There's Got To Be a Morning After (so why not make it a sequel?)

 

The Poseidon Adventure is a masterpiece: a big, bawdy disaster flick with committed movie stars dressed to the nines navigating huge set pieces until they hear the sweet chords of 1972's Best Original Song. What more can you ask for?

Well, a sequel, apparently. 

Quick Plot: Indebted tugboat captain Mike (Michael Caine, or as I know want to think of him, Mike Caine) is having a tough time navigating some stormy waters with a small cargo load. His second mate Wilbur (Karl Malden!) has picked up a clumsy but cute hitchhiker Celeste (Sally Field!!) right in time to discover the overturned remains of the SS Poseidon. 

Mike is a practical man. Having lost some pricey containers, he knows the bank is about to take Jenny (yes, the boat's name is Jenny which is also Forrest Gump's boat's name which also starred Sally Field and who needs 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon now?). Mike and Wilbur decide to invoke their salvage rights to scour the Poseidon for some valuables, though they're soon joined by a shifty group of Greek medics who are hungry to save some lives. Considering their leader is Telly Savalas(!!!), it's as hard for Mike as it is for the audience to trust their good faith. 

Once on board, the teams split up to search for their respective goals. Mike's group quickly gathers a few survivors: angry retired army sergeant dad Peter Boyle!!!! and his daughter, his daughter's handsome Iowan farmer savior (baby Mark Harmon*), a kindly and efficient nurse (Shirley Jones), a drunken Texas billionaire (Slim Pickens), and a middle-aged woman (Shirley Knight) who refuses to leave her blind husband (Jack Warden).

*My keyboard has run out of exclamation points.

As you suspect, Telly Savalas's crew have less-than-noble intentions, making Mike's gold-hungry hunting seem admirable by comparison. As Mike slowly warms to the idea of helping save lives, the other group finds what they were really looking for: crates of firearms and a batch of plutonium. 

Oh, and did I mention THIS BOAT IS SINKING?

Like many sequels to huge hits, Beyond the Poseidon Adventure tries to cover its predecessor's greatest hits. Instead of a doubtful swimming record, we get different accounts of personal achievement in the long jump. A slippery ladder is contractually obligated to reappear. The oldest character makes a heroic sacrifice to save others. And so on. 

Much in the vein of The Lost World to Jurassic Park, Beyond the Poseidon Adventure was commissioned to original novelist Paul Gallico as a book sequel to the film that differed from his book in order to provide the material for a film sequel. As one might expect, that kind of warped timeline doesn't necessarily yield the finest screenplay. 

Irwin Allen, who had produced the first film, moved into the director's chair here. His touch is a few steps below Ronald Neame's, never quite capturing the sheer grandiosity of the disaster at hand. Instead of understanding just how terrifying being trapped in a capsized ship can be, we get axe murders and a shootout.

 

It was probably impossible to match the energy of The Poseidon Adventure. Ultimately, this film really does sit in the same, expected space as Home Alone 2 and Die Harder with the usual foibles of trying to recapture lightning in an expensive but leaking bottle. Still, the utter '70s of it has a certain charm that's hard to resist.

High Points

She's not given the best material, but by golly is Sally Field adorable in what could have been a very annoying role

Low Points

Even with a cast this stacked, the basic truth that these are people who LITERALLY boarded a sinking ship, so much of the actual horror seems a bit muted. The straggling survivors don't even seem to be THAT bothered by the fact that they've been trapped in the middle of the ocean for a full day

Lessons Learned

Never confuse an arms dealer with an impotent terrorist

Being trapped under a sinking luxury liner for a few hours gives one plenty of time to think about the future

Enormous boat disasters merit just one round of coast guard rescues

Advertising At Its Best

I recorded this movie off TCM, which occasionally sprinkles in some commercials for its various themed offshoots, including a Disney-sponsored luxury cruise liner with classic movie stars and screenings. I can't quantify just how much joy it brings me to inform you that this commercial airs before a movie about, you know, a luxury cruise liner sinking into disaster

Rent/Bury/Buy

Beyond the Poseidon Adventure is many, many decks below the perfection of The Poseidon Adventure. It's a bit shrill and very messy, but I can't say I wasn't entertained by the sheer bigness of it. Those curious probably won't be bored, so as long as you go in with low expectations, you'll likely have a good enough time. 

Going Up

You have to respect a movie title that tells it like it is.

Quick Plot: A gala for an investment group is starting on the 52nd floor of the Barton Building. Security is tight...ish. You need identification to access the elevator, but once you're in, good luck making it to the top. The interior security guard has a dead walkie talkie, the building crew is grumpier than me if I skip lunch, and the mechanics of the actual lift simply don't work well.

Nine enter. Maureen, a journalist, and her finance bro fiance Don. Celine, the 9-month pregnant bonds expert who eyes Don with a twinkle. Martin, a nervously sweaty mid-level adviser. George, a comedian tapped at the last minute to open the event with dated jokes. Muhammed, the security guard and veteran EMT. Twitchy Ohioan investor Jane. And finally, the big man of the hour himself, billionaire Henry Barton and his gloriously bratty granddaughter Madeline. 

Yes, that is too many people in one elevator heading up to an exclusive party.

Tensions immediately stir. George quickly proves himself to be as racist as he is claustrophobic. Jane has clear beef with Henry. Don is doing everything he can to avoid eye contact with Celine. And the miserable Madeline can't resist pulling the emergency break.

In most situations like this, you'd expect a tense but fairly quick maintenance call in order to get the guest of honor up to his shindig in time for the main course. But considering we'll soon learn that Barton Investments makes a good deal of its profit in junk bonds, perhaps we can also assume that they don't pay top dollar for good facility coverage. 

The clock ticks away as everyone gets sweatier, none more so than Jane. As she begins to suffer some kind of heart attack or stroke, she uses her dying words to warn her neighbors of something far worse than George's comedy: she's armed with a bomb. 

I've never seen a great movie set in an elevator, so my expectations for a movie all-out TITLED Elevator didn't pack a lot of promise. But by golly, I had a great time here...for a while. 

Directed by Stig Svendsen, Elevator is clearly not an expensive movie. Did I mention 85% of it takes place inside the titular Elevator? There's an awkwardness about the very setup (not to agree with the racist comedian, but that IS too many people in one elevator) and a general sense of "that's not how things work" about some of the basic interactions. These people seem to have great cell service, yet no one thinks to escalate their phone calls until they've been stuck with no contact for 20 minute? One of the country's wealthiest man is trapped inside a skyscraper's elevator on the night of a party celebrating his very existence, yet security doesn't think to give him a little extra attention? 

You catch my drift. And yet, I was fully forgiving of Elevator's ridiculousness for 2/3rds of its running time because it really grew on me. The cast of character actors, some more known than others, all were giving their best and working to create actual human beings with just enough individual backstories to raise the stakes (Devin Ratray in particular creates a whole lot out of what could have been a human punchline). There was clearly some interest in exploring the horrors of capitalism in Marc Rosenberg's script, but the film just seems to run out of steam in its final act. We get a little violence, some action, a bit of tragedy, and a muted coda that feels like the battery inside the camera is dying. 

On one hand, I think Elevator's ending (which I won't spoil) has things to say with its very unspectacular style. On the other, it's pretty darn unsatisfying. 

High Points

Elevator was made in 2011, which was a different time in terms of "being trapped in an elevator with people of different political persuasions than you." I say that first in order to give some context for what I'm saying next: there's a very rewarding shift in who's right and wrong throughout Elevator. Joey Slotnick's George is an awful bigot, but watching him also reveal human layers that tend to make more sense than some of the people around him is surprisingly complex. There's good character work being done here.

Low Points

I said it with Down, and I'll say it here: there's a special place in Emily's version of hell for a movie that traps a pregnant woman in an elevator only to NOT have her go into labor, and SPOILER ALERT, Elevator joins that club

Lessons Learned

A fake bomb is supposed to be seen, not hidden

Opening for Andrew Dice Clay doesn't necessarily make you not stupid

When attending a cocktail party in your third trimester, always accessorize with a purse large enough to hold your bladder

Rent/Bury/Buy

Is Elevator the best genre film I've seen set almost entirely in an elevator? Yes. Have I seen many good genre films set almost entirely in elevators? No. I had a good time with this movie, so while I was disappointed in how it wrapped up, I still think there's a lot to enjoy. Find it on Amazon Prime. 

Purr-anormal Activity: Ghost Cat

I love to imagine the day the distribution company for a minor, forgettable film discovers one of its stars went on to be a well-known potential DVD draw. You can almost feel the excitement in the office as someone drops their coffee mug to scream “Leapin’ lizards! Ellen Page starred in our very own Ghost Cat!”

Now perhaps I’m wrong about said office employee’s Annie fandom, but I do not doubt SOMEONE in the marketing department for the very first feline entry into the Animals Doing Human Stuff canon feature received a substantial bonus for the idea to capitalize on Juno’s DVD fame. Though the young Oscar nominee has yet to headline a monster hit, such a detail didn’t stop someone from reissuing 2004’s Mrs. Ashboro’s Cat as Ghost Cat, complete with the young Miss Page’s teenage face blocking out the titular spectral feline on the menu and cover art.  

Quick Plot: Page plays Natalie, a teenager moving from the big bad NYC to small folksy town of Ringwood following the death of her mother (note how in the first five minutes of the film, Ghost Cat knocks off a third of the Standard Tropes Checklist). Natalie and her clueless historical writer dad are charmed by an old house with a for-sale sign and a 15-year-old cat named Margaret. The only problem is that its owner, Mrs. Ashboro (Shirley Knight) isn’t selling, much to the chagrin of her smarmy embezzling yuppie banker nephew Boyd.

Thankfully for Natalie and her dad, Mrs. Ashboro passes away that very night, leaving her lovely two story home open for purchase. Even better, the dead Mrs. Ashboro’s neighbors include two young single teenage boys that take a liking to our cat-loving bookworm. Life in this new town is GREAT!

Well, except for the dead old Ashboro.

And Margaret, who followed her owner to the great beyond on the night of Mrs. Ashboro’s funeral.

Or DID she?

After Natalie moves in, the slightest of ghostly signs seem to appear, mostly in relation to Mrs. Ashboro’s young pal Brenda, a single blond who runs a controversial animal sanctuary on a prime piece of real estate being eyed by yet ANOTHER smarmy embezzling yuppie financial employee, this one so evil he SPEAKS ON A BLUE TOOTH DEVICE.

Shudder.

Smarmy embezzling yuppie financial dude with blue tooth device teams up with smarmy embezzling yuppie nephew banker to destroy Brenda’s animal reserve—be it via exhaust fumes or FIRE—so that Single Blond Who Runs a Controversial Animal sanctuary  can buy her land and Smarmy Embezzling Yuppie Banker Nephew can be paid so he can reimburse the bank he’s been stealing from or—

Yeah, I know…this film needs more ghost cat.

See, much like the talking-koala-bear-film-that-didn’t-really-care-about-its-talking-koala, Ghost Cat doesn’t quite understand that its prime asset is not the sordid tale of two white collar scumbags causing economic scandals. Hence, we get a whole lot of Ghost-like (as in Patrick Swayze ditto Ghost, not Ghost Cat) number crunching to conflict with Natalie’s tepid courtship of her neighbor. Whatever running time is left—and of course, it’s not enough—is thrown towards Margaret…

The ghost cat.

Now don’t get me wrong: Margaret the Ghost Cat is all sorts of awesome. She purrs with the fervor of a NASCAR race and befriends the neighborhood dogs as if she were running for mayor. Years ago, she even saved her owner’s life by waking her up when the aging woman left the stove on. I don’t care if you’re allergic: you have to agree this is SOME CAT.

But sadly, the movie doesn’t seem to think any of this is THAT special. Not when there’s land development shenanigans, embezzlement, puppy love (but sadly, not the cute kind with big paws), mortgage payments, property foreclosure, and a juvenile delinquent record to deal with. 

These things are not as fun as ghost cats.

Because c'mon! GHOST CATS!

High Notes

Though her lines are duller than an economics lesson, the young Ellen Page proves herself to be a natural, likable little actress who makes a bland but nice teenage character work

Low Notes

When your film is called “Ghost Cat” but the first major scene of dialogue involves women discussing financial problems, you have an issue

Lessons Learned

‘Partially renovated’ can mean anything

When a creepy, sweating 35-year-old man is caught prowling around your new home and teenage daughter, you can probably just laugh it off and chalk it up to the innocent fact that he misses his dead aunt

Young men generally don’t tell prospective girlfriends that they’re juvenile delinquents on a first date

Even if your bank account is near empty, if every night someone seems to be sneaking onto your property to set your caged dogs loose or, I don’t know, KILL ALL YOUR BELOVED PETS WITH EXHAUST FUMES, *maybe* it’s time to splurge on SOME form of security

Montage Mania!

It’s a ‘feeding adorable goats, puppies, lambs, and kittens’ montage! The best one yet!

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Checklist:

New Kid In Town: Check

Recent Dead Or Divorced Parent: Check

Montage: Check-with PUPPIES!

New Friendship: Check

Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult: Eh, it seems innocent but the perv in me likes to believe Brenda taught her 17 year old assistant something, so let’s say Check

Evil Corporate Enemy: Check (one banker plus one land developer has to add up to that)

Original Song: X

Bully Comeuppance: X

Small Town Values: Check

Back to Nature Moral: X

Overall Score: 7/10
Make no bones about it: this is indeed an authentic Animals Doing Human Stuff rep.

A-Paws Meter

Margaret the Genius Ghost Cat clearly deserved better, particularly in the ways of knowing who her audience was. I gather the makers of Ghost Cat were aiming for the family-visiting-grandma crowd, giving the kids a teen romance, the elderly a Harry & Tonto-ish relationship, and parents the constant danger of mortgage payments and, well, embezzlement. But Ghost Cat isn’t E.T., Toy Story, or that small ever so complex selection of films that transcend generations. No, this is a film that needed more ghost cat.

And if you’re wondering: yes, this review was cowritten by Mookie and Joplin. They are as opinionated as they are illiterate and adorable.