I Was Made for Loving You

My opening line for the Companion writeup was going to reveal something about the film that you probably already know. But what if I'm the one who ruins it for you? I STILL haven't forgiven [NAME REDACTED] for spilling the ending of Fight Club in my 1999 high school philosophy class without warning. 27 years is a long grudge to hold, but as someone with a good 1/8 to 1/4 of Sicilian blood flowing through my veins, I must use caution.

Companion's 'twist' (sold in the marketing and introduced about 20 minutes into the film) will be mentioned below. So if by some chance you're able to approach the film like an innocent baby doe with no semblance of the world around you or the movie, watch it first.

Onward to the rest of us hardened hags.

Quick Plot: Iris is a beautiful young woman happily reminiscing about the two best days of her life: when she met-cute her boyfriend Josh at a colorful but poorly constructed grocery store, and when she killed him.

Yes, we're still in this very frustrating era of horror films not trusting their audience and assuring them that THINGS WILL GET VIOLENT while spoiling the actual trajectory of the story.

Anyway, Iris is reluctantly accompanying Josh for a weekend getaway at a glorious lake house owned by Sergei, the shady Russian boyfriend of pal Kat. Iris knows Kat doesn't like her and feels a little uncomfortable around Josh's friendlier pals, couple Eli and Patrick. Still, she loves Josh too much to let it show and they settle in for some fun.

In the morning, Josh's hangover keeps him inside while Iris heads to the lake alone. Sergei, already a bit flirty, seizes his chance to put on some moves. Iris resists.

Covered in blood, Iris returns to the house to plead her case of self defense. Josh shuts it down.

Literally.

Because she's his robot.

Much like Abigail and a slew of recent genre films whose early twists are too key a selling point to hide in marketing, Companion lives in an uncanny valley with audience awareness. Every ad I saw about Companion seemed to pretty clearly indicate that Iris wasn't human, yet the script is rather shockingly able to have it both ways. The first 20 minutes are playful about Iris's identity in a way that makes the reveal still shocking for someone who didn't know, but not a waste for those who do.

This is a clever film, which makes its decision to open by telling us its ending all the more frustrating. 

Writer/director Drew Hancock has a great touch. His script is snappy, and his talented young cast has the exact right energy to deliver it with panache. As Iris, Sophie Thatcher finds a beautiful balance of humor and hurt. You care about this darn robot, and not just because her human is such a jerk. 

I don't always love a story about humans abusing robots. Despite (and maybe because of) my luddite rage over current society's ill-informed reliance on AI, I sometimes have a hard time feeling much sympathy for a soulless machine. Iris was built and programmed. It's gross to see how Josh treats her, but do we feel bad for Barbie when a kid rips her head off? 

Companion doesn't quite get over that hump for me, mostly because Iris feels unresolved on the page. Thatcher is absolutely wonderful in the role, but her actions (particularly towards the movie's end) don't quite add up in a way that lets me understand her. Maybe that's part of the actual story (she's still in beta), but it does make aspects of the story a touch unsatisfying.

Still, this was a fun, breezy watch. Hard to nitpick when I had such a good time. 

High Points

As a big What We Do In the Shadows fan, I'm not surprised that Harvey Guillén is a delight here, but I was rather tickled at how his subplot with boyfriend Lucas Gage played out

Low Points

Without spoiling (although again: the movie does this in its first five minutes), the last act's final violent conflict doesn't really make sense with who Iris is at this point in time. Hancock had somewhere to get and had to have his characters make some nonsensical decisions in order to get there

Lessons Learned

Not bad doesn't necessarily mean good in Russian

You never don't take a Xanax

Automatic wine openers are more than just white elephant gifts

Rent/Bury/Buy

I found myself really enjoying Companion. The script has some shortcomings, but as a debut, it makes a great case for Drew Hancock's future. You can find it on HBO or Hulu. 

Quick Change

I know I say it every time I cover a film from this time period, but my GOSH: those mid 2000s were an ugly, ugly time in horror. 

With that said, Pathology!

Quick Plot: A quick pre-credits sequence shows us a bunch of young people making corpses talk like ventriloquists. So basically, we already know we're going to be spending the next 90 minutes with some awful people. AWESOME.

They're quickly proven to be worse than you think. Dr. Ted Gray, after graduating at the top of his medical school class, is the fresh face at an incredibly prestigious, incredibly white pathology residency filled with alphas. They spend their days cutting up corpses and evenings doing what they can to add to the pile.

As Flatliners and other medical school-centered horror movies have told us, young doctors are sociopaths. In the case of Pathology, they're insufferable sociopaths who have made a game out of committing undetectable murders on the city's undesirables. 

Dr. Ted Gray (like the characters in the movie, I too will refer to everyone by their full names) quickly falls in line, stabbing and liquid nitrogen poisoning like the best of them. Despite being engaged to Alyssa Milano, Dr. Ted Gray starts sleeping with Dr. Juliette Bath, one of his classmates who's already in a relationship with Dr. Catherine Ivy and/or Dr. Jake Gallo (it's never exactly clear how this trio works).

Not shockingly, things escalate. Dr. Jake Gallo grows progressively unhinged right as Alyssa Milano (not a doctor, so I'll just use her regular name in full) comes to stay with Dr. Ted Gray, riling his nightly activities. 

Pathology is directed by Marc Schölermann from a script courtesy of Crank and Gamer's Neveldine and Taylor. Considering that duo's bonanza energy in other products, I get the feeling that the gloomy end result onscreen comes more from the final execution. On the page, I can almost see where Pathology had something going for it. The actual concept feels fresh, and the final act tosses in multiple twists that actually surprised me. 

Unfortunately, it's a slog to get there. Dr. Ted Gray makes no sense as a character. He's introduced as the kind of hopeful youth who dutifully spends three months in Africa on a volunteer mission, then falls in line with actual murder in less than one week drinking with the atrocious Dr. Jake Gallo. He has Alyssa Milano in his arms yet shows not a morsel of remorse in shagging Dr. Juliette Bath on the same sectional where the latter's abusive father has just been murdered. Had Dr. Ted Gray (sorry, but I can't not keep doing it) been given a hint of a backstory or one more scene to explain how someone could so quickly toss his morals away, maybe, just maybe we could at least understand, if not sympathize. 

That's not Pathology's only problem. On paper, this should be shocking. Made in the second act of the Saw franchise's success, there's little spared in bloody body part closeups or boobs. An early montage tries so hard to be shocking that it shoves two women doing meth in between making out over the bloodied corpse of a murder victim in slow motion. CAN YOU HANDLE THIS EDGINESS? Pathology seems to scream. 

Yes, but that doesn't mean we want to. 

High Points

This involves a spoiler and a lot of cooperation with my 25 year obsession with Olivia Benson and Law & Order: SVU. 

You have been warned.

There's a running rule for the show that states without exception that anytime the squad's family members are involved in an episode, I as a viewer will be miserable. Rollins' wayward sister just makes life hard, Tutuola's nightmare nephew ruins careers, Elliot's bushel of children always get in the way, and so on. I can write volumes on how just unreasonably deep my hatred for Benson's son Noah runs, but if you can possibly believe it, there's a relation that's even worse: Simon Marsden.

Simon shows up in season 8 and appears five times over the next several years. He's the long-lost half brother of Olivia Benson who, aside from having a rapist father, finds himself on the wrong side of the law in a variety of cases. 

All of these episodes are terrible and annoying, and make our stalwart heroine look like an idiot in the name of saving her terrible horrible no good very bad half-brother who can't make a single good decision to save his short life. To be clear: THIS MAN IS WORSE THAN NOAH BENSON.

I hate this character. What, you ask, does that have anything to do with 2008's Pathology? It's a dull answer: the actor. Michael Weston plays both Simon and Dr. Jake Gallo, so if nothing else, I thank Pathology for SPOILER ALERT, giving me another death scene for one of my least favorite people ever to appear on my television screen. 

Low Points

There's so much to be annoyed at with Pathology, but I really do think its major error comes in how little it thinks the audience needs to go on a journey with its lead. Milo Ventimiglia is perfectly fine as Dr. Ted Gray (NOT STOPPING), but he gets absolutely nothing to work with in terms of why an intelligent young man would suddenly throw everything away to part with Olivia Benson's kin. As a result, it is truly impossible to invest any kind of feeling in what happens to anyone in this movie. What a weird choice

Lessons Learned

Never cut into the poop pipe

Pathology season really picks up during the holidays

The feeling of guilt is actually the fear of getting caught

Rent/Bury/Buy

I sort of hated Pathology, but I can also concede that it's going for something fairly different, particularly during this rough patch of late aughts horror. I don't know anyone that I'd directly recommend it to, but hey, if you're in the market for a grisly medical school Fight Club with less nuance and more female nudity, here you go. Find it now on Max, or HBO, or whatever we're calling it by the time this post goes live. 

Murder On the Soviet Express

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm not a true crime person. There's something seedy about reveling in the intrigue of something that has real-life victims, and as an unabashed horror fan, I find it uncomfortably blurs lines that I've spent my life defending. 

That being said, 1995's Citizen X intrigued me: a made-for-HBO movie in its early days of original programming following the real-life case of a prolific Soviet serial killer and equipped with a ridiculously good cast.

Quick Plot: It's 1982 in the Soviet Union, and new forensic specialist Viktor Burakov (Stephen Rea) has a rough night (and subsequent 8 years) ahead of him. A corpse found in the nearby woods arrives right at closing time, but as Viktor insists the police go deeper in their search, he can't complain when they discover another handful of victims, abused and murdered according to a pattern.

Before he can shower, Viktor is summoned to an early morning council of Soviet officials allergic to hearing words like "serial killer" or "FBI." This is bureaucracy at its tightest, and the best Viktor can hope for in his investigation is for the careful, deceptively ambivalent machinations of his superior Col. Fetisov (Donald Sutherland) to pay off. 

Viktor is a passionate, caring man who sees the problems in front of him and can't understand why the system won't bend. Fetisov has spent his whole career playing the game, gathering intel quietly and never rocking the boat publicly. In its own way, it's a marriage made in heaven.

But there's a lot of hell in between. 

The identity of the killer isn't hidden from the audience. We meet unhappy factory worker Andrei Chikatilo (familiar face Jeffrey DeMunn) early on and see his pattern as Viktor pieces it out: hang around the train stations on the outskirts of Moscow until a target appears. The victims are either children, sex workers, vagrants, or young adults that can't necessarily fend for themselves. 

Viktor nails Chikatilo's routine down so well that he actually captures the man, only for his superiors to scoff at the idea that a respected, heterosexual member of the communist party could do such a thing. Faulty bloodwork leads to Chikatilo's release, and the hunt continues for another few years, along with additional victims.

Written and directed by Chris Gerolmo, Citizen X is an incredibly watchable product of its time. Today, this would be the first season of a limited anthology series vying for Emmys against a dozen similar products. But in 1995, the gaggle of prestige actors trying out Russian accents is kind of charming in its own way.

There's actually a surprising amount of charm to be found in this story about a sadistic child killer. Gerolmo doesn't revel in Chikatilo's violence, instead showing the weight such crimes have on those who directly witness them. There's a rather noble sense of honor about Viktor's pursuit for justice, as well as how Fetisov watches the world around him with caution so that he can play his cards at just the right time and for the right result.

The only time Citizen X really slips into straight procedural is the ending, which suffers by moving closer to Chikatilo and further from Viktor and Fetisov. The abrupt coda feels off, especially since Citizen X seems so clear-minded about what it really wants to explore: this should be a story about how intelligent and more importantly, persistent investigating led to the capture of a monster, not so much a story about the monster.

High Points

There's such joy to be had when you get to watch good actors play off each other, and nowhere is that more true than when Stephen Rea and Donald Sutherland get to develop their tentative teamwork from two wildly different backgrounds

Low Points

It's fun to see a young Imelda Staunton pop up as Viktor's dutiful wife, but like so many of these kinds of "men investigate things" stories, it's also a minor shame that she, as one of the few speaking women onscreen, exists in the story to remind him (and us) that he's a good man

Lessons Learned

If you want to get things done in a bureaucracy, you better know how to avoid making it look like you're getting anything done

Being a hero is enormously taxing

When in doubt, send in Max Von Sydow

Rent/Bury/Buy

I had a shockingly good time watching Citizen X, and this is coming from someone who generally backs away from these kinds of films. Have at it on whatever we're calling the HBO app these days.

I Know Who Called Me

 

Have we reached that point of time where 2008 feels retro? Back when all we could really do with a cell phone was play Snake or hold it above our heads to find bars, there was a predictable onslaught of mobile-themed horror movies. Today's film is occasionally considered the worst of them. 

Naturally, I was eager to watch it.  

Quick Plot: St. Luke's Hospital is in flames, but young Laurel and her teddy bear make it out okay. Put a pin in that, as we now move to college student Shelley stressing out as something spooky occurs at her elaborate koi pond. Her cat disappears, her phone rings, her cat reappears, and a Carrie-ish hand drags her down to sleep with the fishes.

And her cat.

Shelley's best friend Lean is understandably bummed. Visiting pal Beth's post-funeral party doesn't help, especially when they discover an eerie voicemail dated in the future. Could this be connected to Shelley's mysterious post-call death?

Obviously, yes: there's some form of ghost hunting coeds via their mobile lines, and it won't stop until it Final Destinations its way through the whole graduating class.

Beth teams up with hunky sad cop Jack, whose own sister fell victim to the cell phone serial killer right before Shelley. Together, they follow the Law & Order: SVU trail through to discover things that answer some, but far from all of their questions. 

One Missed Call is, like many a studio produced PG-13 horror film of the aughts, a rather bland remake of a Japanese hit (in this case, one I haven't seen). Yes, it's incredibly derivative of The Ring, Pulse, and similar titles, and yes: it's not very good. But when you see that 0% fresh Rotten Tomatoes rating before watching, you can't help but be both disappointed and impressed.

THIS is what the general film critic masses of 2008 thought to be the worst film of the year? THIS?

It has ACTORS. LIGHTING. RAY WISE AND MARGARET CHO (each with two scenes). 

No, that doesn't make this movie GOOD, but it's...fine. Yes, studios made way too many derivative horror remakes in the mid-2000s. The year of One Missed Call's release also coincided with some of the century's best, including original The Children, Let the Right One In, and Lake Mungo. The remake well was drying up, though some of its worst was still to come.

One Missed Call is far from the worst. There are actual characters and occasional tension here. Yes, the dated CGI and predictable plotting probably outweighs the overall skill, but I was never bored or angry. Maybe time has softened the standards I used to have. Fifteen full years have passed, and it's a big enough distance that we can probably be a little more objective. 

I never had a personal affection for this kind of product (which, let's face it, this kind of movie is) but oddly, there's something mildly comforting in watching them today. 

Or maybe I'll just never tire of seeing a messy computerized monster and saying, "so that's what it would look like if Ally McBeal's dancing baby had its own baby with Baby Oospsie Daisy."

High Points

It's a small thing, but I'm fairly certain the end credit font was intended to resemble mobile texting and you know what? I approve

Low Points

The best way to destroy the sense of dread your film has worked hard for is, and continues to be, to introduce roughly rendered CGI at your climax

Lessons Learned

No frat party is complete without a fresh vegetable spread

Checkhov's law of teddy bear closeups reminds us all to pay very close attention to any featured stuffed animal

Between this and her Cassandra arc on Buffy, Azura Skye clearly cornered the marked on self-aware doomed young adults

Rent/Bury/Buy

I can't really tell anyone that their lives would be improved by spending 90 minutes on the American remake of One Missed Call, but it wouldn't be THAT much worse. It's there on HBO Max (or whatever we're calling it now).