Take Five

 

I don't really consider myself a completist, but there are some pockets of pop culture that feel wrong not to master. 

Case in point: a seemingly endless horror franchise centered on murderous children.

This is my bread and butter! Or more appropriately, this is my butter-slathered corn!

I have a deep affection for 1984's Children of the Corn, a film I grew up watching far too often. Every member of my family has, at one point in time, randomly deepened their voice to moan, "Malachaiiiiiiii". It's just what you did in the Intravia household.

We rented the first sequel as soon as it came to our local video store. Some decades ago, I tried to continue on and did manage to watch parts III (the city one with Charlize Theron) and IV (the dull one with Naomi Watts) and eventually got back on track with the late aughts remake and must-remake-quickly-to-retain-rights sequels. I rather enjoyed the most recent, fairly dumb one. And with the smell of fall in the air and my 4-on-1 Blu Ray on my shelf, I figured it was time to dive into the installments I missed.

Quick Plot: A young boy named Ezekiel is alone in the cornfields when he stumbles on some kind of entity that Care Bear stares some kind of green laser at his body. One year later, a couple is bemoaning their disappointing crops when Ezekiel comes to visit, laser levitating the man and summoning his friends to murder the woman with sharp farm tools. Welcome to Gatlin!

The next day (maybe? what is time?), a horrid college age couple are driving through town when they stop to get hacked to death by the same kids. Their four friends are a few miles behind and crash into some corn, derailing their ill-defined plans to scatter their late pal's ashes. 

The group swings by a bar manned by stunt coordinator Kane Hodder. Allison is shaken when she learns that the children one town over are under the sway of cult leader Luke, who preaches the word of He Who Walks Behind the Rows. That's the same entity Allison's younger brother Jacob ran away from home to follow, and feeling guilty for abandoning him to their abusive alcoholic father, she decides to track him down.

Things go as well as you'd expect for a quartet of young people stranded in a rural town where children murder trespassers and sacrifice themselves to an eternal flame burning in a silo. 

Allison reunited with Jacob, discovering that he's about to be both a father and human sacrifice. Depressed friend Kir (played by the camera-ready Eva Mendez in her film debut) finds herself drawn to the peace of the kids' religion while Tyrus and Greg (Alexis Arquette!) try to help Allison save her brother. Sheriff Fred Williamson is of little help.

Well, he does achieve some kind of gruesome brain melding with cult leader Luke, but it ends in both of their faces being melted off, so draw?

As you probably can guess by the fact that this is the fifth installment and third straight-to-video Children of the Corn, Fields of Terror is not a particularly good movie. But remember folks, we're in a different realm here, and standards must instead be held to whether this is a good Children of the Corn direct-to-video sequel.

Good? What is good? Who can say. 

Fun? Did I have fun? Yes damnit, I did. 

The soap operatic soundtrack anytime a character got thoughtful. The way children narrowing their eyes was all you need to establish their homicidal nature. Wondering if seeing David Carradine sitting in a chair, delivering some word salad testament is what made Quentin Tarantino say, "that's my (Kill) Bill!" Director Ethan Wiley probably made a better movie with House II: The Second Story, but you know what? This is the film of his that I'll watch again.

High Points

It was a nice "that makes sense" moment to see Kane Hodder's name pop up in the credits as Stunt Coordinator, since a lot of the actual violence and horror elements work decently for, you know, the third straight-to-video installment of a never-great franchise

Low Points

Most of the Children of the Corn movies live and die on the creepiness of their primary young villain. Think of the strange unearthliness of John Franklin's Isaac or the soulless eyes of Courtney Gains' Malachi. Unfortunately, young Adam Wiley just doesn't have the evil spark you want here. Could I buy him as the kind of kid who would tuck his chewing gum under a desk or place a whoopie cushion on his teacher's chair? Sure. Do I believe he could lead a cult of homicidal minors? Sadly not.

Lessons Learned

Don't get your hopes up: you won't find a 7/11 at the end of the world

The definition of "a couple of beers" can mean half of one

Before you leave your grandchild in the arms of his new adopted mother, maybe make sure she knows how to support his infant head?

Rent/Bury/Buy

Should one invest any effort in securing and watching Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror? No, I'm not cruel enough to suggest such things. But if one happened to buy a four-pack Blu Ray that has this one on it, and 90 minutes to kill whilst laying out this week's grocery list and catching up on crossword puzzles, then yes, this here is certainly a decent way to pass more time.

Needs More Katt

I seem to have bad luck with the House sequels.

See, you probably don’t know this, but quite a few months ago, I sat down to watch The Horror Show with the full intention of sharing my thoughts in this familiar place. I was even more enthused when I realized it was occasionally considered an in-name-only threequel to the bouncy William Kattastic House. 

(Random thought: the next installment should indeed be about a haunted bouncy house)

For whatever reason, I just couldn’t get a review written. I bumbled around a little bit, learned one lesson (“If a foot’s frying in one deep fryer, you can probably guess the rest of the parts are frying in another”) and decided to abandon ship, leaving Lance Henrikson and Michelle Pfeiffer’s less famous sister on their own.

Cut to a few months later when the horror comedy mood struck me hard enough to queue up the ACTUAL House sequel, a film that proves its pedigree by a) sharing its predecessor’s theme and b) also featuring a barfly from Cheers. Although House II: The Second Story (possible favorite subtitle ever) doesn’t actually connect to the original in terms of character, it is a little more official in terms of its franchise pedigree.

And once again, I feel incredibly apathetic writing about it.

Quick Plot: Our prologue introduces us to a married couple handing off their infant son to another while they return to their Victorian style home to confront what can only be described as a ghost cowboy looking for a crystal skull.

Already better than Indy 4

When the pair refuses him, our ghost cowboy shoots them both and sends us 25 years later to the rocking ‘80s present, where Jesse (Ellen’s Arye Gross) and his girlfriend Kate (the telepathic heroine of the seventh Friday the 13th) are now moving into the long-abandoned home. Before they even have a chance to find the nearest pizza delivery, their pals Charlie and pre-Problem Child Amy Yasbeck drunkenly drive on over to open up all sorts of house secrets, including the burial location of Jesse’s namesake and great grandpa.

Because alcohol generally makes us do really awesome things, Jesse and Charlie grab some shovels and exhume Gramps (played with the same bumpkin swagger as Royal Dano’s one year later role in Killer Klowns From Outer Space) in the hopes of finding the famed skull. Gramps turns out to be rather spry--if a bit crusty--and turns into the life of the Halloween party, stealing the show from a young Bill Maher. When a big beefy leotarded giant crashes the festivities to hijack the relic, Jesse and Charlie end up traversing the alternate dimensions hidden within the house.

Stop motion animated monsters wander, weird dino bird things squawk, and the cutest worm since Labyrinth barks its way around to help protect Gramps from the ghost cowboy he apparently killed a hundred years or so earlier. There’s also a random time warp into an Incan virgin sacrifice (maybe?), a blond being traded for another and back again, a whole lot of slapsticky skull dropping, and time travel.

You might say this is a busy film.

House II: The Second Story shares the same horror comedy vibe as its original, minus the whole PTSD Vietnam veteran angle and dead kid thing. In other words, it’s a little lighter. With its cartoon violence and colorful creatures, House II actually feels more in line with an episode of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse than The Evil Dead.

I should like House II, and I’m fairly certain that on another day, I just might. Like the original, it boasts a gleeful assortment of bizarrely fun practical monsters, plus an even goofier tone that just begs to be contagious. For whatever reason though, I found the antics somewhat tiresome. Most days, the sight of a prehistoric worm dog would make me smile. Today, I just yawned.

High Points

Prehistoric worm dog!

Aside from the prehistoric worm dog, House II’s best moments come courtesy of Cliff Clifton himself, John Ratzenberger playing the world’s most efficient electrician who also happens to have Michonne-like skills when fencing Incan spirits

Low Points

A gal can only watch so many interceptions via dinosaur of magical crystal skulls before she just stops caring

Lessons Learned

Even in the late 80s, car phones got no reception in haunted locations

Neither mummies nor baby pterodactyls make for a good excuse when caught getting friendly with your ex

‘Sir’ is a term reserved for politicians

All old folksy men played by Royal Dano in the late '80s had a lot of questions for tarnation

Rent/Bury/Buy

House II fits a very particular niche of ‘80s horror comedies, and by those terms, it’s a fun watch. I would certainly recommend fans of that era check this one out via Instant Watch, even if I seemed in this viewing to be immune to its considerable charms. I’ll chalk it up to the weather, because on a typical day, I fully endorse old grizzled zombie prospectors going on Abe Simpson-esque rants while being fueled by endless liquor. Maybe I’m the weirdo in this scenario.