Love, Doll's House Style

Love is in the air, and it smells an awful lot like rotting flesh. That's an aphrodisiac for some of the characters we'll take a look at as, in honor of Valentine's Day and all its Hallmarky symbolism, we venture into some of genre cinema's best onscreen romances.

Cat People

Most men would feel no sympathy for John Heard for having to choose between cute girl-next-door Annette O’Toole and feline Natassja Kinski. Most people also despise this 1982 remake of Val Lewton’s classically terrifying original, made forty years prior with way more skin and way less tension. If you take Paul Schrader’s eroti-thriller on its own terms, however, Cat People features a surprisingly sexy love triangle (temporarily squared by Malcolm McDowell’s seductively incestuous brother). Is it scary? Not unless you really love Ed Begley Jr.’s arms (and who doesn’t?) but spending 90 minutes watching kinky transmorphing love scenes scored to David Bowie music sounds way hotter than squirting adult shop massage oil on your loved one's human back. Bore-ing.

The Happiness of the Katakuris

Not really a horror and on the surface, hardly a romance in the traditional sense, but Takeshi Miike’s 2001 hybrid does feature one of the sweetest and most refreshing love stories of the last ten years. The film itself--a quirky musical about a cheerfully dysfunctional family trying to make ends meet--is fondly remembered for its claymation uvula-eating goblins, dancing zombies, and karaoke ready numbers, but Mr. & Mrs. Katakuri’s 20+ year marriage is the steadily beating heart of what could easily have been a chaotic mess. It’s rare enough to see a genuine relationship built on support rather than drama in the movies, much less a funny and touching family foundation expressed through disco and directed by a man better known for dead puppies. Chalk it up as a point for the middle aged, financially insecure, musically gifted lovebirds out there.

The Signal

I hesitate to recommend this 2007 horror/blackomedy/thriller not because of its quality, but simply due to the fact that its driving-force love story is the weakest aspect of what is otherwise a near-great genre film. Telling the tale of a fictionalized city infected by a Crazies-like virus spread via television waves, The Signal focuses on a cheating wife and the affair that leads her and her redheaded lover through blood-soaked streets and wacky dinner parties turned Irreversible. The good news is that you get a truly frightening massacre AND a bloody good comedy for a decent hour; the bad news is the film's final thirty minutes drag on like a dull blind date. Then again, you get to finish the almost-anthology fooling your loved one into believing that he/she has just watched a genuinely appropriate romantic movie, and isn't the end result all that really matters?

Miracle Mile

Is there anything more charming than geek love at first sight? Ask Anthony Edwards' Harry Washello, a trombonist and history museum groupie (seriously) who falls quickly for spiky haired Mare Winningham in this 1988 nuclear thriller. What starts as a nerdily adorable romance quickly delves into Twilight Zone levels of tension, as Harry tries to make up for a missed date by staking himself at a diner payphone, only to instead intercept a frantic warning about an upcoming Soviet bombing. Are these the ramblings of a mad man, or genuine classified information? Does it matter when you have the chance to save the life of a cute girl and her sweetly separated grandparents? What follows is an increasingly suspenseful race against a doomsday clock that may or may not be ticking. Harry’s adventures change the course of LA (and possibly, the world) but at its heart, Miracle Mile is a documentation of how to plan the most memorable second date ever.

A Perfect Getaway

AKA Couples Retreat for an audience with better taste. This 2009 film was cursed with a misleading ad campaign and terribly timed release date, but from its newlywed leads to gorgeous Hawaiian (aka Puerto Rican) setting, A Perfect Getaway is the perfect date movie for a cold February night. Three attractive couples (well, Steve Zahn's nerdy screenwriter is questionable but everybody is somebody's type) end up in an isolated beach location, which would be fine if hazy Internet headlines weren't reporting a Mickey & Mallory pair on the loose. To say anything more would toe spoiled waters, so I'll tempt both sexes with this: while the gents enjoy the trifecta of blond hippie Marley Shelton, Georgia peach Kiele Sanchez, and the always bonily beautiful Milla Jovovich while the ladies are more than satisfied with a gleefully over the top Timothy Olyphant in a performance so good, it’s near Jedi status.

Deadly Friend

Gents, having trouble finding that perfect gift for the lady in your life? If you’re a super genius and your girlfriend is dying, has Wes Craven got a solution for you: implant your pet robot’s memory into her brain. True, she may develop a slight case of homicidal mania, but most of her victims are fairly deserving. How long could you possibly live next door to Anne “Owen, you lazy poop” Ramsey before giving into the urge to make her brains explode by hurling a basketball its way? And hey, you’re legally excused if you sic your blond baggy eyed girlfriend to do the dribbling. There are many words to describe Deadly Friend--awful, awesome, atrocious, amazing--but the nearest to someone with a Kristy Swanson and/or robot fetish is love.

Oldboy

Take a vengeful South Korean self-taught martial arts master, add a young sushi chef with warm hands and--okay, we’ll stop there. If you’ve seen Chan-wook park’s 2003 classic, you’re probably squirming in your cubicle right about now but even in your instinctual disgust, you can’t deny that Oldboy is a somewhat...well...love-filled film? The controversial romance probably wouldn’t put your Valentine in the mood for anything other than a cold shower, but you know...you get naked when you shower, right?

Bride/Seed of Chucky

Will those crazy kids ever make it work? As we know by one of the best silhouette sex scenes of all time, the answer to that is, like many a married couple, occasionally. Chucky introduced the world to his one and only in this 1998 horror comedy and boy was she ever adorable. Tiffany, played by Jennifer Tilly and bleach-blond bridal doll with one foul mouth, is everything you’d expect a murderous plaything to find attractive: innovative kill style, emerald green eyes, and a tenacity that just can’t be tamed with electrocution or fires. As we see in both this film and its underrated followup, the Lee Ray union is rockier than Pamela Anderson and any one of her husbands du jour, but doesn’t that make for more entertainment? Especially when the product of such love is an awkward young doll with identity issues and gender confusion? Would we expect any less?

Let the Right One In

Everybody remembers their first kiss, but most don’t spend the rest of their lives surrounded by blood-drained corpses as a result. Let the Right One In is a film about many things--friendship, childhood, vampyrism--but perhaps the most good-natured filter to use is that of simple old fashioned love story. Director Tomas Alfredson carefully develops the tentative relationship between the bullied Oskar and ageless Eli, starting as a charming playground meet-cute and ending with a train ride more romantic than anything that happens on board  Before Sunrise. Yes, if you spend any time considering the inevitably tragic future of the young(ish) couple, you’re left in a state of sad doom, but in its understated running time, Let the Right One In is as innocent as a middle school dance.

Shaun of the Dead

The beauty of this well-loved zomedy lies not only in its genius homages, surprising suspense, and cheeky humor, but also in not one but two love stories brimming with affection. For those with a soft spot for can-these-darn-kids-make-it-work stories, Shaun's misguided attempts to keep his long-suffering girlfriend are sweet and sadly, easily identifiable. Those who'd rather simulate 2D love with XBox 360, on the other hand, can take comfort in the genuine bromance between Shaun and his lovable loser of a best friend. Something for everyone, with Evil Dead references to boot.

The Fly

Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis had an offscreen romance while filming, because nothing lights the flames of passion faster than body horror and AIDS metaphors. Lightheartedness aside, The Fly is arguably one of Canuck love machine David Cronenberg’s best films due in no small part to the tragic chemistry of its two vertically gifted leads. I have minor quibbles with career woman Veronica’s tendency to fall in bed with all the men she works with, but The Fly remains as much an adult love story as a gooey creature feature, delving into attraction, jealousy, and sacrifice better than any Nicolas Sparks adaptation your soon-to-be-ex-girl (or boy)friend might unwittingly drag you to this Sunday.

And a few honorable mentions that didn’t make the cut primarily for not being fresh enough in my mind to merit a full paragraph:

An American Werewolf In London

Audition

Bram Stoker’s Dracula 

Cemetery Man

Dead Alive

Hellraiser

Little Shop of Horrors

Near Dark

Return of the Living Dead 3

The Toxic Avenger

So this Valentine’s Day, introduce your partner to a new world of cinematic intimacy the right way: with genre films about sexually active toys, androgynous vampires, NBA caliber robots, leprosy-ridden scientists, and more. How can you possibly go wrong?

Be Careful What You Shop For...

Everybody is abuzz with the news about Apple’s newest creation, a pretty techno do-wappy that does stuff (I didn’t watch the press conference, but people are really excited so I’m going to assume it’s a flat screen cheese griller). Clearly, the world hasn’t been watching enough horror movies or they’d know the torture and torment that come with every warranty. A few examples with a cost benefit analysis:


Evilspeak

Gadget: Satanic verse translating computer
It’s Babblefish for the Video Nasty generation when Clint Howard’s orphaned military academy cadet discovers a devil worshipping handbook in the oddly located basement computer lab. Before you can say google, the awkward teen--yes, imagine a time when Clint Howard was awkward!--uses his 1981 desktop to translate ancient rituals as written by an evil-eyed Richard Moll. Why bother? Well, how else is a 98 lb. weakling to get vengeance on the Hitler youth bullies who mess with his uniform, unplug his alarm clock, and slaughter his insanely adorable puppy?
Minuses: Impaling priests and sicking man-eating pigs on your classmates has a few sour effects, such as catatonia and a stay in the familiarly named Sunnydale Asylum. Also, your chances of scoring at the next kegger are next to nil now that you’ve killed the entire graduating class.
Worth the Price? There is no more noble cause than avenging one’s puppy. So yes. 


Hardware

Gadget:The disembodied head of M.A.R.K.-13, a cyborg originally designed as a government killing machine.
Leaping in time to land in the depressingly barren future, Richard Stanley’s 1990 sci-fi horror details a finders/keepers society where the unhealthy civilians choose a life of scavenging in a nuclear hued desert or a closed up existence in dimly lit apartment complexes. Technology is moving slowly. Video doorbells are a mainstay and running water remains usefully in abundance, but the life expectancy has seemingly plummeted, a course of actions in any society where people leave their killer robots laying around where any old Dylan McDermott can pick it up. And naturally, give it to his artist girlfriend as a Christmas gift.
Downside Believe it or now, secret government projects abandoned due to their unpredictability are, much like mogwais, not necessarily made for the holidays. Sometimes, they do what homicidal cyborgs do and regenerate with the aide of household appliances. To kill you and any perverted neighbors/good-intentioned boyfriends that might stop by.
Worth the Price? Technically, anything free is an automatic purchase and if one were to pick up M.A.R.K.-13 quickly enough, it could indeed fetch a fair price at the local trading post. And who knows? Maybe the only reason it went Terminator was due to a paint allergy. Perhaps there’s a WALL-E buried somewhere underneath that cold killer exterior. 


Kairo

Gadget: The Internet
If Strangeland and FeardotCom taught us to be careful with the path we take in the virtual world, Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s 2001 horror demonstrated a far more valuable lesson: the world wide web could actually inspire a good film. It all begins as some college students/penthouse gardeners slowly drift into lonely and isolated states of empty depression only to find that phishing and pop-up ads are the least of the Internet’s evils.
DownsideGhostly apparitions driving you to suicide, and/or your body disappearing into a moldy clump of ash that will never come out of that wallpaper. 
Worth the Price? If you’re reading this column in a pulsified world of interwebbery, there’s a 99% chance that you’re already dead or worse, trapped in some sort of empty limbo due to an unforeseen run on red masking tape. So how’s that working out for you?


Flatliners

Gadget: Defibrillator
Joel Schumacher’s star-studded sci-fi is less about a new product than old technology given a new spin, but it still illustrates a theme shared by many of the films in this list. When several insanely attractive med students (Julia Roberts, Keifer Sutherland, Kevin Bacon, pre-pastries William Baldwin and who-invited-that-guy Oliver Platt) decide to toy with the afterlife by stopping their heartbeats then bringing each other back with a few chest pumps, the results are not surprisingly not good. 
Downside: Being taunted by the ghosts of your past and...you know...dying.
Worth the Price?: The final solution turns out to be fairly easy and conveniently karma cleansing, but the whole teasing death thing seems hardly worth the time and stress involved. Why not just go bungee jumping or start a fight club?


The Fly

GadgetHuman teleport
Whether you watched Star Trek or used to beat up its fans with your model Millennium Falcon, it’s a sure bet that you once dreamed of going to the dollar store without climbing into your recalled Toyota. Teleportation is something I wishfully think of just about every day that I find myself scrunched underneath the armpit of a fellow commuter. It’s a pipe dream and perhaps I should be thankful for George Langelaan’s 1957 short story “The Fly.” This Playboy published science fiction yarn follows a brilliant but slightly careless-where-it-counts scientist taking a maiden voyage in his own innovative invention with a fellow pest of a passenger. You’re probably more familiar with the two fine film adaptations that showed, in all its insecticide glory, the true effects of picking up hitchhikers in the new wave of transportation.
Downside: Depends. If you’re spending too much time with David Cronenberg, you might find yourself slowly shedding your skin as your body morphs into gooey, brown, and limb-burning acid shooting tongued superfly with some Electric Boogaloo-esque wall-crawling abilities and the minor problem of leprocy. If you’re living in the ‘50s, you get the honor of simultaneously embodying a high-pitched housefly from the neck down and a seriously uncomfortable insect-headed man harnessing ill-will towards your lovely (if a bit daft) young wife. Both are not fun (and the Kurt Neumann’s original doubles the pain) and offer very little in the way of benefits. Although I still hope someone perfects the teleport by the time I die. Deodorant doesn’t seem to be advancing. 


The Lawnmower Man

Gadget Who doesn’t want to spin on an American Gladiators-meets-Event Horizon style high tech wheelie thing, particularly when the ride ends with bonus points added to your IQ (and, it should be noted, yours is currently hovering near Forrest Gump levels)? 
Downside Being the smartest one in the room can be lonely. So then you invite your girlfriend into your virtual reality existence for some simulated loving and she ends up a total drag. And brain dead. Plus, you get pre-Bond Pierce Bronsnan hunting you down and Stephen King suing your creator to remove his name from the mediocre film you head.
Worth the Price? Totally. Your body may not last, but your cyber energy proceeds to haunt all the telephones of the universe AND star in a straight-to-video sequel now led by Matt “Trashcanman” Frewer. Still not sold? How about using your prowess as the title role to springboard into a guest arc on Lost? Jeff Fahey, you’ve made a fine purchase.


So what kind of wacky adventures will the new iPad bring to a generation hopefully well-versed in these kinds of horrors? Let’s hope for the best and save our library cards. Unless it has computers. Or teleports. Or Clint Howard...

Help Me...Kill the Fly(s)

It may be cooling down up here in New York, but tell that to the sudden gang of musca domestica currently loitering in my apartment. Following an unsuccessful (though quite inglorious) lecture to my cats in my Lt. Aldo Raine voice, I spent about two hours swatting my walls with more fervor than Homer Simpson on Wacking Day. 

Naturally, this early hunting season got me thinking about where these winged little monsters fit in the realm of horror cinema. Since most don’t bite or have photogenic faces, the choices are not surprisingly limited but still, I submit my list:

Psycho

Who can forget the iconic last scene of Hitchcock’s classic, the grandmother of all slashers? Tucked under a blanket, a now catatonic Norman Bates stares ahead as a housefly buzzes around the head leased out to the spirit of his overbearing mother. Sure, she’s not a fan of hygienic blonds, but I guarantee you’ll never find Mama Bates’ fingerprints on a swatter.

The Fly 1958

If I were to make a list of the most disturbing scenes of all time, you can bet a beehive that the final moment of  Kurt Neuman's sci-fi horror classic would edge out any 70s midnight gang rape or scatological torture fest. There’s something that never fails to send sharp chills up my spine every time I see that closeup of a man-fly mummified in a silky spider web, shrieking in terror as a magnified arachnid approaches its prey. Is it the Munchkin-like plea for help? The fuzzy detail on the predator’s eight-eyed face? Or the mere fact that poor Andre Delambre’s best case scenario is to be crushed to death by a rock. Whatever the answer, those 45 seconds remain a nightmare, no matter how many legs you have.

The Lost

...and speaking of disturbing films...

This 2005 adaptation of Jack Ketchum’s novel is essentially a character study of one charismatic, insecure, attention craving psychopath. If you didn’t get that Ray Pye  was a human monster by the opening scene (where he guns down two innocent females simply because they may or may not be lesbians), then leave it to those pesky parasites to cue us in. Like a taller Pigpen with a shotgun license, Pye is constantly followed by an entourage of insects. We never actually see the flies, but a sublte, yet definitely audible buzz accompanies Pye throughout the film, particularly when his unstable blood seems to boil. There's no explanation for the sound, but the decision sends a clear message about the sheer wrongness of a man about to explode like an exterminator's flea bomb.

Phenomena

Before she danced with the Goblin King or survived Russel Crowe's mood swings, a teenaged Jennifer Connelly starred in this 1986 low fat giallo directed by Dario Argento, where she played a lonely exchange student whose only real friends are Donald Pleasance, his pet monkey, and creepy crawlers. While trying to survive a snooty prep school and solve a few murders, Connelly keeps her whithering sanity by smiling at the kind of things we normally step on. You may remember the striking movie poster and cover art where Connelly's face is half covered by (drum roll) flies! You'd think this would be a major scare factor of the film, but the spiders, wasps, and other multi-appendaged creatures play only a supporting role, occasionally making quick appearances to help our heroine navigate through murder scenes and elude a psychotic murderer. It's an interesting red herring of sorts in one of Argento's restrained, yet very solid little film.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Despite the presence of Paul Reubens, Rutger Hauer, and future Oscar winner/90210 regular HIlary Swank Josh Whedon’s first foray with California’s favorite undead huntress is, to put it simply, not good. So why does it make this (admittedly reaching-for-straws) list? Mostly because it contains a trick I've dreamed of carrying out: spitting a thumb tack at a wall and impaling a fly in the process. Sure, there are other ways to impress your friends or principal--like earning good grades or crushing beer cans on your head--but getting Dwight Gooden-like aim with a lethal pushpin? That's the true path to popularity.

The Fly 1986

You'll often find Cronenberg's doomed love story/ickily frightening classic battling John Carpenters's The Thing for best remake of all time, and rightfully so. Few films occupying the horror shelf contain such a perfect combination of sadness and terror and not surprisingly, we can put all the blame squarely on those flying black bodied buzzers. Just like its predecessor, this version features an earnest--if also romantically insecure--scientist attempting to teleport himself, only to be hampered by one tiny stowaway with a dynamic combination of DNA. Rather than the wacky trading places of the original, Jeff Goldblum's Seth Brundle and the unnamed insect get to mesh. After some parallel bar hijinks to rival Kevin Bacon's Footloose gymnast routine, Brundle's body morphs into a 6' tall oozing, sugar eating/regurgitating/eating again creature that can neither keep its dangly parts nor shake its love of leggy auburn haired journalists. Favorite fly-ish moments? Tough call. Is it Geena Davis' nightmarish childbirth scene that makes women around the world turn down any advances coming from a man with coarse body hair? Goldblum's heartbreaking self discovery about becoming a fly who dreamed that he was a man? The best arm wrestling scene of all time (said as I duck punches from the Hands of Steel). All are remarkable enough, but for me, it's that final moment where a now unrecognizable Brundle stares into the barrel of a shotgun held by the weeping Davis, his inhuman eyes saying everything his nonexistant tongue now can't.

Mosquitoes may have their bites and bees their stingers, but for now, let's take comfort in the shortened life cycle of the annoying, if harmless housefly. And Hollywood, take note: when I'm reaching into the pocket of Kristy Swanson's Buffy, you know you need to start making more films.