Lessons X

Next week, the Deadly Doll’s House will celebrate its tenth (Xth!!!) birthday, meaning we’re now officially a decade old. That’s double digits, Jason-goes-to-space levels of blogging and since my Canadian rocket is still in the shop, I guess we’ll have to follow tradition and celebrate with another compilation of the most important lessons gleaned here over the past 365 days. Break out your pen and get ready to learn!

Corporate Speak

A regional manager should never be confused with a murderer

— Human Resources

Stay Informed

Tattoo artists who want to know what's going on read the newspapers— Proxy

International Cuisine

Monkey meat is positively delicious — Jungle 

Track & Field

For goodness sake, when being chased, already remember a simple tip: Serpentine! Serpentine! — The Strangers: Prey At Night 

See the World

When traveling abroad, consider choosing your lodging based on its proximity to the nearest mental asylum and bicycle supply — Jeruzalem 

Sea the World

I know some adults have their reasons, but considering this planet is 70% water, shouldn't we all learn how to swim? — The Abandoned 

Mortality

Dying sucks, but dying with a penis drawn on your face sucks more -- The Sand 

What Is Love?

True love means not being freaked out to discover a photograph of yourself framed in your teacher's bedroom on your very first date — Stalked By My Doctor: The Revenge  

True love means choosing your girlfriend's new boobs over a trip to Mars -- Crush the Skull

Being a good girlfriend in high school means more than just allowing your boyfriend to have sex with you  — Party Night 

Totally Useful Parenting Advice From a Non-Parent

Always keep the sharpest object of your home in your toddler’s sock drawer — Anger of the Dead 

Name your son Marco and life is a constant game of wanting to shout “Polo!" — Shock 

The Legal Profession

Public attorneys are not paid to leave voicemail — Bad Match 

The first day of a murder trial is a less than two-hour ordeal, and the hallways have incredibly reliable wifi — Deadly Daycare 

Self-Care 101

Being stalked will burn a ton of calories (as that's the only way I can understand how Claire Foy stays so fit despite eating a double egg/cheese/bacon sandwich on a roll with has browns EVERY MORNING) — Unsane 

Never reveal how happy and content you are with your life and marriage out loud, unless being kidnapped and forced to build a doomsday device was on your list of things to do -- Doomsdayer 

Unlike peach brandy, ice cream gives you zits — Savage Streets

Medical Professional FAQs

Junk drawers of '80s era psychiatrists were typically stocked with scotch and loaded revolvers — The Dead Pit 

Genetic experimentation companies invest a lot in training employees in hand-to-hand combat — Morgan 

Surgeons do not perform well under the pressure of blindness — Day of the Triffids 

Just because a horror movie coroner isn’t seen eating a sandwich doesn’t mean he won’t immediately request one, preferably with bacon — Terrifier 

Does the Dog Die?

When watching any post-apocalyptic thriller, do yourself a favor: never get attached to the dog — It Comes At Night 

American Geography

There are no decent restaurants within 2 miles of Capitol Records — Steel and Lace 

Heartthrobs & Hunks

Never underestimate the appeal of Peter Tork to late '90s punkette — Paranoia 

American Etiquette

If your cousin is from a rural region, it's totally acceptable to have a crush on her -- Summer of Fear

The Body Human

Surviving a series of life-threatening acts will do wonders for your fertility -- Tiny House of Terror

The birthing process is like an NBA game: nothing happens until the last two minutes — The Temp 

There's no place like taking a pregnancy test than a poop-filled toilet in a dirty rest stop — Starve 

The Brain Human

Short-term memory loss may take away your name, but it will not impede your ability to read Latin — Open Grave 

Secrets of Law Enforcement

Having a sheriff come to your aide during his early dinner time is an actual crime — Final Exam 

Chasing split tail is for firefighters, not detectives — Gone 

Surviving Religion

Never go to a Staten Island church sermon without a fulls supply of liquor — The First Purge

Fashion: Then, Now, & Forever

Some things never go out of style, be they class medals or little pink electric chairs — The Bad Seed 

Sexy modeling is all about showing no emotion — Fatal Fashion

The standard uniform of high end babysitting agencies in the 1980s combined an unflattering nurse-cut romper with a weirdly inviting easy-access front zipper

— Trick or Treats 

First Impressions

Strong sensible people don’t put sugar in their coffee — Let’s Be Evil 

Technology Is Incredible

Velcro is equally as impressive to zombie children of the future as it is and has been to a generation of living kids who couldn't tie their shoes — The Girl With All the Gifts 

When trying to understand why your husband’s brother has become your husband, there’s really no better source than a yahoo search engine — Possession 

Technology Is the Devil

Burgess Meredith may have terrified the visually challenged regarding the fragility of glasses, but The Open House confirms my own spectacle-wearing fears that contacts are far from murderous psychoproof — The Open House 

Money Matters

You have to watch tech stocks closer than the rest— The Book of Henry 

Home Appliances

Death by blender should never be ruled out for execution — Creep 2 

The mark of a good machete is one that can sever a head from its body in just one swing

 — I Drink Your Blood 

HOW MANY MORE TIMES CAN I SAY TO BE MORE CAREFUL AROUND GARBAGE DISPOSALS BEFORE SOMEONE LISTENS???? -- Wish Upon

You Can Do It!

Never let a silly thing like being stabbed in the gut slow you down  — Friend Request 

Motivations For Major Life Choices

Really, we just need one that would have solved the entire issue: never make important life decisions with the sole factor being, "will my ex-boyfriend see these pictures on social media and change his mind about our relationship status." That's how you end up stuck in the ocean with hungry sharks blocking your path to survival. -- 47 Meters Down