AnnaBOY!

I'm the rare geriatric millennial horror fan who genuinely enjoys ALL the Annabelle movies. On one hand, that shouldn't be surprising: they're well-made genre flicks that deeply understand their audience, and they star a killer doll! But on the other, they star a killer doll who, well, doesn't actually do anything.

The great Stacie Ponder has written an outstanding treatise on why Annabelle rocks. The downside, however, of this porcelain queen's success is that once other low budget horror filmmakers figured out that you can make a killer doll movie without even MOVING the main attraction, the overall quality of an already questionable subgenre had nowhere to go but down. These are movies that make Charles Band seem ambitious! 

Sadly, thirteen years into The Shortening, I'm simply running out of doll-based horror. 2015's Robert might well be the last non-Tubi made-for-pennies film I haven't clocked, so we're diving in and hope 2022 brings us a toychest full of more options.

Quick Plot: Meet Paul and Jenny Otto, a fairly awful British couple who casually fire their veteran housekeeper Agatha and bemoan how HARD it is...on them. Their much kinder son Gene is sad to lose such a close presence in his life, but Agatha, our senile but sassy MVP, doesn't go out quietly. She leaves Gene a special gift: Robert, a horrific glassy eyed doll with a history of destroying families. 

It doesn't take long for Robert to unravel the fragile Jenny, a stressed artist already on the verge of a nervous breakdown. If you're hearing echoes of ANOTHER cheaply made evil doll-destroys-frayed-family-without-actually-moving-on-camera movie, your ears do not need cleaning: while Robert definitely owes Annabelle some residuals, diehard fans of Cathy's Curse might be left wondering if this is an unofficial remake. 

I don't have time to go into all the reasons why should see Cathy's Curse (know that it was the very first film I covered here AND that I once introduced a screening of it at the Alamo Drafthouse) because it would be unfair to this, well, not very good variation of it. I SUPPOSE Robert is a better made film than that 1977 Canadian treasure, but honestly, so is that 30 second clip from the time my cat accidentally stepped on my iPhone's video button.

Written and directed by Andrew Jones, a man who has since made three more Robert movies and a barrel of similar looking titles, Robert is, you know, a killer doll movie that does everything it can to never show the doll killing. That wouldn't be a terrible thing if done well (see Annabelle and even the cheaper made Heidi) but when the stuff that DOES happen involves characters auditioning for an off-brand  antidepressant commercial's montage, it's not particularly fun. 

Still, Robert has his charms. Heck, his first act of violence is to repeat Chucky's opening flour footprint move! That's something, right?

High Points

I like a movie that has a kid who isn't the worst. Little Gene doesn't get to do much, but honestly, there's something very refreshing about just how chill he is about having a doll that's threatening the livelihood of anybody that comes in his orbit (and yes, do understand that after a lifetime of watching Charles Band productions get made with smaller budgets even as inflation soars, I am well aware that my standards are very, very low)

Low Points

Seriously: am I supposed to sympathize with an awful upper class couple who fire their long-term nanny and spend the two minutes it takes to make the decision complaining about how it makes THEIR lives hard? I hope not, because as soon as this happened (5 minutes into the movie) I was, and continue to be 100% Team Robert

Lessons Learned

Cursed dolls have a particularly sharp hatred of young women working in their home

Not helping your wife find answers to her mental illness is bad husbandry, but it's still better than cheating

You can't lock an evil spirit in the shed

Rent/Bury/Buy

The phrase "everything is relative" may be cliche, but it's never truer when applied to the evaluation of horror. In the scheme of cinema, Robert is pretty bad. In relation to other horror movies, it's just not very good. But compared to other killer doll films? Probably right in the middle. Compared SPECIFICALLY to non-studio-produced low budget productions? Above average.

Folks, I'm a very particular type of film fan.

Hear Me, Hear Me (IN PERSON TALKING ABOUT CATHY'S CURSE!)

There are a lot of things one can do on a Tuesday night, but do any come close to the potential glory of watching Cathy's Curse on the big screen?

AND HEARING ME INTRODUCE IT?

That's right: next Tuesday, November 13th, I'll be presenting the Canadian treasure that combines possessed dolls, inebriated caretakers, and foul-mouthed little girls. Appropriately enough, it was the very first movie covered in this here blog some nine years ago, back when all I had was a scratchy Mill Creek pack print and a dream.

If you happen to be in Brooklyn on November 13th, come on down to the 9:30PM screening at the Alamo Drafthouse. You can get your tickets right here. Be sure to say hi, and I'll do my best to not channel an inner demon voice and sew your eyeballs shut. 

A 1000 Cats?!

If there's a better way to end a month devoted to vertically challenged villains than with a 63 minute movie about human-eating cats, then I'm living my life wrong.

Quick Plot: A wealthy sadist flies a helicopter, picks up chicks, takes them to his secluded mansion, serves them brandy in comically oversized glasses, shags them in a variety of locations on his property, shows off his collection of severed heads, kills them, feeds their parts to his menagerie of domestic short-haired cats, and repeats the process.

Obviously, this is the greatest film ever put to screen.

(NOTE: Some of this review might have been written by other members of my household)

Beginning with its title--which can kind of be read as Night of a One Thousand Cats, which is adorably awkward--this is something special. Not 'good' by any conventional definition. The bulk of your film involves a man with a perm (genre stalwart Hugo Stiglitz, and yes, even Tarantino saluted him in Inglorious Basterds) in a helicopter. That's about 60% of its VERY brief running time.

But the rest involves man-eating cats.

Sometimes, there are SLOW MOTION cats. 

Often, there EXTREME ZOOMS.

And even more EXTREME CLOSE-UPS.

LOTS of EXTREME CLOSEUPS

There are GIANT GLASSES.

A mansion DECORATED WITH STUFFED BEARS AND JARRED HEADS.

And, uh, THIS:

Look, this is a terrible piece of cinema. But it's the rare piece of cinema that involves a whole lot of man-eating cats. So for that, huzzah. Huzzah to us all.

High Points

Cats. Lots of them.

Low Points

Cats, probably lots of them, most likely experienced less than ASPCA friendly treatment on this set. I have no proof of this, save for the fact that the film includes multiple moments where our villain hurls his feline costars at each other or occasionally, the camera. Considering the only place the budget seems to show up is in gasoline for the helicopter, I just can't imagine the producers doled out extra cash for a wrangler

Lessons Learned
Your a 1000 cats might hate you, but you can always count on the soft touch of your stuffed polar bear

Never beat your boss in chess. You’ll probably be rewarded by being pushed into a den of man-eating cats

Any man who longs to put you in a crystal cage is generally not long-term material

Great parenting probably doesn't begin with leaving your six-year-old daughter home alone while you take off in a helicopter to bang a millionaire with a den of killer cats

Rent/Bury/Buy

Night of (a) 1000 Cats is a dreadful excuse for a movie. But it also has a lot of cats. 5 out of 4 paws it is!

That about ties it up for this round of The Shortening. Need a little more little villains in your reading? Allow me to direct you onward to some dear blogging pals who took up the challenge.

Over yonder From the Depths of DVD Hell, blogger and podcasting superstar Elwood Jones took a trip to the desert to tackle one of my favorites, 1974's trippy Phase IV. It has less bell bottoms than Empire of the Ants, but it's still pretty darn gnarly. Head on over!

For a whole smorgasbord of short goodness, Chris Hewson, the keeper of Not This Time, Nayland Smith, has been busy as a deadly bee covering an eclectic mix of fun-size goodies, including:

Brains that won't die!

Candles totaling 16!

Clubs filled with breakfast!

Annabelle dolls!

Devil dogs!

Ludlowian demons!

Stranges!

and most importantly, Cathy's Curse! Cathy's Curse! All day long, CATHY'S CURSE!

GO GET IT ALL!

You Know I'm Bad

Hop in!

We're riding over to Rupert Pupkin Speaks for my list of favorite (cough cough) bad movies.  Blogmaster Rupert has been inviting a slew of cinemaniacs over to his virtual crib to share the best of the worst, and I encourage all to browse through his recent archives for a ridiculously unhealthy, yet oh so enjoyable batch of recommendations.

And let's face it: you know you've found the right film loving community when you're not the first, but the SECOND person to mention The Guy From Harlem.

(Dead) Bird Is the Word

Jeepers do I wish there was more historically set horror. Though I imagine big studios are reluctant to drop heavy money bags on a sub-genre that makes mass audiences feel dumb and low budget producers have enough to worry about without the added pressure of period-appropriate props, watching zombies shamble in a pre-panic room world or werewolves hunt car-less victims is just more interesting.

2004’s Dead Birds has a lot of appeal for bored horror fans. With a way better than average cast and more importantly, a Civil War setting, it takes a fresh (in an old fashioned way, if that makes sense) approach to good old Satanism and ghostly hauntings.

Quick Plot: A ragtag gang of bandits (deserting Union soldiers, a love interest nurse, and an escaped slave) introduce themselves by robbing a Confederate bank and spilling a whole lot of impressive/over-the-top blood. In need of rest, leader William (E.T.’s Henry Thomas, bearded and believably manly) leads them to a deceased soldier’s abandoned mansion where CGIish children, scarecrows, and weirdly hairless human-sized dog thingies slowly appear as our antiheroes split up to develop and reveal their own conflicts.

William feels guilty for accidentally shooting a child. His lady friend Annabelle seems haunted by the death of a lovelorn soldier and, in the most interesting, yet least developed plot thread, Michael Shannon’s Clyde and Mark Boone Jr.’s Joseph hesitantly plot to ensure their share of the loot doesn’t fall into the black hands of Todd (Isaiah Washington). Naturally, these flawed individuals are prime fodder for the mysterious villains eager to harass their uninvited guests.

In terms of plot and execution, there’s nothing overly exciting about Dead Birds. The ghoulish kid monsters have a creepy quality, but the forced jump scares are far too reminiscent of J-horror sprites. At the same time, the setting itself and high pedigree cast lend a whole lot in elevating the film above the usual straight-to-DVD fare.

High Points

Am I being too hopeful, or was the eerie ragdoll with eyes and mouth sewn shut a vague visual reference to the debut Doll’s House feature, Cathy’s Curse ?

Though some viewers may complain about the not-quite complete mythology the bizarre nature of the kills is both unique and disturbing

Low Points

Peter Lopez’s score isn’t terrible, but it’s used in such a predictable way that generally negates any scare potential packed by the surprise images

I don’t mind--in fact, my High Point proves, I rather enjoyed--the lack of any specific explanation, but leaving the fate of one major character to an incomplete image is a little frustrating

Lessons Learned

Sadly, real gold does not contain a chocolate center


Slutty 19th century nurses can really bring your day down

Always pay close attention to the incredibly obvious musical cues. It will totally protect you from the inevitable jump scares.

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is a genuinely solid watch that can certainly grab you if you’re in the right mood. Though I had a few issues with some of the execution, the Western/Confederate spin and confident ghost story is a definite rent that will probably hold up for repeat viewings. I’d love to see director Alex Turner sharpen his own voice a little more without relying on a few contrived cinematic tricks. Even so, Dead Birds is a solid recommendation that will offer tired horror fans something new.