Witchy Woman (with a great name)

If you can find a name that's more fun to say than "Baba Yaga," then I suppose I'll have to change the prosed title of my future kitten. 

Quick Plot: Valentina is an independent-minded photographer living in Milan. After leaving a party and turning down the shockingly restrained sexual advances of George Eastman, she nearly gets hit by a car when trying to save a stray dog (INSTANT CHARACTER LIKABILITY ESTABLISHED). Out of the car emerges a mysterious, sexy blond who goes by the totally common name "Baba Yaga."

Before you can realize the actress playing Baba Yaga is none other than the evil grandma in Kindergarten Cop, Valentina begins to have strange, eerie dreams about bottomless holes, witchy seduction, and for less clear reasons, Nazis. 

Real life doesn't get any more normal, especially after Valentina visits Baba in her antique-filled home. It's there where she finds what has to be one of my favorite film dolls, and guys, that's REALLY saying something.

Baba gifts the porcelain leather-clad dominatrix to Valentina, who soon has even stranger nightmares as one of her regular models becomes ill at the sight of it. It doesn't take a genius to guess that Baba Yaga is some form of ancient witch keen on making the beautiful Valentina into a companion. 

Written and directed by Corrado Farina, Baba Yaga was based on a series of European comic books, which most likely explains why still images are used throughout in a sort of panel-ish way. It certainly fits the kind of story that involves a doll coming alive to assist a centuries old witch. There's some wonderfully weird sexiness to be found in Baba Yaga, but it takes a good deal of patience to enjoy. Despite boasting George Eastman and a whole lot of bizarro dream sequences loaded with nudity, this is a film that takes its time to toy with atmosphere rather than story. Not much happens, and when it does, it happens quite slowly. 

I didn't love Baba Yaga, and had I been in a different mood, I honestly might not have liked it THAT much. A movie with a dominatrix doll should instantly top my list of "HOW HAVE I NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE?" classics, but this one was more, "oh, so that's where they're going with that." Enjoyable, but far from dominatrix doll mind-blowing.

High Points

Second only to the trying on clothes montage, fashion shoot montages never fail to make me scream "FASHION SHOOT MONTAGE" at my scream with glee

Valentina is a refreshingly awesome lead, taking full control over her sexuality, making political stands through her art, and, you know, saving a dog from danger

Low Points

Sadly I don't know that the odd atmosphere was quite captivating enough to fight through some of the film's overall boredom (and yes, I realize I say this about a film that includes two topless women boxing in a dream sequence)

Lessons Learned

Snoopy is, in his own way, quite anti-establishment

Fog can be a huge turn-on for some women

Few henchwomen are quite so loyal--or breakable--as reanimated porcelain dolls

Rent/Bury/Buy

Like most releases from Blue Underground, Baba Yaga comes fully loaded with interviews and other special features, so collectors will certainly get their money's worth with a purchase. That being said, this movie is not for everyone. The pacing is slow but doesn't necessarily build up to a grand climax, and while there is certainly some pretty neat imagery, I don't know that all of it adds up to a truly satisfying conclusion. This is the kind of film I'd like to revisit some time down the line to see if it sticks better on second viewing. 

Are We There Yet? The Super Sweaty Italian Edition

Sometimes you just need a little sleaze for your morning commute.

Sometimes Netflix Instant is better than coffee.

Even sleazy coffee.

(Obviously, Google Image Search is incredibly literal when it comes to sleazy coffee)

Quick Plot: A band of nogoodniks rob a factory of its workers' wages (which is seriously NOT COOL) but run into some police trouble on their way out of the parking garage. To ease their escape, they kidnap an attractive young woman named Maria and quickly ditch their escape vehicle for one with a full gas tank and, a little less conveniently, a driver hellbent on getting his sick but tranquilized son to the hospital. 

Can we say road trip?

Before you can argue the rules of I Spy, let's pause to introduce our villains:

The leader, most levelheaded, and somewhat sweaty Doc

Blade, the stabby and fairly sweaty one 

And 32, a man who oozes so much perspiration that he might very well be a supervillain named Dehydration

Although '32' is fun in itself, once you do the metric conversion.

Also, he's played by George Eastman, aka Gigi Montefiori, aka George Histman, Luigi Montefiori, aka (in this movie) Gabriele Duma, aka the Sultan of Sweat and Inappropriate Glee

Unless in Italy circa 1974, it was normal for a grown man to enjoy making a terrified woman pee under a long skirt in the middle of nowhere.

We've all been there, right?

Primarily filmed in 1974, Rabid Dogs hit some financial skids and remained unfinished and unreleased until 1997, with Alfredo Leone and Lamberto Bava adding some scenes for completion Either I'm not that observant or I was just REALLY into the movie, because never once did I find myself noticing anything odd. 

Well, odder than George Eastman's maniacally dubbed cackling.

This is, lest you be worried, a sleazy, sweaty, trashy, and darn fun little slice of '70s Italy. It will not change your life for any reason, but it will give you 90 solid minutes of colorful villains doing terrible things with extreme volume. A satisfying twist brings it all together and at the end of the day, you can live forever knowing you'll never experience a road trip quite as painful as one that puts you smack center of highly perspiring Italian men in a station wagon without air conditioning.

Lessons Learned

Snoring implies that you are sleeping

One of the hidden benefits of a leather car interior is that it's ideal for sharpening your blade

The first thing you do with a lot of money is screw some broad with big boobs

Just a suggestion: before committing a violent burglary, make sure you've checked that your getaway car has a full gas tank

Rent/Bury/Bury

Anyone with an love of Italian style sleaze will find little to not like in Rabid Dogs. It's a seedy, sweaty little film packed with memorable villains, ridiculous dialogue, and surprisingly satisfying twists. Stream it today with a few extra absorbent paper towels by your side. 

Mill Creek Madness!

Back in November, I vowed to take on Mill Creek’s 50 packs to deliver full disc reviews every month.

I lied.

Not intentionally, of course. I never wanted to break my promise, particularly when I later declared it my  New Year’s resolution (screw weight loss!). It's just that I'm a really bad person.

Apologies aside, today marks the triumphant return to my Mill Creek project as we tackle the Tales of Terror 50 Pack and it's electrifying Disc 5.

Side A

1. War of the Robots, aka Reactor, Robots, Stratostars (I dare you to say the last one ten times)

Warp Speed Plot: Somebody decides to cash in on the success of Star Wars with laziness, spandex, and a convoluted plot involving space travel and sexual harassment in the workplace. That sounds far more awesome than the film, which is notable solely for the decision to dress evil henchmen with blond pageboy haircuts.

Celebrity Cred: Antonio Sabato. And lightsabers. Make of that what you will.

Verdict: This should have been tacky goodness to the extreme, but War of the Robots ultimately felt like a neverending story akin to space purgatory. It’s colorful and has moments of laughable joy, but to actually devote its 99 minute running time is something that should only be done when punishing small children.

2. Hands of Steel, aka Fists of Steel, Atomic Cyborg, Arms of Steel, Return of the Terminator

Warp Speed Plot: In the near future, truck stops remain happening joints and the government is investing most of our tax money into creating cyborgs based on Sylvester Stallone’s lead in Over the Top. Paco (Daniel Greene) is its best experiment and has been dispatched to assassinate a scientist. Cursed with a moment of conscience slip, he leaves the would-be victim alive and heads to a dingy rent-by-the-hour bar and motel where nightly arm wrestling matches take place. Shootouts happen, trucks crash, and I keep giggling.

Celebrity Cred: John Saxon snarls and George Eastman sweats, all under the restrained directorial watch of one Sergio Martino. What more do you need?

Verdict: This is the kind of ridiculously amazing extravaganza that makes these 50 packs worth that $15 price tag. Over the top action, non sequitur dialogue, and simple cinematic gluttony (arm wrestling is fun; arm wrestling where the loser’s arm releases a poisonous viper=awesome) make Hands of Steel simply smashing. I was inspired to watch this film after the Gentlemen’s Guide to Midnite Cinema (a podcast you all should be listening to) gave it one of the most entertaining discussions I’ve heard in some time. This is by not means a great movie, except that it is. 

Side B

1. One Frightened Night

Warp Speed Plot: An elderly millionaire decides to split his vast estate amongst a random assortment of soon-to-be murder suspects, all because the only person he’s ever really cared about is his MIA granddaughter. Naturally, the long-lost young lady returns home just in time for the signing of the will, but things get rather complicated (we’re talking jowls shake as the camera zooms in complicated) when a second woman shows up claiming the same identity. Oh oh, but complication reigns SUPREME when the first lucky lady gets murdered and one night of mystery gets rolling.

Celebrity Cred: Charley Grapewin, better known as Uncle Henry in a little film about a girl from Kansas who isn’t afraid of scarecrows or little people.

Verdict: At just 66 minutes long, One Frightened Night is decent enough for background entertainment when cleaning or toaster or doing your taxes (note to self: do your taxes). Fans of old timey whodunits might enjoy this early mystery, but others will probably prefer a more stirring round of Clue.

2. Vampire’s Night Orgy, aka Grave Desires, Orgy of the Vampires, and the more grammatically correct Vampires' Night Orgy

Warp Speed Plot: A random assortment of dull travelers end up stuck in a quaint little village clearly run by a cult of lazily sensuous vampires who really like Shakespeare and hospitality. People die and orgies don’t happen.

Celebrity Cred: Jack Taylor. No, I don’t know who he is either, but IMDB credits him as “Priest” in Conan the Barbarian, so he must be awesome.

Verdict: I enjoyed this one for tis occasionally cheeky humor and amazing overuse of complicated translations in dubbing. It definitely lacks the all-out trashiness the title suggests, but anyone who gets a kick out of poorly transported vampire films might have some fun. If not, just flip over the disc and rewatch Hands of Steel.

Cumulative Lessons Learned

You’ll never own a man until you control his heart

In the 1930s, nights were capable of being frightened

Surprisingly enough, Snuggies will be popular amongst space emperors sometime in the distant future

Asking “No, please don’t do that” will not stop raiders from tearing your shit apart

Your bus driver dying at the wheel is a disagreeable situation

If you’re blond and the female protagonist in a 1980s film, there’s a more than likely chance your name is Linda

If you’re blond and somewhat attractive in a a 1970s Italian vampire film, there’s a more than likely chance that every single male character will hit on you

The meat of a human leg is quite tender

Lastly, when costume designing a film set in space, think realllllllly hard about how plastic hair wigs will age 30 years later