The Cult of Tweezology

Remember AIM? For the young ones out there, that's AOL Instant Messenger, an internet chat function akin to today's Snapchat (I assume?) that no longer exists. 

Side note: my AOL username was MSTyodameister, because I was the coolest person using the Internet that you could possibly know

The fact that this was by far the most exciting thing to be found in Cult says a little bit about the movie, but more importantly, a whole lot about the very specific days of the early 21st century.

Quick Plot: Picture it: the opening still image prologue to 1991's Beauty and the Beast, only instead of being about a spoiled prince and magical rose, it's an ancient Chinese maiden named Kwan Yin whose out-of-wedlock pregnancy leads her father to gouge out her eyeballs and slice open her belly, thus empowering her as some sort of goddess. 

Cut to a Taoist cult in 1990s era California (more specifically, an abandoned Chinese buffet) where a white lounge-erie-clad beauties sacrifice themselves in the name of the aforementioned Kwan Yin only for one to discover their male leader, Quinlin, is trying to steal all of their power for himself.

20 years later, the daughter of the slain cult member has grown up into Mindy (The Butterfly Effect 3's Rachel Miner), a hard-working college student who spends as much time studying ancient Chinese cults as she does shaping her extremely shaped eyebrows.

Mindy is currently working on the worst thing ever asked of a college student: the dreaded group project, this one specifically about the temple massacre. Her team includes pal Cassandra (played by the always welcome Taryn Manning), Cassandra's emo boyfriend Bailey, the school mascot/token awful human being Alex, and the MIA Morgan, soon to be found by Mindy to have brutally killed herself in the dorm bathroom in a manner very similar to those ill-fated maidens in the empty Chinese buffet.

Apparently, all it takes is for an unmarried pregnant woman to take her own life for Quinlin to reemerge, slaughtering those around Mindy with the help of an occasionally important jade amulet. Mindy's sexy Australian professor tries to help, but stopping Quinlin is no mere academic affair. 

Let's be very clear about something: like most of late '90s/early 00s horror titles that you have never heard of popping up on Amazon Prime in recent months, Cult is not a good movie. When your primary set is an empty Asian restaurant and the rules of your villain are clearly made up as you go, you do not, you know, have a good movie.

But that doesn't stop an idiot like me from enjoying it.

Maybe it's the fact that I wrote "EYEBROWS" in my notes twelve times over the course of its 90 minute run, but Cult just seemed to tickle some very sensitive part of my funny bone. The bargain bin CGI does wonders, and random lack of attention to logical detail makes you scratch your head with a smile. Take, for example, the lack of custodian services on campus. I don't care how cheap your film is, it's pretty hard to conceive of a college that doesn't clean a blood-stained dorm bathroom after a student commits suicide inside. I can accept crime tape a few days after the event, but can I REALLY be asked to believe no one FLUSHED THE TOILET THAT WAS FILLED WITH THE DEAD KID'S BLOOD?

Such moments are what make an otherwise underwhelming, probably once straight-to-Blockbuster-shelves genre flick somewhat memorable.

Make of that what you will.

Low Points

That's right: I'm reversing this! Here's why: Alex, played by Cruel World's Joel Michaely, is easily the most obnoxious and intolerable (and also, apparently, racist and intolerant) character I can remember seeing onscreen in some time. I hated his face, hated his voice, and have never wished a more painful death upon anyone on camera

High Points

I mean, I have to give some credit to a film that makes me that excited to see someone die a horrible death

Lessons Learned

Never question the moral character of the people who make your meatloaf

The best college professors are the ones who fashion themselves akin to female porn actress starring in teacher-student scenarios

It's probably not a good idea to joke about the tragic death of any young person to your fragile daughter, let alone one whose bloodied body was discovered by, you know, your own daughter

Rent/Bury/Buy

Cult is streaming on Amazon Prime, which is probably the most effort you should put into watching it. Those with a very particular nostalgia for the early 2000s might have some fun, but to call this a good movie would be a step even someone with as bad a taste in movies as myself wouldn't do. I had a good time with it, but as regular readers know, that's not always a good thing. 

 

First Day Is Always the Hardest...Right?

Lately I've been having a little trouble remembering details when it comes to movie recommends. I'm fairly certain SOMEONE I know recommended Last Shift to me, unless that was actually Late Phases or some other movie streaming on Netflix with a two-word title in which the first words started with the letter "L." 

Whoever that was, if you do exist, thanks. 

Quick Plot: Jessica Loren (Juliana Harkavy)begins her first day as a police officer with an overnight shift at a soon-to-be-closed station. Her mission is simple: stay on the premises until a hazmat crew arrives to remove the various needles, pipes, and other drug paraphernalia sitting in a locked evidence room. As of tomorrow, the police will be relocated to a new facility. In the meantime, all distress calls are being rerouted to another precinct. 

Of course they are.

Before Jessica can taste her first donut, things start getting...weird.

Or maybe just whatever the adjective would be for "horror movie."

There's a silent, bearded homeless man who seems to magically appear at will, only to less magically and far more grossly urinate on the floor. The lights keep going out and worst of all, a phone call keeps coming in from a young woman who claims to be held captive on a ranch. This wouldn't be so bad if, one year earlier, Jessica's veteran cop dad hadn't been involved in breaking up a homicidal Manson-family-esque cult who murdered young women on a nearby farm.

Directed by Most Likely to Die's Anthony DiBlasi, Last Shift isn't a mold breaker in terms of its construction or concept, but you know what? It's pretty darn good. Harkavy is essentially onscreen for the entire runtime, and she makes for a relatable protagonist that's easy to root for. DiBlasi and cowriter Scott Poiley's script wisely doesn't try to do too much, keeping the story tightly centered on Loren as she slowly uncovers (both for herself and the audience) the details surrounding the massacre at the Paymon homestead.

DiBlasi has a lot of sick fun setting up his scares while also keeping the situation grounded enough that it's easy for us to believe the a rookie cop wouldn't run out the doors screaming at the first maybe view of pentagram painted plastic bag wearing ghosts flashing by a darkened cell. While her father's backstory is slowly dished out, it's clear that Jessica cares about being a cop and has plenty of reason to see this night out.

The night does not make it easy.

Last Shift isn't a perfect horror film, but it's scary, interesting, and perhaps most importantly, leaves you wanting more. I could have taken another half hour learning about the Paymon backstory, and I wouldn't be surprised if the screenwriters had another fifty pages of unused material. Even the one-scene presence of a weary hooker with a tell-tale bruise leaves you seeing the world of Last Shift as an unsettled place with open-ended horror from every angle. It's incredibly refreshing in its well-defined nihilism. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need to look at some adorably innocent unlikely animal friends for a while. 

High Points

As anyone who knows of my adoration for The Exorcist III is aware, I love a film that puts some care in establishing imagery through its dialog, and Last Shift is especially smart in this respect. The most impactful example for me came during one of Paymon's followers rambled on about the details of her killing, specifically describing what her victim looked like after she beat her teeth into her head with a baseball bat. Sure enough, we later see such a ghostly figure, and our minds easily make the connection. 

Low Points

Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age/state of the country being what it is, but I was really hoping for a different kind of finale

Lessons Learned

Rural-based satanists take excellent care in grooming their eyebrows

Dead people are pretty messy

When in doubt, listen to your mother

Rent/Bury/Buy

Last Shift is streaming on Netflix Instant, and while it isn't necessarily the scariest indie you've ever seen, it's certainly in the upper tier of recent ones. The film is probably best watched in one (fairly brief) sitting to make its jump scares work best. Give it a go.

RSVP Affirmatively

Karyn Kusama is a filmmaker I will always root for. The studio interference riddled Aeon Flux aisde, her filmography (the brilliant real and insightful Girlfight and the woefully mismarketed clever bite of Jennifer's Body) demonstrates that she has a fantastically smart cinematic voice that should be heard more. This is generally reinforced when you read interviews where she discusses both her work and the pretty crappy way the Hollywood has treated her in comparison to her male peers.

Hence, there was no question that I was not going to give her latest, the well-received thriller The Invitation, a go, especially when it landed on Netflix Instant. I had previously avoided reading anything about it because other viewers had led me to believe it was an easily spoiled twisty tale. While it's not quite the mind flip I wax expecting, please see that I'm proceeding cautiously in my review, giving only the basic roundup before delving into full spoiler territory. Those who haven't seen the film should feel safe reading until the warning.

Quick Plot: Will and his new girlfriend Kira are reluctantly attending a dinner party thrown by his ex-wife Eden in her gorgeous, secluded LA home with her own new beau Daario N--

I mean, David. 

Eden and Will lost their young son to a terrible tragedy, and while Will is still constantly suffering from the memory, Eden seems to have dealt with it in a more zen (and obviously, creepy) manner. She and David explain this to Will, Kira, and a few other old friends by showing them a video introduction to their "support group", which Will (and the audience) immediately pinpoints as a cult. Is it the kind of murder-heavy/wallet-gouging cult we tend to think of when we hear the very word, or just a peaceful, open-minded way of living and learning to forgive yourself?

The Invitation is a tricky film to discuss, because part of its power comes from the audience not quite knowing what to expect, who to trust, or even what kind of movie you're actually watching. On that note, I'll give a hearty recommendation right here, and delve into the burning intensity of SPOILER territory below.

From the opening moment where Will hits a roving coyote with his car, there's a quiet sense of dread simmering underneath the surface of The Invitation. The beauty of the film lies, in part, in how Kusama makes us question whether it's something truly dangerous or just the awkward nerves that come standard with these kinds of social gatherings. 

It's an incredibly tense mood that helps to keep the audience on constant edge. The idea of Will being a possible unreliable narrator certainly doesn't hurt, and as much as I was mostly convinced that Eden and her crew were up to something sinister, I also felt myself let out a strained sigh when it truly seemed as if Will was just misinterpreting social cues. Naturally, this makes the actual reveal that much more effective.

I loved The Invitation, and not just because of my weird obsession with any cult-based horror. Kusama's staging could have satisfied me even if it turned out that Eden and David WERE just overly friendly hippie party hosts and that Will was reading far too much into everything. The tension Kusama creates is something very skilled and incredibly intense. Perhaps more importantly, there's subtext and depth underneath it. This isn't just a horror movie about trying to dodge your cyanide-and-knife-wielding-friends. It's also a meditation on dealing with grief and  fascinating probe into the nightmare of socializing.

It's a good one.

High Points

Much should be said for the screenplay (by Phil Hay and Matt Manfredi) and Kusama's decisions to not force introductions and explanations, bot of the characters' relationships to one another and the actual big picture reveal of sorts at the end. The audience is never fumbling to figure out who's who because the script and direction guides you well enough along that you can figure it out as if you were just another guest at the party

Low Points

Much like I said about American Mary, I could have taken another hour of this film (especially with its fairly brief 100 minute run time). If that doesn't speak highly about a movie, what does?

Lessons Learned

As any rule of horror cinema goes, the cooler the house, the bloodier the party

If your ex-wife's new boyfriend seems way too comfortable with you, you should indeed be suspicious and expecting him to attempt to murder you

Never be the first to toast. Ever.

Rent/Bury/Buy

While I enjoyed watching The Invitation, this was one of those films that improved in my estimation the more I thought about it after the fact. From the way the film plays with who to trust to the skillful way it establishes the setting's geography, this is an incredibly well-crafted movie well worth a lights-out phone-away watch. Dig it. 

Pretty Little Repressed Homosexuals

I make no excuses for my love of Lifetime movies. With rare exception, they are usually a guaranteed 90 minutes worth of overacting, unnecessary melodrama, beautiful kitchens, unfinished sets, femme fatales, evil men, inept police officers, and occasionally, insane Eric Robertses. These are all beautiful, beautiful things that rarely leave me bored.

When you take that formula and toss in the keyword "cults," you're somewhat ensured a winner around these parts.

Quick Plot: Melissa, a loyal member of the Church of the Blessed Heart, has committed suicide, much to the shock of her friends and congregation. Suspicion quickly falls on her husband Daniel, a self-appointed prophet who has spent the last few years training a portion of his bible study group for what he believes to be the imminent second coming.

Things get more serious when Adam, one of Melissa and Daniel's friends and fellow cult--er, yeah, we'll just say cult members is brought to the police station by the head of the Church of the Blessed Heart to spill the truth about Melissa's death. Considering Adam is the type of guy who dresses like the character of Mark in Rent but goes to bed with his collared shirt buttoned up to his throat, we know he's a tad unstable.

The film backtracks to show the formation of Daniel's mini-cult-within-a-cult. Having met at a Christian college, Daniel, Melissa, Adam, and a few other white people moved to the church's big southern compound after graduation to devote their lives to preparing for the apocalypse. Charismatic, ambitious, and more than a little sexually repressed, Daniel took it upon himself to start his own faction that followed some tweaked rules from the rest of his congregation. Rotating fastings, the occasional shunning, and systematic cuddling became the norm. Secret gay sex became, at least for Daniel, the reward.

Meanwhile, Melissa gave up her once promising writing path to support Daniel in the hopes that he would eventually share her own prophecy of marriage. Despite seeming to be a little smarter than most of her brainwashed peers, Melissa can't seem to see/accept the fact that the only thing Daniel loves more than the ideas of Kirk Cameron is, quite possibly, the idea of having sex with Kirk Cameron.

Ungodly Acts is not quite your average Lifetime thriller. For starters, there's nary a straight love story to be found, which is quite refreshing. It's rare that a Lifetime film actively focuses on a gay man, but that's absolutely the case in Ungodly Acts. The film doesn't shy away from his sexuality, even as the character certainly wishes it would.

Unfortunately, it does shy away from other items of importance, including WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. The film takes an odd turn in its final act, throwing a twist with not just a whodunit, but a didnthappenit. I think. Or it just bypasses the villainy of the awful (but at least justifiably confused Daniel) for the bigger issue of the church's corporate board. I. Think.

Directed by Carl Bessai, Ungodly Acts is fairly forgettable, in part because the quality is good enough that one can't actively laugh at the typical silliness that comes standard with the Lifetime brand. At the same time, when it tries to step outside its TV movie limitations (see Low Point), it comes dangerously close to those glorious levels of excess a cheesehound like myself longs for. It's ultimately a little too good for a really good time and too not good for a genuine good time.

It makes sense, trust me. 

High Points
It would have been very easy for Ungodly Acts to turn its earnest Christian characters into caricatures, but the film makes a respectable effort to not just paint its cast as  one-note sheep. Melissa, Adam, Daniel, and Daniel's first shunning target all come across as real people with different pasts that might leave them so vulnerable to a toxic way of life

Low Points
Look, I appreciate ambition in a Lifetime movie, but the "Adam is crazy so we're going to film in black-and-white close-ups" trick felt unnecessary and annoying

Lessons Learned
Lack of sleep can damage a man's prophetic senses

A woman's heart does not have enough room for both prayer and creative writing

The crazier you get, the more southern your previously region-less accent may sound

Look! It's -
Brant Daugherty, best known as the devious and gloriously named Noel Khan from Pretty Little Liars, fully inhabiting the role of a closeted messiah-in-the-making

Rent/Bury/Buy
Ungodly Acts showed up in front of my eyeballs on cable, which made it more than suitable entertainment for a lazy afternoon. I wouldn't necessarily recommend investing much time or energy into seeking it out, but if it falls into your lap, you might find yourself intrigued enough to follow it through. But really, only if you dig cult stuff. Or Noel Kahn.