Monday, April 4, 2016

Doctors Are People Too. Insane Socially Awkward Violent Rapey People

Believe it or not, there are some movies on this planet that are almost too fun to watch. 

This is one of them. 

Quick Plot: Dr. Beck is a man with needs. Despite being one of the country's greatest heart surgeons, he just can't seem to find that special someone to share his life and beach house with. Online dating gives him great excitement in between complicated cardio procedures, but his dates scare off quickly when he reveals his inner creep.

This is not a subtle man.

Sophie Green learns that the hard way. The fresh-faced seventeen year old is driving home with her boyfriend one day when his irresponsible texting lands her in the oily hands of our dear Dr. Beck. Before you can say A Talking Cat?!, Dr. Beck is licking the lips of a sedated Sophie after saving her life.

That's how you pay back a doctor, right?

I worry that I'm several paragraphs into this review and you, dear reader, are thinking to yourself, "this sounds like any other Lifetime obsession movie." Well friends, I ask you, does any other Lifetime obsession movie involve Eric Roberts sniffing the underwear of a knockoff American Girl doll, then having an epic freak-out on said knockoff American Girl doll that makes a rock star in a hotel room look like a gentleman dropping a monocle? 

Does any other Lifetime obsession movie have Eric Roberts going from 0 to 11 in less than a minute of a date gone wrong? With said date gone wrong ending with the greatest declaration of a breakup to come out of the 21st century:

That should be enough to cement Stalked By My Doctor into the annals of cinematic heave, but there's more. So much more. An oblivious dad who either has never seen a man lust after a woman, or really does believe that it's acceptable if the woman is attractive and the man is his doctor. A boyfriend with a chronic  texting-when-driving condition that's treated with more severity than a positive HIV test. Randomly inserted still photographs of Eric Roberts achieving recognition for his surgery prowess to support daft dad's assessment that "he really is one of the best doctors in the country!"

Writer/director Doug Campbell, you are a treasure.

High Points
There's a reason why a podcast exists titled Eric Roberts Is the F&cking Man. The reason is, plainly and simply, Eric Roberts is indeed the f&cking man. Also, go listen to this podcast's coverage of Stalked By My Doctor. You will be better for it

Low Points
There's something a tad unsatisfying about the ending, but that's easy to dismiss when the possibility of a sequel smells sweeter than gently aged books or a new carpet

Lessons Learned
Hot teenage girls are just going to have to learn to accept that medical professionals are going to inappropriately hit on them when they're at their most vulnerable

Attention Starbucks employees: when writing a customer's name on his or her cup, be sure that all stalking surgeons are listed as "Dr."

If you feel guilty about almost killing your girlfriend with your careless driving, the best way of showing it is to simply ignore her. She'll get the message

Why be unhappy when you can just watch Stalked By My Doctor? Heck, why do ANYTHING when you can just watch Stalked By My Doctor?

Point being, this is a masterpiece. Go make your life better.

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