Come Right In!

Folks, do you realize just how many horror movies there are in the world? I know, I know. You're probably thinking, "I've been a genre fan my whole life, of course I know and of course I've seen them all."

Trust me: you haven't. 

Take today's feature, Deadly Manor. It's a supernatural slasher from 1990, filmed in New York with a Spanish crew. Never in my 44 years have I heard of this movie.

Quick Plot: Six young people are road tripping to a lake when they realize they have no idea where it actually is. Thankfully, a mysterious hitchhiker named Jack shows up to help direct them. 

Well, they're still hours away due to some very bad navigation, but at least they find an abandoned house that should due for a restful night. Helen feels a sense of dread and promptly storms off, leaving her boyfriend Tony and the rest of the gang to explore their strange new digs. 

There's a smashed car staged like a shrine on the lawn, a batch of caskets in the basement, dozens of photographs of a naked woman on the walls, and most troubling, a collection of human scalps on a shelf. In other words, slightly better than your last stay at a Knights Inn.

For reasons only '80s slasher screenplays can fathom, the kids still decide to stay the night. Tony even helps himself to some house wine, despite just skimming through a photo album of murdered young people a minute before. 

There are dumb teenagers, and there are Deadly Manor's dumb teenagers. 

As you might guess, they're not lasting long enough to reproduce. As the night slowly finds reasons for the kids to split up, the house gets a whole lot bloodier.

Directed by José Ramón Larraz (whose Edge of the Axe was also a, "hey, I never saw this VHS cover" discovery for me), Deadly Manor delivers on its promises. Horny young people are hunted by some kind of entity, and the reveal is both fitting for the genre and slightly new. It doesn't quite go as bonkers as Edge of the Axe, but any horror fan with a soft spot for this era should walk away satisfied.

Low Points

It's an odd choice to give us virtually no context or insight into the actual characters. Yes, they're designed to be disposable hot teenagers by the rules of the genre, but there's absolutely nothing on the page to define them. We can't even identify the lead until we happen to have one person left. The actors are perfectly appealing and deserved a little better

Lessons Learned

Everything collapses sooner or later

All a young couple needed in the '90s was wood and condoms

Don't count on the police to arrive to an emergency quickly, but do appreciate it when they're really sorry for being late

Rent/Bury/Buy

Deadly Manor didn't rock my world, but it was perfectly entertaining in a, "hey, there's a '90s slasher I haven't seen!" way. You can find it, you guessed it! on Tubi. 

Play Ball (Amongst Other Things)

A murder mystery starring Roy Scheider set around the Astrodome? Color me intrigued.

Until I watched the actual movie.

Quick Plot: Things are grave in Galveston. Attractive blond women are turning up dead on the beach, each one sliced up with a large hook and leaving a pocket filled with a cryptic handwritten note. 

On the case is Detective Mike Seaver, a former minor league ballplayer who still has a deep affection for the Houston Astros. Work is hard enough without the complications of his engagement to Roxie, a woman young enough to be the daughter of his high school ex-girlfriend. He can still remember the day they met: she was learning how to ride a tricycle. 

Yes, it's icky, and no, the film doesn't really seem to understand that. It's so much more fun to make mother-in-law jokes!

Mike is on the case, along with a corrupt and/or cowardly police force and a LOT of sexy tenor saxophone. Will he be able to stop the killer before he inevitably targets Mike's own young blonde? And what does it all have to do with the Houston Astros?

Directed by Peter Masterson, Night Game feels like the kind of movie made for tax credits. Its most defining feature is the fact that it's filmed in Texas, which certainly has some humid charm. Scheider is playing a role far less interesting than Brodie or Fosse, but he manages to maintain our attention by finding the right chemistry for each of Night Game's many subplots.

And there are so many! 

The script (by Spencer Eastman and Anthony Palmer) feels like several pages of airport paperbacks were tossed in the air and someone frantically shoved a few into a binder while rushing to catch a plane. There's a running storyline about salvaging the honor of Mike's long-dead dad that goes absolutely nowhere. Mike's annoyance at wedding planning with a mother-in-law from hell (or, you know, HIS OWN HIGH SCHOOL). Even the fact that Mike once had major league dreams barely seems to matter for the case which, in case you forgot, should be a pretty big deal.

There is a certain joy to be found in some of Night Game's very dated rhythms. Cops eating ice cream cones while interrogating suspects. Coroners who love their jobs and the other patrons at the bar who would rather not hear why. '80s wedding attire.

This is not a good movie, and it's frustrating because it has a shocking amount of talent and opportunity at play. Still, even when the story is dull, the film is such particular artifact that it somehow never bored me.

High Points

I'm a sucker for an atmospheric funhouse chase (probably a result of me watching Tobe Hooper's The Funhouse and The Care Bears Movie in the same formative year) so I'll give ample credit to Masterson for his staging of Night Game's high point

Low Points

There are so many decisions one can make when it comes to writing a love interest in a thriller that I just can't understand why Night Game decided to commit so wholeheartedly to this one

Lessons Learned

You can tell a lot about a person by their remains

In the late 1980s, being overweight really just meant being brunette

Giving somebody a television set doesn't mean what it used to

Rent/Bury/Buy

Night Game was far from satisfying, but there was something vaguely interesting to me about its time and place (even if it had no idea what to do with either). If a messy, meandering thriller that loosely involves the 1989 Houston Astros has any appeal, find it on Amazon (or Tubi, because not surprisingly, this is indeed on Tubi).

Christmas With the Satanist Side of the Family

Are you aware of JUST how many cheap horror movies were made in the 1980s? 

Sure, you say. I was a video store kid! I've seen them all!

Unless you actively use tubi, I assure you, sir or madam, you have not.

Quick Plot: Like any smart low budget movie, we open with a remix of public domain holiday music. A group of ominous people clad in robes forms a sacrificial circle where toddler Matthew is led to the center. Cops stop the slaughter right as adult Tom wakes up in bed 40 years later.

This has been his annual Christmas Eve nightmare, but it doesn't stop his family's road trip. Into the station wagon goes Matthew, his chain-smoking father Henry, wife Kathy, teen daughter Erin, and bratty son Billy. Along their route, a pair of policemen stumble on a mysterious vagrant (possibly named Clarence) squatting in an abandoned hotel in the ghost town of Sutterville. The cars pass each other just long enough for the stranger to do some telekinetic ubering, detouring Tom's car to Sutterville as the cops take their prisoner into custody.

At the station, Clarence uses his powers to send a woman hanging up Christmas lights to her death. No one seems to be too bothered by this.

Meanwhile, Tom's family is not doing so well. Their car now broken down in an empty town, everyone gets a bit irritable. Henry worries about his son's soul (and his own heart problem), Kathy gets snappy, teen Erin is bored, and Billy is befriended by a creepy little girl we last saw push prologue Matthew into the satanic circle. Tom seems ready to snap, and that's before he watches a rattlesnake threaten his daughter only to turn into a rubber toy.

I had never heard of Family Reunion until I shuffled through some horror titles on Tubi. On one hand, I can see why: this isn't a particularly good movie, nor is it so memorably Microwave Massacre bad that it would land on a cult list of hidden gems. 

That being said, I had some fun with this. The early family scenes feel surprisingly genuine, which is especially interesting considering this is the sole credit for both child actors (Kaylin Cool and A.J. Woods). Writer/director Michael Hawes seems to also have limited output to this film and a related one, which is a bit of a shame. 

I'm not saying Family Reunion is a good film. It's not really even 'good' by micro-budget 1987 standards. The second half loses most of the momentum and the 90 minute runtime somehow feels like a typo. But it has an endearing energy about it that will make for a pretty satisfying low expectation watch, providing you have a certain softness for this era. 

High Points

It's not that I actually LIKED the Andrews family (young Billy spends the first half of Family Reunion aggressively trying to give his grandfather a heart attack) but I really did find their interactions weirdly charming 

Low Points

Chekhov's Law of Heart Conditions is pretty clear about foreshadowing, which makes it all the weirder that the elderly Henry simply disappears from the action halfway through the movie

Lessons Learned

All medical doctors can do is diagnose fevers

Bullets can't harm a good satanist, but fists sure can

Vagrants keep history alive

Rent/Bury/Buy

Family Reunion is the exact type of '80s horror movie you hope to discover on Tubi. Yes, that pretty much means exactly what you think. Enjoy!

You Ain't Never Had a Field Trip Like Me

 

In 1999, my high school social studies teacher gave our class the assignment to make a movie that had something to do with American history. Naturally, I convinced my friends that the only story worth telling was Zombies Ate My Classmates, an educational horror film about a group of students who break into a museum, desecrate valuable artifacts, and then spend the night fleeing undead historical figures.

We got an A, and I've spent the last 26 years wondering what it could have looked like with a bigger but still very small budget. 

Apparently, a lot like The Lamp!

Quick Plot: A prologue set in 1893 sees a young woman land in Galveston, Texas, with her mother. Before they can locate the nearest queso, mom puts on a sparkly bracelet and releases a homicidal djinn, killing the boat crew in the process. The girl manages to flee with the bracelet and magic lamp, keeping it safe for a good 90 years until a trio of horny robbers breaks in to ruin everything.

With the old woman murdered and the robbers hacked up, the artifacts end up in the Houston Museum of Natural Science. Like, the actual museum, which is used as the filming location for The Lamp. 

THAT'S REALLY COOL. 

Chief archeologist Dr. Wallace is excited to investigate the new pieces, though his teen daughter Alex would rather he just, you know, BE A DAD. In fact, she even wishes he was dead!

Kind of!

The wording isn't that specific but it's good enough for a genie. Alex commits the unforgivable sin of trying the bracelet on and before you can sign a permission slip for a museum field trip, an ancient demon sneaks his way through her feathered hair.

The timing couldn't be worse for Alex or better for the genie. Her friends are eager to hide out in the museum for a night of premarital sex and cheap beer. While good Alex would discourage such behavior, possessed Alex is all for it. Throw in her psychotic ex-boyfriend and his sidekick, and you have a whole menu of potential victims to be murdered by historical artifacts.

When the credits rolled, only to be followed by the rare pre-2010 post-credits stinger, I found myself screaming this question: why oh why did director Tom Daley make only this movie?

It's so fun!

Yes, the kills are creative and weird. The actual story is fresh, and the setting is obviously massively neat. But we also get some neat character work! A cool archeologist dad, his daughter's open-minded boyfriend, an opera-singing security guard...there's a lot here!

I'm using a lot of exclamation points because I found this movie so satisfying!

High Points

This movie includes death by ceiling fan, haunted spear, cobra bites, and masks. HOW IS IT NOT MORE KNOWN?

Low Points

Could I have done without the sexual assault? Yes, I certainly could have done without the sexual assault

Lessons Learned

You know it's far out if the armadillos won't go

Texas bullies in the early '80s were racist sociopaths, which is why high school teachers were apparently trained in martial arts

Chicks love baths

Rent/Bury/Buy

I kind of loved this movie. It's not an immaculate piece of art fit for the Houston Museum, but by golly, it's incredibly fresh...even if it's no nearing the age of 40. As I've said several times in recent years, it's a delight to discover so much under the radar horror from eras we thought we knew. Thanks Shudder!

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back to the Sewer

In the realm of niche horror genres, the Jaws ripoff is one that I probably enjoy far more than I should. Sometimes, even more than actual Jaws movies (particularly if you're including the full gamut of animal attack flicks in that category). 

Quick Plot: We open in a shifty Florida reptile farm where out-of-towners watch alligators chew up a poorly trained employee. That doesn't deter a young girl from bringing home a baby from the gift shop, where she lovingly takes care of him in her Chicago dwelling. Dad gets mad one day and flushes the little guy down the toilet, unaware of the urban legends about the havoc such action could wreak. 

Twelve years later, detective David Madison (glorious Robert Forster) is investigating a series of murders as body parts wash up from the city sewers. He soon discovers a shady biological research company doing horrendous testing on puppies in order to make a growth serum for livestock. The failed subjects are tossed in the same sewer system where a certain pretten carnivor gets to devour them, fueling an unnatural growth resulting in a 36' long hungry hunter.

David soon teams up with leading herpetologist Marisa Kendell (Robin Riker), who reveals that she once had her own baby alligator that met a watery fate at the hands of her father. If you're wondering if this seemingly very intelligent scientist figures out or acknowledges that this city's blood is on her hands, the answer is no.

That's okay. Forster and Riker have their own unique, fun chemistry, so much so that this movie is what supposedly led Quentin Tarantino to cast Forster in Jackie Brown. With a script by eventual Oscar nominee John Sayles, Alligator is a smart movie playing dumb. It works.

Director Lewis Teague (of Cujo and more importantly, my beloved Cat's Eye) apparently set out to make a scary film but realized quickly that his effects weren't going to be up to the task. Instead, he decided to lean into the humor. Forster easily gets the tone, while Craig Huxley's synth-y score hilariously toes a line between Jaws and a lawsuit. 

High Points

Enough good can't be said about Robert Forster's approach to this movie

Low Points

For a film that's getting a lot of mileage out of comeuppance, it feels a tad icky that so many working people die violent deaths at the big wealthy wedding setpiece

Lessons Learned

You can always trust your first impression of what a man's apartment would look like

Even the most expensive limo is not alligator-proof

There's simply no such thing as an honest mayor in any town that has a water source

For the Ladies

I wish I kept count, but for whatever reason, Robert Forster is constantly topless in this movie. Teague's camera has more shirtless Forster shots than Rob Zombie has closeups of his wife's butt in The Devil's Rejects. 

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is a movie that has a little boy fall off his suburban diving board into the open mouth of a 36' long alligator. Obviously, it's a blast. Find it on Shudder and have a good time. 

We're Gonna Need a Bigger Lawn

Parody is easy to do, and very difficult to do well. Not every songwriter can be Weird Al, and not every The Fast & the Furious spoof can reach the glorious heights of Superfast!

Seriously, trust me on this one.

Today's film is an unusual entry in the '80s horror canon: a straight-out remake of Jaws by way of a golf course being terrorized by a lawn mower. No, it doesn't reach the heights of Eat It, but you know what? 

This is something special.

Quick Plot: Two horny teenagers sneak away from their friends' bonfire to make out in the fields of Tall Grass Country Club, only to discover there are things far scarier than STDs. Cue the credits as done in the POV style of Police Squad but as, you guessed it, a killer lawnmower. 

It's business as usual at Tall Grass, even after a dues-paying member is slaughtered in a similarly mysterious manner. Golf trainers Kelly and Roy (nothing coincidental about that name) are suspicious, especially after Mal the caddy also turns up in pieces. Still, there's a golf tournament to be played and the mayor--er, property owner--is not to be dissuaded. The show must go on. 

Blades is a silly, silly movie. Mal's widow shows up in full Mrs. Kintner drag to slap Roy. When a wayward lawnmower is discovered and thought to be the killer, there's a glorious shot of the proud hunters hanging the bag high and slicing it to reveal...leaves, nothing but leaves. Which means THE KILLER IS STILL OUT THERE.

And yes, the killer is a lawnmower. If Blades has a flaw, it's that we never really get much insight into just why such a machine would choose this moment to hack its way through this stuffy rich community, though the fact that our victims are mostly rich white jerks might in itself be a justifiable motivation. 

There is nothing overly grand about Blades. It's fully aware of its own stupidity and absolutely dedicated to being pure entertainment. Considering all of the unofficial Jaws knockoffs--everything from sue-able Orca to transferring the threat to Piranha--the fact that director Thomas R. Rondinella cleverly moved the formula to something as dumb, but genuinely violent as a sentient lawnmower is in itself something special. That his film is backed up by earnest performances and a true understanding of Jaws's key moments really lets this hit home. 

High Points

There's almost a Simpsons-esque aura around the idiotic townspeople who can't listen to a word of reason without breaking down into a violent mob. With our rightly leads playing their drama straight, the utter silliness of the supporting characters keeps Blades somehow perfectly balanced. And yes, I'm saying all of this about a Jaws parody starring a killer lawnmower

Low Points

It might be unfair to compare the then-novel Blades to another 40 years of Jaws parody, but it does feel a tad disappointing for a blatant parody to not always cash in on the best moments. Where's our chalkboard scrape, our singalong-gone-wrong? Picky, I know. But there are only so many Jaws parodies about killer lawnmowers, and I want each one to be all it can be

Lessons Learned

You know it's bad when the 19-year-old EMT says it's the worst he's ever seen

Being a caddy and naming your dog Caddy is a life choice rife for confusion

Once formed, bad habits are hard to break

Rent/Bury/Buy

Blades is good dumb fun, and perfect for the lighter summer season. Oddly enough, its current home is Peacock. Have a good time.