Tongue-Tied

What's a great way to get horror fans to watch your movie? Release an American remake that makes viewers mad, then gets good reviews, then makes you realize that you'll inevitably have to watch both. 

We are simple folk. 

Quick Plot: Louise and Bjorn are a Danish couple with a daughter named Agnes. While on a group vacation to Italy, they hit it off with a similarly aged family from Holland: Patrick the doctor, Karin his wife, and Abel, their pleasant son who was born without a tongue. 

Back home in their tight apartment, loaded with the kinds of schedule items any young couple with a child have, Bjorn clearly feels a little disconnected. He's thrilled when Patrick sends a postcard inviting the family to spend a few days in their country estate. Fresh air and good company, what could possibly go wrong?

Since this movie is streaming on Shudder, obviously, quite a bit. 

Louise is quickly unsettled. Patrick dismisses her vegetarianism (well, pescetarianism) by pressuring her to eat some pork. He plays music too loud, drinks and drives, doesn't respect boundaries, and tricks Bjorn into paying for dinner that was supposed to be a treat. When Louise discovers Agnes sleeping in a nude Patrick and Karin's bed, it's the last straw. The family decides to leave, only to return immediately when Agnes's beloved stuffed animal goes missing. Once confronted with Patrick and Karin's apologies, how can they possibly be rude guests and still abandon their hosts?

To say much more about Speak No Evil would be a spoiler, though any savvy horror viewer can probably piece together a few more developments. Things get awkward, then dangerous, then rather shockingly dark in a pretty brilliant way that I haven't quite seen before. 

There are those who hate to see fingernails ripped off onscreen or any pain directed at Achilles heels. For a civilized audience, what's scarier? Being perceived as being rude. 

Speak No Evil is a horror movie about manners, and a pretty brilliant one at that. Louise is ready to call out Patrick and Karin for some of their rudeness, but as soon as she's confronted with her mistake, she surrenders all agency. Bjorn is clearly as flattered by Patrick's attention as he is embarrassed by Louise raising tension. It's the awkwardness that damns our characters, and while it's easy to scream at them from our couches, it's also one of the most strangely identifiable horror movie scenarios I've ever seen. 

High Points

I wish I could say so much more about everyone's performance, but I really do hate to give away too much. All four leads are simply perfect.

Low Points

I don't know that Speak No Evil is a perfect film, but honestly, I can't think of a single misstep it makes. Every action feels like a deliberate drive towards the conclusion. I have nothing negative to say.

Lessons Learned

When traveling abroad, you don't have to become fluent in the country's language, but at least learn the word that identifies your child's beloved stuffed animal

Mermaids represent Denmark well (though they're also small and disappointing)

Holland is a cheese country

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was satisfied by Speak No Evil when I finished it this morning, and now, 8 hours later as I sat down to write about it, I realized it's, well, kind of perfect? This isn't the scariest film of its year or even most shocking. It's just GOOD. The story is something that is all too easy to understand, and yet, one that I haven't quite seen told this way (or this well) in many years of genre watching. Find it on Shudder. 

Please Give This Movie a Vasectomy

 

I often use this introductory space less as anything specific to the featured film and more as a mood setter. Maybe I'm explaining why I chose this movie or describing something random that strikes as the right overture. But today, let me use it as a warning space to spoil my review of a well(ish)-made horror film that's also atrocious.

Breeder, a Danish film streaming on Amazon Prime, is oozing with the kind of keywords that make many non-horror fans gasp and say, "How can you watch that?!" and many devoted horror fans tug on their collars and say, "they're not ALL like this." It's the kind of extreme European cinema that was popular in late aughts, forcing shock value in its subject matter in ridiculous ways.

We're talking sexual abuse, dead babies, pulled teeth, equine eroticism, bodily fluids, and rust. So much rust (possibly because of all the bodily fluids).

Proceed if you wish (my opinion: you shouldn't).

Quick Plot: Elly is a pro runner married to Thomas, a financial investment expert with a whole lot tied up in the mysterious Dr. Isabel Ruben's biotech research company. Ruben has created a groundbreaking treatment that allows men to stop the aging process. Sure, it's still a few years away from agency approval and proper testing, but who can argue with the results?

Well, the non-consenting test subjects, to start. Elly discovers that young women are being kidnapped and dumped in the kind of underground metallic lair that makes Jigsaw's decorating look like Martha Stewart. Ruben employs two sadistic caretakers (The Dog and The Pig) to handle the dirty work, which often includes perks like urinating on screaming women or shooting an industrial staple gun in their faces. Oh, and did I mention that each is also genetically impregnated in order for the fetus to be stripped for parts? IT'S A DELIGHT.

This is the kind of content we got a LOT of back in the torture porn and French extremity booms. It's not enough to just tell a story about a morally bereft scientist: nah, what we REALLY need is a morally bereft scientist who condones grisly torture and foregoes any kind of sanitary standards. We need a heroine who also has a horse fetish and can only find sexual satisfaction masturbating in a barn (don't ask). And because this is important, we'll also have self-important narration.

In case it wasn't clear, I hated Breeder. Directed by Jens Dahl (probably best known for co-writing Nicolas Winding Refn's debut Pusher), it's one of those extreme genre films obsessed with its own grossness. I laughed at this interview where screenwriter Sissel Dalsgaard Thomsen described "the feminist angle". Sure, having an entire prison population of kidnapped women kill their captors with their bare hands should feel satisfying, but when the film has already spent most of its running time making a point to show their strategically bloodied (and, lest it be forgotten, URINATED ON) clothing, you can't expect me to scream "GIRL POWAH".

There are good ideas here, as well as perfectly fine performances from the experienced cast. But once you realize just how motivated this movie is to shock you, it's just insufferable. Horror movies are allowed to be mean...so long as they're good. When they're just about average and done in such a sloppy, cruel way, it makes everything seem that much more desperate. And most importantly, exceedingly un-entertaining. 

High Points

Remember how I said The Descent 2 had more poop than any film I'd ever seen? Well, Breeder has more pee. This isn't in any way a good thing but I don't know, I guess it's something I'll remember, and I'll take that tidbit over the various fetus piles 

Low Points

I guess it's the odd plotting, but among the many things I hated about this movie, I'll harp on the 100 minute runtime that felt somehow longer than Babylon and every other unreasonably long Oscar nominated film combined

Lessons Learned

The dirtier your research facilities, the more revolutionary the research

A man's weakness is often cream-filled chocolate

Never trust a 61-year-old who appears to be in her early 40s

Rent/Bury/Buy

Ugh. No, you don't need to see Breeder. That was easy!

What To Expect When You're Expecting (an evil baby)

If you'll forgive the pun, I think we can all agree that pregnancy is fertile ground for a good horror film. With a poster that directly references Rosemary's Baby, the Danish film Shelley seemed like the perfect creepy Netflix stream. 

Quick Plot: Elena accepts a housekeeping job in Denmark for a mysterious childless couple named Louise and Kasper. The household is vegetarian and anti-electricity, growing most of their own food and living a quiet throwback lifestyle. While it's not her idea of paradise, Elena gives it her all in order to raise enough money to buy an apartment for her young son back in Romania.

After a little bonding, Louise reveals the reason she's been so distant and sad: after a miscarriage, she had a hysterectomy and is now unable to carry a child to term. Elena agrees to be a surrogate and will be paid with the home of her dreams. It's only 9 months. What can possibly go wrong?

A few months into the pregnancy, Elena starts to show your typical cinematic signs of A Very Bad Fetus. She craves meat, scratches at her shrinking body, and wants nothing more than to go home and get whatever is growing inside of her far away. 

Terrified that Elena leaving would mean losing their last chance at parenthood, Louise and Kaspar decide to keep her close, even though it's clear the young woman is only getting worse. I'll now step into some spoiler territory, as the 50ish minute mark throws a bit of a surprise at us.

You've been warned.

Elena attempts to give herself an abortion via Louise's spare knitting needle. Doctors are able to save the baby but not Elena, whose body can't handle the internal bleeding (and possible demon spawn that came out of her womb). Little Shelley seems perfectly healthy and adorable...at least to her mother.

Louise takes to parenthood like nachos to cheese, but Kasper can't seem to connect with his new daughter. Even Louise's own spiritual doctor senses some kind of evil from the baby, fleeing the house rather quickly upon meeting the infant. Something is wrong with Shelley.

And then the movie ends.

I'm incredibly torn about how I feel about  Ali Abbasi's film. It's beautifully acted and nicely shot, with a subject matter that's incredibly compelling right from the get-go. We like Elena and respect her motivations to build a better life for her child, just as we feel incredibly sympathy for Louise's infertility. Even Kasper's hesitance at fatherhood is understandable. 

Abbasi builds a strong and effective atmosphere, but I'm just not sure how much I'm willing to forgive the fact that the film ends at just the moment when something actually happens. There's some good tension as Elena's pregnancy develops and even more as the adorable baby coos (and maybe clicks) away. The "sorta" reveal that Shelley has more sinister origins than a mere egg transplant opens up plenty of questions, but the nerve of the film to not even chance an answer is pretty frustrating.

High Points

The performances are good all around, but a lot of credit has to go to Ellen Dorrit Peterson as Louise. On paper, it's a frustratingly thin character (especially considering how many questions go unanswered by the time the film has ended) but Peterson uses her ghostly paleness to fantastic effect, always making us wonder if she's haunted by grief or something far more sinister. 

Low Points
Aside from the aforementioned ENDING RIGHT WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS, there's also the issue that the only real scene of action is shot and lit in such darkness that I had to check Wikipedia to make sure I understood the plot point correctly

Mixed Points

Initially, I was incredibly bothered by the idea of yet another film taking surrogacy as an easy plot device to start a horror film. There's something incredibly offensive about using something scientifically complex but completely understandable as a jumping point for insanity (much in the way it's 2017 and television and film continues to treat online dating as if everyone that uses it is a serial killer). Thankfully, Shelley sidesteps this. Yes, there's a moment or two where Elena seems to be taking more ownership of the fetus than Louise would like, but that's never the real issue. The fact that Louise couldn't carry her own baby makes perfect sense once we learn the truth about Shelley and Elena's fate. 

Lessons Learned

Boys want to have boys, and girls want to have girls

Pregnancy makes your skin really dry...like, realllllllllly dry

Knitting needles should probably not be left in easy reach of the suicidal

Rent/Bury/Buy

As goes with many a slow-burn thriller, the question to ask is always "does the end result justify the time spent teasing it?" In the case of Shelley, there IS no result, so, you know, no. That being said, there is something very haunting about the film, and it's well-made enough that it still manages to be engaging, even if it ultimately leaves you with very little to show for it. If you go in knowing that it sort of stops before it starts, you may manage to appreciate some of the skill and take in the themes that are suggested without being fully explored. 

Been There, Become That

If IMDB is to be believed, until today's feature, Denmark has apparently never produced an apocalyptic zombie horror film. 

You always remember your first.

Quick Plot: A beautiful suburb in Denmark is enjoying a sunny neighborhood barbecue when a few residents seem to get sick. As news reports slowly filter in and armed soldiers in Hazmat suits show up, it becomes clear (to the audience, who has seen this story told before) that the dead are rising, biting, and taking charge. 

Our focus lies primarily on a happy-enough family that includes the calm Dino, more worried Pernille, teenage son Gustav, and young daughter Maj. Before long, their house gets a tad more crowded with a few neighbors, all now quarantined in their once-happy suburb and trying to survive on limited rations and even more limited information.

In 2017, all horror fans should know the general rule when it comes to making a zombie movie: either bring something incredibly fresh or new to it (The Rezort, Deadgirl) or make it damn good (The Horde). On the first front, What We Become fails. The entire film could almost be summed up as a slow motion adaptation of the opening scene of Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead remake. The audience knows the situation well before the characters figure it out, and because they're regular people, they don't necessarily handle it with any ingenuity or impressive skill. 

That being said, writer/director Bo Mikkelsen can certainly make a good movie. His cast is strong, particularly young Benjamin Engell as the quickly-growing-up teenager. With its upper middle class suburban landscape, the film looks positively stunning, and the makeup and zombie design has a slightly unique take that helps to differentiate it from, well, the hundreds of films...exactly...like it.

Aaaaand, that's where I have to say, am I really watching the exact same film I've seen time and time again? That this is Denmark's first zombie film is impressive, because hey! It's GOOD. But not great, and certainly not unique. Maybe my standards are too high, but in a world where there are as many GOOD zombie movies as there are good Russian figure skaters, it just doesn't seem like enough.

High Points

As the aforementioned 2004's Dawn of the Dead reminded us, there is always something brilliantly incongruous about flesh-eating ghouls ravaging a sunny and green suburb. Mikkelsen and his director of photography Adam Philp do wonders with presenting the film's setting in such a beautiful light, making its slow destruction that much more effective

Low Points

Didn't I JUST finish a rant about the "peekaboo of the ending" teaser trick more and more horror movies have been using as of late to open their film? Why, why, WHYYYYYYYY would you spoil a major element of your film's last act in its first scene? It does absolutely NOTHING for your movie, other than remind me, the entire film, that this is going to happen, and therefore, I shouldn't be too invested in the fate of certain characters when the film has already told it to me

Lessons Learned

In an undead situation, never get too attached to a bunny, no matter how cute its floppy little ears may be

Danish teenagers enjoy smoking, drinking, and listening to music (or so they say when trying to impress hot new girls next door)

In a pickle, a box of fireworks can be life-saving

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, I'm not saying don't watch What We Become. If you're in the mood for a sharp little early stages zombie flick, it's certainly one of the better ones at hand. I was immediately soured on it from that teaser-style opening, but that's been a very strong, very recent thorn in my side and I'll fully admit it may have led me to be harder on this movie than needed. That being said, I wouldn't be surprised if I completely forget about this movie several months down the line because to someone who watches this kind of movie weekly, there's just nothing that special about it. 

My Bloody Gaekkebrev

Abandoned mines! Ouja warnings! Zombie attacks! Funny accents!

Eh, we’ll leave the intro right there.

Quick Plot: A nineteenth century pre-credits flashback tells the tale of Andries Martiens, a child killer with a thing for heads-on-stakes. 

It’s pointy.

Flash forward to the present day, where a young woman named Kristel wants to take time off from school against the wishes of her historian father. After partying with her not great, not awful friends, Kristel gets a ride home with dad only to end up in a fiery collision that kills him. Survivors guilt is on its way.

To close down some business, Kristel teams up with her okay enough pals for a road trip to a Belgian mine, home to her late father’s final manuscript. What begins as something I would consider an awesome after hours haunted tour (there’s a cheap animatronic and EVERYTHING) turns into disaster when the gang,  plus enthusiastic tour leader are stuck underground with the saucy spirit of a 200 year old murderer who can possess dead or dying bodies with zombie-like urgency.

Having based what I knew about Slaughter Night simply on the quick recommendation of my Girls On Film cohostess Cristina and Netflix’s basic description, I was expecting a breezy slasher about pretty Europeans getting face axed, something along the lines of the good, if rote Cold Prey. I *kind of* got that, but Slaughter Night actually offers a lot more. The backstory of the killer is fairly gruesome, and setting the film in a My Bloody Valentine-esque mine (complete with the danger of methane explosions) offers plenty of natural potential. More neatly, the fact that instead of one big lug wielding sharp objects on our young pretty heroes is replaced by the victims rising with glowing eyes and bitey teeth...now that’s new.

High Points

Much like the aforementioned Norwegian Cold Prey, Slaughter Night utilizes excellent gore effects, making head rip-offs wet, juicy, gross, and realistic. Not that I’ve ever SEEN one, but I have my ideas

Low Points

While the teens of Slaughter Night are certainly an improvement over the last few young people in peril films viewed here, they still don’t really register as anything overly special to root for, especially when the seemingly endless supply of blond boys never seems to dwindle

Lessons Learned

Spirits are lousy at spelling

Nothing like popping a pill down a mine!

Having an adverse effect to drugs is never fun, but having an adverse effect to drugs when trapped in a haunted mine is a sure way to kill your buzz

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was more than pleasantly pleased by Slaughter Night, an excellently made slasher with a clever and well-executed zombie twist. The film won’t change your life, but it’s a great way to kill 90 brutal minutes with some great jumps and even better gore.