top city, he’s got a constitutional right

Look! It’s…

The Devil Times 5’s Sorrell Booke—or Boss Hogg if you want to be all common about it—as the judge that grants Jake American citizenship. Also of note: Michael J. Fox’s dad in Teen Wolf as General Stilton’s most antics-prone reporting officer

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Checklist

New Kid In Town: Replace “Kid” with “Full-Grown Scientist” or “Cat From Outer Space” and you’ve got a deal

Recent Dead or Divorced Parent: X

Montage: X (because I’m guessing any attempt at one would violate all sorts of MPAA regulations)

New Friendship: Check

Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult (Human): X. Once again, there is nary a character under the drinking--or smoking, or gambling--age

Evil Corporate Enemy: Check

Original Song: X

Bully Comeuppance: Check. Take THAT, U.S. Military!

Small Town Values: X

Back To Nature Moral: X. If anything, the comforts of Americana prove to be far superior to any joys found in outer space

Overall Score: 4/10 But there’s at least one six-pack of beer consumed, so I’m counting that as a bonus point to give us a perfect score

A-Paws Meter

The Cat From Outer Space was a VHS mainstay for many kids growing up in the ‘80s, and if that group includes you, then I highly recommend a revisit, if only to finally identify that point in your life where you delved into the underworld of gambling addiction and tobacco use. As much as I’ve joked about the adult keywords, The Cat From Outer Space is fairly harmless for the young crowd and could make for a great multigenerational viewing party. Just remember to tell the kids that gambling and cheating is not okay. Unless you’re being aided by a cat from outer space. Then the only thing that’s not okay is calling a veterinarian during game time.  

The Darkest Hour (& a half that I've watched in quite some time)

Sigh. 

For a movie fan, few things hurt quite so much as a strong young director following up something great with something awful. Thusly do we get Chris Gorak’s blander than a low sodium rice cake dud The Darkest Hour after his positively brilliant Twilight Zone episode of a film Right At Your Door.

I am sad.

Quick Plot: Two boring-to-awful young software developers are flying to Moscow to pitch their new social networking website. One is played by Anthony Mingella’s son with the personality of mayonnaise. The other is played by the usually charming, here just irksome Emile Hirsch.

I do not know or care what their names are.

Okay, fine. You might think I’m being overly harsh on a film that’s just begun, but this, THIS is the opening scene:

Two American dudes are on an airplane. The pilot announces they’re approaching landing mode, prompting the flight attendant to kindly ask Emile Hirsch to turn off his mobile device. Rather than, you know, TURNING OFF HIS MOBILE DEVICE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, Emile Hirsch launches into a smarmy, poorly written (by Prometheus scribe Jon Spaihts, I say with shivers) monologue that I assume is supposed to be charming about how that’s actually a myth and like, have you ever TESTED that theory?

This man is supposed to be our hero.

I reach for the barf bag.

Once in Moscow, our duo learns that their Swedish partner has hijacked their idea and already sold it. Naturally, two ugly Americans mourn by heading to a hip Russian club where everyone is incredibly attractive, including a fellow American girl (Brunette) and Aussie (Blonde, and yes, that will be their names for the rest of this review because I DON’T CARE). They’re making painfully dull smalltalk when suddenly, orbs of light start falling from the sky and dissolving any living thing that comes into their zone.

It’s an alien invasion! I use the exclamation point because finally, something happens onscreen that makes me actually want to look up from my burrito to my TV screen. The design of the alien attack is actually quite original: rather than big tentacled creatures, the monsters in this case travel via wavelengths. They’re mostly invisible to the human eye, appearing as spots of light that will trigger electricity nearby. So that’s neat.

If only I cared about a single character the aliens were attacking. Our quartet plus the nasty Swede hide out in the club’s cellar as a time stamp—no, seriously—tells us they stay there for “Monday” and “Tuesday.” THAT is the kind of movie this is: one so inept in its script that it can’t express the passage of a small amount of time without blatantly spelling out WHAT DAYS HAVE JUST PASSED.

Anyway, our boring white people emerge from the cellar to travel the barren streets of Moscow, perhaps the one other glint of neatness in the drudge of an 89 minute film. Seeing the Kremlin all but empty IS cool, don’t get me wrong. But seeing that the only people inhabiting it are like coffee break stand-ins for Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield in The Social Network is just sad.

At a certain point, our “heroes” meet a band of Russian badasses who are actively fighting the alien light thingies. These dudes ride horses clad in Tupperware, shoot machine guns with proud Russian bullets, and carry a wonderful sense of personality so direly lacking in our main characters. Why oh why couldn’t The Darkest Hour be about THEM?

Chris Gorak’s previous film was a smart and effective indie called Right At Your Door, wherein a stay-at-home husband had to decide whether or not to let his wife inside during a nuclear attack after she had already been exposed to deadly fallout. It was challenging and scary, filled with wonderfully rich characters and a brilliantly drawn sense of doom done with little budget. The Darkest Hour, in contrast, is a big, ugly, and worst of all, BORING retread through alien invasion. The film was released in 3D and ouch does that hurt its appearance on DVD. While I do think the concept of the monsters is quite different, the execution comes off flat. When we finally see the creatures, we might as well be watching test effects reels from the ABC miniseries adaptation of Stephen King’s Langoliers.

Except we’re not, because for all its faults, at least The Langoliers had diverse characters. Towards the end of The Darkest Hour, one character starts screaming for Natalie, Natalie, we can’t leave with Natalie! My notes:

“Who’s Natalie?”

She’s the Brunette. The Brunette who I know nothing about, nor do I care to learn. I don’t expect rich Tolstoy-esque writing from a sci-fi action thriller, but that doesn’t mean you can just give mildly attractive 20somethings directions to run, look scared, and occasionally cry and I’m supposed to care an ounce whether they survive or not, especially when they’re essentially asking other, more likable characters to put their OWN lives at risk in order to do so. Who IS Natalie? There’s some mention about an ex-boyfriend and her being valedictorian. The Blonde has an Aussie accent. Emile Hirsch sassed a flight attendant. Anthony Mingella’s son…exists.

I count myself amongst the fairly vocal contingent that thought Cloverfield was a groovy exercise hampered by dreadfully unsympathetic characters. Well folks, I take that back: compared to The Darkest Hour, the cast of Cloverfield deserve to win every Oscar and Nobel Prize known to man.

High Points

It’s mildly surprising when a few of our leads meet the Invisible Smoke Monster of Dissolving Doom. Of course, it’d be more effective IF WE ACTUALLY CARED

Low Points

Aside from pretty much everything, how about the fact that we’re never really given any chance to consider the millions of Muscovites who were wiped out in the initial attack? Our barely legal leads carry no weight with them (which is bad enough) but considering this film had access to some truly amazing parts of one of the most interesting cities in the world, you’d think they could establish SOMETHING worth noticing, like an abandoned ferris wheel at Gorky Park or a grand theater just emptied of its ticketholders. There’s never the single slightest sense that a genocide has taken place, meaning not only do we already NOT care about the survivors, but we have no real context as to who they even outlived

Lessons Learned

Young people make rash decisions

Always carry a Sharpee when traveling

Hey screenwriters, here’s a lesson: if you want the audience to immediately hate your hero, have your opening scene involve him harassing a perfectly nice flight attendant just trying to do her job. Guaranteed way to get us off his side

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was enthusiastically looking forward to The Darkest Hour and even felt slightly bummed to have missed its brief theatrical run. I LOVED Gorak’s last film, and since I spent 9 months in Moscow a few years back as an ESL teacher, the chance to see the city onscreen in one of my favorite genres was incredibly exciting. All this makes the utter dullness of The Darkest Hour positively tragic. This is a boring, uninspired, and poorly constructed film. Hardcore sci-fi nerds might appreciate the new spin on the alien forms, but that’s the extent of my recommendation. Towards the end of the film, our leads reach a boat and suddenly I started thinking to myself “Hey! I wonder if Haunted Boat is still on Instant Watch.” Now kids, Haunted Boat was without a doubt one of the absolute WORST films I’ve ever watched for this here blog, and yet I would have traded my full stash of Tootsie Rolls won in a piñata raid to switch endings just so I could at least enjoy some aspect onscreen. It might seem like I’m being overly hard on The Darkest Hour, considering I’ve given a pass to such hated works as the Nightmare On Elm Street reboo—er, remake and… But truthfully, this movie made me sad and angry. That’s a dangerous combination.