Let It Go

If you are one of those people who watched Adam Green's Frozen and said, "this is all well and good, but they look so cold, and if only they were inside a cable car but still stuck in the middle of the winter sky, this would be more for me, and also, can they be Russians dubbed over into English?" then kids, have I got something for you.

Quick Plot: It's New Year's Eve, and a group of fairly bland but mostly attractive young people are trying to catch the last (what IMDB calls) gondola lift to the top of a mountain for a big party. They're late, but the grumpy operator accepts a few extra bucks to send them on their way, then promptly has a heart attack and dies without leaving any record of their trip.

Naturally, things get worse from there. The car is stuck in the middle of mountainous Russia, far out of cellular service and with no record of their whereabouts. Thankfully, influencer Katya's jerk boyfriend Kirill stormed away from the group before the gondola left, meaning after he sleeps off toxic male rage, he just might care enough to raise some alarms about his missing friends.

That is, of course, if other toxic male jerk Roman doesn't murder everybody onboard first.

Remember how I said Flight 666 was both refreshing for not having the Mr. Cooper-ish over-the-top villain, but also a tad dull for it? Well, Break is the exact other side of that needle: without Roman immediately escalating their plight into every-man-for-himself mayhem, Break would be damn boring. With it, it's just not that good.

I can't blame the film itself for being dubbed or the actors for giving performances that were probably far more interesting in their native language, but Amazon or the studio's decision to only have the dubbed version streaming is just disrespectful to everyone involved...particularly the audience that chooses to watch.

That being said, flat line readings aren't the only thing dragging Break down. Being stuck amid an avalanche should be terrifying, but the effect is dulled a bit when our characters are able to stand exposed to intense winter air with a light coat and no gloves and not, you know, immediately get blown away. The randomly inserted soft pop songs certainly don't help, nor does the fact that nobody onscreen is actually worth rooting for. 

It's a slog. 

High Points
Winter horror! I love a good snowy setting!

Low Points
Kirill, who ultimately emerges as something of a hero, is clearly terrible partner material (he all but stomps his feet when Katya chooses to take the tram instead of abandoning all of her plans with her friends and followers). It would have been nice for the movie to recognize this, and it's honestly a tad scary that we're instead supposed to accept that Katya was wrong (witness her punishment) and this man is a hero

Lessons Learned
The party's over when the clementines run out

Bribery is for cops, not ski lift operators

I say it every time, and they never listen: never, and I truly mean never, make a big point of taking a hopeful group picture before venturing into unguarded nature. Whether you're a sassy spelunker or aspiring filmmaker, your chances of success, much less survival, will plummet double digits the minute you put your arm around your pal for the perfect pose

Rent/Bury/Buy
Sadly, Break is not an enjoyable watch, though it would probably get a full grade bump if shown in its original dialogue. If you're a completist on snow-set thrillers, this is a movie that might end up on a checklist...but towards the bottom. There are at least two movies called Frozen that are more entertaining.

I say chilly, you say FROZEN

There are a few things in life I've vowed to simply never do, both for personal morality and plain intelligence. They include, but are not limited to the following:

-Go to a tanning salon

-Eat dog (I had the opportunity; I passed)

-Attempt skiing

Believe it or not, despite my hobbit-esque physique, I'm actually somewhat athletic, especially if the sport is softball or badminton (I'm serious). That being said, I'm also, without question, the clumsiest woman born in the 1980s. I know, EVERYBODY says that, but anyone who has actually had the pleasure of walking down the street with me only to at some point wonder where I went (i.e., the ground) knows this is true. For further proof, I submit my following experience:


-In the fourth grade, I plummeted off the balance beam and encumbered a giant apple-sized bump on my forehead, much to the amusement by fellow classmates

-I tripped up the stairs on a school trip to the Constitutional Hall in Philadelphia, comforting my embarrassment with the thought that maybe the same thing happened to Thomas Jefferson

-I've slipped on a banana peel. It wasn't funny. Okay, it probably was for others but shut up.
 
 


-I once stepped on a pitchfork lurking in the grass and had it me in the hat (thank goodness for aforementioned softball tendencies)

For these reasons plus 28 years of more, I shall never ski.

But that really has very little to do with Adam Green's 2010 winter-set film, Frozen, now doesn't it? I just wanted to be honest about where I was coming from as a person.

Quick Plot: Three college kids head to the mountains for a day of skiing and snowboarding. Dan and Lynch have been pals since the first grade, but Dan's girlfriend Parker is new to the group and, as we learn to Lynch's distaste, skiing in general. After a day of montage-y fun on the bunny hills, the trio decides to take one last trek down the real mountains at night. 

Oh kids, haven't you read the synopsis of this film?

Due to a series of believable misunderstandings surrounding closing time, the ski lift stops right as our leads have reached the middle of the ride. Alone. And cold.

Oh, and it's Sunday night, meaning nobody is due back to the lodge for another five days. Suddenly midterms ain't looking too shabby, are they coeds?

I won't go into any more synopsizing of Frozen for fear of spoilers, although in truth, there aren't too many huge surprises. This isn't necessarily a criticism; if anything, Frozen unfolds in believable style, as our not-overly-bright but still likable heroes have to work with what anyone in that situation would: freezing cold, darkness, internal disputes, heights, and of course, lack of a cell phone (c'mon skeptical viewer: you know that any participation in a horror movie negates your power to ever make a call while in a dangerous situation). Much like The Ruins, Frozen is more about how these individuals handle an awful and deadly situation than what necessarily happens to them. Call it survivalist horror, if you will. It doesn't quite pack the joy of killer klowns or demonic possessions, but when done correctly, that's a-ok.

High Points

Hell yes you will earn points with this audience member by citing the Sarlacc Pit as the worst possible death ever

Credit certainly goes to Kevin Zegers, Emma Bell, and Shawn Ashmore for holding our attention and sympathies, something aided immensely by Green's funny and realistic dialogue

Low Points

As great as the idea behind Frozen is, there's something about it that never quite amplifies past a certain point. By the last act, we're more curious than concerned as to what the fate of the characters will be. I'm not sure if this is a matter of story, character, or, quite possibly, my own personal taste

Lessons Learned

Always give a friend a spare key, particularly if you have a dog

You can never wear too many layers

Though awful and impossible, mastering pull-ups in gym class is an incredibly useful life skill that should not be avoided in your elementary days

Rent/Bury/Buy

Frozen is a great idea for a horror film, and Adam Green (Hatchet) executes it with skill. Though the film never quite ascends past its setup to give us anything truly terrifying, it's an easy recommend and like most of Green's films, a loaded DVD to own. I had a tense and fun time watching it, but personally, I can't really see revisiting it with the same relish as something like Hatchet. It's a different type of film with a lower rewatchability factor (for me). But hey, it's still something good, original, and supportive of my stance on death sports as dumb, so high fives all around.